Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I agree.
To the mum, "I mean no offence to yourself; I'd you could bring child I'd really appreciate it".
If they ask why, "I'm not comfortable with your husband coming to my house".

How the fuck does this evil predator have the choice of being around children and their homes??? I'd invite him down a dark alley way with a baseball bat, and his dopey wife too!

Mumsnet is absolutely mental sometimes. Women are willynilly recommended to leave their husbands for not helping with the dishes, playing video games or making inappropriate jokes but when it comes to inviting stevo the pedo to a 5th birthday party that's absolutely fine because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings! Bonkers

Can't believe I'm reading these replies!
Especially (bitch) saraclara!

Absolutely keep your child away from this (blank!).
Not a cat in hells chance my child would be anywhere in his vicinity. Go with your gut & that says stay away.
Good for you... no good anyone saying AFTER an incident " Well, we didn't think would happen!
Ughhh! 🤬🤮

There might be conditions around what he can / can't do but so what? You don't know what they are, if he is adhering to him - obviously many offenders don't, lots of people breach conditions and reoffend - and you aren't in a position to judge if they are reasonable or not because you don't know his full circumstances.

What you do know is he has a sexual interest in children, looks at children sexually and has deliberately crossed many boundaries already. He's viewed images of children being abused and make efforts to do the same himself. It's not a one off accidental viewing if he's on the register. I don't think paedophilia as a sexuality can be cured, so I would question what has changed. I don't believe rehabilitation works for sexuality. He won't stop fancying children because people are nice to him and invite him bbqs. He might not act on his impulses anymore but I wouldn't want my child near someone who I knew thought like that. You aren't being unreasonable.

YANBU. As a criminal defence solicitor, I would feel exactly the same.
You don’t have to exclude the child but you can absolutely raise your, perfectly correct and reasonable safe guarding concerns about the Father attending.
He’s on the register for a reason and there may be lots you still don’t know.
He may not begin grooming children in front of you at a party but what if he takes his phone out and starts to take photographs without you or the other parents realising. We already know he has been in possession of indecent images so they could easily be shared to the wrong people.
I met many sex offenders in prison, not a single one was interested in rehabilitation because they genuinely do not believe what they are doing is wrong.
Having seen enough, it’s an absolute no for me.

Agreed 💯

You are not overreacting. You have every right to insist that the other parent delivers the child to your party.

These attitudes are not merely annoying or even contemptible. They are outright dangerous and nothing short of enablement.

All the recommendations upthread to turn the other way, to maintain a culture of silence, to pretend you don't know what even he knows you know, to privilege being nice and polite over uncompromisingly protecting our children, are the reason these men get away with their actions.

This thread right here is a chilling reminder of how and why this culture of enablement exists. It's full of exhortations to maintain that silence; to pretend that this doesn't happen in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary - he's convicted, what more do you need? - all are in-your-face examples of the kind of social attitude that actively aids these men in doing what they do. There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see this particular issue.

No one is suggesting outing him, or vigilantism, or behaving in the usual ways that drive these men underground and make them even more dangerous, as warned against by all the child protection charities. But that coin has a flipside. Silence, pretending it isn't happening, deluding yourself that close supervision is all that's needed to protect your kid, failure to recognise how devious and good at playing the long game these men are: all are equally dangerous. And however well-meaning your motives, this enables abuse.

If you are posting upthread in this vein, you are contributing to this problem.

I think this is clearly the way forward op.
You have been so measured and thoughtful in what is a very difficult situation - you have my admiration.
I don't have any more advice to give, but I wish you good luck with it all.

This is going to either sound harsh or siding either way the abuser. He is an abuser that has been caught. How many other men are doing the same or similar that haven’t been caught? Some who may be at children’s parties, outside school gates,in choirs, anywhere where kids are together.
Everyone will be watching the one who’s been caught, watch the others who might slip under your radar.

All children are at risk from him. He is a paedophile ffs. It’s not just the children of ‘careless’ parents who are sexually abused.

The child’s mother is an idiot. Have nothing do with the family and don’t attend or invite them to anything out of school. It’s not the child’s fault that they have this situation of course so I wouldn’t be rude to them or stop your child playing with them in school but their upset about party attendance is not worth the risk to other children of being near this criminal. If the paedophile attends school or other events where the children are, I would be letting the other adults know if they aren’t already.

