Page 9 | Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

OrtsandNoughts · 2025-04-25T08:02:44+00:00

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited! I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are. But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it! I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo. My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book! AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

BigHeadBertha · 25/04/2025 16:39

Good for you. A friend who would ditch you for saying "no" when they've grossly overstepped wouldn't be much of a loss anyway.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/04/2025 16:43

How did it go?

Original poster

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 17:18

Hello lovely Mumsnetters. Thank you all for your care and concern for my predicament. I feel both seen and supported by you all 🥰
So,I visited my friend this afternoon. I wanted to do things face to face as sometimes text messages can lack the genuine emotion behind the words or be misconstrued. I said exactly how I felt, weaving in lots of the comments that you all offered. I was bold and stated that I didn’t want her to come on holiday with me. I didn’t want to be ambiguous and let her think that it was ok to come and just meet up occasionally. I said that I wanted to go on my own with no responsibilities to anyone.
My friend understood and said she had thought I might prefer to go on my own. She also said she had decided today not to go as she thought August in Portugal would be too hot (I did drop that in the conversation on the phone last night)
So it’s all resolved. I get my solo holiday and our friendship survived. Plus , I have the warm fuzzy feeling that lots of kind hearted Mumsnetters are on my side, wishing me well and I will remember this when I’m on holiday in August. Thank you all 😎

OP posts:

TonTonMacoute · 25/04/2025 17:23

Yay! Well done OP, have a great hols.

cleanasawhistle · 25/04/2025 17:23

Great result OP.
Enjoy your lovely relaxing holiday.
You deserve it

MellowPinkDeer · 25/04/2025 17:30

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 17:18

Hello lovely Mumsnetters. Thank you all for your care and concern for my predicament. I feel both seen and supported by you all 🥰
So,I visited my friend this afternoon. I wanted to do things face to face as sometimes text messages can lack the genuine emotion behind the words or be misconstrued. I said exactly how I felt, weaving in lots of the comments that you all offered. I was bold and stated that I didn’t want her to come on holiday with me. I didn’t want to be ambiguous and let her think that it was ok to come and just meet up occasionally. I said that I wanted to go on my own with no responsibilities to anyone.
My friend understood and said she had thought I might prefer to go on my own. She also said she had decided today not to go as she thought August in Portugal would be too hot (I did drop that in the conversation on the phone last night)
So it’s all resolved. I get my solo holiday and our friendship survived. Plus , I have the warm fuzzy feeling that lots of kind hearted Mumsnetters are on my side, wishing me well and I will remember this when I’m on holiday in August. Thank you all 😎

Amazing OP well done and I hope you have the best holiday when it comes

longtompot · 25/04/2025 17:36

Excellent result @OrtsandNoughts Hope you have a well earned, peaceful rest in August 🍹⛱️☀️

WaltzingWaters · 25/04/2025 17:45

Brilliant result.
I loved a solo “me time” trip back when I was working a crazy demanding job (I realise yours isn’t a job and is your whole life). Wine, cocktails, delicious food, books, sun, relax. Have the best, well-deserved, relaxing time when it comes around.

Terrapinn · 25/04/2025 17:47

Brilliant - you have practised being assertive and communicating and the sky didnt fall in. Its so important that we are true to ourselves and honest with others as often being 'nice' on the outside and accomodating what we dont want to will just lead us to foster resentment and contempy within wihuch will seap out and inadvertently poison the friendship anyway.

Enjoy day dreaming about your break and have a fantastic restorative time when you go - make sure that you have scheduled in the next one before you leave.

Ilikeadrink14 · 25/04/2025 17:54

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 25/04/2025 11:42

“I know you mean well, but I really want (and need) to be on my own on this trip to recharge and not have to think about anybody else. I need you to respect this, please. Should you book to be there at the same time, I will not be available to meet up at any time.”

Polite. Direct. No chance of misinterpretation.

Edited

Polite? Hmmm, sort of.
Direct? Oh definitely!
No chance of misinterpretation. Absolutely not! You drilled it home with a sledgehammer!
And just a little bit cruel in the last two sentences. Perhaps it could be toned down just a tad?

However, although I would have no problem with a friend wanting to holiday alone, if they stated their terms in that way, our ‘friendship’ would be out of the window!

Ilikeadrink14 · 25/04/2025 17:58

Aizen · 25/04/2025 15:30

Hi Jan, I've had many offers from family and friends wanting to accompany me on this trip, but I've said no to all of them because I need the time on my own for my health's sake. We will go on a break together another time.

