Page 8 | To ask my maid of honour not to announce her engagement at my wedding

Skyhu · 2025-04-24T15:23:56+00:00

I'm getting married next month, my MoH has just told me that she's engaged. Obviously, I'm super happy for her, but we have a lot of mutual friends, and the next time we will see most of them is at our wedding. I don't want to have to ask her, but I just want our day to be about me and my FH. All advice appreciated!

mmsnet · 25/04/2025 23:46

youre a child

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 25/04/2025 23:57

I can imagine that her boyfriend getting down on one knee in the middle of the ceremony or someone actually giving birth on the dancefloor might somewhat detract from the big day. But I just couldn’t get too worked up about someone announcing their engagement or pregnancy etc at my wedding. I think it would be lovely to have such an announcement with all friends and family around. I just don’t understand how territorial people get about wedding days.

Beautifulweeds · 26/04/2025 00:30

I really wouldn't mind at all, it will be an extra memory for the day.

As you said, not often you all get together. You will have your day, it's just an extra special moment for them. You will be married!

I really couldn't imagine why anyone would be against it at all.

Original poster

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 09:06

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments, even if some seemed unnecessarily harsh!

I thought I might add some context for the reasoning behind my worries:

My partner and I both have minimal families; it will just be both of our parents at the wedding, and even then, we don't have the best of relationships with them. That has meant that we have found the process of telling people we are engaged and planning the wedding to be quite difficult as we've not had the love and support from our family, which we can see others have in our circles. I'm not somebody who usually gets attention, I normally fade into the background, an only child who never learnt how to speak up for herself, and so having spent so much time and money on this one day, I was excited to have just this one day which could be all about us.

My maid of honor has had the opposite upbringing to me, full of unconditional love from her family, and unlike me, can easily draw on the attention of others. So I guess I just feel that she will already get all the family support that I have missed out on, I really don't want her to take my one day away from me too. She can have every other day in eternity, but I just wanted this one day for myself (I didn't realise that for some people this is seen as a crime).

As a side note, I didn't realise the word 'announce' was so nuanced, so apologies for that. She has told me that she is waiting to tell people in person, and the next time they will see most people is at our wedding.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/04/2025 09:08

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 09:06

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments, even if some seemed unnecessarily harsh!

I thought I might add some context for the reasoning behind my worries:

My partner and I both have minimal families; it will just be both of our parents at the wedding, and even then, we don't have the best of relationships with them. That has meant that we have found the process of telling people we are engaged and planning the wedding to be quite difficult as we've not had the love and support from our family, which we can see others have in our circles. I'm not somebody who usually gets attention, I normally fade into the background, an only child who never learnt how to speak up for herself, and so having spent so much time and money on this one day, I was excited to have just this one day which could be all about us.

My maid of honor has had the opposite upbringing to me, full of unconditional love from her family, and unlike me, can easily draw on the attention of others. So I guess I just feel that she will already get all the family support that I have missed out on, I really don't want her to take my one day away from me too. She can have every other day in eternity, but I just wanted this one day for myself (I didn't realise that for some people this is seen as a crime).

As a side note, I didn't realise the word 'announce' was so nuanced, so apologies for that. She has told me that she is waiting to tell people in person, and the next time they will see most people is at our wedding.

Hmm. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her how you feel. Why can't you just say to her what you've said here?

SallyWD · 26/04/2025 09:14

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 09:06

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments, even if some seemed unnecessarily harsh!

I thought I might add some context for the reasoning behind my worries:

My partner and I both have minimal families; it will just be both of our parents at the wedding, and even then, we don't have the best of relationships with them. That has meant that we have found the process of telling people we are engaged and planning the wedding to be quite difficult as we've not had the love and support from our family, which we can see others have in our circles. I'm not somebody who usually gets attention, I normally fade into the background, an only child who never learnt how to speak up for herself, and so having spent so much time and money on this one day, I was excited to have just this one day which could be all about us.

