Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

First of all don't move abroad: if you did then split, you could be left stuck in dubai unable to take your own child home. I couldn't live in dubai.

Totally get how you feel, sometimes it seems like being alone would be easier. I think you should get beyond the first year and see how you feel before divorcing. It's a time of a lot of upheaval and strong emotions.

I know this doesn't answer your current feelings. But I think it will get easier once you are back to work. Fingers crossed OP

I would move to Dubai. It might be a nice easy pleasant life for a few years. Rather than struggle as a single parent with less money. And you aren't happy now in your situation. Sometimes none of the alternatives are what you want and you just have to choose the best one. I'd move.

I'm sorry op, you are right in the thick of it but I promise you will feel better.

Don't move on maternity leave. Say you will consider once you have gone back to work and worked for say, a year. This will give you more options and you will know if you want to work, f/t, p/t etc.

Your PPD will hopefully be much improved by then, your baby will be older so you may feel more able to go out and have more of your own independent interests again.

Then you can decide about how you feel about moving to Dubai, rather than this all being wrapped up with other issues in your life, home and marriage.

Hi I’m not sure I can add much to your decision making but just wanted to empathise with you as I was in a similar position some years ago. My (now ex) dh was offered a job in Dubai and he knew I didn’t want to go but I said he had to make the final decide for his career. He decided not to take it (which was the right decision career wise as it turned out) but for me it was the beginning of the end as I knew I wouldn’t have gone with him if he’d decided to go! Wishing you love and strength. Xx

I'd move and rent the house out as it maybe just be be a few years. I wouldn't lose a wealthy husband. Or could he change jobs and get a job with Ryanair or something and live close to the airport

Do not move to dubai.

I think it's awful when posters say things like do ABC or you will be 'forced' to be a SAHM. There are mothers who would give their all to have the privilege of being a SAHM & they just can't afford it. I had this privilege until my children started school & I loved every minute. I Then went back part time. Now they have flown the nest I WFH. I had days when I was stressed & exhausted but people who work full time have days when they too are exhausted & could run a mile. I wish people would stop spouting how bad the first years of a babies life are. What's more the same people inevitably go on to have more children. Children are a blessing & should be cherished every day.

I would consider a move to Dubai very seriously even if my relationship and MH was really good. It’s a huge step and could make you feel even more cut off and isolated than you do at the moment.

my advice would be to hang in there whilst you’re on maternity leave. Continue dealing with your mh via professionals, try to get out and about. I took my dd to all sorts of baby groups to get myself out of the house etc. if you can, cut down on some luxuries and pay for a cleaner or help in the home. Then thing about going back to work after your mat leave has ended. Not everyone’s cut out to be a SAHP. I certainly wasn’t and work really did help me, not just that I could be ‘me’ again and not just a mummy, but it also gave me purpose and a sense of independence. Initially I also went back 4 days a week but put my dd into nursery for 5 days, so I got a day to myself for my own sanity if nothing else.

Honestly, you are in the one of the hardest times of your lives. Both of you, insanely stressful and it sounds like you've had a really bad time. I know families who have moved to Dubai and love it. It's great for families but it's an individual decision. Could you take a recce holiday and see for yourself how you like it ? But IMO a move wouldn't solve relationship problems but equally certain things can take off the pressure, like extra help or rest. I think everyone deals with the same problems when baby comes along so dont feel alone and speaking a mum of a 3 year old, its so hard but things do change, and your feelings will change a lot over the next few years about everything. keep talking and hang on in there. sending positive vibes for you xx

OP my husband is an airline pilot and yes it can be bloody hard work and is not a family friendly vocation at all.

When our child was a baby it caused so many problems. He was away all the time, I was completely stuck on my own. I massively resented the time off he got in hotels and to just leave the house and have relative solitude. I was very angry for a long time.

mine ended up going part time a couple of years ago. Is this an option for you? It has massively helped our relationship.

I can also say that once your child gets older it will become easier too. When our child was 6 months old, I was just a shell of my former self and hugely depressed being left to parent on my own all the time. Things will get easier but I’m afraid the resentment won’t subside, you’ll just learn to deal with it. IMO part time is really the only way to deal with this issue.

PM me if you want to talk or offload! I really do understand how challenging it is.

Thanks for all the replies. Being able to be so honest is really helpful.

It’s the monotony and exhaustion that feels like torture. I have never felt so depleted. My skin is actually grey now and my lips and eyes are purple. Ive aged 10 years and feel really ugly all of a sudden.

Everyday i get the flash mop out after feeding the baby and everyday I think “oh my God, didn't i just do this 5 mins ago?”. All I do is cook, clean and care for the baby. It really scares me. I still have quite a bit of mat leave left.

When Dh is off he does cook and do his share of chores but the baby (and dog) just want me.

I fantasise about divorcing dh so I could just get some time away from the baby and house. Going and sitting on a bench at the park with my dog and a sandwich is all I’m asking for. I’m not asking to live the life i had pre baby.

Being with the baby non stop is suffocating. If i want to go to a cafe he has to be with me. Otherwise i cant go. And when dh is off we try to be together so im still not getting the tine i need.

The other day dh was delayed due to there being mechanical issues and it meant he was home about 6 hours late. I hate how I was literally counting down the seconds for him to walk through the door. I feel so pathetic. It’s not like me to be that needy or dependent. Ive started having all my meals with dh just so I’m not sat on my own in the kitchen when I eat.

