Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

You have choices. If being a SAHM isn't for you, go back to work. You're on maternity leave, so could you speak to your employer about a phased return and sort out childcare for those days? If a child-centric role isn't for you, then change the dynamic.

Your DH has good reason to want to go to Dubai, and you have good reasons not to go. I know people in your position who've done the Dubai pilot run. Pros: better pay and conditions, promotion, career progression & better prospects with other long-haul operators, relatively short term if you want it to be (most do), great networking opportunities for both of you, better long-term financial security for your family. Cons: Cultural differences, political issues, homesickness, etc.

Your DH turned down a job offer (from Emirates?). Believe me, that's a big deal! Doesn't that speak volumes about where his priorities lie? Flipping this, he's given up on a plum job at your request, is supporting you (through sickness and health), as he should, holding down a demanding job, and you're thinking of divorcing him because you're not happy?

He knew what he was getting into when he had a baby. No one made him. Men are just as responsible for their choices as women are, and I highly doubt you'd be defending a female pilot who refused to look after her own child for just 30 minutes when her husband is on his knees and has bad mental health.

Clearly we disagree, there's no need to start insulting people you disagree with you know? It is possible to just disagree like an adult.

She then admits in the next post that he will do these things when he’s not responsible for the lives of hundreds of people the next fucking day!

Clearly you have no ability to relate to the situation the OP is actually in - presumably you and your partner are both in normal 9-5 office jobs and can play a fully equal role in raising your kids.

But that simply does not work for families where one parent, regardless of gender, is a pilot or in an equivalent high pressure career with long, unpredictable hours and necessarily a lot of time away (e.g. emergency doctors, military folks etc.). OP knew what she signing up for.

You have a DH problem.

1 You don't have to adjust everything for his schedule. if he wants to eat at 4:45 and go to bed at 6pm that's fine, but you don't have to eat at 4:45 and you don't have to go to bed at 6pm. I would suggest that he sleeps in the spare room on nights like this to accomodate you being able to move freely around the rest of the house.

2 He can still have the baby even if he works the next day. eg, he has baby from 4-7 while you are doing soething else.

3 He can't possibly need a full night's sleep 7 nights a week? So plan for your own things on the nights he does not have to be up for work the next day. Ditto, if he is off during the day, he can have the baby while you do something else.

But mostly, I think you have a selfish pricj of a husband and considering a move to Dubai is a truly awful idea. Do not do it.

And if he crashes his plane and dies - plus is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people - because he didn’t get enough sleep, how will that help the OP’s mental health? Do you think she’ll enjoy testifying at the inquest in front of their grieving families?

Yes - he knew what he was getting into when he had a baby. He knew that he would be away a lot and need to maintain sleep hygiene on the nights before he flies, and that that would mean his partner would have to carry more of the mental load. He thought his partner was up for that - she told him she was.

OK I can see I've 'triggered' you, you're very angry about this, so I'll leave you to it.

OP, just to reiterate, please don't move for your selfish husband.

I’m sorry OP that you are going through this.

Deep down you must know that it is unreasonable to expect a pilot to disturb his sleep.

This is about you finding being a new mum HARD - and you are not unreasonable for that, AT ALL! However, taking it out on your husband will not help. No matter how envious you are that he has a “get out” from the baby care that you are finding so draining and demoralising. It isn’t a get out though, it’s just his job, which he has to do, and he has to do safely.

You know you have PND, you are getting help for it, so stick with your husband at least until you’re feeling more yourself.

Do not move to Dubai.

Also don’t divorce your husband, at least not right now.

I do think this situation will improve vastly if you can find a way to get some childcare in the short term though, and go back to work long term.

I would prioritise childcare second only to bills on your budget. Find a way to make it happen. Cut back as much as you need to, eat jacket potatoes and keep the heating off this time of year.

Hope you feel better soon x

someone who asked 'didn't you realise this before you married him' - that is just such a gross anti feminist/ anti women comment.

Having children changes a family dynamic and brings enormous commitment and responsibilities that nobody really understands until they are in it.

I'm sure the OP had absolutely no idea how hard and lonely she would find parenting alone so often - until she was caught up in it.

The man doesn't get to say 'well you knew I was a really important pilot who can't possibly every change'

If you want relationships to work you bend and grow within them - and a man is just as capable of doing that as a women it's just they aren't expected to

What can he do about the demands of his job other than giving it up? And how can he give it up when they have a humongous mortgage with monthly repayments of three and a half grand?

OP, just to reiterate, please don't move for your selfish husband.