This is very good!

outerspacepotato · 25/04/2025 18:15

Have a lovely, well deserved and restful holiday.

orangedream · 25/04/2025 18:51

Great. Well done. There was a danger she'd want you to act as a tour guide because you know the area. Not relaxing.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2025 20:06

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 17:18

Hello lovely Mumsnetters. Thank you all for your care and concern for my predicament. I feel both seen and supported by you all 🥰
So,I visited my friend this afternoon. I wanted to do things face to face as sometimes text messages can lack the genuine emotion behind the words or be misconstrued. I said exactly how I felt, weaving in lots of the comments that you all offered. I was bold and stated that I didn’t want her to come on holiday with me. I didn’t want to be ambiguous and let her think that it was ok to come and just meet up occasionally. I said that I wanted to go on my own with no responsibilities to anyone.
My friend understood and said she had thought I might prefer to go on my own. She also said she had decided today not to go as she thought August in Portugal would be too hot (I did drop that in the conversation on the phone last night)
So it’s all resolved. I get my solo holiday and our friendship survived. Plus , I have the warm fuzzy feeling that lots of kind hearted Mumsnetters are on my side, wishing me well and I will remember this when I’m on holiday in August. Thank you all 😎

Great update 😄

Franklyyes · 25/04/2025 21:32

have a lovely chilled holiday 🎉

JustSawJohnny · 26/04/2025 00:07

EDIT!

I flicked through the thread and missed your update

Well done, OP

bevm72yellow · 26/04/2025 02:31

Tell her that this holiday u will be going alone. That is the way that you want it. Tell her you will go on a holiday with her or night away in the future but this is all about your needs not hers nor everybody else. Start being " self - full". She will guilt you by saying daughter will be disappointed or another guilt issue. You deserve to be on your own because this is what you need and want. She may feel annoyed but real friends will aim to understand.....you are not a crutch for everybody

bevm72yellow · 26/04/2025 02:34

A genuine friend you have then. Enjoy Portugal

thebluerose · 26/04/2025 03:14

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 17:18

Hello lovely Mumsnetters. Thank you all for your care and concern for my predicament. I feel both seen and supported by you all 🥰
So,I visited my friend this afternoon. I wanted to do things face to face as sometimes text messages can lack the genuine emotion behind the words or be misconstrued. I said exactly how I felt, weaving in lots of the comments that you all offered. I was bold and stated that I didn’t want her to come on holiday with me. I didn’t want to be ambiguous and let her think that it was ok to come and just meet up occasionally. I said that I wanted to go on my own with no responsibilities to anyone.
My friend understood and said she had thought I might prefer to go on my own. She also said she had decided today not to go as she thought August in Portugal would be too hot (I did drop that in the conversation on the phone last night)
So it’s all resolved. I get my solo holiday and our friendship survived. Plus , I have the warm fuzzy feeling that lots of kind hearted Mumsnetters are on my side, wishing me well and I will remember this when I’m on holiday in August. Thank you all 😎

Oh, thank God. I am so pleased for you. What a relief to hear your good news. I hope you have the most blessedly peaceful and relaxing holiday ever.

Inthetyreshop · 26/04/2025 06:12

Why not let them come but only spend one or two evenings with them?

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 26/04/2025 06:39

Have a fabulous time @OrtsandNoughts you deserve it.
Where in Portugal are you going?

Fraaances · 26/04/2025 06:53

Woohoo! Have an amazing time!

chaosmaker · 26/04/2025 08:25

Summerseagull · 25/04/2025 12:35

Omg
I can't believe someone would actually do that ,I'm autistic and even I know that's rude , inappropriate and just not what you do .
I'm a carer for my two autistic DC and I often go for coffee alone ( not the same as a holiday I know )
And sometimes I'm enjoying my alone coffee and some one who thinks they are a friend comes and sits me with me ,not even asking..they just come over with their coffee and sit there .. usually I'm too speechless to say anything.
But to invite yourself on someones holiday....you just don't do that ,it's not acceptable

You can tell them you don't want company. Unless it's in a packed place with no other seating lol

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 26/04/2025 16:35

Inthetyreshop · 26/04/2025 06:12

Why not let them come but only spend one or two evenings with them?

Because it's HER time to relax, recharge, do JUST what she wants to do and not have to be social. She wants to be alone with zero commitments towards anyone except herself.

JWhipple · 26/04/2025 16:38

So effectively she's assuming you'll be helping her care for her daughter?! Would she have planned a holiday on her own with just her and her daughter? I'm guessing not. Is she usually a CF