Page 30 | Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

springisspringing1 · 2025-04-24T12:57:06+00:00

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:01

Helen483 · 25/04/2025 23:17

Thank you.
And I also object to the poster's use of the word "cunt" to describe an abusive man - I can't think of anything LESS appropriate!

Show quote history

Hi @Helen483 👋
Thank you so much for your kind and considered reply. In all honesty I was prepping myself for some wild responses about being too sensitive or whatever (from other posters, not just you) so your response is very well received. And thank you for the apology. I can see that it is obviously a difficult, emotion-filled subject for you and understand why you wrote what you did. I didn't point it out to make you feel bad about it, I just did it because I found the comment very triggering and wanted to try and minimise it triggering someone else.
So again, a very sincere "thank you" for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic experience, too. Sending lots of love to a fellow survivor. 💗

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:07

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:01

Hi @Helen483 👋
Thank you so much for your kind and considered reply. In all honesty I was prepping myself for some wild responses about being too sensitive or whatever (from other posters, not just you) so your response is very well received. And thank you for the apology. I can see that it is obviously a difficult, emotion-filled subject for you and understand why you wrote what you did. I didn't point it out to make you feel bad about it, I just did it because I found the comment very triggering and wanted to try and minimise it triggering someone else.
So again, a very sincere "thank you" for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic experience, too. Sending lots of love to a fellow survivor. 💗

Show quote history

@MusicMakesItAllBetter I responded to the wrong user, I'm sorry! Please see my post above in relation to your apology! 💛

Daughtersandbristolian · 26/04/2025 19:45

Motomum23 · 24/04/2025 14:05

Why does she need to put her feelings aside so a paedophile and his sympathisers can feel comfortable??

Show quote history

Absolutely ! The mother is choosing for him to be in their life - so it’s down to them to understand it’s not other people’s job to make him feel welcome and normalise this behaviour - he is a fucking risk!

HardyCrow · 26/04/2025 20:02

SerafinasGoose · 25/04/2025 19:49

These attitudes are not merely annoying or even contemptible. They are outright dangerous and nothing short of enablement.

All the recommendations upthread to turn the other way, to maintain a culture of silence, to pretend you don't know what even he knows you know, to privilege being nice and polite over uncompromisingly protecting our children, are the reason these men get away with their actions.

This thread right here is a chilling reminder of how and why this culture of enablement exists. It's full of exhortations to maintain that silence; to pretend that this doesn't happen in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary - he's convicted, what more do you need? - all are in-your-face examples of the kind of social attitude that actively aids these men in doing what they do. There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see this particular issue.

No one is suggesting outing him, or vigilantism, or behaving in the usual ways that drive these men underground and make them even more dangerous, as warned against by all the child protection charities. But that coin has a flipside. Silence, pretending it isn't happening, deluding yourself that close supervision is all that's needed to protect your kid, failure to recognise how devious and good at playing the long game these men are: all are equally dangerous. And however well-meaning your motives, this enables abuse.

If you are posting upthread in this vein, you are contributing to this problem.

Show quote history

This. Absolutely this.

Caerulea · 26/04/2025 20:19

SerafinasGoose · 25/04/2025 19:49

These attitudes are not merely annoying or even contemptible. They are outright dangerous and nothing short of enablement.

All the recommendations upthread to turn the other way, to maintain a culture of silence, to pretend you don't know what even he knows you know, to privilege being nice and polite over uncompromisingly protecting our children, are the reason these men get away with their actions.

This thread right here is a chilling reminder of how and why this culture of enablement exists. It's full of exhortations to maintain that silence; to pretend that this doesn't happen in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary - he's convicted, what more do you need? - all are in-your-face examples of the kind of social attitude that actively aids these men in doing what they do. There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see this particular issue.

No one is suggesting outing him, or vigilantism, or behaving in the usual ways that drive these men underground and make them even more dangerous, as warned against by all the child protection charities. But that coin has a flipside. Silence, pretending it isn't happening, deluding yourself that close supervision is all that's needed to protect your kid, failure to recognise how devious and good at playing the long game these men are: all are equally dangerous. And however well-meaning your motives, this enables abuse.

If you are posting upthread in this vein, you are contributing to this problem.

Show quote history

There's a LOT of batshittery on this thread (maybe everyone got bored of defending Prince Andrew) so thank god for this post!!

