To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

Her kids. And there we have it.

This is how I feel. She clearly has absolutely no respect for me. I have been a mug. But most of all it’s rubbish for SC because us getting on would be the best outcome for them.

@AnotherNaCha to be fair she is subbing them. Zero chance of me doing that. I don't see why people don't pay for their own children. The ex and the husband to a degree are cheeky fuckers

What you are proposing seems fair. But have the conversation with the ex. (DH or you). Yes you are right. We are poor. We can only afford the CMS and the sports/music. Thanks for realising this and from now on you can do trips and uniforms and we will do the rest. Thanks for pointing this out to the children. They will be so relieved they won't suffer because you will be picking up those bills.

Yes - her kids and his kids but not the OP's kids.

Err this. She can get a job and pay for her own children rather than other people. My children are way younger than her and l have chronic health issues but still work pretty much full time

@Withoutfearorfavour They are her kids, Hers and their Dad’s.

The OP doesn’t have PR for them and she isn’t financially responsible for them, is she?
Anything that she personally pays for is a gift to the children, not fulfilling a responsibility. Just as it would be from a grandparent, aunt, uncle, godparent, etc.

My DH and I are financially responsible for our children, no one else is. 🤷

What a horrible situation to be in.
In your shoes, I would start by handing over all communication with the ex to your DH. He can be the one who talks to her in future.
Continue to pay for the things you are - the music and other lessons.
I'd suggest that your DH reframes the cost splitting for items above those paid for by CMS as needing to be discussed first.
I'd be tempted in his position to point out that he and you don't bad mouth the kids about her because it would make them unhappy. She might feel resentful but it hurts the kids to be put in the middle.

Stop paying the extras, pay her CMS level. And then when the SC are at yours, you can buy them clothes, etc. You can also then ask if they want to do x or y club and sign them up when they can see it is you making the payment.

(DH took this approach when it turned out his ex was claiming everything was from her)

I’d think about actually taking the children to buy the uniforms, that way they see who is paying. Whether that’s you or their father (or both).

I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of it, or the enjoyment of the conflict. Just going to block her. If she contacts DH, he will say no.

She’s not going to struggle to cover these payments but she’ll realise why not to bite the hand that feeds you.

I should say SC are aware I pay for the tuition because I take them to lessons and arrange everything (and their mum is quite critical of it all).

Often she’ll email me to say something like “kids needed new trainers and coats so I need you to transfer me £150 to cover it” and I do. In the past the amounts were lower, but they are growing up. I do think she inflates the costs but it felt worthwhile to pay for a decent relationship and not being messed around with contact.

Now I think we’ll be going for a court order to formalise access as I expect she’ll retaliate that way.

I completely agree with you blocking her and refusing to cover more costs.

if it was me though, I would be sending her one last email saying you have tried your best to maintain a civil relationship with her, you have covered additional costs that weren’t yours to cover but due to her continuous alienation of you and your DH through her lies and bad mouthing, you will no longer be communication with her and are now blocking her. You’ll continue to pay for violin and football but anything other than that is between her and your DH. At least then you have a record in writing for the time when court comes around as well.

I think saying this the satisfaction will be yours as you will see her face as the penny drops and she realises she has shot herself in the foot with her silly spiteful games.

Can you and DH not respond “okay that’s fine we will take kids shopping on our weekend, then no need to send cash and receipts. Thanks.”

Kids school trip coming up “Thanks Suzie, no problem. DH will contact teacher to make arrangements for payment.”

The thing is, I can’t prove that she’s saying these things and she will turn it around on me and say it’s the children’s views and I’m punishing them for their honesty, and not allowing them to speak freely which damages their mental health. She has an answer for everything. I feel like grey rock is the best way to go.

I think a final email to set your stall out is a great idea. That way she can't plead ignorance. Well, she probably will do but you tried

Big no to whoever suggested the financial transparency with the ex. It's NONE of her business!

This. We pay far over and above our fair share for DSD including maintenance despite CMA
saying zero due and not contesting child benefit despite having 50:50. She doesn’t understand this at 9. I never plan on saying a word. What she understands at 19 and 29 will be different.

Often she’ll email me to say something like “kids needed new trainers and coats so I need you to transfer me £150 to cover it”

This is outrageous. If you want them to have the coats, you/DH take them out so they can see you buying them. The gall to ask for extra cash like this is outrageous.

At the point when my late husband's ex was supposedly getting on better with us, she asked whether we had funeral plans in place. (We had taken her out for a meal.) I can't remember my precise response - I think I said that we had enough money to cover it.

DH didn't hear - he was quite deaf by then.

Then she wanted to know how much money I thought we'd get for our old house. I went temporarily deaf myself.

@Kitchi I think this approach is wise. You’re not heir parent, you don’t have parental responsibility for them nor any rights.

Going forward, their parents can sort everything out between them.

Don’t do as previous posters have suggested and rely on karma and the passage of time to open the children’s eyes. The cognitive dissonance created by their mum’s lies and actual evidence provided by their father will be scary for the SC, rather than illuminating. If they admit to themselves that she is lying about who pays for what, what else is she lying about and how can they rely on her?

It seems crazy that both of the SC’s parents expect you to be paying over the odds for the SC while also working to provide for your own children and getting slagged off by all and sundry.

You’ve got a couple of options - either formalise arrangements via solicitors/ court, or stop just responding to Ex’s payment demands. She can’t tell the children that you’ve stopped paying, as that will prove her previous lies. Obviously DH must pay CMS, and if your household can continue to pay for and arrange sports and music then that will be hugely beneficial for the children.

@WearyAuldWumman strategic deafness can be very useful! Can't believe the cheeky baggage asked that

She emails you to pay?
She should be emailing her ex, not you.
You are taking on the burden of dealing with her and paying her.
Why?
That is his job.
It's his ex that he should be co parenting with.
Step back.
When he's bearing the full brunt of his responsibilities which you are currently shouldering, he might find himself able to do more to sort it out.

Hi OP, Can you personally pay for these costs yourself? Direct to the provider for the lessons/clubs and buy uniform directly when they're with you?

Maybe her partner is paying for the hols but won't pay for the stuff for the kids... (I know that's blurry but different couples handle finances in very different ways...)