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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take some time off work after a missed miscarriage?

123 replies

takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 11:48

Have namechanged.

Found out on Monday that I have had a missed miscarriage. Was supposed to be 8 weeks, my tiny baby was asleep with no heartbeat

I had been spotting all weekend and was very tearful but was told by MIL to stop whinging and be more positive.

When we told her the news on Monday her 1st words were 'oh, and you spent all that money on a scan' (we had paid for a private scan the week before which showed a tiny bean with a heartbeat.)

I have been sent home to miscarry naturally which to be quite honest, emotionally this has been very draining. It has been quite painful, messy and have been bleeding very heavily since Wednesday. Each day it has got steadily worse and although I feel less distressed and in shock than I did earlier in the week, I have found the bleeding very upsetting. MIL has been very good, offering reassurance but often refers to her own experience (she had a D&C the day after she found out) and I get the feeling she thinks I am making a fuss.

However, despite all her 'wise words' the thing that is really sticking in my throat is that she keeps telling me to go back to work. I am not being rescanned to see that everything is gone til the 27th and am seeing GP on Monday to see if he will sign me off until at least then. Mentally and physically I dont feel like I can draw a line under all this until I see the scan and stop bleeding, at least as heavily. MIL thinks that I should go back next week and it seems that everytime DH leaves the room she brings it up. She told me last night that I need to 'get over it' and get back to work. I dont feel strong enough and I am still miscarrying. I dont think I have even 'passed' the worst of it yet. Although she does keep telling me that she doesnt know what I am so worried about re;the bleeding and it should just be like a period cos there 'was nothing really there at that many weeks'.

I am not skiving off work, I work in a high pressured job and dont feel I can do it right now til I am over this. I feel so sad that she is being so heatless. Or is it just me being a wuss? She is making me feel like I am just being weak about it. Am I?

OP posts:
winebeforepearls · 17/05/2008 11:53

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had two missed mcs and it is very very draining, physically and emotionally.

And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable to take time off work. Your MIL is being outrageous, IMO, although she may think she's 'helping' you. Can your DH have a word? Does he know she's doing this?

Please try to look after yourself.

PinkPussyCat · 17/05/2008 11:59

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there too.
Obviously, though your MIL has not experienced the pain and grief of a mc, though even if she had everyone's experience is unique.

FWIW I took four weeks off after my mc, but it's a very individual thing. I didn't feel I could go back while I was still bleeding, and was constantly terrified of what I might see each time I went to the loo. You will know yourself when you are ready to go back, and if your job is high pressured I am inclined to say take even more time if you need it!

Is there any way you could ask for a bit of space from her? She does sound a bit overbearing and it's the last thing you need right now

Hugs((((()))) Look after yourself

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:00

I have spoken to DH this morning and he thinks it is unfair of her and if he hears her say anything he will intervene.

The thing is DH has been off work all this week (to stay with me) and she hasnt said a word about him having time off. So- DH (who isnt miscarrying!!) will have the same amount of time off work as me. We are lucky, DH's boss has told him to stay at home with me and I am soooo grateful for that. But MIL finds it unreasonable that I want some time off to recover but hasnt said a word about DH. I dont get it. I really dont understand what I can do to please this woman!!

OP posts:
Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:01

I am also feeling a lot of 'toilet fear'. I sit there and cry at all the blood. I hate the fact that my baby is leaving me like that.

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 17/05/2008 12:11

You poor love, so sorry for your loss.

Please take time off work, and ignore your MIL - you need time to heal both physically and emotionally. I took a week off when I miscarried at 9 weeks, and TBH I think I should have had longer. Especially as I was in a very stressful job.

It will get better in time but you need to allow yourself time to grieve properly.

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:14

I have been off work all this week Whilst waiting for the miscarriage to start but I really cant imagine going back while I am bleeding so much. MIL keeps referring to it as 'like a period' but its not is it? Its a miscarriage! Its MY baby. Despite the fact that I think I will go to peices if I go to work. I'm not very good at accepting symapathy right now, it makes me cry a lot.

