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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my maid of honour not to announce her engagement at my wedding

207 replies

Skyhu · 24/04/2025 16:23

I'm getting married next month, my MoH has just told me that she's engaged. Obviously, I'm super happy for her, but we have a lot of mutual friends, and the next time we will see most of them is at our wedding. I don't want to have to ask her, but I just want our day to be about me and my FH.

All advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 21:19

DappledThings · 24/04/2025 21:17

Assuming BFD means big fucking deal, not something I've ever seen used as an acronym but it fits, then it isn't one. I find it very odd.

It's many a decade since even a pregnant bride would raise much of an eyebrow at a CofE wedding, let alone a bridesmaid whose virtue is irrelevant. So your reasoning was pretty inevitable in your first post.

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I know very weird

Calmdownpeople · 24/04/2025 21:29

nessiesnotreal · 24/04/2025 16:30

I never get this 'no-one is allowed to steal my thunder' mentality surrounding a wedding. But that's just me.

If all your mutual friends are going to be there it would be a good way for her to tell everyone. Could she do it much later on in the day after the ceremony/photos/meal/speeches have all been done?

I don't get why it should matter that much if she tells people she got engaged? Yes they will be happy for her but its in no way going to spoil your wedding day at this stage of the day is it? Or is it?

I guess if it really bothers you that much then you could ask her if she wouldn't mind but to me it feels a little mean if she is a good friend.

Completely agree. Surely your MoH is close to you and you want her to be happy or is it onky on your terms?

Of course she shouldn’t announce it but completely fine to tell people. The fact that you are even worrying about this as a possibility speaks volumes about you OP.

Calmdownpeople · 24/04/2025 21:32

Herewegoagain84 · 24/04/2025 20:07

Yet part of life? Other people exist? How is it unnecessary? If the news hasn’t reached certain people then of course it will be shared. Or should the bride and groom list safe topics for guests to discuss that ensure not an ounce of attention is placed elsewhere?! Would love to know what’s off limits - a new job? Relocating? Having a baby? Weddings are a celebration of people and family and future. Get a grip.

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Can you imagine?

A: How are you?
B: Fine
A: what’s new?
B: Nothing nothing at all. We can only talk about the bride and wedding so nothing about me or my life. How are you?
A: Fine, nothing I can say from my side.

Good solid social chat of close people at a wedding.

Livelovebehappy · 24/04/2025 21:37

If she’s wearing an engagement ring people are going to notice and comment anyway. You can’t tell her to hide the ring or remove it.

TheHerboriste · 24/04/2025 21:37

Calmdownpeople · 24/04/2025 21:32

Can you imagine?

A: How are you?
B: Fine
A: what’s new?
B: Nothing nothing at all. We can only talk about the bride and wedding so nothing about me or my life. How are you?
A: Fine, nothing I can say from my side.

Good solid social chat of close people at a wedding.

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Exactly. Well stated.

Tbrh · 24/04/2025 21:47

If you mean announce in a speech then YANBU, although does it really matter? If you mean you don't want her to tell other people then you're being a bit ridiculous. Surely all her friends will know by now anyway?

PinkyFlamingo · 24/04/2025 21:51

You must either be very insecure or narcissistic if you think someone telling friends they were engaged at your wedding would make "the day not about you", you are the bride FFS!

Changedusernameforthis2 · 24/04/2025 22:20

Get a bloody grip. There's enough good news and love to go around for everyone..regardless of what day its on

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2025 00:50

It would be totally unreasonable to expect her to keep it secret. It's your big day not your entire decade

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2025 00:51

outerspacepotato · 24/04/2025 19:38

Where I am, making big announcements like engagement or pregnancy at someone else's wedding is seen as rude and hijacking the party and stealing the wedding couple's thunder.

They can have their own party if they want.

Is a pregnant person meant to hide their bump or an egaged person meant to not wear their ring?

SallyDraperGetInHere · 25/04/2025 00:56

There’s an old irish song
’ive often heard it said by my father and my mother
that the going to a wedding is the making of another’

If you’re planning a speech yourself, you could quote this and say how pleased you are that x and y will be following you down the aisle (cue applause), so you remain in charge of the news but they get their moment of attention.

Iwannakeepondancing · 25/04/2025 10:57

Herewegoagain84 · 24/04/2025 20:07

Yet part of life? Other people exist? How is it unnecessary? If the news hasn’t reached certain people then of course it will be shared. Or should the bride and groom list safe topics for guests to discuss that ensure not an ounce of attention is placed elsewhere?! Would love to know what’s off limits - a new job? Relocating? Having a baby? Weddings are a celebration of people and family and future. Get a grip.

Show quote history

Not sure you got what I mean!

I mean as an announcement it seems unnecessary at someone else’s wedding but to tell people when she’s there that’s fine!

Pearl87 · 25/04/2025 15:10

I think when brides are in the midst of wedding planning, it can seem so all-consuming that they end up thinking everyone else will be just as invested in it as they are. They think that throughout the day, people will be discussing the wedding in great detail - analysing the dress, the vows, the speeches, the decor, the choice of music and so on.

In reality, that's not what happens. Wedding guests mostly ask each other about their jobs, their kids, etc.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2025 17:54

Bridzilla isn’t coming back

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 25/04/2025 18:02

Weddings are a load of balony.

laraitopbanana · 25/04/2025 18:34

Are you not doing any bridesmaids stuff before the wedding? Surely, she will have time to break her news…and no, you can’t tell her to not say it.

honestly, it is a « happy day » and she won’t steal your light anyway.

ForPlumReader · 25/04/2025 18:36

Why does it make any difference if other people are excited and happy about other things besides your big day? The guest are attending because they are happy for you and want to share in your excitement. Pity you seem to be reluctant to extend that courtesy to others. You are being ridiculous.

Jumpers4goalposts · 25/04/2025 18:44

What do you want her to do? Take her engagement ring off?

MarvellousMonsters · 25/04/2025 19:22

A lot of people on this thread clearly have a different understanding of ‘announce’ to me. As far as I’m concerned announcing her engagement means over a microphone to everyone, and to me that’s out of order. If she wants to tell people one to one that’s fine. Surely by next month she’ll have told most people anyway?

naffusername · 25/04/2025 19:30

My bridesmaid did this at my wedding 40 years ago. Waited until the late buffet was served and we were out of the door.

My Mum told me about it and she's still not over it. The way it was timed and announced it looked like she had provided the buffet.

No heads up, no do you mind.

Cheeky mare.

4kids2cats · 25/04/2025 19:52

I think this could be an opportunity for a very cute bouquet toss!

August1980 · 25/04/2025 20:34

ICanTellYouMissMe · 24/04/2025 16:28

Nah, you absolutely cannot tell her what she can talk to her mates about while she’s spending an entire day with them, you loon 😁

just made me lol

TheHerboriste · 25/04/2025 22:41

ForPlumReader · 25/04/2025 18:36

Why does it make any difference if other people are excited and happy about other things besides your big day? The guest are attending because they are happy for you and want to share in your excitement. Pity you seem to be reluctant to extend that courtesy to others. You are being ridiculous.

Well said.

I can’t stand that sort of immature stinginess.

naffusername · 25/04/2025 23:20

Livelovebehappy · 24/04/2025 21:37

If she’s wearing an engagement ring people are going to notice and comment anyway. You can’t tell her to hide the ring or remove it.

That's not a problem. My bridesmaid actually made a speech announcement of her engagement!

Atsocta · 25/04/2025 23:33

It’s your day about you and your partner, not hers, she should arrange her own function and not gatecrash yours …