to take some time off work after a missed miscarriage?

[takemyMILoffmyhands]

Have namechanged.

Found out on Monday that I have had a missed miscarriage. Was supposed to be 8 weeks, my tiny baby was asleep with no heartbeat

I had been spotting all weekend and was very tearful but was told by MIL to stop whinging and be more positive.

When we told her the news on Monday her 1st words were 'oh, and you spent all that money on a scan' (we had paid for a private scan the week before which showed a tiny bean with a heartbeat.)

I have been sent home to miscarry naturally which to be quite honest, emotionally this has been very draining. It has been quite painful, messy and have been bleeding very heavily since Wednesday. Each day it has got steadily worse and although I feel less distressed and in shock than I did earlier in the week, I have found the bleeding very upsetting. MIL has been very good, offering reassurance but often refers to her own experience (she had a D&C the day after she found out) and I get the feeling she thinks I am making a fuss.

However, despite all her 'wise words' the thing that is really sticking in my throat is that she keeps telling me to go back to work. I am not being rescanned to see that everything is gone til the 27th and am seeing GP on Monday to see if he will sign me off until at least then. Mentally and physically I dont feel like I can draw a line under all this until I see the scan and stop bleeding, at least as heavily. MIL thinks that I should go back next week and it seems that everytime DH leaves the room she brings it up. She told me last night that I need to 'get over it' and get back to work. I dont feel strong enough and I am still miscarrying. I dont think I have even 'passed' the worst of it yet. Although she does keep telling me that she doesnt know what I am so worried about re;the bleeding and it should just be like a period cos there 'was nothing really there at that many weeks'.

I am not skiving off work, I work in a high pressured job and dont feel I can do it right now til I am over this. I feel so sad that she is being so heatless. Or is it just me being a wuss? She is making me feel like I am just being weak about it. Am I?

i had missed m/c, too, baby died about 5-6 weeks and i had ERPC at 11 weeks.

NO WAY i'd tell some other woman to get over it or you're being a wuss or pressure her into going back to work.

i'm very on your behalf.

Thank you expat. Am glad nobody thinks I am being unreasonable- I cant see why they would but there is always a fear that someone will!!

Had a lovely evening. Got into the function room, sat down, didnt move except to go to the loo to sort myself out. Friend running the do was very lovely and gave me a hug which I desperately need right now. DH is constantly hugging me but right now I need lady friend cuddles- so much better.

MIL kept her trap shut. Not a word. Luckily a friend of mine from work sat near me and wanted to know every detail of how I was, I obliged for an hour (!) then the entertainment started so me and MIL didnt talk much. She did buy me a pint of guiness though to 'build me up from bleeding so much'. So it was a good night. A good tonic actually. just what I needed. Change of scenery and a pint.

Will defo be going to Dr on monday and asking for some time off work. I need some time to myself to get over this. Plus the bleeding is so bad I wouldnt be able to work anyway. like a period? my arse!! Also I need my head together for my job, I manage 15 people and work in a pharmacy and I cant give it 100% concentration right now which is just downright dangerous.

Something really sad heppened tonight- when I'm pregnant I get paranoid bout lying on my back- some friend with a nice horror story that stuck in my head. Leant right back in my seat tonight cos have had backache and jumped up quick then remembered that there is no baby there I keep forgetting.

(((hugs))) TMMIL. Really glad you had a good night tonight.
I think from all the responses you have already had, you now know for sure who is being VERY unreasonable and who is absolutely NOT! It's all been said already but you must absolutely do whatever is right for you. I had a mmc in october and it amazed me how much it affected me. Then we lost our little boy at 17 weeks last month and for one reason and another I've hardly had any time off yet and I'm absolutely on my knees... Physically I'm ok now, but mentally and emotionally I've never been so drained. This will be my last week at work until the middle of June and I'm so desperate for the break. I have ever decreasing patience with people who say insensitive things to me atm - if they're not careful one of them will be in for a milkgodess style reply very soon! If you'd like us to, I'm sure a few of us here would be only too happy to have a quick vent at your MIL for you!
Can you and your DH get away together for a bit, just the 2 of you? Really glad you're taking care of each other. xx

Nothing to add (no cocking way are YBU but you know that ) but I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

Your MIL sounds really abominable.

I think you need to tell her where to shove it.

No two people experience mc the same, it's not her place to dictate how you should respond. Who does she think she is?

It took me a long long time to 'get over' my mc, it was enormously tough, how it effects each of us is unique, you need to look after yourself and forget about looking after her expectation imo!

