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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

325 replies

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

OP posts:
Cherryicecreamx · 26/04/2025 18:22

She's just looking at it differently to you, maybe even thinking you'd appreciate the company. I would love it if my friend said it because it's hard enough for my friends to organise anything at the best of times! But I also love my own time so I get it and I'm sure she will too if you explain that this time is a planned solo trip for you to recharge but for you to arrange something together on a separate trip.

Pandalott · 26/04/2025 18:23

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

This is a hard one. My friend invites herself places with myself but she knows I never have anyone to go anywhere with and that I dont always enjoy going myself. But she wouldnt invite her child if she knew I was going to be chld free that's a bit rude in my opinion. I would probably just say I'm sorry but I want a relaxing holiday by myself to rest and just have some alone time and that you hope her and her daughter have a great holiday.

Sparklebelle1024 · 26/04/2025 18:25

I was about to echo what everyone else has said but see you have resolved it! I too am a single parent carer to a medically complex child and my other child is autistic and violent. I too am getting a little solo break this year, I’m going to Malaga and I am counting the seconds!! I hope you enjoy your time away x

Pinkrinse · 26/04/2025 18:26

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

Don’t do it. You must be firm, I’m surprised she’s done this. Im a carer for my husband so totally understand the need to be alone.

LardoBurrows · 26/04/2025 18:27

FML 🤦‍♀️

WhippetyW00 · 26/04/2025 18:32

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

She's your friend, so I'd hope she would kindly understand if you decline her kind offer. Perhaps word it like that and say, perhaps we could arrange something more fitting together, but right now you need time out.

pookie999 · 26/04/2025 18:56

BlueRaincoat1 · 25/04/2025 09:09

It will be awkward but you really must just say no if that's what you want.
You can do it by text, perhaps something like the following. It may take her a bit of time to be OK woth it but you aren't being unreasonable.

HI friend, I'm sorry if what I'm going to say is a bit awkward. Thank you for the offer of the lift to the airport for my holiday in August, it was kind of you. However while I obviously love spending time with you, I want to keep the holiday as just something I am doing by myself. I hugely need the break and am really looking to just being alone. I hope you understand this isn't about you or [daughter], it is just what I need at the moment. Sorry for not being clearer sooner, and I will of course make my own way to the airport. I hope this is OK and you know how much I value our friendship. Thanks for understanding, I hope we can catch up soon.

Please don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for....but sidestep this one!

ASimpleLampoon · 26/04/2025 19:02

I am in the same situation as you. I go to Spain for 5 days once a year and London for a weekend. Solo, on a shoestring budget and that's how I like it.

Youre going to have to bite the bullet and tell her straight. Sorry OP lit must be so awkward

ilovemyhamster · 26/04/2025 19:06

What on earth is she thinking. You're going to have to take a deep breath and just say it. You'll feel much better once you have. She'll get over it. 😊I hope you have a wonderful, well deserved break.

Springhassprungxx · 26/04/2025 19:09

Whu do people do this? I had a solo trip somewhere l had always wanted to go and everyone l mentioned it to in conversation invited themselves along, as if l wanted someone to go with. I really didn't!

Booboobagins · 26/04/2025 19:11

Havent caught up with the whole chst @OrtsandNoughts but pls just tell her you are going on your own and dont want company. That's it. Honesty is the best policy when conversations are difficult. If she's a true friend then she'll understand.

Good luck.

MounjarNo · 26/04/2025 19:33

Just have the courtesy to read the thread (or at least the updates). It's sorted.

If you are one of those "oh, I am soooo busy and have much more important things to do than scroll through for an update" people, then just don't bloody post

WorkItUpYourBangle · 26/04/2025 19:34

You just tell her no this is your solo holiday and you don't want to go with anyone. Seriously like it's not hard. Why would you feel bad or be scared of ruining a friendship when she literally invited herself and her daughter on your trip? Just tell her ah no love I was looking forward to being alone but sure we'll get another trip some other time.

MounjarNo · 26/04/2025 19:38

@WorkItUpYourBangle

Maybe read the updates. "Seriously like it's not hard"

MattsWhiteSocks · 26/04/2025 19:38

You need to tell her you’re going to Spain.

MounjarNo · 26/04/2025 19:40

MattsWhiteSocks · 26/04/2025 19:38

You need to tell her you’re going to Spain.

Why would OP need to do that?

She's going to Portugal. BY HERSELF

WorkItUpYourBangle · 26/04/2025 19:40

MounjarNo · 26/04/2025 19:33

Just have the courtesy to read the thread (or at least the updates). It's sorted.

If you are one of those "oh, I am soooo busy and have much more important things to do than scroll through for an update" people, then just don't bloody post

What are you on about? The people looking updates aren't the ones posting. There's 11 pages of this thread. If you're on mobile you can't see updates unless you scroll through every single comment looking for the green parts.

MattsWhiteSocks · 26/04/2025 19:42

MounjarNo · 26/04/2025 19:40

Why would OP need to do that?

She's going to Portugal. BY HERSELF

Show quote history

Yeah, I know. But her friend doesn’t need to know that.

RenoDakota · 26/04/2025 19:43

Christ, the not-reading-of-threads has become monumentally worse recently. Why the hell comment if you haven't given a thought to checking for updates?

Marieb19 · 26/04/2025 19:47

Tell her that you hope she enjoys her holiday but you already have your itinerary planned and will meeting up with friends you haven't seen for a while.

sweatervest · 26/04/2025 19:48

i had a friend invite herself on my solo holiday last year. i was totally backed into a corner. she invited herself for 3 days. then 2 days. then she said she was going to do an "extreme" day out and see me for one day. thank GOD she didn't come in the end as i told a mutual friend i'd already booked it so "friend" gave me daggers and i had a fabulous SOLO holiday. never had i said "you must come and see me on holiday". (I see her every day at work)

she also invited herself on someone else's holiday. for FOUR nights. AND she had the audacity to ask the other friend to take her shampoo/shower gel etc with the other friend as the "friend" was only taking hand luggage.
some people are cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeky fuckers. book your own bloody holiday ffs.
i'm so glad you stuck to your holiday-guns and told her no.

Onthemaintrunkline · 26/04/2025 20:09

Up front and firm. Be very clear so there is no ambiguity. At the same time thank her for her offer of company. Enjoy your solo holiday, hope you have a wonderful time and come back rejuvenated.

Sennelier1 · 26/04/2025 20:18

Indeed as everybody here says : you have to say no and stick to it. If she's a real friend she'll get over it. Good luck to you ❤️‍🩹

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 26/04/2025 20:18

You need to be honest OP. Anything else won’t work. She’s a carer herself so she should understand. Just tell her that you booked to go solo because that’s what you need to recharge. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, just start with a firm ‘no’ and then explain why. But you need to tell her that this is what will be happening, not ask her how she feels about it.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/04/2025 20:57

You are being unreasonable if you don't tell her exactly how you feel !!!

She's going with you and have her daughter with so you can be her unpaid carer.