To ask my maid of honour not to announce her engagement at my wedding

[Skyhu]

I'm getting married next month, my MoH has just told me that she's engaged. Obviously, I'm super happy for her, but we have a lot of mutual friends, and the next time we will see most of them is at our wedding. I don't want to have to ask her, but I just want our day to be about me and my FH.

All advice appreciated!

You realise that people don’t really talk about the bride and groom particularly when in conversation, right, other than a quick courteous ‘wasn’t that lovely, doesn’t she look gorgeous, wasn’t the flower girl cute!’ Or whatever for 30 seconds? I’m just not sure what you’re picturing. Your MoH spots your mutual friend, Anna, goes over for a chat, and after a bit of a catch up says ‘well yes everything’s great - actually Chris and I got engaged last month!’ and shows the ring. Should Anna be shocked and say ‘What?! Why are you telling me this?! We must go back to talking about the bride immediately?!’ I honestly don’t get it. Surely Anna will say ‘aww that’s lovely, congrats, have you set a date?’ And then there will be some general wedding chat. And then it will move on to ‘So how’s the new job, Anna?’ Or whatever. Weddings are social occasions where people catch up on their news, you can’t censor that, and I don’t really get why you’d want to!

Yet part of life? Other people exist? How is it unnecessary? If the news hasn’t reached certain people then of course it will be shared. Or should the bride and groom list safe topics for guests to discuss that ensure not an ounce of attention is placed elsewhere?! Would love to know what’s off limits - a new job? Relocating? Having a baby? Weddings are a celebration of people and family and future. Get a grip.

This is indeed really bizarre. One of my two adult bridesmaids was also pregnant. 16 days away from her delivery as it turned out but she was happy to carry on. Why would I have changed from a church wedding?

I just have never understood women being so precious about their wedding day. Do you really think that your MOH telling some people that she is pregnant is all of a sudden going to turn their attention from you?

Unless you are drip feeding and your MoH of being inappropriate and loud I can't see what is your concern?

People will be chatting about everything 🙄

I can't understand these feelings of jealously and biterness towards people who are supposed to be your closest most special friends/family

Surely she’ll announce it before then on socials or something? I’m assuming she’ll be wearing a ring…you absolutely can’t ask her to hide her engagement from her friends. Are people only allowed to talk about you on your wedding day? Trust me you’ll be getting plenty of attention so I wouldn’t worry too much. Maybe be happy for her? She’s your ‘maid of honour’ so I’m assuming you care about her somewhat?

I think you’re being unreasonable.

As MoH she is presumably your closest friend/family member?
I don’t think you can ask someone that close to conceal something purely because it would make you jealous. Obviously no grand announcement or anything but to tell people and flash a ring in conversation? Absolutely fine.

No one will miss your first kiss as a married couple or first dance because they’re trying to get a look at the ring or rushing to congratulate them.
Engagements (and weddings to be honest), are massive deals to the people involved, but just a nice piece of passing news for most others.
I just think you’re overestimating the response she’ll get, an excited squeal and hug from a few aren’t going to overshadow your day, and if you’re that close you shouldn’t feel like it should!

Who’s FH? First husband?

YABU

Future, I’m assuming 😀

Same here! I've never been to a wedding where people discuss the bride and groom, really. Everyone just catches up with each other.

I still can’t believe people like you exist

She’ll hopefully be polite enough not to mention it - I got engaged just before a friend’s wedding and I switched my engagement ring to the other hand when we attended so eagle-eyed friends didn’t notice. We announced it a week later. If the bride had actually asked me not to talk about it however…I would have been mortified and thought she was up her own arse.

YABU.

That was all very unnecessary and playing into the silly idea of thunder stealing.

Making an announcement in front of everyone would be unreasonable. Telling her own friends in small conversations would be completely fine

Mentioning it would not be “impolite” - don’t be so ridiculous.

Why don’t you ask her when she plans to announce it to family and friends and take it from there? Presumably she’ll post something on social media soon.

If she tells you she plans to announce it at your wedding I don’t think YABU to ask her not to, but I don’t think you can police her conversations on the day. People are likely to congratulate her if it’s the first time they’ve seen her, and it’s an easy thing to bring up in “small talk”.

It’s not like she’ll announce it, and then everyone magically forgets where they are and why, and only then focus on her. Hopefully she won’t do it, but if she does, it’s not exactly the end of the world. Don’t be that bride.

It really wouldn't bother me, and surely she will be telling people before your wedding, given that she has already got engaged. I also can't recall a single wedding that I have been to where the bride and groom were the constant centre of attention for the whole event. One of my friends got married on New Year's Eve and the evening do not only celebrated their marriage but also welcomed in the new year.

Back in those days at our church it was considered inappropriate for such a pregnant woman to be in a wedding - I was told. I didn’t argue. I simply adjusted and accommodated.
And it was lovely and everybody was happy.
Why is it such a BFD to you?

Lmaoo are you a child? No one even cares that you or her are getting married... most people attend about 1 or 2 weddings a year anyway... they are boring.

How long ago was your wedding?

Exactly.

Or do you want her to not wear her engagement ring, just in case it takes some of the shine off you? 🙄

Your guest are going to need something to talk about - weddings are very long and boring!

Assuming BFD means big fucking deal, not something I've ever seen used as an acronym but it fits, then it isn't one. I find it very odd.

It's many a decade since even a pregnant bride would raise much of an eyebrow at a CofE wedding, let alone a bridesmaid whose virtue is irrelevant. So your reasoning was pretty inevitable in your first post.

Agree with PP saying that weddings are social events for most people. There is no such thing as guests « focusing » on the bride all day and night long, appart perhaps some very close family members like parents, and even then, they’re usually happy to socialise with their friends. This is something which never came to my mind when I got married. All I wanted was to be surrounded by people I care about and them to have a great, memorable time. I didn’t make this day just about me/us.