Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

Even before the added context I thought his message and lunch-making sounded controlling. Now I definitely do. How dare he try and restrict who you talk to at work? Expect you to eat what he thinks you should rather than what you want to? And ARE you actually messy and clumsy or is that what he's told you you are, because you don't fit his standards??

I can't believe people have talked you into apologising and blaming yourself. I really don't like the sound of him.

Me too. Context is everything. Honestly from your update I'm hearing alarm bells OP, your husband is (trying to) control you. No amount of placating him, by accepting his lunches etc., will ever be enough for him. He's gushy, he's helpful, he's the perfect DH, so if you were to split up, you'd be the unreasonable one. Except you wouldn't. I've seen this scenario before.

Do you have children?

It's a weird thing to say I agree but I also think it was an overreaction to start up about digs. You could've said: 'I'm sorry, who is this?'

You sound uptight and difficult. I read your husband's words to hint that he'd like to get physical, or was reminding you that he loves you (which he clearly does since he makes you lunch every day!). Instead, you have thought the worst: taking it to mean you're going old with dementia or are going to have an affair. Why think the worst things and react to them?! No one wins then.

The more you write about him, the more controlling he sounds - and actually quite unpleasant as it’s all masked by lots of kisses and the false pretence that it’s done out of love.

He doesn't sound great though overall. If this is the tip of the iceberg, it's worth a bigger conversation - and start having lunch in the canteen again by all means.

I'm really surprised by some of these responses. I think "remember you have a husband" is a really fucking weird thing to say to you as he leaves for the day.

To me, it comes across one of two ways. Either he's incredibly needy ("insists" on making you a lunch you don't want, texts you from the car as soon as he leaves the house and keeps texting you all day because he's so insecure he needs to know you're thinking about him constantly) or he's controlling. Saying "remember you have a husband" before he leaves is almost like a sort of warning, telling you to "behave yourself" basically.

Either way it sounds suffocating.

He sounds needy, insecure and controlling

-edited to add I write this before seeing the previous post which I whole heartedly agree with!

What a drama over nothing! You do come across rather snippy

He sounds very possesive.

Making someone a packed lunch they don't want isn't an act of love.

Out of curiosity. How old are you?

He comes across as very needy and controlling, nothing amazingly obvious like laying down rules, more insidiously. I would find him very claustrophobic.

I would find the insisting on making you lunch even though you don't want it and the constant messaging very oppressive and controlling to be honest. I would take his message as 'look what I've done for you, be grateful' and it's a bit passive aggressive.

I can't imagine my DH texting me as soon as he's left the house. He usually just says see you tonight and leaves. We're affectionate with each other when we're together but don't feel the need to message each other during the day when we're busy at work.

You said goodbye when he left the house why does he have to text you from the car too.

That would be my take as well

If that passes for flirty in some households, it's a wonder many couples have children

@RememberThatGuy I definitely think you took it too deeply, but I would've taken it as @FaceOrf said, I would have asked him what the hell he meant by that, but after he replied as he did, I would have just said something like 'oh okay, that's just not how it reads. See you tonight.Xx'

We are both well into adulthood. I have adult children.

I read the message as:
...remember you have a husband [who loves you].

It's a slightly clumsy way of saying he loves you.

I’m honestly surprised you have the patience to tolerate his bullshit.

Another one here thinking he sounds clingy and insecure. I would find all this suffocating. How long have you been together?

You're getting some strange responses here, OP. This message doesn't strike me as either flirty or innocuous - it's a passive aggressive "You're mine, don't forget it" and the immediate impression is that he's worried about you interacting with other men during your work day. Ugh.

Yup

Surprised by the comments about the OP here as in reality much more context was needed. Frankly I think he’s the one with the issue. He makes you lunch everyday even though it sounds as though you’d rather go to the canteen and he knows that. You’re trying to lose weight but he packs crisps and chocolate. He then expects you to be grateful everyday for him doing this! That’s controlling behaviour in my book. Then we find he’s threatened by your career.

Stop tip toeing around him. In future don’t rise to the comments or just say ‘how could I forget!’ (I’ve got a husband). Tell him you’d rather sort your own lunch, if he continues to make it just leave it at home or bin it.

So is he in a huff because of the cold sore/lack of sex (he believes)
Is jealous of the fact you work in a male dominated area and is making lunch to mark his territory and stop you eating in canteen with colleagues

That's how it comes across to me with the 'remember you have a husband'
I mean yes correct does he think your suddenly going to develop memory loss or is he saying keep away from the men

A bit odd, jealous and controlling. Especially with the none stop contact

He hates me speaking to my male colleagues over teams and makes digs about which ever one he has the hump about this month

It gets worse.

Are you happy with him?

Is he the father of your children?

I think you’ve overreacted here… I’d have read that as playful unless there’s some huge backstory?