Have you ever contemplated getting pregnant and saying it was an accident?

[Junnieee]

I thought about this many times before we had DD (now 7). It was never something I would have acted upon but over the years at least three friends have said things in passing that have made me think they’ve shared such thoughts. One friend actually said she often thought about it as her DH kept putting off the time to ttc. Is this that common? Do a lot of women have these thoughts when they get that urge to be a mother?

My SIL* though

Anecdotal, but 50% of the blokes on my NCT group stated that this was how they ended up with children.

Plus one other bloke outside my NCT friends.

I guess it depends on the country. My birth country is still a bit conservative so it happens there often.

My coworker who was on her 30's did it with her "friends with benefits", even though he told her he didn't want anything serious with her. His Catholic conservative parents pushed him to marry her, they married and even had another kid. Are they truly happy? Who knows! But they sure post lots of FB and Instagram pictures.

My cousin always told us that at 30 years old she would have a child even without marriage. Well, that happened exactly at 30 with a "separated" boyfriend, the whole family believes that he was fully married and they were fling. In this case, she didn't do it to trap him but failed to disclose that she just wanted a baby.

My own ex boyfriend left me because his ex got pregnant, so they had to marry. We had just been dating for a month and was going to dump him anyway, hahah so it worked out.

Even conservative countries have single mothers. Some South American countries for example, conservative and staunchly catholic have very high single motherhood rates.
But in the UK at least, a very risky thing to do.

I’m don’t agree with it, but the situations where men string women along for years and the pull the promise of a baby when she’s close to menopause and people don’t talk about that nearly as much.

No one gets “strung along” without her own consent. Come on!!

I struggle to agree with. They do if the are thrown carrots, like oh I’ll think about marriage after the big project, X and at etc.
Oh I definitely do want kids but let’s just get the savings up a bit first. Two years of savings later he suddenly doesn’t want kids.

I mean you can only be strung along for years if you allow it.

You can always communicate that you are going off the pill or leave.

This. Women act as if they have no agency. She can have and communicate a clear timeframe. After that she can tell him she is coming off the pill or leave and seek a new man.

When you hear about some women claiming to have been strung along 8 / 10 / 15 years you have to wonder…how??

Well it'd be quite a short conversation 'lads, you know how babies are made? Use condoms if you're ever unsure what you'd want to if sex resulted in a pregnancy'.

I think women do sometimes have their time wasted in bad faith or without the man properly thinking it through at least.

I haven’t thought this and wouldn’t do it. I’d be so angry if a guy took the condom off last minute without me knowing, or tricked me into pregnancy. I think it’s such a cruel and controlling thing to do.

Each and every day, everyone is free to set boundaries and to get up and walk away.

A friend went off birth control because she felt her husband would never be ready to actually commit to ttc. He was aware and actually unbothered and agreed with her logic...they have more DCs now

My now DH believed that his exw had got pregnant four times whilst “religiously” taking the pill. He really believed he had “super sperm” 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Some women actually do do this.

How many people carry on fertility treatments in a shit relationship? That's an interesting one.

There was a thread a while ago in which the OP wanted to divorce her husband but wanted to have a baby with him first!

No, but someone once admitted to me they did. I don't condone it but, equally, I've found that I really don't judge her.

Perhaps that's because she's a genuinely lovely person and her husband was thrilled to have a child.

Well remind your son's that they can use contraception if they don't want a child instead of expecting the woman to do it all.

How can it be an accident or a suprise to the man? They know how babies are made don't they? I can't believe so many people are treating men like poor deceived people. If they don't want a baby, they can wear a fucking condom. If they are surprised the other person got pregnant then they need to read an Usborne book on how babies are made.

No never contemplated it but tbf DH was the one who wanted children not me. Even if I did though I wouldn’t be able to do it. I think a child should be wanted by both parents

🙄🙄🙄

While it’s true that both men and women should understand how reproduction works, the idea that men are always equally responsible when a pregnancy occurs ignores the potential for deception or manipulation. Not all sexual encounters are built on full transparency or equal power. If a man is explicitly told that his partner is on birth control — or if she actively tampers with contraception or lies about using it — then his assumption that pregnancy is unlikely is based on trust, not ignorance. In such cases, it is unfair to blame him for “not knowing how babies are made” when he was given false information.

Of course, men can and should take responsibility for their own protection, but relationships often involve trust — and when that trust is broken, it’s not stupidity or negligence on the man’s part; it’s betrayal. Blaming the man alone oversimplifies situations where deceit played a central role.

I had my DD at 18 whilst on the pill because I took it incorrectly (wasn't supposed to take a weeks break) and my DH (bf at the time) didn't like wearing condoms "because they felt funny" 🙄 - we brought it on ourselves, no one was to blame except sheer stupidity. She's well loved, a very happy surprise. When we decided to have her brother it didn't happen as easy as we thought (5 years difference) and we stopped trying. My DH then got the snip.
The amount of people we know who have been tricked into kids is interesting but the amount of men we know who leave contraception to the women is very telling. "She knew I didn't want kids" ... "well what did you do to prevent yourself from having kids".... "well nothing, she's on xyz..."

And it's fine saying men trusting women is part of a relationship but the men I mentioned in my post are men with multiple kids to multiple women who have definitely had it "done to them" more than once. They don't take responsibility. If you are done having kids, then stop producing kids.

I guess there is a slight difference between unplanned and accidental. So if you decided not to use contraceptives & see what happens then it’s not accidental if you fall pregnant but you might still describe it as unplanned. My first two pregnancies were very definitely planned and we were tracking my cycle, targeting fertile days, taking various recommended supplements etc. After a miscarriage and our first baby we discussed it and decided we wouldn’t start trying right away but that we also wouldn’t use contraception. We were planning to start actively trying again after Christmas and I found out I was pregnant mid December. I personally wouldn’t say second was unplanned but I know people who would describe her that way & I can sort of see why given the very different level of planning when actively trying