Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

[OrtsandNoughts]

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

Because she'll basically be acting as a carer to the daughter, which completely negates the point of the holiday?

You need to be firm say you know my situation and I'm really looking forward to some me time without having to consider anyone else. I'm sure you understand

She already has done this. The friend completely understands and won't be going.

I am a mental health professional for your own sake please say no to your friend - this would be on a medical basis

We had a family holiday booked once with a sister in law and her son. We did it every year - we always paid for a cottage as she'sa single mum. Then, without our knowledge, she invited her sister along without consulting us. I was so angry and upset. I know why she did it - trying to help her sister out, but she should have checked with us first. I simply don't understand why people behave like this, assuming their plans will work for other people. I did speak out and of course it didn't go down well at all.....

You need to be firm and tell her what you’ve told us.

She has. It's all sorted now.

Oh dear, bit weird she’d even suggest it.
you must tell her very clearly you’re going on your own. I’d just send her a message.
“Hi Xxxx. Thanks for the offer of the lift but I’ll get taxi. Really keen to go on holiday on my own this time but would love to go away together a different time. Speak soon!”

then if she falls out with you about it, it’s all her on and she wasn’t a good friend to start with

Please RTFT. It's all resolved now.

Do not do this. Do not make up lies that are obviously lies. Just explain to her what you’ve said here, and stick to it.

@Fromthestart
@knor
@BethDuttonYeHaw
@ThatNimblePeer

Read the updates. It's all been resolved amicably.

I wouldn’t lie, but nor do you need to justify it by going into lengthy detail about why.

you’re going on holiday on your own because you want to - end of story.

perhaps “hi X, I booked this much-needed holiday because I’d like to be on my own to recharge for awhile - I’m sure you will understand. Maybe we can book something together in the future but this year, I’ll be going solo.”

Oops, and now I just read that I’m over 24 hours late to the party 😂 well done you for setting boundaries and sticking to your guns. It’s always way less difficult than we imagine it to be and it’s incredibly empowering. I really wish you the best time away.

Careful not to blow this problem up out of all proportion. Two carers in same situation, both need a holiday, friend can be with her daughter on holiday, you can be on your own. Same days, different holidays, friendship preserved. Be honest about your needs, be understanding about their separate needs. Perhaps one evening you meet up for a meal and talk about how much you are enjoying your holidays.

Glad it’s all resolved. She sounds like a lovely person who wouldn’t have encroached on you but even that wouldn’t be the same as having full freedom!

This is really nice. Establishes boundaries whilst making clear how much you value the friendship. If she takes offence from this then she was never much of a friend to begin with.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned but forgive me if I don’t read all 10 pages plus of posts.

There is an article in the Times today, talking with a life coach called Karin Kushiro about her new book.

She suggests “15 sentences to make life easier” and I think a couple of them could be tweaked to fit this situation.

“I’d rather be by myself”

”I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that you could join me on my holiday”

Or channel Mel Robbins. Take back the power and tell her the truth, just like you’ve told it to us here.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy your well deserved break, by yourself.

It's ok everyone, the cheque has now been cancelled, I repeat the cheque has been cancelled and The friend has un-invited herself. See OP's latest update.

You need to be honest and firm. Tell her you are going alone and obviously you can’t stop her from going to the same place but you won’t be seeing her everyday. Maybe suggest one meal (lunch or evening ) on one day and make her aware that it’ll be the only time you will be meeting up. Explain that you value your friendship and that you are sure she will understand that you just want to be alone to do your own thing.

I’ve just read your update and wanted to send my best wishes and I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Recharge and have some time to yourself. You more than deserve it xx

I’d just say “No thank you. A holiday together another time could be fun but, I really just need to switch off.” Don’t apologise but be clear. You deserve this break!

Well done, OP. Enjoy your holiday with a clear conscience. You’ve also learned that speaking up and being direct is rarely offensive. The Times is previewing a new book by a German therapist which advises direct sentences to help in these situations. It made me think of Mumsnet.

She isnt really a friend if u cant talk to her op. If that were me, i'd say not to be nasty but i'm going solo - fine if you and dd go, but i'll be doing my own thing because i actually want to be alone hence the lone booking. U should be able to talk yo your friends and if u cant say no - and laugh about it with ur friend, sorry im not sure what that is but it isnt a friendship.

you just say

thanks for the lift - but thats all you'll see me so I bet give you some money for the fuel and parking - as you'll not see me for dust now I don't have my wings clipped by any type of responsibility, 5 days totally to myself to do exactly as I want and o thinking about caring duties. I hope you enjoy Portugal as much as I do - see you on the way home....

Hi,

thanks for the thought about the holiday however I need some time to myself this time around. Maybe we can do something in the future.