My maid of honor has had the opposite upbringing to me, full of unconditional love from her family, and unlike me, can easily draw on the attention of others. So I guess I just feel that she will already get all the family support that I have missed out on, I really don't want her to take my one day away from me too. She can have every other day in eternity, but I just wanted this one day for myself (I didn't realise that for some people this is seen as a crime).

As a side note, I didn't realise the word 'announce' was so nuanced, so apologies for that. She has told me that she is waiting to tell people in person, and the next time they will see most people is at our wedding.

This gives a bit more context but I still find it odd. Do you really think everyone will be focussed on you and only talk about you the entire day?
I've been to dozens of weddings and have always made small talk with whoever I'm standing/sitting next time. We generally don't talk about the bride and groom but talk about each other, asking questions about the others lives. It would seem very odd if your Maid of Honour was banned from mentioning her engagement.

DappledThings · 26/04/2025 09:18

She can have every other day in eternity, but I just wanted this one day for myself (I didn't realise that for some people this is seen as a crime).
But what does that actually mean? Is it only topics related to weddings that are off the table so that all the focus is on you? What about pregnancy or a promotion or a big holiday some is excited about? All of which are standard conversation. Is nobody allowed to talk about anything nice going on with them without that meaning you no longer feel you have the day all for yourself?

People are perfectly capable of being excited and interested in more than one thing at a time. Thinking that if they spend a little bit of the day saying "Congratulations Jenny, that's lovely" then they aren't also completely celebrating you is rather silly.

Emptybookshelves3 · 26/04/2025 09:22

A friend of mine ‘announced’ her pregnancy at my wedding. As in she told our friends and me ( she wasn’t drinking)

I was delighted for her! It was great to share happy news at a happy event.

didn’t spoil my day at all and wonder why people think that everyone has to be thinking about only them all day!

MadamCholetsbonnet · 26/04/2025 09:35

So you’re jealous of her.

You are still being unreasonable. Did you think people will refrain from talking freely and only discuss you and your new DH? Have you not been to many weddings?

Hoober · 26/04/2025 10:04

I was excited to have just this one day which could be all about us.
no wedding is this, it’s your day, but people are often catching up for the first time in ages and will be sharing all sorts of news. Have you been a guest before? This is standard wedding stuff.
also you’re overhyping the drama of telling people your engaged, most people are going to just be like hey congrats to her and move on.
you need to get over whatever weird jealousy you have of her, as that’s going to eat you up far more than her telling people she’s engaged.

FlorenceB19 · 26/04/2025 12:26

If it was my MOH, I would class her as my best friend aka Soul sister & I would be thrilled that she will be getting married.

Weddings are filled with love & excitement for the future, shared with family & friends.

I'm assuming you have many joint friends & perhaps she hasn't mentioned to all in a group because she doesn't want to look like she's taking any sort of limelight from you, but maybe assumes once you're married, she can then share her exciting news & what better way, having many joint friends & the wedding atmosphere to make such an amazing announcement.

As her best friend, I would be tempted to talk to her beforehand about her intentions! (Reassuring her to leave the announcement to me as her best friend) & sneakily enquire if they have thought about their wedding dance song etc!

Then after my 1st dance, I would ask the DJ to make an announcement & dedicate their song to the Newly engaged couple 🥂

WimpoleHat · 26/04/2025 12:30

it’s your day, but people are often catching up for the first time in ages and will be sharing all sorts of news.

@Hoober is spot on. And it doesn’t take anything away from your day, honestly - people have come together to celebrate your marriage, but they’ll have a wide range of conversations. It’s true at any big event: christenings, funerals etc. You really can’t control what people talk about! So - if she’s telling people she’s pregnant in the course of chatting to them, then totally fair enough. If she’s trying to make a speech about it, not so much.

Justgoingforaweeliedown · 26/04/2025 12:59

I don't think your explanation changes anything. It's unreasonable to expect everyone's full attention for the entire day and even more unreasonable to expect her not to tell people in passing small talk conversation. Nobody is going to make a big deal of it. They'll say oh congratulations then move on. You'll probably not hear a thing about it because you'll be off for photos and speaking with other guests.

surreygirlzz · 26/04/2025 13:11

Unbelievable
Incredible
Bizarre

EllieQ · 26/04/2025 13:18

SallyWD · 24/04/2025 18:18

This is something I can't understand or relate to. If it was my friend, I'd want her to announce it at my wedding! It would be lovely for her to share happy news on a happy day.

