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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

325 replies

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/04/2025 12:48

BlueRaincoat1 · 25/04/2025 09:09

It will be awkward but you really must just say no if that's what you want.
You can do it by text, perhaps something like the following. It may take her a bit of time to be OK woth it but you aren't being unreasonable.

HI friend, I'm sorry if what I'm going to say is a bit awkward. Thank you for the offer of the lift to the airport for my holiday in August, it was kind of you. However while I obviously love spending time with you, I want to keep the holiday as just something I am doing by myself. I hugely need the break and am really looking to just being alone. I hope you understand this isn't about you or [daughter], it is just what I need at the moment. Sorry for not being clearer sooner, and I will of course make my own way to the airport. I hope this is OK and you know how much I value our friendship. Thanks for understanding, I hope we can catch up soon.

This is perfect

Terrapinn · 25/04/2025 12:55

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 12:26

Thank you all for your messages of support. You have confirmed what I believed-that it is not unreasonable to want to go away alone.
I’m going to speak to my friend about it face to face today and will use an amalgamation of some of the brilliantly worded speeches you have posted, which are hugely helpful. Thank you.
To give a bit of background-I was actually helping her plan a holiday with her husband to Portugal in September. She’s never been before and wanted my local knowledge. I was happy to help. Then last night she called me quite late, out of the blue, and I was taken aback as we don’t really talk on the phone. She suggested coming with me in August as a practise run to get to know the area and I was a bit blindsided really. I tried to put her off by saying I’d booked an expensive hotel but Then she sent me the accommodation she was considering. Clearly, as many of you have said, I should have outright said no, I want to go alone. But it was the fact she caught me unawares.
I woke up this morning with a gut feeling that it was not what I wanted and so posted for the wisdom of Mumsnet! Thanks for the reassurance that going on my own is the right thing to do. I am usually quite assertive (for those that suggested I’m a wet lettuce! 🤣) but caring for others and putting their needs first does mean that perhaps over the years, I’ve dropped my own boundaries.
For clarity, I don’t think she would expect me to care for her daughter. And she wouid be happy to stay elsewhere and leave me to my own plans a lot of the time. But I just really want to do the whole thing alone. The flight, the transfer, and 5 glorious days of doing exactly what I want to do-no plans, no commitments, no considering others.
I’m going to explain all this to her this afternoon. I’m sure she’ll understand and I think our friendship will survive. As some have suggested, we can do a night out or a weekend away in the future. But I need my precious holiday to Portugal to be totally solo. 😎

You are not a wet lettuce. She is unboundaried and caught you off guard. It is normal to take some time to recalibrate and decide what calm assertive words you will use. Well done for listening to your gut and seeking support here.

Dont let her infringe on any of it - calling you (block her for the week), asking you to check out something for her etc.

custardcreme77 · 25/04/2025 12:58

OP, you need - you deserve - this solo holiday. You need the empowerment it will bring to do exactly what you want and when, even if it’s just for a few days away, without compromising your choices and wishes. It is freedom from day to day life and routine responsibilities.
I hope your friend understands that when you explain - and I hope that you have a fabulous holiday xx

Lookingtomakechanges · 25/04/2025 13:00

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 12:26

Thank you all for your messages of support. You have confirmed what I believed-that it is not unreasonable to want to go away alone.
I’m going to speak to my friend about it face to face today and will use an amalgamation of some of the brilliantly worded speeches you have posted, which are hugely helpful. Thank you.
To give a bit of background-I was actually helping her plan a holiday with her husband to Portugal in September. She’s never been before and wanted my local knowledge. I was happy to help. Then last night she called me quite late, out of the blue, and I was taken aback as we don’t really talk on the phone. She suggested coming with me in August as a practise run to get to know the area and I was a bit blindsided really. I tried to put her off by saying I’d booked an expensive hotel but Then she sent me the accommodation she was considering. Clearly, as many of you have said, I should have outright said no, I want to go alone. But it was the fact she caught me unawares.
I woke up this morning with a gut feeling that it was not what I wanted and so posted for the wisdom of Mumsnet! Thanks for the reassurance that going on my own is the right thing to do. I am usually quite assertive (for those that suggested I’m a wet lettuce! 🤣) but caring for others and putting their needs first does mean that perhaps over the years, I’ve dropped my own boundaries.
For clarity, I don’t think she would expect me to care for her daughter. And she wouid be happy to stay elsewhere and leave me to my own plans a lot of the time. But I just really want to do the whole thing alone. The flight, the transfer, and 5 glorious days of doing exactly what I want to do-no plans, no commitments, no considering others.
I’m going to explain all this to her this afternoon. I’m sure she’ll understand and I think our friendship will survive. As some have suggested, we can do a night out or a weekend away in the future. But I need my precious holiday to Portugal to be totally solo. 😎

Good luck telling her OP. Rooting for you here!

