Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

He sounds awful from your first post & more so from the subsequent ones imo.

So he makes you lunch to stop you eating in the canteen?🙄

Sounds like what you 'have' is a need to be constantly alert to your husband's disapproval, watching out for situations - your clothing, friendly people, cold sores - that could anger him, and the necessary tension induced by living with someone who mistrusts you. If you've painted this picture in therapy and it's not being examined, you need a different practitioner.

I apologise for hitting YABU! I should've used my imagination a bit more. I'll change that now.

It sounds very innocent to me... as he says he loves you which sounds very sweet.

However, If I say to my husband "I have made you dinner and did your laundry, don't forget you have a wife." It is a different story because I have been doing this for him for the last 20+ years! It's more like a reminder to him that there's somebody there to do the "magic".

I still giggle at this youtube video.

OP posted other replies. It seems her husband does the lunch because he doesn't want her getting her lunch from the cafeteria with other men, doesn't like men talking to her, and makes rules about what she can wear to the gym. So there is far, far more to it than her first post.

I am on the waiting list, my therapist told me to get referred, I orginally thought I had bi polar or BPD but they have said it’s ADHD.

Was it your therapist that said ADHD? Unless your therapist is a clinical
psychologist they are not remotely qualified to diagnose or suggest a diagnosis. There’s a huge overlap in symptoms with trauma and ADHD/ASD/BPD and trauma would exacerbate all of the others too.

Your DH is abusive. You are living with that abuse and trying to function in that context, which has to be given serious consideration in terms of your functioning. A therapist with a good understanding of coercive control and trauma would be a good use of time and money.

I was never fully honest with the therapist, I didn’t want her to ask me why I didn’t leave. I told her I was having second thoughts about getting married and ahead of tried to help me through all of that.

If someone does something for you that you don't want & have said so, why would they carry on?

To cause an argument?

Because they know better than you what you want?

Because it's about them & what they want?

Oh bloody hell. No. I hadn’t. Hope that there are decent men out there destroyed again. 😞

Sorry OP. I will change my vote.

Yes her dh sounds a real gem (not).

Funny video though.

A good therapist won’t ask you why you don’t leave, or expect that you will leave. They’ll help you unpick your own feelings and help you make sense of what you need in the here and now. They’ll recognise the harm being done to you, and help you recognise it too but what you do with that knowledge is entirely your decision.

You’re in a situation where he has you questioning your own responses and changing your behaviour to suit him, all wrapped up in the language of love. That’s a total mind fuck, your previous experience of abuse in relationships leaves you vulnerable to abusive men and he’s taken full advantage of that. None of that is your fault, it will however impact you in all kinds of ways.

Agreed. I took have ADHD, and totally read the not so subtle undertone in his posts instantly...maybe because when you have ADHD you are so hyper sensitive to the feelings and tones of others. You'll be used to being made to feel unreasonable, or over sensitive etc. But you're right, and you probably are in all of your other interpretations of what he's doing.

Even his use of the word defensive is interesting, not sensitive or whatever, but defensive. As if you have something to defend.

Behave - clearly advice for going forward

But how can the OP stop her husband from texting her, going forward?

She can’t.

But she can decide how she is reacting to it. Ignoring messages whilst at work fir example

Oh OP! I voted YABU at first but then after reading your updates quickly changed to YANBU! Please leave this twat 🙄

Hmmm either OP is massively overreacting or there is more of a backstory here. Does he normally say odd things and then tell you your the one with the problem?

Just read the updates.

You are living with an emotional abuser.

Read a book called ‘why does he do that’ by Lucy Bancroft. It will really open your eyes.

She can explain to him that texting from the car is illegal and that she won't be responding to any sent from the car. And then not respond. In the words of Donna in CBB it's really not that deep, babe!

Of course she can do those things, although I'm sure he already knows that texting from a car is illegal (is he doing this though? I got the impression that she was driving to work and he was still at home). She can’t actually stop him from doing something though. No idea who Donna is or what CBB is though, sorry!

Texting from a stationary car parked outside the home you left 2 mins ago before you’ve started the engine is absolutely fine, legally. (It’s beyond creepy in reality.)

It wouldn’t be illegal if he was using hands free. But I agree that it’s really bizarre to be sending messages to someone you live with just a few minutes after you’ve left them.

I am late to the thread but found the messages strange. The updates are slightly chilling.

Are you happy with this guy?

It reads to me as though he was saying (in a nice way), ‘remember you have a husband who loves you’ and just hastily typed out a shortened version of that. However now I’ve seen all the updates, it does sound a bit controlling, especially as he’s making you a lunch each day (that you don’t want) so he can stop you socialising with men in the canteen.

It reads to me that YOU haven't RTFT

In all honesty, I probably would have reacted in a similar way lol (maybe something’s wrong with me 😅). I would have looked into it too deeply and felt he was implying that I was thinking of being unfaithful. This post and the comments have enlightened me though. Makes me realise that I need to stop jumping to conclusions at times. But I do know my response would be triggered by past events/ trauma.