Same here, I’m quite baffled by some of the responses. In fact, I would have suggested the best man or the groom mentioned it in their speech (if the friend agreed) so we could all raise a glass to them.

I’ve been at weddings where the speeches have included birthday wishes for the groom’s niece (turned 18 the day before), welcoming a new family member (six week old baby at the wedding), congratulating relatives on 40 years of marriage (anniversary the previous month), and they’ve all been lovely moments with shared happiness.

Original poster

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 13:22

Gosh the internet is a horrible place. I asked for advice, not hate. To all of you who have posted quite mean comments on this thread to a stranger, who is clearly feeling insecure.... there are ways to disagree without being rude.

To those of you who have called me a jealous child, yes - I suppose I am jealous. Jealous of the love she will get that I haven't had. The lack of love I have had from my family is perhaps what is making the attention from my friends all the more important to me. But if anyone is able to say they've never been jealous of anyone, then hats off to you!

To those of you saying, do they have to spend the whole day talking about us.... of course not, I just want them to soak up our wedding and not be already focused on the next one.

I'm also perplexed that it seems to be outrageous to suggest I would want attention on my wedding day?? To those of you who have said this, you must have never gone through the process of organising a wedding.

Anyway, I never expected a community of mostly women to be so horrible to each other, so I won't be looking at this anymore.

OP posts:

B1anche · 26/04/2025 13:31

Oh come on. You asked if you were being unreasonable and everyone has said yes. Why ask if you're going to be so dismissive of the responses?

Hoober · 26/04/2025 13:36

Have you been to a wedding before? I’m not asking that to be sarcastic or mean, but your idea of what happens, is so far off base, people will be like oh don’t they look lovely, and that really will be the end of the conversations about you both. They will be soaking up the wedding by being at the wedding, even her telling them about hers won’t be them focused on the next one, it will just be an oh that’s nice congrats. No one is obsessing over weddings, engagements etc apart from the two people involved, it’s a passing thought for everyone else.

people aren’t being mean, they’re being realistic, you will spoil it for yourself far more with this thought pattern than a close friend sharing her news while chatting.

NewDayMoreWork · 26/04/2025 13:50

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 09:06

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments, even if some seemed unnecessarily harsh!

I thought I might add some context for the reasoning behind my worries:

My partner and I both have minimal families; it will just be both of our parents at the wedding, and even then, we don't have the best of relationships with them. That has meant that we have found the process of telling people we are engaged and planning the wedding to be quite difficult as we've not had the love and support from our family, which we can see others have in our circles. I'm not somebody who usually gets attention, I normally fade into the background, an only child who never learnt how to speak up for herself, and so having spent so much time and money on this one day, I was excited to have just this one day which could be all about us.

My maid of honor has had the opposite upbringing to me, full of unconditional love from her family, and unlike me, can easily draw on the attention of others. So I guess I just feel that she will already get all the family support that I have missed out on, I really don't want her to take my one day away from me too. She can have every other day in eternity, but I just wanted this one day for myself (I didn't realise that for some people this is seen as a crime).

As a side note, I didn't realise the word 'announce' was so nuanced, so apologies for that. She has told me that she is waiting to tell people in person, and the next time they will see most people is at our wedding.

’I really don't want her to take my one day away from me too’

Nothing you have just said has made me change my mind on this. How on earth is she ‘taking your one day away’ from you??

NewDayMoreWork · 26/04/2025 13:58

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 13:22

Gosh the internet is a horrible place. I asked for advice, not hate. To all of you who have posted quite mean comments on this thread to a stranger, who is clearly feeling insecure.... there are ways to disagree without being rude.

To those of you who have called me a jealous child, yes - I suppose I am jealous. Jealous of the love she will get that I haven't had. The lack of love I have had from my family is perhaps what is making the attention from my friends all the more important to me. But if anyone is able to say they've never been jealous of anyone, then hats off to you!

