Have you ever contemplated getting pregnant and saying it was an accident?

[Junnieee]

I thought about this many times before we had DD (now 7). It was never something I would have acted upon but over the years at least three friends have said things in passing that have made me think they’ve shared such thoughts. One friend actually said she often thought about it as her DH kept putting off the time to ttc. Is this that common? Do a lot of women have these thoughts when they get that urge to be a mother?

While your friend is insane I have little sympathy for a married man who risks his wife’s health by having unprotected sex with other women.

No way - I couldn't face going it alone and needed DH's complete buy in before trying.

I do know someone who was "accidentally" pregnant two months into a new relationship after saying she was going to have a baby on her own for about a year before that. He obviously wasn't bothered about contraception either but listening to her going on about how it was all so unexpected was funny. They're still together so I guess it worked out!

I know one who person who did this, after her husband had explicitly expressed he did not want any more children. She had one child from a previous relationship and they had one together. She then conceived their second together deliberately, having led him to believe she was still on the pill.
The child is very much loved by both parents, but it ultimately destroyed their marriage and they’re no longer together. And to be honest, when she told me what she was doing, I stepped back from the friendship massively too because I couldn’t wrap my head around how someone could be so deceitful to their husband.

And this is why it is never a good idea.

Equally there was one recently where a man posted about his wife ploughing on with a third pregnancy against his express wishes, and how his resentment had become compounded over the following years, and now the child is 18 he wants out of the marriage. It wasn’t quite that black and white (and he wasn’t blameless), but I remember having some sympathy with his feelings.

Someone’s wish to have another child - and all the shared financial and emotional responsibility that entails - doesn’t outweigh their partner’s wish not to.

But it can be a very visceral, consuming urge, and the resentment of being denied a child you dearly want (especially as a woman, when you’re on a time limit) would be very hard to bear, so I can totally see why it happens.

Agree. I know SO many women in this position - in their mid 30s with husbands who ‘want to wait a couple of years’. Who a couple of years ago also wanted to ‘wait a couple of years’. There’s always something to be done, a promotion, a new house etc

Wouldnt blame them if they thought fuck it and came off the pill or whatever

But in a normal adult relationship, would you not expect to be able to trust your partner. Imagine she said she was taking contraception and you both had negative STD screens and a conversation that you both agreed on (to use the pill, not barrier contraception). Under those circumstances what added responsibility would you expect? Can men and women not expect to trust their partners?

I wanted children before my husband did.
Loads of people told me to just stop taking the pill behind his back. I would never, ever do that. My kids were wanted and tried for, I would never purposely give them a dad who's heart wasn't fully in it.

No, its a terrible thing to do to a person.

I don't think it matters how "desperate" a person is for a baby... no-one owes them their sperm and deceiving another to get pregnant is a vile thing to do and is also not considering the baby, who will be a person and could potentially be unwanted by their father

Although I do think that if a man is adamant he does not want a baby, he should always use condoms even if his partner is on the pill/implant or coil (whatever) as no contraception is 100% effective and the male has no say in what happens with an unwanted pregnancy. He should always take responsibility for his own contraception

I guess some people might still consider it worthwhile? They are raising the child alone but they do have the child at least.

No. Acquaintance lied about fertility issues after she was introduced to a rather affluent man in our neighbouring village.

But no contraception is 100% effective...a pregnancy could he a genuine accident or the woman could sabotage (or lie) about taking the contraceptive if she was that way inclined.

At least if the male is using condoms, he is in control of his own contraception and its an added protection and he has done everything he can do to prevent pregnancy.

I know a person who did it. Turned out very well for her.

My mum also did it to my dad and very openly speaks about it. I even joke to him that it’s lucky one of them wanted me! He wouldn’t be without me I’m sure! I’m quite happy she did it as well. It’s not all doom, gloom and destruction.

I think it's as dishonest as cheating, a huge betrayal. A horrible way to conceive a child out of deceit

I 100% agree with this.

If a man tampers with contraception it’s rape. It’s exactly the same the other way.

yes pregnancy is always a risk of sex. But if someone is being dishonest, consent is not given.

I haven’t considered this, no, but I have definitely softened on the idea of not actively preventing pregnancy now I’m in my mid-30s (in the context of a stable relationship with a partner who was on board with not actively preventing pregnancy).

I no longer feel the need to plan a baby like a military operation and would be okay with a happy accident that didn’t fit my exact timeline.

That being said, I’m not actually doing this right now (due to lack of stable relationship).

I used to know someone who did this seven times with three different men. She was a deeply messed-up woman.

I, on the other hand, have never contemplated getting pregnant full stop.

No, we planned the DC. I hadn't given it any thought before the decision to try.

Jonny Bags all the way for your sons

@JHound One of my friends did this. Told her partner she was off the pill and it was on him to prevent pregnancy. Anyway, she has 2 kids now.

I do think a lot of women do this. However I also believe a lot of men say their ex did it and she didn't.

I think I agree with this. A man tampering with contraception means the woman has not consented, so if a woman lies about it she’s forcing the man to have sex he doesn’t consent to.

i know it’s technically not rape, but it is very wrong

That's not an accident though. Both parties knew she could get pregnant as they were not using any contraception.

Men cause 100% of pregnancies but many seem not to grasp this. If they don't want a child, they have to take responsibility for their own contraceptive choices and not rely on women to do so.

A man in my family created 4, yes FOUR, children that he seemed shocked about. Idiot.

No because it is wrong and would put me before the child anyway, I don't play childish games and would think this is very immature to do