Plantymcplantface · 25/04/2025 13:00

pizzaHeart · 25/04/2025 09:18

Send her this ^ message.
And add “thank you for the lift offer, I will get there myself as booked taxi already”.

Show quote history

This is a perfect reply

thepariscrimefiles · 25/04/2025 13:05

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 12:26

Thank you all for your messages of support. You have confirmed what I believed-that it is not unreasonable to want to go away alone.
I’m going to speak to my friend about it face to face today and will use an amalgamation of some of the brilliantly worded speeches you have posted, which are hugely helpful. Thank you.
To give a bit of background-I was actually helping her plan a holiday with her husband to Portugal in September. She’s never been before and wanted my local knowledge. I was happy to help. Then last night she called me quite late, out of the blue, and I was taken aback as we don’t really talk on the phone. She suggested coming with me in August as a practise run to get to know the area and I was a bit blindsided really. I tried to put her off by saying I’d booked an expensive hotel but Then she sent me the accommodation she was considering. Clearly, as many of you have said, I should have outright said no, I want to go alone. But it was the fact she caught me unawares.
I woke up this morning with a gut feeling that it was not what I wanted and so posted for the wisdom of Mumsnet! Thanks for the reassurance that going on my own is the right thing to do. I am usually quite assertive (for those that suggested I’m a wet lettuce! 🤣) but caring for others and putting their needs first does mean that perhaps over the years, I’ve dropped my own boundaries.
For clarity, I don’t think she would expect me to care for her daughter. And she wouid be happy to stay elsewhere and leave me to my own plans a lot of the time. But I just really want to do the whole thing alone. The flight, the transfer, and 5 glorious days of doing exactly what I want to do-no plans, no commitments, no considering others.
I’m going to explain all this to her this afternoon. I’m sure she’ll understand and I think our friendship will survive. As some have suggested, we can do a night out or a weekend away in the future. But I need my precious holiday to Portugal to be totally solo. 😎

Honestly, the 'practice run' explanation makes her even cheekier. A practice run is where things can go wrong and you can learn from those mistakes and make adjustments so that everything goes smoothly when she does the real thing (i.e. her holiday with her DH). She doesn't mind spoiling your holiday so that she can identify any pitfalls or problems and fix them for her holiday.

Funnywonder · 25/04/2025 13:07

Hope the conversation goes well OP and that you are still friends at the end of it!

CoraPirbright · 25/04/2025 13:25

Good luck OP. We will be thinking of you!

MyDeftDuck · 25/04/2025 13:28

I would be swiftly advising her that your flight has changed and make alternative arrangements to get to the airport!
You have gone to all the trouble of arranging respite for your son and dad and she has hijacked your long overdue break…….CF! Why would she think that it is acceptable to expect you to swap one stressful way of life (no disrespect intended towards your son and dad) for another potentially stressful situation?
I sincerely hope this works out for you and that you have a fabulous time.

lionbrain · 25/04/2025 13:28

OP just say No.

For once put your needs before everyone else. You are important. Your needs are important.

A true friend will give you a huge hug and offer to stay home to look after the house and water the plants!

cavalier · 25/04/2025 13:59

Nope and nope again
I stopped telling my hubbys family where we were going as they followed us twice without invitation… absolutely ruined the it all
Holidays with friends and some family rarely work out and can cause big rows .. if heard this time and again … we are all differnt and we all want to chill in our own ways …
getting away from it all means just that .. 🥹🤩

Ponderingwindow · 25/04/2025 14:06

You need to be blunt.
”I love you, but I think you have misunderstood. I need this trip to be solo because I need alone time to decompress. With my caring duties, I am never just me and that is part of what I am looking forward to with this holiday”

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 25/04/2025 14:20

EweCee · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to be very firm and clear. Perhaps along of the lines of '... a joint holiday another time is maybe something we can look into but this August I need to be alone and cannot spend time with you or anyone else on my holiday. This is for my mental health and wellbeing.'

Edited

Good luck op. This is the perfect response I think

Gloriia · 25/04/2025 14:39

TheGander · 25/04/2025 12:23

You should have politely told her at the get go that you needed to be alone for this break. But it’s not too late to do so now, you are more than entitled to some completely carefree time. Go and have a wonderful break.

