Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

That's what you take from this?
Give me strength.

We have had many, many arguments about what I can and can’t wear to the gym. I always argue back that I am a grown woman and can dress myself but somehow despite that assertion, I do indeed tend to follow his rules.

Christ, that prick that you're married to is a misogynist controlling arsehole!

Time for you to sit down and have this out, once and for all. I'd be telling him 'your insecurity is your problem, and it's a major turn off. I am not your possession, you don't own me (#read the lyrics to this Lesley Gore feminist song) and you don't get to control me. Back off if you don't want a divorce.'

#[Verse 1]
You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
Don't say I can't go with other boys

[Chorus]
And don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display 'cause

[Verse 2]
You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

[Chorus]
I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

[Bridge]
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

This is deliberately missing the point - somebody needs to clean out your cat’s litter tray and hoover your home. If your DH does it, it’s a job off your plate.

OP prefers to eat in the canteen - no one needs to make her lunch. Maybe she’d rather her DH listened to her and used his time to do something helpful - like hoover or care for pets

@JoshLymanSwagger we both do things for each other, he makes me a coffee in the morning because he is up first in the week. I make his breakfast at the weekends so he can stay in bed. We take turns cooking/washing. If his car needs an MOT I go and pick him up, if he has a sore eye I go to get him medicine, we both reciprocate for each other.

That doesn't change any of the other things.

What's with all the people who after 12! Pages! - only read the first post and jump in with their "advice".
OP I hope you've got the message that if anything you are under reacting.
You mention that you had escaped an abusive previous relationship. I think this one slipped under the radar because the guy seems so nice in comparison. He's only making lunch, he's only protecting you from those pervy guys at the gym, all that. It's coercive control disguised as caring for you. This is much more subtle, but it's still an unhealthy, abusive relationship and you don't have to accept it.

Was it a joke? My husband and I say stupid stuff like this to each other. “Have a nice day, good luck fighting off all the ladies in the office,” kind of thing.

So you’re allowed to drive to the MOT garage and somewhere to buy him medicine? Both of these focus on him, have you prioritising him.
The other things you mention are incidental and safely within the home where he doesn’t feel threatened or insecure.
He is not your master.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership of equals based on trust. He fails on both counts.
Escape now.

The difference here is that she ACTIVELY does not want him to make her lunch, she has told him this.

It does my head in when people do things you've asked them not to do, or have decided that something needs doing that you don't think does (like my dp mowing my lawn, I'm fine with if not moan, I also don't care of her does mow it) and then getting the hump when you are not appropriately grateful or adoring over it.

She's not actively repelling him. She wants a tuna salad for lunch (note - she is also trying to diet). HE then complains he doesn't like it. He's trying to control what she eats. She can eat what she wants. It's one fucking lunch, she's not bathing in it (and her comment about adding pickle was clearly light hearted).

And no, re the gym, I don't want my OH to be "protective" where that is actually over bearing, accusing and gaslighting just because someone smiled and nodded at you (there was no suggestion she was being "checked out", you made that up, but it's no different, what business is it of the OH anyway, unless he's a controlling git)

It's not you. It's not about your being ND. If anything, that will make you more vulnerable to being blamed for things that aren't your fault.

When I read your first post I thought he was just joking and you were overreacting. However having read subsequent posts he sounds needy and controlling and I can completely understand why it got your back up

I think you are getting worked up over nothing. He thought he was being cute. I often say to my husband when he is going out "have fun! Don't look at anyone's breasts.!". I say this to him if he is going out for a pint with his mates or to a business meeting. Its just a joke.

Aww cute.

Do you also tell him what he can wear to the gym? Grill him if someone smiles at him? Interrogate him over work colleagues? Get the arse if you think he won't want sex?

@RememberThatGuy having read your updates I agree there are a whole collection of red flags there. The one incident in isolation isn’t much (I initially said you were overthinking) but honestly he sounds problematic at best, and very skilled in having you second guess while he on the surface sounds reasonable. He’s not ok in his behaviour towards you.

He lets you? You're not his child op, you're a grown woman and don't need anyone letting you do anything.

You've mentioned having ADHD and being messy and forgetful. Have you been diagnosed or is it self identification?
Are you aware of the overlap of symptoms of ADHD and trauma?

From reading your updates it would appear you are constantly needing to be alert in case a man looks at you, walking on eggshells at home and have background levels of stress and anxiety due to your oh.

Being constantly on edge is exhausting and can lead to forgetfulness, brain fog etc

Can you imagine how calm and stress free your life would be without your oh constantly monitoring, policing and gaslighting you?!

I could only hope for that kind of treatment from my STBXH. Packing me lunch? Never. Loads of kisses at the end of a message - rarely I got one. Telling me he loved me? Only if I said it first.

YABVU.

Also I meant to add, of course he says your overreacting, because he doesn't want you to disagree or challenge him on anything.

You're being conditioned to be docile and pliant for his benefit.

I would have replied.

Who is this? Do I know you?

But I'm an awkward sod

Have you read any updates? Packing op's lunch, controlling. Kisses at the end of messages, passive aggressive coercion, telling her he loved her, gaslighting.

I'm sorry, I don't understand your response?

I am on the waiting list, my therapist told me to get referred, I orginally thought I had bi polar or BPD but they have said it’s ADHD.

I honestly don’t think you get it. And that’s fine, it shows you’ve been lucky and never been in a controlling relationship. Equally, it means your situation and insight doesn’t relate.

If you read a few of ops other posts you will

Jesus Christ, calm down OP!

How very U of you to be not happy with him.

Jesus Christ, RTFT
Or at least OP's posts