Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Why not go back to work now? It's not complusary to take a full maternity leave off. My DD had enough after 4 months and returned to work at 4.5 months. Began to feel human again after that

OP, does your DH work for an airline with multiple uk bases? Mine is at the “orange” one and they are very open to base transfers and flexible working because they want to retain pilots wherever they can. Could you propose moving somewhere where you would get family support? Also it gets a lot easier once they get their command and become a captain, it opens more options for flexibility. Where is he in his career?

I really understand how you feel, but I had talking therapy a while back and the therapist asked me if I would rather DH do a 9-5 job. I answered no, and therapist said well there you go so you need to find a path to acceptance. I couldn’t ask DH to stop when he loves his job, and he was totally broken by being furloughed and lockdown stopping him working. I promise this is the hardest part when they are very little, but it gets easier when you can go to more places and get out. You just need to figure out your routine just you and DC x

My husband isn’t a pilot, but he does work shifts, and I don’t think either of us understood how much it would affect our lives once we had a child.

What worked for us is him dropping to a 50% contract so he was around more, as well as paying for a cleaner, and longer nursery days. It sounds extreme, but it was the only way to get things to work for us as a family.

If you pose the question to him, what does he suggest? (Other than Dubai, which doesn’t sound like it would work for you or your career)

Having spent many many months on Dubai and Abu Dhabi, as well as other ME countries, I would 100% choose divorce over living there.

@FedupofArsenalgame I had to go back to work at 6 months (I don't live in the UK and it's all I get in terms of leave) and it's horrific. I've gone to having ZERO time to myself. Any spare second is used pumping milk, sterilising and breastfeeding. I don't even have time to get a haircut. And 6-12 months is prime teething time so even a good sleeper won't sleep well at all. If OP has no help, she'll have to juggle childcare pick ups and drop offs too.

I get that the mortgage is high but just hire a babysitter once in a while. If you can afford a £3500 mortgage, you definitely have £50 lying around. It will help a lot.

There's not enough money in the world that could make me move to Dubai (UAE.) Just no.

OP do you have any friends you can see? Have you joined any baby groups (they're really not as bad as some make out - my kids are in their 40s and I'm still friends with women from there and from school) And at least you can boost each other up and commiserate with the different stages.

Can you take the dog for a walk with the baby? Either a robust buggy or a baby carrier?

It's sitting in alone that's really bad for you

You have "having a baby with a husband who doesn't help". It's pretty bloody awful. I had one. Can you go back to work and baby goes to nursery. I went back to work early as mat leave was tortuous. Definitely don't have more babies (or move to Abu Dhabi!) Some people are just not cut out to be parents to small screamy vomit bags. Once they start to talk I love kids! Mine has been adorable since about 2 (she's now 14 and wonderful). You possibly need to try and get out more with baby but it is relentless. You take them out and they poonami or scream the whole time. Car seats, prams.. oh god, I remember the horror.

If you can get a babysitter for one night a week then do it and find a social group or friends to join. I used "sitters" and it was a god send. One night to be a grown up human without added baby!

As for husband. We limped on until she was 7 and then divorced. The weight of resentment was huge. He said he wanted 50:50 but he never actually did his 50% and now 7 years on he does nothing. Once you feel like this it's really hard to go backwards but co-parenting is a bloody nightmare too. Mine just assumed anytime he couldn't take DD that I'd have her, never asked, I was still default parent.

Read the most recent update. He helps plenty. The issue is OP’s PND and the fact that she has a particularly clingy baby who only wants her.

What you’re describing @Klaudea is how I felt when I had PND (followed by ante natal depression …).
The feeling of complete overwhelm, the wanting to just get away, dreaming of being separated/away from it all. That’s the depression talking.

Now it doesn’t mean it’s trivial! Or ‘just’ depression. These are very real and horrible feelings. It means you want to tackle them in a different way.

I agree about revisiting how you’re feeling with your psychiatrist and/or GP.
id double check too that how you’re feeling isn’t a side effect of some medication - my PND was certainly made worse by the pill (which ALSO made me depressed).
And I would get as much time on your own wo baby as possible. And that means your dh stepping up even if baby prefers to be with you. You could leave baby with your dh whilst you go for a walk. Aim for 10mins and then make it longer. Your baby WILL get used to it. It’s just unusual for them atm. But it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. They will learn. Esp if, as you say, your dh is besotted with them.

This made me laugh because I am a solid Cotswolds girl who lives in Abu Dhabi 🤣 I really love both places, you take them how they are and make the most of where you are.

I love my life here but I agree with other posters that a UAE move is a red herring. I think you sound like you might have PPD and are really struggling to adapt from child-free life. Babyhood is all-consuming for the mother and I recognise aging ten years in that time. It DOES get better and this stage is temporary but unfortunately you do kind of lose yourself unless you are wealthy enough to outsource a significant amount (night nannies, cleaners etc).

I was back at work at 13 weeks, 4 months and 3 weeks ( SE then) with my lot. Didn't find it horrific at all. My DD enjoyed motherhood a damn sight more once she returned to work.

Maybe you enjoyed your ML. Different case scenario then

A lot of the feelings you are having, I’d say we’ve all had at some point. Especially when baby is still so young and it’s so full on!
A baby flips your life upside down and for some people it takes a while for the massive adjustment to set in.

As for DH being late home? My kids are older now (10, 8 and 5) and I still feel like that 🤷🏻‍♀️😂
If he tells me he’ll be home at 5 but then doesn’t show up until 5:45?
Those 45 minutes are the longest 45 minutes ever to have happened in the history of ever. Because I’ve got it into my head that 5pm will arrive and I’ll have another person to help with the cacophony of “Mum! Muuum! Muuuuuuuum!” while I’m trying to get dinner ready and help with homework and referee child-on-child arguments. Then 5pm comes and I’m still flying solo in the chaos, it feels like it will never end.