This.

I've no idea how anyone can invite themselves anywhere. I get people are caught off guard or aren't assertive enough to speak up but honestly, it's always better to say hang on no that won't work sorry rather than try and backtrack at a later date.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/04/2025 15:29

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 25/04/2025 09:07

If she comes on holiday with you you will be so resentful the friendship is over anyway.

you need to tell her straight she can’t come.

Yes this.

Also. She's not worried about the friendship.
So you shouldn't be either.
She has decided that it will be easier/useful for her to have company on the holiday and that you are also an experienced carer so she can shove some of the care element for her DD onto you.
She already has a supportive family you say, so she is used to doing this with them and they probably don't complain as she is family so she's not expecting any push back. Afterall people in her life are there to be useful to her aren't they?
But you are NOT family
This is your one chance to have a solo holiday in a place you used to live.
The last thing you need is to be responsible for showing two other people around, worrying about whether they are enjoying themselves and trying to escape to have some me time which you so desperately need.
Please say a resounding NO. Do not dress it up. Do not surround it with reasons why. Be crystal clear that its not happening.
If she can't be a friend because you won't accept someone inviting THEMSELVES and their DD on your holiday without even asking and riding over any of the objections you have already put up, then that's just too bad, but don't let this interfere with your plans.
This reminds me of the Hay Festival Thread and the colleague who wanted to muscle in on the OP's alone time, with her DD .

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 25/04/2025 15:29

BlueRaincoat1 · 25/04/2025 09:09

It will be awkward but you really must just say no if that's what you want.
You can do it by text, perhaps something like the following. It may take her a bit of time to be OK woth it but you aren't being unreasonable.

HI friend, I'm sorry if what I'm going to say is a bit awkward. Thank you for the offer of the lift to the airport for my holiday in August, it was kind of you. However while I obviously love spending time with you, I want to keep the holiday as just something I am doing by myself. I hugely need the break and am really looking to just being alone. I hope you understand this isn't about you or [daughter], it is just what I need at the moment. Sorry for not being clearer sooner, and I will of course make my own way to the airport. I hope this is OK and you know how much I value our friendship. Thanks for understanding, I hope we can catch up soon.

Why should the OP go to the trouble of sounding like she's apologising and grovelling? She's not the one in the wrong and she shouldn't need to sound as if she is. Her friend has got a huge cheek and it wouldn't hurt for her to be told so.

Aizen · 25/04/2025 15:30

Hi Jan, I've had many offers from family and friends wanting to accompany me on this trip, but I've said no to all of them because I need the time on my own for my health's sake. We will go on a break together another time.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/04/2025 15:34

Sorry OP. Just saw your update... its much harder to spot them now the system has changed.
Anyhoo. Just to say hope your chat goes well today and that you have a fab holiday x

outerspacepotato · 25/04/2025 15:40

She's being very unreasonable and rude. She invited herself and her daughter and you know you would end up watching her kid.

I would just be blunt and say absolutely not, this is my personal time and I don't appreciate you inviting yourself and your kid. It's not happening.

This sounds like it's getting to cheeky fucker territory.

ukathleticscoach · 25/04/2025 15:41

She should have asked you first, not just invited herself. Say no you are going alone

BatchCookBabe · 25/04/2025 15:49

How did the chat with her go @OrtsandNoughts ??? Hope she understood why you need time to yourself, and accepted what you said.

Bit of a cheek really! And suggesting she brings her daughter along too! You would have spent half your time looking after/looking out for her daughter!

SingleAHF · 25/04/2025 15:57

You have just told us why, just tell her the exact same thing.

IndigoBluey · 25/04/2025 16:15

I agree with the others, clear and firm is key here. Sounds like it is your friend who is wanting some company. I also enjoy solo travel to recharge and can sympathise as have had friends in the past who try to jump on. A simple text or convo next time you meet along the lines of, sorry friend I’m really in need of a solo trip to recharge and relax. The sooner the better too as it sounds like she is gearing up to get booked.

jazzybelle · 25/04/2025 16:27

"She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! "

You made a mistake in telling her. I went on holiday to Europe alone. When I got back to work lots of people said that they would have come with me. But I was quite happy to go alone. I travelled around Europe. All they would have wanted to do was sit on a beach all day which is fine but at the time that wasn't the sort of holiday I wanted. When going with others, there are always compromises.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 25/04/2025 16:28

I'm glad you're going to talk to her. Please don't back down and don't offer her ANY of your precious holiday down time. She's being selfish if she asks for it, especially since she'll have caring responsibilities while she's there!