Im jealous of such small things like him stopping off at Costa on the way to work. He gets that time on his own. That sounds like a dream

It doesn’t sound like he’s opposed to looking after the baby himself while you go to a cafe or for a walk - the barrier is that the baby only seems to want you.

If you were to divorce him, you’d be leaving the baby alone with him part of the time, whether or not the baby was happy about it. So why can’t you do that now?

So what if the baby cries and makes a fuss? He/she is safe in the care of their father, who they need to establish a proper bond with. Leaving them alone together is the best way to make that happen.

And with the best will in the world, it sounds like your issue is a clingy baby, not a selfish husband as posters on here have been insisting. This phase is horrible but it will pass - temporary challenges don’t need life-changing, permanent solutions (whether that’s divorce or moving to Dubai).

OP, every young parent feels like this. I remember when our screaming baby was 2 months old and we were sitting in the living room with DH having finally managed to put him to sleep - and it suddenly dawned on us - he is not going anywhere, he is staying with us forever! OMG! My advice is - don't mop and don't clean all the time. The world will not end if you leave that dirty cup on the table. It's warm finally - take the baby out for the whole day. Go to the park. Go shopping.Take the bottle with you. Enjoy your ice-cream and coffee while the baby sleeps. I planned my outings when I knew my son will have a nap. So I knew I would have 2 hours to myself outside while he naps in the pram. Don't waste that time to clean the house. Use it to rest and enjoy yourself. You have to learn to let it go. No wonder you are going mad if you are on your feet cleaning and cooking all the time!

Honestly I don’t mean this in a patronising way but I think this is just having a 6 month old! Imo it’s one of the worse phases because they exhaustion really builds, you introduce food but you don’t really reduce milk and there is just and endless list of jobs and washing and chores. Your life doesn’t feel like your own, but that’s just part of it, it’s the phase and it does get better.
Do you go out socially with the baby? Make sure you are meeting mums for walks and coffees and bond with people in similar situations.
Your DH should be off for days at a time, you don’t need to spend it all together because that’s what you did before. Have him get up with the baby, sit in bed and have a coffee to yourself.
Go out while DH stays in while the baby naps just to get some fresh air and time to yourself.

Basically you need to carve this time out for yourself!

Do you have local mother & baby group you can attend?They can be company outwith the home & they often offer to babysit to give you some free time. I found rather than fighting the 'feeling' which once you have a child never leaves you. You are constantly worried about them surviving, even when not around them, so it's actually better to give in & say this is my role now. I'm a mother so I may as well accept everything that comes with it, rather than fight it.

FWIW,l Ioved having young children & having the privilege of being a SAHM for a few years although its not for everyone. Also,to be fair I had parents close by on both sides. It's a pity that's less common nowadays.

In addition & as an after thought. I can't think of anything worse than the stress of a dog (who only wants you) as well as a new baby but each to their own OP. I hope things improve for you.

I broke at 6 months - I remember listening to a Dido song - Hunter- I want to be a hunter again…and crying my eyes out, I needed help and I had not spoken about how bad I was feeling, even my darling husband had no idea how trapped I was feeling. With the help of our HV I got my twin babies into a nursery for two days a week, I needed this help for two months before I wanted them back full time. You need a break - don’t be scared to talk about how you feel, it was talking that saved me - I was so ashamed to admit that I was utterly miserable.

This is all totally normal. It's the joys of having a 6 month old. The modality and lack of time for personal care is brutal. The feeling of resentment is normal as well. I was so passed off that my H got to 💩 in peace. I'd have to shower with the child in the room while singing songs while she still cried. Every meal I ate was funking cold. My fantasy was sitting in the car alone and reading a book. Honestly, it will pass. As long as he's doing a share while he can your resentment is misplaced. I know you want to spend time together but you really must prioritise self care. Take the time you need while he's home. Also, I wondered have you done any KIT days for work?

Dubai? Women are not even considered to be humans there.
He wants you chose between plague or cholera.
How about making one of the options actually good for you or does he suffer from an extreme case of main character syndrome?

No you don’t have to be together when he is off

talk to him - say Dubai is a no but can small minor things change

what is the childcare plan for going back to work

this is good advice...I would not move to Dubai with a baby far better to be here near friends and family.

You need to revisit your MH Practitioner. This isn't a healthy way to feel.

Do you get out to groups? Have you got mum friends or family around?

I don't think your DH is the problem you think he is.

100% all of this. I meant to add to my last post another MH practitioner visit is in order,possibly GP first.

I wouldn't move to Dubai because I'm temporarily stuck with a baby. So, you've figured out that being SAHM isn't going to be your thing. Lovely...look forward to going back to work.

My ex left shortly before DC2 was born, so he's not been looking after the baby at all. I'm on maternity leave, too, and as much as I'm looking forward to going back to work and my little person starting nursery, I'm also enjoying my maternity leave. You don't have to be stuck at home. You don't have to spend all the time cleaning. Take your DS out and about. DC2 just had to fit in around DC1 in our case but that's not necessarily a bad thing. We go to baby group, swimming, lunch out or a coffee with other mums or have friends come over. Yes, baby will be present and I'm not usually going out at night but I'm certainly not stuck in the house during the day. I take the pushchair or a carrier and off we go. I've also put the bike seat on my bike and we've starting going cycling now that the weather is getting better (DC is nine months).

Wow! sounds idyllic 😁