To those of you saying, do they have to spend the whole day talking about us.... of course not, I just want them to soak up our wedding and not be already focused on the next one.

I'm also perplexed that it seems to be outrageous to suggest I would want attention on my wedding day?? To those of you who have said this, you must have never gone through the process of organising a wedding.

Anyway, I never expected a community of mostly women to be so horrible to each other, so I won't be looking at this anymore.

Edited

People have taken the time to respond in detail. You need to get a grip and get some perspective. So much minor stuff can go wrong on a wedding day; please don’t hype it up even more than you have done already, otherwise I worry how you will cope if things don’t go your way on the day.

These things like your moh getting engaged and telling others, are unimportant. People are not going to spend the whole day talking about your wedding, nor will they be spending the day ‘focussing on the next one’. Hopefully they will be relaxed, chatting about all sorts of stuff, and enjoying themselves, knowing they are there for the union of very special friends.

Do you love each other and are you excited about your life ahead being married? If so, that’s amazing and all that you need.

Atarin · 26/04/2025 14:05

Skyhu · 26/04/2025 13:22

Gosh the internet is a horrible place. I asked for advice, not hate. To all of you who have posted quite mean comments on this thread to a stranger, who is clearly feeling insecure.... there are ways to disagree without being rude.

To those of you who have called me a jealous child, yes - I suppose I am jealous. Jealous of the love she will get that I haven't had. The lack of love I have had from my family is perhaps what is making the attention from my friends all the more important to me. But if anyone is able to say they've never been jealous of anyone, then hats off to you!

To those of you saying, do they have to spend the whole day talking about us.... of course not, I just want them to soak up our wedding and not be already focused on the next one.

I'm also perplexed that it seems to be outrageous to suggest I would want attention on my wedding day?? To those of you who have said this, you must have never gone through the process of organising a wedding.

Anyway, I never expected a community of mostly women to be so horrible to each other, so I won't be looking at this anymore.

Edited

I can see you’re upset, but you need to be realistic. When someone tells you they are engaged do you really immediately start thinking of their wedding, unable to concentrate on your day? People are capable of saying congratulations and enjoying the atmosphere of your day. People rarely talk about weddings at weddings, people don’t really talk at length about other people’s weddings full stop!

Maybe I’m the odd one, but when my friends have got engaged I’ve said congratulations and then we generally talk about something else. I’ve never given other people’s weddings that much attention.

You’ll have a lovely day, other people having good news will surely only make your day better? This won’t take anything away from the wedding.

Popadomorbread · 26/04/2025 14:09

I got engaged a few weeks before my friends wedding. I didn’t announce it but people knew and were wishing us congratulations and asking to see the ring etc… This wasn’t in the middle or the ceremony or speeches or anything however just when we were all talking and catching up with our lives. As long as she isn’t making an announcement I don’t see the issue.
my friend chose to give me her bouquet at the end of the night saying ‘you next’ which was lovely.

DappledThings · 26/04/2025 14:15

I'm also perplexed that it seems to be outrageous to suggest I would want attention on my wedding day?? To those of you who have said this, you must have never gone through the process of organising a wedding
Don't be ridiculous. You seem to think it's all or nothing. That if there is any discussion whatsoever of another wedding and anything other than 100% focus on you then it's ruined your day. Most of us have organised our weddings. None of us have expected 100% attention or considered that anything less than that is spoiling anything.

Justgoingforaweeliedown · 26/04/2025 14:28

I've planned a wedding OP. It was small with about 15 guests. Other than my mum, nobody there knew my sister was pregnant but she turned up with a bump and of course there was talk about it. It didn't detract from the day at all and I don't feel like I had any less attention than I otherwise might have done. You have no idea how you'll feel on the day. You'll be in your own little world, floating on cloud 9 and you'll barely take anything in other than your new husband. You'll have no idea if others have spoken about your friend's engagement or what they had for dinner last night. Don't let this overshadow your day, you'll (hopefully) only do it once and it's such a special time.

itsgettingweird · 26/04/2025 14:34

Surely the ring will be the giveaway?!