OP - I agree with pp who have said approach the mum & be direct. You're not being unreasonable & if she's reasonable (which is in question...) then she'll understand.

I had similar with my kids with someone who isn't convicted but who's then-wife (ex-friend) defended him when the police visited - I called them. After that incident she fucked off to another county (in fairness she had to cos her child needed protecting!) & left him here having gotten off scott fucking free. All I could say to my kids was to never ever go near 'that' house. Now they are older I've pointed him out to them so they know his face, but I was terrified of how close he was. Even contacted the school to say my kids could NEVER get in a taxi with him.

Sure - you do never really know who your kids are around in that respect but then sometimes you absolutely do & it would be bellendry of the highest order not to take protective measures!

Thalia31 · 26/04/2025 22:02

I'm disgusted by how many sympathisers there are for this disgusting man and his wife. I'm truly disturbed

Mama2many73 · 26/04/2025 22:23

We run a group where a dad was convicted of a sexual attack on a young woman (19). He initially lied but his story unravelled. His wife and sons have stood by him but mum has been very honest with us.
We had to call the police as a safeguarding check to see where we stood And what we needed to do going forward. There was nothing we could do to stop him coming to the group to see his sons, but we had very robust risk assessment to follow if he was present. Luckily he never showed up as I think it may have been very uncomfortable. If his was a crime against children I'd assume there is some ruling regarding being in the presence/contacting under 18s. Not sure how you would find that out though.
You have the awareness that he could be a risk so you can be vigilant if he is about.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 26/04/2025 23:16

Assuming you have your facts right I couldn't cope with this either. I just wouldn't want a known pedophile in the same room as my child - totally fair enough. I think I would just avoid the birthday parties where he could be there tbh....

Im not sure how you avoid encountering him at events such as the nativity, sports day etc. do the school allow him to attend such events? I'd have thought that would be a potential safeguarding issue?

Firethehorse · 27/04/2025 04:41

My heart goes out to all of the victims who have posted or just read this thread.
Best advice I’ve read here is to always put the safety of your own children first, don’t let a known sex offender anywhere near your child, keep a watchful eye on everyone and start talking about safety issues early.
Whilst at a prestigious International School outside of the UK, a fellow parent found out there was a father in her child’s class who was convicted of making and distributing v serious level child sexual abuse videos. She tried to make school let other parents know but was called in and warned she was being unfair to the child. Of course she discreetly let us know thank goodness.
In the same Country we were warned off taking our children to a certain shopping mall with a lovely play area - because it was a known area for poor people to be recruited to take photos and videos of the children which were then passed onto paedophiles. I had never heard of such a thing before but thank goodness there were sensible fellow mums helping to educate and keep us safe.
I am sceptical of some of the posters on this thread being actual female parents.

Surgz · 27/04/2025 09:14

Thank god for this response. I thought i was going mad!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 27/04/2025 09:17

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:07

@MusicMakesItAllBetter I responded to the wrong user, I'm sorry! Please see my post above in relation to your apology! 💛

Show quote history

No worries darling xx

Simonjt · 27/04/2025 09:19

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 26/04/2025 23:16

Assuming you have your facts right I couldn't cope with this either. I just wouldn't want a known pedophile in the same room as my child - totally fair enough. I think I would just avoid the birthday parties where he could be there tbh....

Im not sure how you avoid encountering him at events such as the nativity, sports day etc. do the school allow him to attend such events? I'd have thought that would be a potential safeguarding issue?

Its odd isn’t it how many posters are actually very keen for their children to be in a room with a peadophile.

PineappleChicken · 27/04/2025 09:33

Once a paedophile, always a paedophile. They cannot be rehabilitated, and they certainly should not be integrated into a community with children. They do not deserve ANY sympathy or pandering to. He is still a paedophile. He’ll just be more careful not to get caught now. The partner is disgusting to be maintaining a close relationship.

Birdcloud · 27/04/2025 09:41

LadysSmock · 24/04/2025 14:13

Because Mummy decided to keep this man around and try and reintegrate him into the community.

Sorry, but for me that man is a risk. I wouldn’t punish the child but it’s the child’s parents who are doing this to their child. The child’s mother needs to sort out her priorities.