She shouldn't move if she doesn't want to. But if he was selfish, he would have taken the job he was previously offered. He didn't. Perhaps there's a middle ground before she divorces him?

Do not make any big decisions while in the clutches of PND.

The problem is not that you’re in the UK or that he’s a pilot, it’s that he has not adjusted his life priorities and you had to. It’s awful.

Dubai will not fix anything (and is awful). A divorce will just reduce the current minimal support you have from him to 0. Being a SAHM will make you financially vulnerable.

When I was in your situation I read my husband the riot act. It was the first truly big truly awful fight we had. We walked around with a buggy for 3 hours while I explained just how miserable and unsupported and stuck I felt and all the ways in which he had been an arse. Things changed after that, slowly. He also stepped up more as DS got bigger, and with DD from the start (as by then we knew what we were doing and it wasn’t such a shock).

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I’m sure you will get through it just hang tight.

I think you need to set some boundaries, maybe living near family or friends if possible would be better for you and the baby. Set a routine and your partner will need to slot around that. You are a professional too so your life/career is important too.

If he wants dinner at 4pm then tell him it will be ready at 5pm and if he can’t wait he can make it or can sort himself out. Tell him to wear earplugs and a mask and get on with it. I used to work shifts there is only so much you can expect people to tip-toe around you.

I don’t have children yet, live in london and have an interesting career. Yet everyday still feels like Groundhog Day. Washing, Housework (even with a cleaner once a week) Food shopping and prep, life admin and work. I’m 31 nearly 32 and am finally accepting this is how it is, children or no children. We could chose to go back to my partners country South Africa and have a housekeeper however how would we work and pay for that?

In Dubai you’d probably be able to afford a housekeeper and a nanny, and be able to work. Also you’d have an expat community you could dip into. To be honest I’d never seek out to live in a place like Dubai, but if my partner was earning well and we had those amenities, I’d lay with the devil and try to make the best of it, treat my housekeeper well tip etc… that’s how I approach my future retiring in South Africa. With an open mind.

I’d also recommend seeing a GP or getting some support therapy etc… nothing wrong with seeking help during such a change in lifestyle. Good luck! 🤞

How on earth is he "selfish"?!?! He's a fucking airline pilot!!!

Men in the forces are away from their families for months at a time leaving their wives to do absolutely everything. Are they selfish? Doctors and surgeons can work anywhere up to 20 hours a day! And then have to go home and sleep before their next shift. Are they selfish???

At the end of the day, if you chose to be with someone who has a profession like any of the above then that's the life you're getting into. My ex was in the Navy and if we would have stayed together and had kids, he would have barely been around. And that's the reason I ended our relationship as I couldn't imagine being with someone who was away more than he was home.

Selfish because despite OP severely struggling with her mental health, the solution he's giving is that they do something only HE wants and move to the ME. Nothing to do with him being a pilot.

By the way, I've heard women can be in the forces these days too...

I wouldn't rush in to any decisions. Lots of people don't enjoy the very young baby stage and struggle with depression immediately after having a baby. Even by doing nothing, as the child gets older and starts nursery and school you will get your you time back.

I think there's lots of ideas to consider.

1. Moving to Dubai
2. Moving to somewhere else abroad that interests you both
3. Moving to somewhere in the UK nearer to your friends and family
4. Downsizing so you can hire in help
5. Finding activities you can do with the baby - I went to a parent and baby yoga class where the mums did yoga whilst the babies played in baby gyms.
6. find some savings to allow some hired help/occasional babysitting. Or a night nanny occasionally? Mothers help?
7. put the baby in nursery or childminder for some hours.
8. go back to work. Plenty of people I know didn't like being a sahm.
9. husband sleeps in hotel before flying so you don't have to tiptoe around
10. schedule one of the baby's naps for the same time as the dog walk and let them fall asleep in the buggy. I used to do this and then leave the baby in the buggy in the garden until they woke up.
11. don't have dinner at 4.45. He can eat something else.
12. find something to do each day. Maybe parent and baby swimming if you like sport?

I'm sure there are lots of others suggested here.

I do agree with this to an extend. Managing expectations is a part of life. My partner knew what he was getting into when I told him I was a clinician with the NHS and I knew what I was getting into when he told me about his work in Tech.

That was part of the attraction. I have no issues with my partner working long hours. He provides he pays the mortgage and will do his bit. That’s more than any of my friends have. I am lucky.

You can’t have a high earning partner and a hands on dad taking the baby off you at 3pm Monday to Friday. In fact if you want that, do what my friend has done and marry a primary school teacher. She’s a GP so can do the rest.

I’m all for equality but women must manage their expectations at times.

