To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

If he's got 2 arms and 2 legs I'd expect him to drive

Going to contact the DVLA and tell them they should give me my licence back because I have 2 arms and 2 legs and that's the only reason you might not be able to drive.

We need a percentage of the population to not drive FFS - how on earth would all those cars fit on the road if everyone did?
Mass transport is better for the environment plus a lot of people could not afford to run a car these days.
If you live in London you’re probably fine not having a car/not driving.

I don't drive. Failed test once. Think about pursuing it again from time to time but things like the enormous backlogs for tests, Covid, put me off.

Now mid 40s. I wasn't supported to learn as a youngster - my mum refused to take me out in her car to practice, and whether she meant to or not, made me feel that it was something I was going to fuck up royally. I was also in two car accidents when younger - one was as serious as it could be short of me actually dying and I wonder whether that has had any effect on my reluctance to drive. Because of an existing condition, I could only drive an automatic, which I found was limiting in terms of finding instructors.

I don't expect lifts from anyone. I've worked all over the UK and internationally, have no difficulty in navigating my way from A to B on public transport. Despite this, many people treat non-driving as evidence of failure to launch. When I graduated from university with a high first a few years ago, rather than simple, straightforward congratulations, I got comments about ".... but she still can't drive!!"

Non-driving seems to be one of those issues that allows people to sneer at others.

I don't drive. Never had the slightest interest in it. Don't like it, find it both frightening and boring at the same time which is a toxic combination. I've tried to learn a couple of times, I'm very bad at it and it's very expensive so I haven't prioritised it. I have also lived for my entire adult life in various cities with good transport where driving is an expensive waste of time.

I also have a good job and a happy family and manage my life and have fun so I really couldn't give a flying fuck if anyone judges me for not driving.

I don’t care if people drive or not, but I’m not one of those who likes to feel superior, that’s probably why.

I’m 37 and don’t drive, I’ve recently moved to zone 6 London and only feeling social pressure to learn because all the mums drive. Tbh driving with a baby would be a pain as I’d be waking them all the time to get in and out of the car, surely this would affect naps. I just slap on the sling and go, no disturbing her to faff around with a car seat/ pram. She hates the car seat anyway.

Cracks me out when people say stuff like this. "A privilege not to be able to drive". I can't drive. Not as in "I can't do it" - as in, l do not meet the legal requirements to hold a driving license. I have a visual processing disorder. Its not just slow visual processing, my brain actually processes spatial information incorrectly, often backwards. I've adjusted to it my everyday life and its not a huge problem day to day, but I'm fairly sure its not a privilige.

It is not a ‘privilege’ to not be able to drive. 🤔You need to be clear of seizures for a year to be able to drive.

Epilepsy can begin at any time. Yes, adult onset epilepsy is a thing! Anyone on this thread could have their first seizure tomorrow, then have tests and be diagnosed with epilepsy. No more driving for you until you have, via trial and error, found a medication that satisfactorily controls your seizures without side effects…

People have caused fatal car accidents due to having a seizure while driving.

Some people can’t drive. A little bit of imagination as to why, would go a long way.

People will always form opinions of others based on what they know of them. That is their right and it would be kind of stupid not to. It doesn't make much sense to say they shouldn't.

Also, the reality of it is that people who don't drive often put a burden on those around them. To some extent, they require others to cater to them, if they live in an area where a car is a necessity. The burden can be giving them rides, or limiting where and when they can arrive anywhere based on public transportation schedules etc.

I'd also wager that if you can learn to drive but don't, they likely to find you a bit self-limited. But I don't think anyone would find it interesting enough for a long talk about. For example, your post about your long history of why you don't drive was too much to wade through.

But instead of worrying about what other people should or shouldn't think, I'd either (1) Learn to drive, if it's still feasible. Or (2) Come up with a very short, standard reason to tell people, if the topic comes up. That gets the conversation out of the way succinctly, without embarrassing you or boring them. Good luck.

I think it’s not too late. I do think it’s a bit odd if an adult chooses not to drive. I don’t mean if they can’t. I mean as a choice.

I only judge as most ppl I know who don’t drive are constantly expecting lifts and ppl to work around them not being able to get places. I understand it’s not for everyone but I genuinely think being able to drive is one of the most valuable skills you can have

I think there is a difference between won't learn to drive and can't drive for various excellent reasons.

When I lived and worked in London I didn't drive. When I moved to Yorkshire I learned to drive because I needed to.

I admit that I get frustrated at threads from posters who state that they don't drive, live rurally with poor public transport and whose partners/husbands resent the fact that they are the ony drivers in the household.

We live where we do because I can drive. If I couldn't we would live somewhere with better public transport.

DD hasn't learned to drive for valid medical reasons, so I am always careful on threads from posters who say they don't drive.

