Have you ever contemplated getting pregnant and saying it was an accident?

[Junnieee]

I thought about this many times before we had DD (now 7). It was never something I would have acted upon but over the years at least three friends have said things in passing that have made me think they’ve shared such thoughts. One friend actually said she often thought about it as her DH kept putting off the time to ttc. Is this that common? Do a lot of women have these thoughts when they get that urge to be a mother?

You clearly believe they do, as you claim to have considered it and know no fewer than three other women in your immediate circle alone you are claiming did. If you're concerned about it, you might do better on a forum used by men issuing a reminder that they have control over their own fertility and if they excercise it need have no fear of this happening to them. It will be more helpful in addressing the problem if it does exist than whipping up anecdotes to try and prove it does.

might do better on a forum used by men issuing a reminder that they have control over their own fertility and if they excercise it need have no fear of this happening to them.

You want her to go on Pistonheads and tell them some women can't be trusted so men should assume no women can be trusted and take their own precautions?

I highly suspect someone I know did this. She was early 40s, had been divorced 5 years, desparate for children. Also extremely matetialistic and vain (renewed her passport 3 times unnecessairly because she wasnt happy with her photo in it!) and I've know her to lie and be deceitful in the past. Very money-grabbing.

She met someone online dating and kept saying how rich he was. He's also a model. About 6 weeks later she announces she's accidentally pregnant. They got married a few months later. I have also wondered whether he suspected. Knowing her personality I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose to get the baby she wanted asap and a rich and handsome husband along with it!

It's not leaving contraception to the woman. It's making a decision as a couple to use one type of contraception.

That decision should never be unilaterally changed without informing the other partner.

This. And can you imagine the responses to a thread entitled “my DP doesn’t trust me about contraception”.

Yes but if the discussion has been something like, 'we will start trying in say, 4 years' after we've both achieved whatever priority ', the woman may be thinking 'well, that's a bit later than I'd like but it's a good relationship, my health is sound and there has to be compromise'. Fine if the man fully intends to see that through (and the relationship mutually works out), not so fine if he's had no intention all along. If someone is clearly being fucked about, fine, draw a line. But there are instances of a being plausibly messed about

I struggle to agree with. They do if the are thrown carrots, like oh I’ll think about marriage after the big project, X and at etc
Yes. I call it the "engagement/baby carrot"- where a man dangles this carrot to keep the woman around whilst he waits for something better to come along.

Every time someone announces a 'suprise' baby, I have an internal eye roll. Aye, a suprise for the bloke perhaps.
Yep. Controversially, I also do agree that more women than you think deliberately get pregnant. See also: woman tells man that they "can't conceive" for some reason, then a "miracle" baby (and in some cases subsequent "miracle" babies) somehow pops out not long after.....

Happened to my friend. His casual partner swore blind she had a medical condition she couldn't get pregnant, lo and behold a baby was made, no surprise he wanted no part in it.
This is what I was getting at in my last post

We're programmed that way because naturally it's usually essential to keep the species alive. I think to an extent we're evolving to match our surroundings (it's not as much of a priority to many people to reproduce), but if we all still had and followed the urge to keep having babies the planet would be unmanageably overran with how medical advances have changed survival rates and life expectancy.

Men can always use condoms they trust or abstain. It really is as simple as that. If the woman isn't happy with that, she doesn't have to have sex with this man.

I think a good amount are also accidental though. You only have to look at annual contraception failure rates and abortion rates to see that side of it.

So are you essentially saying that men cannot trust women with contraception, and they should always use condoms if they want to be certain.

It's a genuinely sad state of affairs if this is the case

Every time someone announces a 'suprise' baby, I have an internal eye roll. Aye, a suprise for the bloke perhaps.

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

I think this dataset is really eye opening. Most of the “failures” you will be rolling your eyes at will be in relationships of a couple of years. If you’ve been using contraception for 10 years, odds are at the end of that you are going to end up with a baby, because that’s maths.

I feel desperately sorry for the women who have family members and friends “eye rolling” and gossiping behind their backs because people assume contraception doesn’t fail.

I’m talking about long term relationships, not casual encounters. You need to be able to trust your long term partner.

My cousin did just this, she was 43 and saw it as her last chance at motherhood, so she just stopped taking the pill in secret (even though she told a load of people), her long-term partner was always adamant he didn't want children, and she knew he'd never agree to TTC.

Unsurprisingly, the relationship didn't even make it past the 12-week scan. She seems happy enough as a single parent, but the whole situation just seems morally wrong

In the case of the mother who mentioned a warning her sons about all of the women out there who are out to be impregnated by them (based upon this thread). My point isn't that most women are trying to do this, but that men have control of contraception too.

@Feelinglikeadiv so if a man says he's had a vasectomy but he lied about it and the woman gets pregnant it's all on her for trusting him? Not the one doing the deceiving? Or does it only work one way.

No, I agree that outright lies do happen including along the lines of 'i have had a long term contraceptive method In place'. That's male and female.

However, this about a mother lecturing presumably quite young sons (why would she have to lecture 50 yos?) about this risk being widespread when the bigger issue is unreliably used contraception on both sides or genuine mistakes/ carelessness happening.

I think in the context of a mother lecturing her sons focussing on women habitually tricking men, this is is quite an unhealthy approach to trust and relationships. A better approach would be to take responsibility for their own contraception at a young age until they are in a settled partnership. It's more about proportionality. Not to say she can't ever mention that women may choose to come off contraception unilaterally but what's the solution to that for men at a young age? Condoms.

I know three women who have admitted to this, it ended in divorce/relationship breaking down for two of them, the third is still married, but the relationship is toxic with lots of resentment both sides. He’s told me if it wasn’t for the kids he would have left her.

I think that if both partners are lax with contraception then I don’t see how anyone is to blame, but if one partner has unilaterally decided to stop using the agreed contraception method and failed to tell the other parter I’m not sure how anyone could justify that.

Not condoning anything but that is an entirely different scenario.

Why? It’s ok for women to do to men but not the other way around?

No, honestly just think about it for a moment. You must know it's not the same.

It’s the same

A work colleague had 2 children but always wanted 3. She also said she wanted them before she was 30 because she had heard your body doesn’t recover if you have them after 30. I’d supported her through her marriage because he was verbally abusive and controlling, and she split from him when she was about 27. She got back with him when she was 29, got pregnant and they split up just as she was returning to work after her years maternity leave was up. I have no idea if this was what she had planned all along but it’s very coincidental if not.

I wouldn't blame them either providing they told their partner about it, so he can then make his own decisions about contraception

That's not what the thread's about though; the title's "saying it was an accident", which involves deceit so is never acceptable - especially when it concerns a hil'd life