Show quote history

In Britain from my knowledge, if a man is on the sex offender register it is illegal for him to approach children.

AmIEnough · 27/04/2025 09:44

All these people who are telling you you are overreacting I think are misguided in their opinions. Everybody is entitled to feel how they wish to feel and if you don’t feel comfortable with this man being in the presence of your child then you are absolutely within your rights to either speak to the mother and insist that she brings their son or daughter to your party or you exclude the child completely. At the end of the day you have to go with your gut on this and I have gone against my gut feeling so many times in my life and regretted it later. Listen to your gut The other child’s happiness is not your responsibility but the safety and well-being of your own child definitely is!

AmIEnough · 27/04/2025 09:45

2024onwardsandup · 24/04/2025 14:11

I’d tell the child’s mother that the child
is very welcome but that the father shouldn’t come anywhere fucking near your child or your house

id also ask the school to disclose to the extent to can its policy and approach where a parent at the school is a registered sex offender

Absolutely this!

sashh · 27/04/2025 11:52

ByDenimPombear · 24/04/2025 14:10

I'm surprised by how many posters are so easy going about allowing their children to become acquaintances with sex offenders.

My child would never go to a party where he was at. And I'd tell the mother that he's not allowed in my home. I'd also ring the police and confirm he's even allowed to attend these kind of functions.

It's awful for the child but it's his mother's fault for trying to smooth over his father's sex offences to the rest of the community.

Children rarely wander off with strangers, but someone they kind of know? Dave's Dad I met before, he's safe. He's Dave's Dad.

You don't know if it is the mother's fault.

If mother is with dad then yes you could say that, but the OP doesn't know.

If a court has ordered the contact arrangements then then what could mum do?

Personally I think, "At least I know". Lots and lots of men do this kind of thing, and by that phrasing I am not minimising how bad it is.

It's a hard one OP How did you find out?

HardyCrow · 27/04/2025 14:46

saraclara · 24/04/2025 14:03

I'm sorry but that's an overreaction.

He did an awful thing, but your child is not at risk from him because he won't be alone with him.

Show quote history

Your totally naive/ridiculous take your pick.

Baublebonkers · 27/04/2025 14:54

Oh my god! what person in their right mind would ever let their child socialise with a paedophile???

BAD, BAD PARENTING.

Donsyb · 27/04/2025 15:30

saraclara · 24/04/2025 14:02

Poor kid. Four years old. "Mummy, why is everyone else in my class invited to Spring minor's party, but not me?"
"Mummy, we invited everyone to my party, so why is no-one coming?"

It’s mummy’s fault if she’s still with him/ keeping a close relationship and letting him be around children.

Donsyb · 27/04/2025 15:31

sashh · 27/04/2025 11:52

You don't know if it is the mother's fault.

If mother is with dad then yes you could say that, but the OP doesn't know.

If a court has ordered the contact arrangements then then what could mum do?

Personally I think, "At least I know". Lots and lots of men do this kind of thing, and by that phrasing I am not minimising how bad it is.

It's a hard one OP How did you find out?

Show quote history

She said they still have a close relationship and the mother is trying to reintegrate him into the community. Isn’t that enough to know?

Donsyb · 27/04/2025 15:33

Birdcloud · 27/04/2025 09:41

In Britain from my knowledge, if a man is on the sex offender register it is illegal for him to approach children.

Show quote history

He’s already broken the law, you think he won’t do it again??

Ilovecleaning · 28/04/2025 17:15

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 24/04/2025 14:05

you need to support opportunities to allow man to be reintegrated

Fuck that, with bells on.

It's not any child's job to be a rehabilitation aid for a fucking paedophile.

100%.
“ You need to support opportunities…” FFS! She can’t be serious! Ok GrannyAchings - offer up your own kids to “help” paedophiles… I doubt you would.

Loudandy75 · 28/04/2025 21:03

No way at all!!! I understand that it's a childs party and if vigilant, will not have any access to your child but that doesn't stop photos being taken.

Audiprettier · 29/04/2025 00:19

Ilovecleaning · 28/04/2025 17:15

100%.
“ You need to support opportunities…” FFS! She can’t be serious! Ok GrannyAchings - offer up your own kids to “help” paedophiles… I doubt you would.

Show quote history

IMO only a man would spout such rubbish !!! 🤬