To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

What a bitter nightmare of a woman this ex is! You have the patience of a saint, OP!

I can completely understand why you have tried to be conciliatory until now to keep/restore peace. But its clearly not making any difference, so my stance takes that into account...

• Access - glad to hear you are considering a court order to stop this - there are 10 more years for her to play silly buggers.
• Parental alienation - sounds like you have explored this and it's tricky to challenge but it must be very hard to deal with. Shame you can't include it in the court order.
• Rudeness and lies from DSC - you and DH need to call this out every single time. It ends now. Totally unacceptable.
• CMS - in these circs, DH should pay the basic CMS and then half of uniform, ideally buy some of the items himself rather than handing over money.
• Extras - great that you are blocking and ignoring. IF DH wants or has to contribute to something then he should buy it once she has sent her half. No more money going to her for unevidenced purchases.
• Trips - Stop paying completely. Drop the ball. If DH wants to pay half he can pay half to the school direct.
• Violin and football classes - this is so generous of you. I think a conversation needs to had with both DSC and you/DH to explain that you are happy to keep paying for these, as you know how great they both are at these skills, and in return they both need to think about how they speak to you and DH and remember their manners. This reminds them that you are funding the things they love and that there is a link to how they behave.

Good luck. Mostly I think you are doing brilliantly. Hang in there...

And? I don't think kids like this are worth the drama or money.

OP can have a good pleasant relationship with them without all this.

Because as I said in previous messages, she’s really manipulative and would wind up DH by threatening to withhold access, start an argument, then accuse him of being aggressive. She was always more calm with me.

I have said no to her demands on occasion (she recently tried to get us to pay for bikes to keep at her house! They already have bikes at ours).

I am stepping right back now though. DH will get a contact order and I have blocked her. We have agreed a joint approach to dealing with SC being rude or parroting.

There we have what?

They are OP's stepchildren, not her children.

Completely, utterly different relationship. Just ask the bio mum.

I'll preach this until I'm blue in the face... Blossomtoes is spot on.

Why are you paying ANYTHING towards children that aren't yours?

It sounds like you already do far more for them than would be reasonably expected. The extra (excluding sport or music which you’ve said you are happy to continue) are things the mother should be paying for. You are in effect subsidising her already affluent life. I would step back and let their parents take responsibility. I don’t see it as taking things out on the children, they will still get what they need, but you won’t be the one footing the bill.

Because they’re part of my family too and I’ve been in their lives for a long time, and always will be as their dad and I have a child together now.

Looking long-term, when our little one is older, I want him to have extra-curricular activities if he wants and I don’t want SC to resent him for having opportunities they didn’t get.

Going against the grain. Stop paying. Just pay what you want and she can pay for the rest. People need to learn that being mean doesn’t get rewarded. The kids won’t do without, she will just have to pay for it. As if she won’t buy her own kids uniform or cover trips.

It's called "setting the scene". HTH

I'd be seriously tempted to do that, but it could get the SCs in trouble for blabbing.

Total piss take! Why should you ever be paying for this?

Just to give an alternative perspective (and a story of hope!). Your SDCs can still grow up and see the light without you having to eat shit in resentful silence all through their childhood.

I have a SC who is now an adult. When they were younger, their mum was a piss taking nightmare (not financially, but in many other ways) and DH wanted me to put up and shut up for the sake of keeping the peace.

No way. I detached completely and put it all on DH. Caused massive, near marriage-ending rows, but I stuck to my guns. His ex's nonsense was not my problem and I refused to be a human shield for it. I would rather have had those arguments than seethe resentfully in silence while I got taken for an utter mug.

Turns out that my adult SC now sees their mother for who she is and now says all the same things about her that I used to say to DH - except DH now has to listen instead of invalidating me or minimising.

What SC grew up witnessing was me refusing to be a doormat and modelling good boundaries for myself. They are now actually following in my footsteps in my career field and we have a great relationship. And I didn't have to take any crap from the ex in order to get it.