I'm sorry - I can't hear that. I don't disagree one iota with what you say about the protection of our children - sometimes sadly at the expense of other people's when they make terrible choices which are not in those children's best interests. But misogynistic, ad hominen attacks undermine your point. Sara's earlier posts seemed borne out of concern for that child, albeit I oppose her view: we can't be responsible for others' children, and my only priority in this case would be to ensure that mine went nowhere near this man.

But this position was based on concern for the child rather than adopting a 'paedophiles deserve rehabilitation and it's fine to use kids as stalking horses' approach as seen upthread - albeit the risks may be similar - and is coming from a good place. She in no way deserves to be called that.

Random question here. How old was the child he was grooming? 15 or younger?
only asking could it have been where he was involved with a 15 pr 16 year old- still a child just not as young as 4?

there was a thread yesterday about a 15 year old intentionally getting pregnant so they aren’t as naive as we think that age… either way he would be put the offenders register. The wife knows more so is probably best to decide what he can and can’t do.

It's not a witch-hunt to think a man convicted of grooming a child shouldn't be allowed further opportunities to become a friendly face to other children.

YANBU. Groomers do so in plain sight.

Do you know the terms of his registration? It's usually public.

You do not allow that man in the same room as your child. He can drop his child at the door of the party, but no further. And I wouldn't allow my child at a party where he is present, regardless of whether I am or not. At 4 it's very likely pate stay, so him bringing his child likely means he'll stay.

I'd be clear with mum that child is welcome with HER but not with dad.

As an aside, I also wouldn't allow my child in her care, her judgement is shit (for wanting him reintegrated and for maintaining a clearly positive and close relationship).

Forgive me, but a 15 year old seeking to get pregnant is the epitome of naivety.

Let's not fall into the vomit-inducing 'teenage temptress' gambit, please.

We are talking about an unambiguously grown up man grooming an underage child and accessing images of child sexual abuse.

Also, abdicating your own judgement and parental responsibility to keep your children safe to the random wife of a child sex offender (who, if she remains in a relationship with him, has at the very least shown an abysmal lack of judgement) is one of the more ridiculous musings I've read on this thread.

What would your response be if the worst happened? "Oh, but Mrs Paedophile's Wife assured me it would be OK..."?

Your children are your responsibility. For the love of God, I wish some posters would stop being so afraid of being the "bad guy" and the faint possibly of ruffling some feathers in protection of them! Have some backbone!

The kids mother should have no contact with this man. What on earth is she playing at. In fact , she needs looking into for factillataing this madness. She is making this impossible for everyone. Get rid of the sex offender. Simple.

No, no and no again. Attending a childs party represents so mqny opportunities

1. Potential to groom other parents.
2. Taking child to the loo, or somewhere qyieter.
3. Taking photos or videos of any children for distributing to other peados as wank fodder.
4. Paedophiles are good at playing the long game, he is unlikley to do anything unless an easy opportunity presents, just by being there signals an acceptance and lowering of safeguards/boundaries.

Poor kid though.

His wife has demonstrated her poor judgement already. Her actions in wanting a convicted sex offender anywhere near her, her child or yours is mind boggling. I don't care if he groomed a 15 year and 11 month old , or a 4 year old. Both horrendous.

I'd maybe speak to the school. And id tell the mother politely but straight that he wasn't welcome at my home/kids party it would need to be her and I would ask if he'd be present before considering taking mine to hers.

It isn't her fault he's a predator but it is her fault if she inadvertently or otherwise facilitates his access to potential victims.

Agreed.

The predator that I mentioned upthread came across as being a lovely chap. Quite short, youthful face - childlike even.

Always willing to help out a neighbour.

When his final set of convictions was reported in the local press, it was clear to anyone local that the victims were his stepdaughters and the child that one of them had borne at the age of 16, after her mother had died.

I’m amazed by how many people would be ok with this man being in the vicinity of their children. Could Sarah’s law be accessed in this case to find out any restrictions the man has?
regardless of what his restrictions are, I wouldn’t allow him anywhere near my child, if his eyes even wandered in her direction, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back.

Woah, woah, woah. Your second paragraph suggests that some of the blame for that 15 year old lies with her??!! Epitome of victim blaming! Naivety doesn't even come in to it. I'm gobsmacked!