I’m by no means saying what you’re feeling isn’t valid, because it is! What I’m saying is that I think every parent feels the same way at some point or another, and the challenging aspects of parenting are an ebb and flow as your child goes through different developmental phases. The phase you are in right now is particularly brutal - your baby isn’t a newborn anymore. He’s realised that he is a separate being from you and you can indeed put him somewhere and walk away. He’s in a massive casserole of cognitive development, growth spurts, physical development - all of which make your job as a parent harder than it was when he was a tiny newborn. These phases of it feeling exceptionally hard will come and go as he grows. Like right now in my house? My 5yo is an absolute dream. She’s the easiest most relaxed child. My 10yo however? In that weird pre-puberty phase where the attitude is like that of the most stubborn donkey you’ve ever met, she knows everything about everything and every parenting decision I make is clearly the most unreasonable thing in the world 🫠 But I know this phase will pass, and a time will arrive where she’s lovely again!

I think a lot of this might be your ppd.

There's nothing to stop you going out & about in the day time, finding a gym with a creche, a baby sitter for an evening out.

None of those need your husband.

I appreciate that you want to spend time together when he is home but I don't think fitting yourself to his schedule is helping you.

Also when he is home, would an hour or so away from him & the baby really matter so much if it would do you good.

Why can’t you just hire a sitter so you can take your book and sandwich to the park? Is it really that complicated?

It’s not necessarily true about captains having more options for flexibility. Also, long haul and short haul likely differ in the way the system works and every airline will no doubt have a slightly different system. All flights need a captain and at least one first officer, so they are not competing with each other for trips and it’s never going to be a case of the captains getting all the best rosters and flexibility options and first officers getting what’s left. A junior captain, only just promoted, may therefore have less flexibility than a senior first officer, depending on how the airline operates its bidding systems and employment arrangements. As for changing airline and moving to Dubai - that’s multiple new systems to get used to all at the same time. Sounds hideous.

@Klaudea - you do not sound in the right mental space to contemplate either divorce or Dubai at the moment, as both are decisions you may well regret in future. Your dh sounds like he is trying to be reasonable within the confines of his job. Is there any way he can take any compassionate leave to be with you for a bit? Or, in a different vein, does he get any staff travel rights with his employment that you could use? Can you join him on his trips at all, or would you find travel with your baby too stressful? I would, in all honesty, continue trying to make your current life more bearable atm, rather than dreaming about divorce or Dubai as long term options. The hideous, lonely, baby stage is time limited - they grow up quickly (in retrospect!).

Sorry I’m assuming you missed the part where I said my DH is a pilot? Don’t be a twat, how you’ve explained it isn’t how it works at every airline so stop patronising me

As many others have said, you are knee deep in the hardest stage. Pretty much everyone has been through this. My first child screamed all night for the first year and had exceedingly bad reflux. I was covered in vomit 100% of the time. I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I had conversations asking ourselves ‘what have we done??’.

I can wholeheartedly tell you though- It does get better but the first year is miserable.

@MalleusMaleficarumm - you’re being a twat, so I guess it takes one to know one. I wasn’t explaining anything to you specifically, or I would have done @MalleusMaleficarumm . I was clarifying a post that was potentially unhelpful to anyone reading it, given that you didn’t specify your advice about flexibility for captains was limited to “the orange” airline.

Omg yes I remember many occasions where my husband was delayed hours getting home because there was a strike in France, or something had broken on the aircraft, or someone had called in sick or…..(insert myriad of other reasons!)

you are at the peak in terms of (potential) PND, your baby being at a difficult age, lack of support, wondering what the fuck you’ve done to your life etc. in the early days I bitterly regretted having a baby with a pilot husband. I really didn’t think it would be as hard as it was. I remember meeting new people at baby groups etc and they would get all giddy when they found out he was a pilot as if we lived some glamorous lifestyle and I would have literally traded for him to do ANYTHING else. I fantasised about him doing a 9-5 office job and used to cry when all my friends husbands would be back from work at 6pm and around all weekend. I did so much alone. One of the big reasons why we only had one child!

OP start another post about dealing with a clingy baby. That seems to be the major issue here. You are prioritising baby’s clinginess over your mental health and that needs to change.

I haven’t had a clingy baby to that extent so can’t give good advice on how to deal with it but others will be able to. My thoughts are that you need to go out by yourself when DH is home and he needs to deal with baby. Start with going out every time baby naps. Have your stuff ready and just go out the door. I don’t see any reason why that should be a problem. DH can use the time to do meal prep and other stuff to help you out for the times he is away. You can have couple time in the evening.

I think also you have to keep your DH’s career in perspective with other routes not taken. If your DH wasn’t a pilot, surely he probably would’ve done something equally ambitious or demanding (but in a different way) because that’s the type of man he is?

But do please get some additional support in the meantime. I found a lovely retired lady for occasional childcare (who had worked with children) who was very happy to work ad-hoc to top up her pension. Just start asking around - you will find someone.

Don't move, you will feel even more isolated.

This os an option you can look at as well. I was back tonwork after my first was 4.5m too, and my 2nd was nearly 6m.
Really valid point!

My Gran was in a similar situation, told my Grandad she felt like a single Mum so might as well be one. He enjoyed going out with friends, working etc while she looked after 3 sons at home, not being allowed to work. In the end after alot of words, she got a part time job, started having Saturday as her time, Grandad would have Friday night and the rest of the time they shared everything from childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. It took some work but they wanted to be together and were for 60 years. Stay strong, put yourself first, Gran always said never forget the person you were before you have a family, that you enriches your family.