My step mum was always a high earner. I can’t imagine my mum contacting her for money directly, she would always speak to my dad. My dad would take me shopping for uniform/pay for music lessons/trips etc and I was aware he did that. No one would expect SM to cough up. I think she’s very cheeky OP.

Your DH seriously needs to explain to them what he pays for on top of direct CMS to mum. Without it, they wouldn't have X, Y, Z etc (violin, football, school trips, etc).

Yeah. I’ve felt sorry for her in the past but now she is just taking the piss. To be honest she’s a piss-taker in every way but it seems to be financially paying off for her at the moment.

DH has very little time for her and won’t be racing to pay anything he doesn’t need to. We pay for absolutely everything they need in our house, we support their expensive hobbies and DH pays CMS… I won’t have any qualms about that being our contribution when SC are adults.

Friend of mine in same boat simply left bank statements and receipts lying about on her desk - step kids were nosey and of course looked. Once they discovered their step mum & dad were actually footing the ski trip, the dance and riding lessons, the sports equipment, as well as funding the maintenance (which was actually above CMS amount) etc the repetition of what mum said about not paying for anything just stopped completely.
You need to take the kids yourself to get the trainers/coats, or order them online so they arrive new at yours & addressed to you. Rather than send ££ to the mum so mum makes out she is the spender. The kids will soon realise you're the ones paying not their mum.

Why are you asking then? What’s your Aibu?
obviously it’s your money. No one can tell you how to spend it. YABU for engaging in a row with your partners ex and using money for the kids as a tool to make your point.

YABU because why are you paying anything at all for someone else's children? Just stop it all. They are your husband and husband ex-wife's responsibility.

She’s pretty brass necked. She’s the only one of the 4 of you not working but wants you to give her kids a second set of bikes so they have toys at her house. Plus thinks it’s ok to ask you for £150 for shoes and trainers.

I know she has another small child but presumably her mat leave is over. What does she provide for for her own kids? Presumably step dad pays some housing and utilities, dad’s CM pays food and rest of housing, utilities, clothes and you pay extras like the music and sports lessons, bikes, holidays with you, school trips etc. She has no income but seems to have nothing to pay for.

Draw a firm line in the sand together with your DH re what your household will pay for for the kids before the new baby arrives.

Not always.

My BFF put her life on hold to raise her son single-handedly after her exH walked away from their son when he was about 6. She never told him the truth (that he was a deadbeat) nor spoke a nasty word about him.

He waltzed back into their son's life when he turned 19 with tales of woe and of her 'refusal' to let him see him, all lies. Their son bought it hook, line, and sinker. Her pain was palpable.

Although their father/son relationship has soured a bit, he's still in contact with his dad. And it still hurts her but she keeps her mouth shut.

Next time she emails costs reply saying ‘I’m not obliged to pay these expenses and I am no longer willing to. The reason for this is that the children pass on your insults about me and I’m frankly over subsiding your lifestyle at the expense of my own while being bad mouthed in and out of my own home. CMS payments will continue along with my covering violin lessons. Please do not contact me about this again, DH should be contact for any issues regarding the children.’

then block her on everything and forget she exists.

@Kitchi Normally your DH just has to pay CMS- anything else is just a bonus. You really do need everything formalised by the court since you're dealing with an unhinged woman. Good on you for putting a stop to this circus. Remember : everything that you pay (and that she should and could be paying for) is money you take away from your child.

Yeah this is how I’ve been feeling this week. I’d never see SC go without what they need, but when they waltz in saying “Mummy’s got a new phone AND a new car AND she’s in Tenerife this week” it doesn’t seem quite right that she’s hitting me up to pay for a second set of bikes.

Her partner does a lot of cash in hand work, she has a dubious self-employed business and I’m pretty sure a lot of her wealth is benefits and unsecured debt, but that’s not really relevant. She can afford their basics.

Don’t give her the moral high ground.