@BigHeadBertha

People will always form opinions of others based on what they know of them. That is their right and it would be kind of stupid not to. It doesn't make much sense to say they shouldn't

Maybe but I prefer to judge people on their character, personality and intelligence rather than whether or not they know how to operate several tons of metal. It’s just not a very intelligent or interesting reason to look down on someone.

Absolutely. I couldn't learn to drive when I was young as my family couldn't afford it. The place where we live had very few opportunities for teenagers to earn some regular money alongside studying back then. Life continued to get in the way, I had a few failed attempts in my 20s and I eventually passed my test at 38. It was my first time trying with that instructor and I think I was finally in the right place and found someone I clicked with to learn from.

You are not "picking up the slack", as if somehow its the fault of individuals that publicly funded infrastructure is largely designed to not only require driving, but do so at their own private expense. Something that is disastrous in terms of efficiency, not only in terms of roads but also storage when vehicles are not in use. An individual isn't personally responsible

It also impacts housing and retail spaces, when you look up the amount of space taken up for parking within a either development.

In a world where the manual jobs an individual might do themselves are generally in decline, driving yourself places at your own expense is really something of an anachronism in the modern world. It's something of a quirk that anyone wants to hold on to it, the amount of entertainment gadgets and people on their phones while driving suggests many secretly want a change 🤣🤣

Literally this.

I had to give up driving just over 2 years ago when I had my first seizure. I was 28! It could literally happen at any time, and the clock keeps getting reset for me every time I have another seizure (not even 2 weeks clear currently).

It's a choice, not compulsory. Like riding a bike or swimming. I judge more those who drive everywhere and never use public transport. They're the real problem.

Why should people be forced to drive when they don't have to. I can drive but prefer not to - I have never been someone who does things on the spur of the moment so can get good deals on train and coach tickets by booking in advance plus I have read so many books as I use public transport for my commute.

I'd hate to not just be able to go wherever I want whenever I want due to the ability to drive.

Yeah, not so much in central London!

I drive because I have dc now but still use public transport a lot.

I don’t care if someone doesn’t drive, unless they’re repeatedly asking me for lifts (or expecting me to pick up their kids which has happened) when I know they are fit, healthy, cognitively able and can afford to learn but just can’t be arsed. I wouldn’t marry and have kids with someone who didn’t (unless there was a medical reason for it).

where I live in the suburbs of a city, as a household we drive to work most days (separately as have different starting times). Also taking dc to numerous clubs etc (amounts to 6-7 days per week) and then driving 2 hours each way per fortnight to visit in-laws. If my dh didn’t share the load I’d be majorly pissed off and resentful.

My sisters husband doesn’t drive but they live in a multigenerational household and at the minute both grandparents and my sister can drive. The grandparents do school pick ups, help bring kids to various clubs etc (as does my sister) but he never has to. It’s working ok now but when I’ve raised it to my sister that when the grandparents are no longer able she will have to do it all. She doesn’t think it’ll be an issue.
Personally I’d be hugely resentful. He’s fit and able to but just doesn’t see the need. He lived in a major city with great transport links until he was 30. He openly says he doesn’t mind that the bus takes an hour to and from work so he gets to listen to his cricket/ rugby podcasts.

It's probably because you are daring to be different, and people don't usually like things that are perceived as being 'different'.

If you live rurally, driving is handy because public transport is usually an interesting concept and everything is far away... but if you live in a city or well-equipped town, you can easily get around on foot or by public transport, so driving is unnecessary. I mean, some cities have 'Park and Drive' set-ups.

Also, anxiety and panic attacks are not helpful when learning to drive! I have been there, done that, and was surprised when I eventually passed my test.

@Ceriane I totally understand.

I've left London now. I used to drive, but sadly I can't anymore due to health issues.

Since leaving, it is unusual not to have a car around here but there are perfectly good buses and Uber etc

I find that some people think buses and Uber don't exist. It's bizarre. I happen to know that some of the horrified people do go out and have a drink of an evening so how are they getting home? It's a very family based area so I suppose somebody is always a designated driver.

It's kind of doubly annoying because I find if I tell them why I don't drive, they look even more horrified. some of it is linked to a spinal injury that I had so I just tell them that because it's the shortest explanation.

Then I start to feel that some people want to run away from me as if I'm some kind of curse.

I don't have much of a social life, but when people offer me lifts, I mostly say no. I don't want them to ever feel that I'm a person who takes lifts.

The only exception has been when someone's mum was driving them home and the lady said to me apologetically "mum is insisting, so we're giving you a lift." 😂 I didn't want to cause a family row!

I can’t . Can’t afford it now as I need to pay for the kids to learn.

I sympathise,OP. I can drive, but don’t bother - I live in London, commute by Tube, get heavy stuff delivered and walk or cycle locally. I used to drive my mother around when I visited her but she’s now turned 80 and has given up her car for health reasons. We use public transport or taxis. It’s not a big deal.