Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Why ME though? Your mortgage is crazy, why not a cheaper part of the UK near another airport?

In all fairness OP if you have been suffering with post natal depression along with having a baby then I see it as far more than an issue with your husbands schedule. You were happy with your lifestyle before the baby came along & now you feel trapped & lacking in your own identity. Raising a child in a safe & loving home is an identity but sadly it's often not perceived that way.

If you have a loving husband & a good father to your child, albeit when he is available,then why throw that away for some imaginary single lifestyle which you can never get back when you have a child. I would be looking at what I have in life now & appreciating it rather than looking back at what I used to have.

How are you this morning OP?

Echoing everyone else saying don't move.

What does your average day look like with baby? How much are you managing to get out?

@Starlight1984 What, and he knows what's best for her does he? Knows better than she does? Very patronising. The ME isn't the only place in the world where having a cleaner is possible. OP doesn't want to move to the ME, so he should respect that and help find better solutions like downsizing.

As for everyone telling me the same thing, I was arguing with couple of people about how much parenting he is able to do, not if moving to ME is selfish, but why you think I must share the opinions of a few others on this thread (and it's far from everyone), I don't know. Its not about being right (strange way of looking at it), I'm simply entitled to my opinion thanks, just as others are entitled to theirs.

OP clearly is not in a position to be making any major life decisions right now - whether that’s moving to the Middle East or moving within the UK. She needs to get out of the fog of PDD first.

On the latter option though, there’s no guarantees that it will possible - their mortgage may or may not be portable, and even if it is, early repayment charges on the chunk they would be paying back could be financially prohibitive. OP’s situation will not be improved by rash decisions that could have long-term financial consequences.

Honestly I don’t think divorce will solve your issue. You’re finding it hard particularly as your husband is away a lot or else has to rest before he leaves.
I think you’re jumping the gun here. Get in some regular babysitting help once a week and plan a me night. Going back to work might actually help you as you’ll have more social interaction etc.
Honestly if he’s a pilot there is not much he can do about his antisocial hours and you owe it to your daughter to at least try and make it work for a little bit as opposed to immediately going to divorce.

Well there we agree, OP shouldn't rush into any decisions right now, including the ME, so her husband needs to drop it.

Apparently pilots, members of the military, merchant sailors, and emergency medicine doctors are all shit parents. My dh is a scientist who worked six months of the year at a remote station, and I guess he was shit too.

It's not always husbands either, I know a number of military and medical families where the mum is the one with the difficult schedule, so they must also be shit I guess.

As a PP said men often try to ‘fix’ problems. So if OP is saying she has no time to herself and doesn’t feel like herself any more he is probably suggesting Dubai because he’s heard most people have nannies and cleaners and that will help OP get time back to do things she wants to.

I think the upheaval at this point wouldn’t be worth it, but he’s not automatically a bad person for suggesting it. I think he’s just missed the point that OP is struggling with the all consuming nature of caring for a little baby. Having just been through it, I know how tough it is and how being the default parent is so tiring. And I’d get angry at my husband being home at 6pm instead of 5pm!

Being a pilot isn’t exactly flexible but they need to work together. Figure out each week how OP can get some time, or the days where the husband can take the lead on caring instead of OP.

The other option is for the husband to ask for some parental leave (its unpaid so tricky financially) but might be worth looking at if it gives OP support in the short term.

Her husband needs to drop what exactly?!?! 😂

OP has said (in her own words!)

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life. I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc.

She has been telling HIM she can't live like this anymore, she's going crazy etc etc. Then he suggested a move to the ME.

That is literally all that has happened. You're making out like he's forcing her to do everything on his terms when it sounds like he's just trying to suggest something to help as his wife is obviously very unhappy!

I think there always seems to be a link between PND and husband's not helping enough. What would he say to the idea of him going part time? So then you can start work part time as well. I don't think living in Dubai and having loads of maids is the answer. You need a partner who is there for you and your child.

Either way you should get couples counselling, so that either he can make compromises, or you can decide to split.

oh OP this sounds so stressful.

In your shoes? i would not be moving to Dubai, or anywhere else in the ME for that matter. And since your DH works so much, and such odd times would it really make much difference if you stayed in UK? He will earn a fair amount, so maybe you could downsize your house to closer to your family, and you can buy in childcare a few days a week so you can do the gym and meet friends etc?

See how it works with a distance relationship, and only make really firm, final, decisions once you are back working?

All these people saying divorce-as if life is peachy being a single parent.You complain about doing all the parenting and being alone-wait until you’re single and doing it. The loneliness. Dating again with a child. Your child flitting back and forth between two homes. You may feel as if you’re one already, but you’re really not. I know-I’ve done it. If you dislike your husband, and feel you can no longer love him or respect him, I’d say go for it but that doesn’t seem to be the problem. Take a breather and delay any important decisions about your life. Try to allow affection between you and your husband back in. Look at going back to work in the future and see how you can make it work. But don’t just throw everything upon the air with long term consequences because you’re fed up.

if the choice is Dubai with a husband who already does nothing and his schedule rules my life, and going it alone in my professional job with the help of a cleaner and childminder? it is an absolute no-brainer.

ETA: added to which, my suggestion was see how it is with him in ME and OP closer to a support network (and / or buying in cleaner and childcare help)

You are a first time mum and on maternity leave, it's hard going and your hormones will be all over the place, plus losing your freedom and not doing your usual routine. Hold on in there, I hated and resented my oh for the first year after childbirth and could have easily left our relationship, it all calmed down eventually once I went back to work and felt a little more like myself again. Have a sit down and tell him how you are feeling and see what his response his. I do agree moving to dubai will be hard going and he needs to consider you in all this too.