OP posts:
jellyforbrains · 17/05/2008 12:16

YANBU. Is there any way that you can not be in your MILs presence for a while?

milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk · 17/05/2008 12:19

im am so so sorry to hear about your sad loss.
my heart gos out to you.

trust your instints that you need to stay home until after the scan.

your mil is being a complete bitich imo and needs telling.
how fucking dare she tll you to get over it.
my mother is like this and id hve to tell het ro fuck off, although i know its hard at the time when your so vunerable.

is she normally so horrible to you?

please please take the time you need.

lackaDAISYcal · 17/05/2008 12:19

oh sweets you are most definately NOT being unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for your loss

these things affect us all in different ways; some want to get back to normal as soon as possible and some want to hide under a duvet for ever. I was definately in the latter camp when I had both my MCs and had a fortnight after the first one, and just over a week after the second (it was earlier than the first one and didn't hit me as hard). You should take as much time as you need and go back to work when you feel emotionally up to the task.

your MIL is probably trying to be helpful, but perhaps DH can have a quiet word with her adn expain just how hard you have taken this and that you will be taking the time off till your next scan and he would appreciate of she could be a little bit sensitive around you.

there is no right and wrong way to feel.

Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right.

Meanwhile, there are some good leaflets you can download on www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk to help rationalise how you feel and see that you are being perfectly normal. they have a telephone helpline manned by volunteers as well and are very good if you need to talk it through with someone who has been there too.

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:22

Think I'm gonna have to try and avoid her for a bit. Its a shame cos I do love her, shes just very blunt and unfeeling at times.

The best thing she has said about this whole thing is that 'stress causes miscarriages so I shouldnt have got so stressed about my spotting'. eh? I was spotting cos I'd miscarried surely????

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2008 12:22

AGree with Daisy - unless your MIL is a bitch normally she probably genuinely thinks this would be best - she just needs telling she's wrong and to keep her opinions to herself.
So sorry for your loss x

lackaDAISYcal · 17/05/2008 12:23

and no, it's not like a period if you are waiting to m/c naturally, it's clotty and not very nice at all.

Hers would have been though as everything would have been removed with the D&C. Your DH should explain this to her and tell her to give you some space to grieve.

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2008 12:23

x posted - at best she sounds incredibly unfeeling!

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:24

She is normally horrible but thats the way she is. I wouldnt change her and normally it makes me laugh but right now I think I need a sense of humour transplant.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2008 12:25

Well that's hardly surprising
I think your DH needs to explain that her pull-yourself-together attitude is unreasonable and hurtful. If she doesn't get that then you need to avoid her until you're feeling better, and if she asks why, tell her!

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:26

TBH the bleeding has been the worst bit. It makes me very anxious.

OP posts:
lackaDAISYcal · 17/05/2008 12:28

stress won't have caused the m/c. print off some of the MC assoc. leaflets and let her have a read.

I know our parents generation say things like this to be helpful and because it's truly what they believe, but they must be told that things have moved on a lot since they were young and science has given us the answers for things that were just accepted as "one of those things" in their day. I'm sure she isn't meaning to upset you, and a lot of people do unfortunately say the first thing that comes into their heads in situations like this.

Take some time out from her, curl up on the sofa with the duvet, your DH and lots of ice-cream and chocolate and take as long as you need.

and if you need to talk about it, there are fantastic support threads on here. The m/c avengers thread for now and when you are trying to conceive, and the knicker checkers thread for when you are pregnant again.

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2008 12:28

I'm sorry I'm the only one here and I have no experience of this. Are you still under the care of the EPU? Can you give them a call to put your mind at rest?

lackaDAISYcal · 17/05/2008 12:30

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

andiem · 17/05/2008 12:31

I'm so sorry you are going through this I have had 3mcs and they really hurt physically and emotionally
you need to take as much time off work as you need

tbh I think it might be a generational thing one of my mil words of wisdom when I was about to have a d&c was better out than in
she also thought i made a fuss as well

look after yourself good on your dh for staying off work with you
sending hugs

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:32

Have spoke to EPU in the week and they have been very good, have put my mind at rest and been very supportive.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2008 12:33

if you're worried about the amount of bleeding I'd give them another call.

milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk · 17/05/2008 12:33

if it was just case of her encouraging you to go back to work, because she honestly thought it was best for you i could understand.

but the what a waste of money on the scan

stress causes mc

and get over it

that is downright nasty, and people likee this need telling [often for their own good more than anything]
im spitting feathers for you.

great links from daisy.

Original poster
takemyMILoffmyhands · 17/05/2008 12:34

Not open at weekends. ha ha!! she did say though that I would lose quite a lot for up to 2 weeks. I'm keeping Always in business.

OP posts:
llareggub · 17/05/2008 12:35

I didn't have any time off work. I was on autopilot and just wanted to take my mind off it. I really thought I was doing the right thing. However after several tearful episodes in meetings and extreme reactions to difficult situations I gave in and took some annual leave. In hindsight I should have stayed off from the start.

Take as much time as you need and avoid your MIL.