Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I completely and utterly understand your anger and disdain, but in the future please try and consider what impact and consequences your graphic description/words could have on many of us SA survivors. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I think the comment about his daughter's mouth is incredibly, incredibly triggering.

You’re totally reasonable in not wanting a child sex offender at a children’s party. I would be open with the mother and say you’d love the child to come provided it’s her not the father bringing him because you don’t feel comfortable with the father.

How did you find out about him? Was it common knowledge because it’s a small town? I only ask out of curiosity because I don’t know where you get the information

It was reported on by news

It sounds like the mother is facilitating her sex offender husband to mix with other children.

if this was my husband I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my child let alone other vulnerable children.

As a victim myself I would be very concerned about someone who was trying to ‘reintegrate’.

Isn’t it I just don’t get these people.
To be honest I wouldn’t even invite the kid. No it’s not his fault but I wouldn’t want either parent at my door. They’re both scum so let them be the ones feeling sorry for their kid and making up to him for what the dad is.
Sounds harsh but where pedos are concerned I don’t care and the whole family would be kept away.

Probable infiltrators!
...such a shame!

While it’s not the child’s fault, children look to their parents to see who is safe. I wouldn’t want my child to see me engaging with this person as they’ll assume they are a friend. Then should they ever be left alone with them (things happen no matter how careful), the child can be at risk.

If it comes down to upsetting someone else vs protecting my child, my child wins every time.

@MusicMakesItAllBetter Purely because I try to have the courage of my convictions, (and because I don’t want you to blame @greeenscreeen) I’ve reported your post. There are people here who have gone through some horrific things, the same things that your cousin went through. I’m sure it wasn’t your intention to upset anyone, but that description was painful to read. I see your anger. But this is not the place for something so graphic.

Also, and to anyone else who uses the term CP, please, please stop it. It’s almost universal known as images of CSA now because pornography implies consent and because child abuse is not another genre of pornography. It’s very offensive and very hurtful to people who have got enough crap to be dealing with, without having to hear or read that phrase as well.

Thank you.
And I also object to the poster's use of the word "cunt" to describe an abusive man - I can't think of anything LESS appropriate!

Imo Once a nonce, always a nonce. Just because his wrist has been slapped and his names on the register doesn’t change his preferences.

id take child to the parties but stay and watch proceedings like a bloody hawk to protect all kids not just mine.

wtf has the mum had kids knowingly with a paedo?!

No child should be left alone with any adult you hardly know …full stop!

It isn't her fault he's a predator but it is her fault if she inadvertently or otherwise facilitates his access to potential victims.

So true. How could any mentally balanced mother live with a man who wants to have sex with children? Especially when she has children in tje house.

As I said earlier, she is complicit.

I'm sick to death of these weak women who won't do the right thing! (This excludeds most DV cases).

Why would you put a pedo before the needs of your children and their peers. Pedo can still visit kids (supervised). And, when older, mum can explain.

But, no, she is selfish and purely thinking of her own 'happiness'

I'm beginning to think that the reason there are so many shitty men is because of shitty mother's 'raising' them.

It beggars belief!

Christ on a bike - and that’s from the Police??

Who is protecting who here and what’s happened to crime prevention?

Unless of course they were still in process and had not been convicted.

Always a possibility…..

Astonishing ignorance on display, here. Many children have been molested by men with other people in the room. Getting away with it is part of the thrill.

Even then, many wondered: How could the parents of these girls have been in the room while Larry abused their child – and not know it was happening?

https://www.npr.org/2018/11/20/669669746/the-parents

I am amazed how many people are so breezy about someone convicted and on the register being around their child. Yes, you don't know what other people are capable of but you do know what he is capable of. If you were to invite his child to a party - I would include - mum only to do drop off /pick up etc. She can be as keen as she likes for him to be re integrated - doesn't mean you have to go along with it. If she doesn't like that - then she has the option to not attend.

I recommend everyone read “The Gift of Fear” and “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin De Becker.

I would talk to the mom and be very blunt. Something like:

”I don’t want to be unkind to you or your DC, but I’m aware of DC’s father’s conviction. I will not allow him in my home or around my child. Your DC is lovely and I want to include them, but you must be the one to accompany them. Also, we are happy to get together for play dates, but won’t go to your home.”

Protecting your DC is more important than not hurting her/her DC’s feelings. You need to advocate for your child. She will need to be responsible for doing what is best for her child. If at any point you become uncomfortable with her too, don’t be afraid to stop socializing with her. She may very well be an enabler and they are just as unsafe as the predators.

That is so gross she should know better! I’m sure you aren’t allowed around children after being on the register please report and to SS, the school. Major safeguarding concerns the mother could even be an enabler

I am truly genuinely sorry. I think you can tell this is a subject I feel very strongly about and when writing out my response, I didn't think of the impact it could have one SA survivors and I absolutely 100% am so sorry that I wrote such explicit details.

Last thing I want is to trigger anyone who has lived that trauma xx

My son was groomed online and I discovered him watching adult live interactive shit.
The police didn't even take my Chromebook to check the history/harddrive.
Said that because we 'deleted' it
(we closed the tab it was open on, didn't actually 'delete' anything) there was nothing they could do.

DISGRACE!!!

But what about in years to come when her child is walking from school or out playing and friends dad calls him over or offers lift home or what ever, the child will think oh that's jonnys dad his ok....how do you think these people manage to groom? It's by getting to know the kids. I would just ask the partner of man on list to do the pick ups and drop offs and explain you dont want said man around your child. I don't think that's unreasonable.

That's on the mum then for picking the father over the child in effect

No one needs to support this. It isn't anyone else's problem

Forgive, if this has already been said, but I'm not about to scroll all 30 pages.

This isn't your sole concern or problem.

If as you say, his situation is known, in public, then many other parents will be concerned. You could find children are withheld from your party. There may be physical action, if other parents find him present.
You could even be considered unduly forgiving, condoning his behaviour.
This clearly isn't the case, but hatred of paedophilia is very much knee jerk, without the significant thought you bring to this affair.

I couldn't have worded that better, @Ivymom.