What solution should he be offering? What serious, genuine options do they have? He’s being as engaged and hands on a parent as his job allows - he’s looking after the baby on his days off and when he’s not required to be sleeping ahead of a flight the next day.

They clearly can’t afford for him to give up his job or even cut his hours - again, they have a stonking great mortgage payment of three and a half grand. And he cannot change the demands of his job. He can’t even easily take a leave of absence - he needs to maintain minimum flying hours to hold onto his licence.

The problem is that there are no solutions! He’s presumably panicking and suggesting the only thing he can think of.

Make his own dinner? Get EarPods so he can sleep? Eat his dinner and then spend 30 mins with his son so his wife can have a walk. Tell her it is hard and let’s see what small tiny things he can do to make her life easier.
Recognise that her life has changed but so has his and whst little tiny things he can do.

Gestures don’t have to be big, sometimes just a small tiny acknowledgement a small little change - recognising that perhaps if I need to eat at 4:45 I can make my own dinner and let others eat later.

the problem is his solution is what he wanted all aling

Please do not make any drastic decision when you are still influenced by the baby blue.

I had lots of crazy idea went through my mind during the 1st year of my DC - which many I am glad that I didn't do much of them, of which that includes, I thought my DH was not qualified as a daddy, he didn't love his DC enough...etc

Men need to be trained as a daddy, and so do us. Your DH can be still navigating his new role, it can take years but as long as he is willing to adapt, it's heading to the right direction.

Please consider getting someone to help you out, hire a babysitter or a nanny...free yourself up at least 2 days a week.

About Dubai...I used to live in a place (not UK) where most mums were wives of pilots. They all got child-care helpers and arranged play dates to hang out with other mums to relax and were generally happy and doing okay. If such community exists in Dubai then it's not that bad.

Hang in there OP, things will get smoother as your child grows older.

Why exactly is moving within the UK to a cheaper house ruled out as a possible option? Why does it have to be the ME?

Don't be pedantic. It was an example about the armed forces as I was talking about husbands who work away.

The OP has said herself that he was offered this opportunity last year and turned it down! And clearly now is thinking it might be good for his wife to have a cleaner, nanny etc to get some time back for herself if she's struggling so much?!

Everyone is telling you the same thing but you're adamant you're right.

If that 30 minutes falls into the 8-9 hour period ahead of a flight when he needs to be sleeping, he - legally - cannot do that.

You're going through the most difficult stage of being a mum and one day you will be able to look back on this as a stage you got through. Something needs to change, but I wouldn't make major life decisions at the moment. You're clearly in a situation most of us would struggle with but it's not clear from your posts how much of this is completely unchangeable and how much feels unchangeable because you're still thinking through a depressed lens. You've been feeling like your husband won't watch the baby but then it seems he will, just not at night before flying. Are your feelings a response to his attitude or a reflection of you feeling lost and helpless and giving up asking, or both? How do you feel otherwise about being a mum and your baby? How have you found being away from work? If you haven't already, can you talk the relationship issues through thoroughly with your IPT therapist?

For the moment, while you work out what you want, can you identify a couple of things you DO have control over and make some small changes so that you have more contact with other people and things you enjoy during the day? Your situation feels unfair and when this happens we naturally ruminate on the unfairness and then feel more trapped and angry. We're all different, but maybe less time thinking about these huge decisions on your own would work for you and actually help you to see it all more clearly and feel more empowered.

What do you feel about your husband and marriage? Do you want it to work? Your difficulties sound well suited to relationship counseling where you could look together with a neutral person at what your DH can / can't change and how more balance could be created in the relationship. Online would be more flexible, but I can see you may need to be pretty forceful in insisting that your DH blocks this time out and declares some kind of regular 'medical' appointment to his employer.

You say you've been naive thinking you could have a baby and carry on, but I think your DH has been naive too and needs to own that and contribute to a more realistic solution than Dubai.

he can’t make his own dinner and eat it by himself? He can’t acknowledge that making her live around his schedule is stifling and that he will follow it and make his own food and put EarPods on and go to sleep and let her have her own routine that works?

because of course he can

because to me it sounds as if she has lost herself to either her baby’s routine or his. And he can help that by not forcing her to abide to his schedule

and on his days off let her lead as well

the hardest part of the early stages of parenting is losing yourself as an autonomous person. @Klaudea I think that is what you need to tell him, you have lost autonomy and either adapting your time to your babies needs or his needs means you have lost yourself.
Yes you can adapt to be quiet but dinners etc it would be nice for that to be him eating alone sometimes so you can choose when you eat. Just a choice for yourself