Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

If anyone’s controlling, it’s him. He’s the Nervous Nelly who knows he’s punching above his weight with you.

I think the responses would have been very different if you'd included more context in the original post.

This.
You have no need to apologise to him. You did not do anything wrong, or over-react. Posters who say otherwise are just reading your original post and don't understand the full context of the messages within your relationship.

He is needy, clingy, jealous, and controlling.
Time to have a big conversation about his attitude to your lunches, the excessive texting, his jealousy of your colleagues, his jealousy of you pay and career, and everything else you have not talked about in your posts (because there is lots, isn't there?)

Don't ever believe you are the problem in this relationship. If he says otherwise, you can add gaslighting to the list.

I don’t think it is a loving text at all. Giving your work environment it sounds like a bit of a warning. Along with the constant messages he is reminding you of his presence.
Also, just tell him you don’t want him to make your lunch. Why do you feel you can’t say that?
I don’t think you have any need to feel guilty. He’s the one with the problem.

Maybe he’s feeling insecure and abit emasculated 🤨

im abit with op here it was an odd thing to say but I probably would have called him and asked him what that meant?

it does make me roll my eyes abit when they get funny about women working with men and earning more to be honest.

women don’t do that to their men often do they.
they support them in their careers and hold the fort

tell him to stop being a dick

Read her updates - he’s a controlling arsehole.

Hmm. I think you should kindly break away from the controlling elements of this relationship and see how he reacts, which will tell you whether his intent is to control or not.
Eg say "I'm going to go back to eating in the canteen because it's really good to maintain good working relationships with my colleagues. I really appreciate your kindness in making my lunch all this time though. How about I make us a picnic on Saturday to say thank you." The only correct response from him is "oh I totally understand. A picnic would be lovely." Any attempt to coerce you into carrying on eating his lunches, or try to guilt you into it by sulking, is controlling. You should call him out on it every time. "Sorry husband, but this is how I want to eat my lunch. It's totally fine for me to make my own decisions, isn't it." Or, "Why are you not yourself this morning? What has happened to upset you?" Basically, make him actually articulate why he doesn't want you to run your own life.

Nah, that definately reads as controlling or a threat.

Might not have been intended that way, of course, but definately reads like "remember you have a husband, so don't go shagging anyone".

You’ve missed a massive red flag.

He’s emasculated and believes you will cheat because you are surrounded by men. Hence the “remember you have a husband”. Arsehole.

The lunch isn’t a kindness - especially if he isn’t noticing that you aren’t eating it and isn’t adapting what he makes accordingly!

Yes I suspected there would be more to it but responded to just your op.

Texting you all day long when you are at work? Doing you lunch so you don’t mix with other people? Something wrong with him.

Oh look. Another red flag.

At what point do you close the beach, OP?

The bitey one is you, Op.
Take a flirty message and enjoy it. You could have had a very pleasant start to your day, feeling well loved, but your seem to be suspicious; you over react. R E L A X.

After what the OP has said I think it might be the other way around…

I think you need to take it in context.

You said
I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

So in light of that conversation/apology I’d read the message as remember you do have a husband who loves you, has got your back etc. Especially as he said it at the end of a text about having made your lunch for you.

Well unlike a lot of other MNers on here, I don’t think you’ve overreacted at all and certainty don’t need to apologise without getting him to explain what he meant. Most people would say I love you not don’t forget I exist! With the additional info you’ve given you’re quite right to question his text and ask for other opinions. I had similar behaviours from an ex to the point he would when he rang me started opening with “hi, it’s John, your boyfriend” like he needed to remind me who he was and he did it on the regular. I know he meant it passive aggressively but I bet if I’d asked on MN loads of them would have acted as they did with you that I was overthinking. I also think especially as you are dieting and are happy to eat in the canteen but he insists on making your lunch interesting as that’s exactly the sort of thing my ex would want to do and I know it’s so he could control me for, afar and prevent me from mixing predominantly with male colleagues. He even told me off for allowing myself to be part of a work WhatsApp group as I have a work phone and wanted to know why it wasn’t on there! Anyway, just wanted to say trust your gut and I think your original instinct was correct ot is odd and weird but at least you’re aware of it and can manage the situation as you will.

I have never heard that phrase before but I actually love it!

I should have put more context in the OP but my husband says I always over react so I wondered if it was indeed an over reaction or I was right the way I took it so tried to get opinions on just that one thing.

I take things and lump them together and read them through the lens of past behaviour attributing suspicious motives when in reality this comment may have been fine and it was me making it a problem.

No idea if that makes any sense?

You sound like hard work, and you’re clearly not very nice to him.

Poor husband.

This is how I read it.

Maybe he thought you were upset or you gave him the impression you felt alone and he was just letting you know how much he cares.

Sometimes things just don't come across well in written text...can be very monotone.

Out of context, I wouldn't have reacted negatively to the "remember you have a husband xxxx" - I'd have probably read that as a tongue in cheek "lucky you!" (or even a twee "remember that you're loved", if he's more of that persuasion.)

I really don't like the "wow, calm down" or the "I was just being nice" though. You weren't being defensive or even particularly aggressive. You have to be able to express your feelings and raise the issue if something bugs you (even if it turns out to be nothing) without him making it all about his feelings and shutting down the conversation.

What a twat!

No, OP, you are correct, he feels insecure and wants to control your interactions with other men, he feels threatened and is afraid he ll lose you.

Being a feeder is controlling. I ld say he ld like to control your body shape and grooming too, so that you are not too attractive to others.

Its not love, it's insecurity.

Have you read the ops updates?

She really doesn’t. Her husband sounds like a controlling wanker.

Surely that says 'remember you have a husband who loves you'. You're overreacting. Poor bloke.

He Sounds super controlling to me to be fair!! Insisting you take his lunch? You are -an adult and can refuse anything- lunch, sex whatever and that should be acceptable, being in a hump because he think you won’t have se later, you’d maybe accept that from a teenage boy not a full adult man- that would give me the absolute ick.

Yes it makes sense. Of course you used his previous behaviour.

One comment in a vacuum is almost meaningless. It's the background/tone/intent/context that give it full meaning.

Does he often gaslight like this?
Do you feel on eggshells around him?

Poor you for not having the capability to actually follow the thread and understand the concerns the OP is articulating 🙄