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Original poster

Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

388 replies

RememberThatGuy · 25/04/2025 07:35

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?
OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 28/04/2025 15:28

BitOutOfPractice · 25/04/2025 07:54

You have massively over reacted to a completely innocuous message. If I was you dh I’d be really pissed off.

I agree. He's saying remember you have a husband who loves you. You've answered like you're ready for a fight!

FlakyCritic · 28/04/2025 15:34

LoafofSellotape · 28/04/2025 15:28

I agree. He's saying remember you have a husband who loves you. You've answered like you're ready for a fight!

Show quote history

Read ALL of the OP's replies on this thread, @LoafofSellotape . There is so much more to it. Her husband makes her lunch because he doesn't want her buying lunch and sitting with men in the cafeteria. He gets upset if men speak to her or smile at her when out, and has rules about what clothing she can wear to the gym.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/04/2025 16:37

LoafofSellotape · 28/04/2025 15:28

I agree. He's saying remember you have a husband who loves you. You've answered like you're ready for a fight!

Show quote history

Have read any more of the OP’s comments because I have changed my mind about this man!

AppleBlossomMay · 28/04/2025 17:47

SealHouse · 28/04/2025 13:28

@AppleBlossomMay sorry you also had the misfortune of crossing paths with a similar dickhead and glad you escaped! I agree with you though, being "normal" with him may not produce the best outcome and could make life more difficult for OP. I suppose she really needs to figure out whether accommodating him and his jealous controlling nature is worth whatever it is she gets from the relationship on a positive front (if anything). I wish her the best.

Thank you @SealHouse ❤, I'm glad too! My life is very different now and I'm so much happier and content.

You deserve peace and happiness too @RememberThatGuy

I hope reading through everyone's posts helps you to decide what steps you need to take to find your own happiness.

Keep talking here if it helps.
Wishing you the very best as well ❤

Madamum18 · 28/04/2025 18:02

Hmmm. Having read all your posts there are many red flags waving for me. He is controlling and definitely gas lighting you. All this questioning about men and making a fuss about the clothes you wear! Nope ...not acceptable and a slippery road!

Kayakerpaddleboarder · 29/04/2025 08:08

Your husband sounds scary actually. No way could I be with someone that has me walking on egg shells every day. He is a toxic covert narcissistic and is gradually wearing you down to be utterly under his control. Everyone saying you have massively overreacted must be used to dominating behaviour because before I even read the whole thread, his text was passively aggressive. It's classic toxic Narcissism behaviour to accuse you of over reacting. Gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself. Your husband does not have your best interests at heart. You know to read between the lines of his seemingly innocent texts. Sounds like you spend your entire marriage conforming to his demands. You need to leave him for your own emotional well being. I bet with him out of your life you will find you no longer need a therapist. Trust your gut. You know he's the problem.

TheCrowFliesWest · 29/04/2025 16:11

Let us know how accurate your predictions were OP. Keep doing that. Look for patterns.

Purplesy · 29/04/2025 18:06

Tell him to put any extra in the freezer so he can have it now that you are going to eat more in the canteen.

I really hope you are starting to plan your exit.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2025 00:18

BobbyBiscuits · 25/04/2025 11:24

Crikey you sound really angry with him. That message wouldn't evoke such fury in me, but there must be background. If not then you do sound aggressive and snippy.

RTFT!!!!

For the love of god...

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2025 00:21

RememberThatGuy · 28/04/2025 08:10

So I said last night I don’t want dinner and will grab something in the canteen, there was a bit of umming and ahhing but he took it ok.

I have no lunch with me today.

I can predict tonight’s conversation already; did you eat in the canteen or take it back to your office, who was in there, who did you sit with.

Then absolute zero affection because I smell funny. I am preempting this though and will skip the onion in my salad. (He says he can smell raw onion/garlic/spices for a couple of days after on my breath) just going to eat inoffensive non smelly food.

Tonight he is cooking dinner (we take turns) and I guarantee he will make so much that it would be silly not to take left overs to work tomorrow.

For those saying about texting and driving, he was sat in the car outside. He does text whilst driving though, it’s a conversation we have had many times about how dangerous it is. I am not responsible for his actions, I never use my phone while driving, he knows how I feel about it and doesn’t do it if I am in the car.

So whatever you do he manipulates it so you go back to doing what he wants?

Please see it for what it is.

It will only get worse

I can't remember if you've said - do you have friends outside of him?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 02/05/2025 08:50

RememberThatGuy · 25/04/2025 11:49

I am ND, I have ADHD do you think that could be making the difference here? I am not sure how that would contribute to this (not being argumentative here, just genuinely asking your opinion)

Show quote history

Of course it makes all the difference @RememberThatGuy
We're not wired the same as NT.
Now that I've got to this part (apologies for not reading further just yet but I had to jump in when I read this) it makes total sense to me.

My DP of 15 years sometimes makes a comment where I think he's being funny but he's not. It's just how my brain has interpreted it because that's how I'm wired. I've always had situations where I think other people might be meaning xyz (because that's how I took it to be) when they meant it ABC way, if that makes sense?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 02/05/2025 08:56

RememberThatGuy · 25/04/2025 12:17

He does let me go to the gym by myself but only because he is in work otherwise we go together.

We have had many, many arguments about what I can and can’t wear to the gym. I always argue back that I am a grown woman and can dress myself but somehow despite that assertion, I do indeed tend to follow his rules.

How does that even happen! If I am going to do it anyway why not just do it without argument.

See this is the big no no no.
Controlling what you wear because he doesn't want other men appreciating the view.
My DP tried telling me what I could do once (nose piercing, tattoo, short short hair).
He got used to the new look eventually.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 02/05/2025 09:02

RememberThatGuy · 25/04/2025 12:17

He does let me go to the gym by myself but only because he is in work otherwise we go together.

We have had many, many arguments about what I can and can’t wear to the gym. I always argue back that I am a grown woman and can dress myself but somehow despite that assertion, I do indeed tend to follow his rules.

How does that even happen! If I am going to do it anyway why not just do it without argument.

In the situation of your last paragraph, I do this.
Before you let your mouth open to react, stop and think. Is this going to turn into a fight? Is this worth the stress and shit feeling? Is it worth the fight?
And then you have to work out how to word it so you take control of the conversation with a closed sentence and deliver as calmly as possible.

I actually do this with my kids more than DP because you have to consciously think about if the issue is that bigger deal to be having this confrontation with them. I sometimes just say, ok. Obviously it's different because I'm dealing with kids and you're dealing with an adult who seems a bit narcy sadly

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