Hi OP, I'm not married to a pilot but DH travels with work regularly for a few weeks at a time, I struggled with MH after birth of first and we now have 3 young children and experience of living abroad.

A few suggestions-

-Accept that while DH is away, it is up to you as the person at home to decide how much extra help you need and the bills for these need to be seen as essentials to life going for all 3 of you. eg laundry pickup/drop off service, babysitting to give you freedom to leave house in the evening. I'd recommend finding someone with confidence and experience who loves looking after your baby and pay them well, try to build the relationship so they become your assistant and you become their go-to family for work. A newly qualified nurse (happy to mind until late) and a recently retired teaching assistant (happy to do daytime care) have been our childcare heroes!

-Choose what you would like to do at weekends and book it. Don't feel you can only do fun things with your baby when husband is home.

-We've lived abroad before for short stints of a few months at a time. I would not be against doing this again in the future, but I definitely would have been against doing it with a baby; life is hard enough at this point and familiarity of how to reach friends/doctors/nursery/playgroups is important.

-Look at how to save money and what is essential. We seriously considered renting out our house so we could come back to it at a later point and moving into a smaller 2 bed or an apartment with shared garden space. Would this help?

-Give it time, the routine you have now will be completely different again in 6 months time when you are back at work.

-The first year or so after the birth of our first was the hardest. It gets easier, and more enjoyable too.

@Klaudea a few things
1- seeing how hard things are atm, do NOT move to Dubai. You’d be stuck there if things get even worse. You’d loose your network that currently supports you (I’m thinking psychiatrist, family, friends). It’s the last thing you want to do

2- I’d have doubts that he is trying to offer a solution by proposing something he wants and you’ve said No to many times…. If anything, it looks like he is trying to use the fa t you’re more vulnerable now and therefore more likely to say Yes.

3- if he is besotted with his child and would want 50/50, then it means he CAN make it work 50/50. And that he can do that NOW. The question is: why on earth would he wait to be separated to step up??

4- he isn’t nice and considerate if he is insisting for your life to only cater to him (eating early, no noise etc… ) whilst he isn’t making any effort himself.
eg he could eat at 4.30pm but not expect you to do so. He could prepare the meal for both of you, eat and leave things out for you when you’re ready later.

5- please do not become a SAHM. It’s going to drive you crazy.

If the idea is to try and make it work, I’d actually look at how much time you do have for yourself. How much your life is organised around him.
Tally it up. For yourself.
I suspect you’ll find some things are maybe non negociable. Like going to bed early if he needs to get up early the next day. Just like a shift worker.
But how much of the rest of your life is organised around him? Eating dinner together at 4.30pm because it works for him doesn’t have to happen for example. He could do ALL the night shifts when he is home (rather than some of them). Etc etc…

Ah. He would have a nanny and a cleaner when you divorce and cannot return with your resident DCs.

No,No,No.

I agree with everyone else, give it some thought until you fully recover from PPD.

My friends came back from Dubai because they wanted to give their children an European education and be closer to family from both countries and they regret it now. Dubai obviously has its downsides but they grew used to the make perks and expensive lifestyle. His wife is beside herself even though they moved to her family’s country lol.

So what is your expectation here? He should retrain for a new career? That will likely take years and have significant financial implications.

Divorce is a better option than moving to Dubai. The Middle East is a no-go area for western women (or any women who believe they should have rights approaching those men have, let alone equal to or better than men).

The reason "home help" is cheap is because people are exploited. If you want to employ desperate people from Asia on a paltry wage that is akin to modern slavery, you don't need to move to the Middle East anyway, ask around and you can find undocumented immigrants to do the work for you in this country.

Absolutely don't move to Dubai or divorce - your baby is 6 months old and it is obvious you yourself are struggling hugely with a huge life-changing event and are finding it incredibly hard to go on like this. You must find the support of your extended family/in-laws or a childminder as an urgent matter. I would not pressure DH to wake up in a middle of a night to care for a baby when he has a 12h flight next day. You both need to find a different solution. 3,5k mortgage is insane - you need a nanny to survive next 3-6 months until you go back to work - the nursery will certainly cost you extra 2k per month where you live! Can you even afford it? Think it over or you will be forced to become a SAHM!

My expectation is that, that man, who knows the implications of his job, would do his utmost to make his dwife life easier. For her sake and the sake if his own child .

Not expect a grown up adult to eat at 4.30pm because he fits with him but no one else in the house.
Not expect that a move to Dubai will solve all the issues ‘because @Klaudea will get help with cleaning so she won’t be able to moan anymore’ whilst refusing to look at the broader issues within the marriage. Including HIS behaviour (not his job) and his attitude towards her illness (because there is nothing in the OP’s posts about how he has supported her on that. Which I assume he did nothing of any relevance).

Id expect him to take some responsibility in the current situation. Which so far, he doesn’t seem to do.

Do you love your husband? You don't mention that at all.

I can't see Dubai solving your problems.

But I'm also not sure if you should make big decisions in your current state. Take your time. Can you go and stay somewhere with a parent, friend, go on a break with a mum pal with kids?

I think you need a bit of space and perspective before you make any decisions.

Some of your issues seem to be that you can't enjoy your own home properly and that will only get worse.

Where would you ideally be based? Would it be worth trying to buy a less expensive home (that could be just yours if you go that route) and he stays in a hotel before his travel?

I live in an area with a lot of offshore workers. You may find that having him totally away on a rotation is easier than having him there but not there.

I also think you should see how you feel once back at work as that will give you a different outlet. Many of us don't like being at home all the time.

Is there any way that he could sleep somewhere else, e.g. his parents. You sound financially stretched but do you have any savings you could use for a fully insulated garden room that he could have a bedroom in?

At least solving that issue would mean you could feel less controlled in your own home.