Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

RTFT

I mean yeah… ‘remember not to cheat on me’ could be seen as flirty I guess

His message was weirdly worded but I do think he meant it innocently and not how you have interpreted it. He would have been better saying ‘remember you’ve got an amazing husband’ which I think was what he was getting at.

I feel like he is always trying to catch me out or trip me up and it’s like a snowball effect, every dig or accusation adds to the ones before.

He thinks I over react to every small thing because he looks at everything separately. So to him that was a nothing comment.

To me it was here we go again!

It's a very random comment to make from your husband.
I'd be a bit 🤔too if mine put that.

Good on you for commenting and his reply is a bit gas lighting to me.

It does seem a weird comment to make, and I think he was definitely passively aggressively hinting at something but then when you called him out on it he tried to brush it off (gaslight you).

He sounds over bearing tbh, making you lunch that you don't even want, texting you from the car, getting moody when he has a cold sore, he seems very needy and immature.

But why would she need to ‘remember’ that on her way to work in the morning? Had she given any indication that she’d forgotten?

I think it would be very interesting to hear how he reacts if OP said she was going on a diet or 😱😱😱😱 to THE GYM!!!! 😱😱😱😱 his reaction to men on TEAMS says it all

This what screams at me.
A needy controlling manipulative twat.
Makes lunch so you don't go to the canteen?
Hassling you at work?
Huffy if you say you are buzy AT WORK???

Toxic relationship OP.
I think you should educate yourself about coercive control, toxic controlling relationships.

I wouldn't be apologising for anything I would be take a really close look at what you have been tolerating from this twat.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy".
Has his behaviour got worse over time?
Do you humour him?
Do you walk on egg shells with him?
Do you adjust your behaviour and what you do to stop him huffing?

Coercive control creeps up on women.

Time for you to make a list of ALL his behaviours and call Women's aid.

I bet you will be told you are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.

my husband says I always over react

And there is another red flag.

You are not over-reacting. He says this to shut you up and control you.

I think you need to say this to him OP - and that he’s becoming less attractive to you as a partner the more he does this. Tell him you’re really grateful but have told him you don’t want the packed lunches so will leave them for him to eat going forward. What can he say to that? “YOU MUST EAT MY LUCHES BECAUSE YOURE MINE AND I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOU!!!!”

🤷‍♀️

And the next poster says 'hard work'

That and controlling are MN's two favourite phrases and I absolutely hate them!

No, he tells you you're overreacting to invalidate your legitimate response to his behaviour. He is trying to control you, and belittling you when you fight back (or ignoring what you want, in the case of the lunch making). Please step back and see it for what it is.

Also please ignore the people on this thread who are reinforcing his disturbing perspective.

It sounds so stupid - oh my husband is so awful he makes my lunch everyday. Most people would think I am nuts to complain about that.

No thats not why he thinks you overreact.

He is passive aggressive and when you openly challenge him he tries to backtrack and make our you're the one being unreasonable or sensitive.

It is very destabilising trying to deal with someone who is PA. They never say what they mean and you're left with a constant underlying anxiety.

You need to start taking him at his literal word, don't appear to second guess at any alternative meanings and force him to be more direct.

It's either a struggle for him to communicate directly or an intentional tactic to make you feel anxious.

I voted yabu just from your first post. However reading your follow ups I change my mind. Only you know him and know his intentions. Trust your gut. And tell him to stop making lunch!! Or dump it and go to the canteen.

Well, if anyone sounds 'controlling' it's not @RememberThatGuy...

“Remember you have a husband” is condescending and makes it sound that you don’t appreciate him or that you might sleep with someone else by accident 🙄 at the bare minimum it’s passive aggressive as he’s saying you should appreciate me more and doing something nice for someone should be it’s own reward. Quite honestly he sounds exhausting.

Argh, OP NOOOOO.

I implore you to ignore these ridiculous posts saying you're over reacting etc.

The message is incredibly, blindingly Passive Aggressive. It is appalling to me when people say so much yet say nothing to clarify. And then tell you you're being sensitive or over reacting.

OP, I assure you this is not ok.

Why can't he simply communicate with you how he feels? Why can't he tell you what he needs? Why that.

If you feel in your senses he's doing this regularly - I assure you, you are correct.

So you have to ask him. In person. What's going on husband? What's this about?

If he dares go down the you're over reacting/ what are you talking about line - you're in trouble with this guy.

Dear god!

Wake up!

I am right with the 'controlling' assessment.

There’s a difference in my husband makes my lunch for me daily because he knows I don’t have time/can’t be bothered and I don’t like the canteen. Or my husband makes me lunch I don’t want just to stop me spending time with my work colleagues.

Who happen to be male.

He wouldn't care if it was Sally from accounting. But Sam is a different matter

You should have responded "remember you ve got a wife" 😆😆😆🕍

I bet he is allowed have a teams call with female work colleagues without interruption.