Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

I don’t think the marriage contract says you have to.

People can dislike all sorts of things, you know. Or even like it but not every minute/hour/day/week.

Neurodivergent people (like OP) often don’t like it because of sensory challenges.

Why use the word ‘remember’? Why seek praise? Why not just say I love you, enjoy your lunch xxx Someone telling me to ‘remember’ what their standing is in our relationship would get my hackles up.

Don’t tell me a mother saying to their adult child ‘remember I’m your mother’ wouldn’t come across as loaded in some way (you haven’t phoned me enough, you haven’t visited me enough etc).

I see what you are saying. But people have different turns of phrase and it wouldn't worry me on its own. Combined with controlling behaviour it is worrying.
I read it more as 'Remember I love you, remember I'm in your life'. Perhaps wrongly!

Some posters on here would dress that up as him doing her a favour because she must have forgotten things in the past, so maybe he didnt want her getting upset if she did momentarily forget 🙄

I suspect this harks back to yesterday - maybe he's saying you might forget because he didn't say goodbye yesterday, i.e. it's his fault.

I'm immediately feeling that the lunch thing is the H being controlling and manipulative, the "you always over-react" gaslighting etc. all ties in.

When someone insists on doing you a favour you neither requested, wanted or needed, then sits back and does the Daily Mail type sad face when you don't profusely thank them, there's an agenda. What with all the info about grilling the OP on other men - as someone very aptly said earlier, red flags all over this beach.

I see it purely as a reminder of his status not a declaration of his love.

Even if I had the kindest most loving dh I would find that an odd and unsettling turn of phrase and I’d be telling him (nicely, if he was genuinely nice) that it’s not a phrase I like and not to use it again.

When someone insists on doing you a favour you neither requested, wanted or needed, then sits back and does the Daily Mail type sad face when you don't profusely thank them, there's an agenda

It sometime surprises me that there are any people left who are happily married.

I didn't need to clean bird shit off DH car, he didn't need to clean the cats litter trays, I didn't need to put his laundry in with mine , he didn't need to make me a cup of tea, I didn't need to make his lunch, he didn't need to hoover.

I broke no.1 rule of MN, I didn't read all OP's posts before posting.

@RememberThatGuy I think you have bigger problems than a text message and lunch.

Perhaps start a thread laying it all out, and ask for advice. Don't hold anything back - it could be cathartic for you too.

Yes but do you have the DM sad face? If not then your situation isn’t the same.

People who don’t get it are very fortunate as they obviously have not experienced a controlling or abusive relationship.

Your post has nothing to do with that posters point.

Presumably those things you posted are wanted and/or needed though.

It's the unwanted bit that's key here. She not only did not ask for lunch, she actively does not want it. He gives it to her to stop her having lunch in the canteen with Other Men!

He then reminds her by text to be grateful for something she didn't want. This is controlling behaviour. You're very lucky you've not had to deal with it.

"He does let you go to the gym on your own?"

OP, your language is all wrong.
You have been conditioned by him.
You going to the gym shouldn't even be on his radar.

How long are you with this abusive arsehole?

he insists on making me lunch every day and most days I bring the majority of it back home

I would feel hurt if I made lunch every day for my husband and he didn't eat it and brought most of it home. You sound very ungrateful and you are not coming out of this looking good.

Hot Take!!

Remember my beautiful exotic, high achieving bird you are in our golden cage, you are mine and I am yours, there is no need or opportunity for anyone else to interact with you, you are mine.

My friend's partner is very similar to yours. He wants to do absolutely everything together, decides what she wears out and to the gym and makes her feel guilty and argues for hours about it if she puts on something he isn't happy with, hates her interacting with other men in any context, texts her all day every day at work (they work in the same place), and a whole other list of very controlling and concerning behaviours that really remind me of your situation. I am worried for you OP ❤️

The CAR needed the shit wiping of the windscreen.
The CATS needed clean trays.
There was a load of washing to do...
If I'm making one sandwich, why not make two?

You must be able to see that from a different angle this looks pretty petty to be actively repelling your OH (tuna and onions so he stays away).

As far as the gym is concerned - you really think the blokes don't check out the women? You don't want your OH to be protective of you?

OK, fair enough - maybe I'm the Handmaid here 🤷‍♀️ but I'm a happy one.

I fail to understand how people don't even realise this. Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me honestly. Like wtf does remember you have a husband even mean. It's giving insecure, controlling, intimated bored husband. I would have responded the way you did OP

There's an old adage:
Women think that he'll change; he won't.
Men think she'll never leave; she will.

Sadly, it plays out again, and again. Man has bad, or unreasonable behaviour, doesn't think he should change (even if it's distressing his wife) because that's the man she married and she should put up with it. Woman keeps hoping he'll change by explaining how hurt and stressed she is, she changes some of her behaviours to show she's willing to compromise because she loves him and wants to save the relationship. Man sees that some of his bad behaviours are working, and she clearly needs him as she's going to extra effots for him, he therefore must be right and he should keep doing it as it rewards him.

Woman nearly has mental breakdown and leaves.

Man can't believe it and thinks she's totally batshit/unreasonable.

Sometimes these roles are reversed, obvs.

I think it’s you that doesn’t look good. I’m embarrassed for you. Read the posts.

If that is your take on it then you need to tell him to stop being a jealous arse, you will sit and eat in the canteen if you want to and of he wants you to remember he's your husband he needs to trust you.
However, that's not how things come across in your first post. You've got some thinking to fo.

Ok, this is drip feeding. You should have said that in your OP.

What we he say if you told him you eat his lunch in the cafeteria with the guys? I mean, sitting with them, you eating the lunch he made for you, them eating theirs? Like, does it matter if your lunch is bought or unbought as to whether you spend the actual lunchtime with your male colleagues?

"He will complain because he hates tuna and raw onion and he won't kiss me for about two days. I might add pickles and make it three days!"

😂

Hi @1apenny2apenny I just wanted to come if you hadn't seen I edited - apologies I hadn't refreshed the page for a while and missed a bunch of your updates.

<hugs>