Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

Remember you have a husband is basically him saying remember not to cheat. What a dick

Why on earth does he send you a nice message from the car? Why not actually say your goodbyes and nice words to each other in person before he leaves? That way there’s less likelihood of these misinterpretations and it’s so much more loving and personal.

So he sends you a message every day and has made you dinner. Do you do these things for him as wel? Perhaps he feels taken for granted. If that’s not the case, apologies, just a thought.

If you read the thread (not a dig, just saying as I was the same) there was a big drip feed in later posts.
It's not just about packed lunches at all.

This update gives some context that was needed in the OP! Now I’m wondering if it was a passive-aggressive dig at the fact that you don’t eat the dinners he keeps preparing for you. What does he usually say about you taking it back home uneaten? And it’s a bit weird that he keeps insisting on doing that when he knows you don’t really want it and it’s probably going to go to waste.

Bet he’s glad he bothered now! 😬😂

I apologise if I didn't do that. I thought I read it but maybe not, I had other things on my mind. Sorry again x

He makes her lunch for work, he didn’t make her dinner. He insists on making the lunches so she doesn’t fraternise with her mostly male colleagues at lunchtime. She has told him she doesn’t need the lunches but he ignores. I don’t think she has anything to apologise for.

In the text message he says dinner, but who cares, lunch/dinner. Also I said “apologies, if that is not the case”. I didn’t tell her to apologise.

He's probably just saying that he's earned some Brownie points for packing your lunch - 'don't forget your husband loves you so he's packed your dinner'! Wish mine would. 😂

So I said last night I don’t want dinner and will grab something in the canteen, there was a bit of umming and ahhing but he took it ok.

I have no lunch with me today.

I can predict tonight’s conversation already; did you eat in the canteen or take it back to your office, who was in there, who did you sit with.

Then absolute zero affection because I smell funny. I am preempting this though and will skip the onion in my salad. (He says he can smell raw onion/garlic/spices for a couple of days after on my breath) just going to eat inoffensive non smelly food.

Tonight he is cooking dinner (we take turns) and I guarantee he will make so much that it would be silly not to take left overs to work tomorrow.

For those saying about texting and driving, he was sat in the car outside. He does text whilst driving though, it’s a conversation we have had many times about how dangerous it is. I am not responsible for his actions, I never use my phone while driving, he knows how I feel about it and doesn’t do it if I am in the car.

Oh dear, poor you. He sounds like a control freak. If he shows no affection, just go for the onion and garlic - he doesn't deserve you.

texts from the car, messages all day long. Honestly I think I am at work paid to do a job and I would like to get on with it. If I suggest I am busy he gets offended.

Don't just "suggest" you are busy, tell him you are busy and have to prioritise the work you are paid to do. If he gets offended, tell him to grow up.

There’s so much passivity in this comment. You have agency.

I can predict tonight’s conversation already; did you eat in the canteen or take it back to your office, who was in there, who did you sit with.

You don’t have to have that conversation. He cannot compel you to do so. It’s weird and intrusive, say so.

Then absolute zero affection because I smell funny. I am preempting this though and will skip the onion in my salad. (He says he can smell raw onion/garlic/spices for a couple of days after on my breath) just going to eat inoffensive non smelly food.

This is ridiculous. Eat what you want. If he doesn’t want to hug/kiss/shag because of it, I’m confident you’ll survive.

Tonight he is cooking dinner (we take turns) and I guarantee he will make so much that it would be silly not to take left overs to work tomorrow.

Doesn’t matter. If you don’t want it, don’t take it. He’ll learn to make less, next time.

“I am doing really well in my career, earn more than him by quite a bit with a big payrise on the horizon and work in a very male dominated environment.”

Anyone decent would be cheering you on and praising your achievements. Your husband sounds like he has a million small ways to cut you down to size and keep you under control.

He gets on your case and has you walking on eggshells for socialising at work, going to the gym, what you wear, any interaction with a man, what you eat and that’s just what you have mentioned here. This does not sound like a healthy supportive relationship.

Check out The Freedom Program.

I would read it as you seem to ignore him or he wants some of your busy time given to him. I think you're response is perfectly reasonable.

Don't take the leftovers to work tomorrow, have the lunch you want. If its something like onions you fancy, just have it, he'll have to get over it.
I think you are trying too hard to appease him. This isn't healthy. You should be choosing stuff for yourself. Wear what you like to the gym.
And ignore his stupid texts. Enjoy your job. He thinks he's the boss of you. He isn't. 💐

Tell your dh you don't want to be questioned about who you had lunch with, you had lunch with work colleagues, that's all you need to say. You do not have to continue answering questions, you're an adult, not his child.

Eat what you like and when you like- again, you're a grown up, not a child.

When the leftovers cool down, you can put them in the freezer for lunch some day when you're home. You have to take back control of your life. Find a good therapist to talk to about your dh. Sending you a hug.

and I guarantee he will make so much that it would be silly not to take left overs to work tomorrow.

Do you have a freezer?

Any reason he can't have the leftovers?

''Emotional loan sharking'' is doing a favour or giving a gift unasked for; then using that to make you feel guilty and compliant.

You are in a toxic, abusive relationship. Start planning to find a way out safely.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-to-identify-abuse/

Been lurking on your thread OP and I agree with pp's that your DH seems quite controlling. I don't really agree with AppleBlossom's tack on telling him who you had lunch with, although I understand the sentiment behind her advice (presumably not to give him the opportunity to argue/sulk) but I would actually talk about lunch, i.e. "yes I sat with Dave, John and Eric, we talked about what we did at the weekend, Dave went to a gig, Eric's wife's car broke down on the motorway blah blah ..." because this is an entirely normal conversation to have with a husband/wife. I've only briefly met one or two of my husband's work colleagues but I know the names of most of his team and bits about them, and the same for him with my colleagues because lots of people talk about work over dinner in the evening with their husband/wife. If he has a problem and accuses you of "fancying" anyone or whatever, call him out on it, ask him "wtf are you actually accusing me of!?". Not feeling able to have a perfectly normal discussion with him for fear of setting him off must be so stressful, no-one needs to be walking on eggshells like that.

I agree with you @SealHouse that a person should be able to talk openly about their work friends and their life in general with their spouse/partner. In a loving, respectful relationship it's natural to want to share all these details with your OH. You're right that I only suggested what I did in this case because of his behaviour. I had the misfortune of knowing someone like him many years ago and the more information you gave him the more insecure and controlling he became. Might not necessarily be the case with OP's dh though, hopefully not.

Your last sentence is so true, it must be so horrible for the OP to feel so stressed in her own home and unable to have a normal conversation.

@AppleBlossomMay sorry you also had the misfortune of crossing paths with a similar dickhead and glad you escaped! I agree with you though, being "normal" with him may not produce the best outcome and could make life more difficult for OP. I suppose she really needs to figure out whether accommodating him and his jealous controlling nature is worth whatever it is she gets from the relationship on a positive front (if anything). I wish her the best.

All the people saying that you at over-reacting, and even saying that you sound like a nightmare, have obviously not RTFT! If they had, they would have seen your later comments which make your DH sound like a passive-aggressive control freak. There are so many red flags in his behaviour, you could open a flag shop.