I'm so so sorry for your loss and empathise very much.

tmmilomh, so glad you had a good evening, does sound like it was a good tonic.

a pint and a little laughter, is the worlds best medicine, and i should know being a pharmacist an all!
tis my professional advice

your so right aswell a dispensary is a v dangerous place to be if your not able to concentrate.

perhaps your mil sense your where ready for her.
so glad to hear your doing well today
let us know how you get on at the drs on monday

Are you a pharmacist??!!

Do you work in community or hospital??

I'm a senior pharmacy technician in hospital. I love it but right now I dont think its right place for me.....

Thank you so much for your support milkgoddess. I was thinking of you when I was sat there last night ready for an arguement!!

Kate- I have seen what you have been through recently. I am so sorry. my heart goes out to you

Take as much time as you need; there is no right or wrong way. You do what you need to.

I took just one day off when I had my mc at 7 weeks. - the day of the scan. Was a huge mistake and I ended up suffering a few weeks down the road. Was a silly thing to do in hindsight, but I did what I thought other people were expecting em to do, rather than what I needed to do.

community, but im about to hand in my notice to be a lady that lunches.
with dd of course!

your welcome to my support anytime
your mil really pissed me off.
great to know that you where thinking of me when preparing to argue back with the old cow bag.

hope you get on ok at the drs tomorrow.

Will let you know. Dont wanna get upset- after all this is the Dr that turned me away when I went to see him with spotting

Little did I know that the baby was already gone then

I'm thinking that after all of this I need to get me a back bone and seriously stop listening to anybody but myself, DH and MN!!

kate, you how i justify my responses to cowbags like tmmilomy mil?
that im doing it for their own good!.
ive found its good to run out of patience with people who say insensitive things.

they shouldnt give it out if they cant take it back.....

i dont think ive seen any of your posts before, but then i have a v bad memory for posters names, but good luck to you

Thanks milkgoddess - great name by the way! DH thinks I should be kinder to people and that they're only trying to help, he's probably right, but sometimes I'm not so sure! BF the other day: "well, at least you know you can have a baby" ME: "Yes, but I'm not sure it counts if they're dead"

Good luck tomorrow TMMIL - I reckon it might be time to cry hysterically until he gives you what you want to get rid of you! And fwiw I think not listening to anyone but yourself, your DH and MN is ABSOLUTELY the way to go! xx

tmmilomh, the only opinions i care about are mine, dd then dh.
your dr better be extra nice to you then.
if he/she gives you any shit, tell him/her that you should of been sent for a scan when you where spotting, and your not at all pleased you weren't.

kate, im a big beliver of letting it out, nothing worse than repressed anger.
if someone says anything insenstive to me, i certainly let them know its not accepeotable.
then its gone and done, where as some people do say anything back but just interalise it so to speak iykwim?

Ban your mother in law from the house until she can stop saying things that upset you.
Sorry to hear about your loss.

Just wanted to say hello and hope you are bearing up today

so sorry to hear about your loss- agree with the various posts about keepign clear of your mil.How are you bearing up today?

I had 2 missed m/c and you absolutely do need that time off - I didn't take as much time off as I should and it took me much longer to get over it physically/mentally than it probably woudl have done if I'd stayed home.

and you're absolutely dead right - just cos lots of people have m/c doesn't mean that they are not absolutely hideous and devestating.

take good care of yourself xx

Have been for a big fat starbucks today which is exactly what I needed.

Pain has been hideous today and bleeding is like a floodgate has been opened but my 2 best friends are coming over soon and am looking forward to a backrub and a cry. I'm gonna try to convince them to change my always for me cos its doing my head in but not sure if their friendship goes that far!!

I felt so emotional earlier in the week but to be honest I feel really flat now. Like I've run out of tears. How heartless is that?

Not heard from MIL. Prob for the best. DH and DD are all I need right now.

You poor love.

I had a mc when I was 11wks pg, 3 years ago on June 14th, and one of the reasons why I don't see my ILs very much now, is because of something tactless my MIL said over the phone a few days afterwards (actually having dealt with her hissy fits over the years, it was the "straw that broke the camels back"!)

Your MIL should piss off take a long walk off a short pier! Get to the doctors tomorrow and get signed off, and don't give a stuff what she says.

Have you tried taking some paracetamol for the pain?

The best thing I have found to be honest is a hot water bottle. fabulous. Why dont they hand them out in delivery suites?? I never realised the power of the hot water bottle til now- I truly realise the healing qualities of the rubber heat giver now.

tmmiofmh - hope a good session with your friends really helps ..but try some nurofen plus or get gp to give you some dihydrocodeine. It was the only thing that helps at the god I don't want to move/bad bleeding stage.

Keep on with the hot water bottle then, but keep painkillers (and wine and chocolate!) on stand-by!
And get that DH of yours to keep his mother away from you for a while!

I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this.

As a GP, I wouldn't have to think twice about signing you off work for a bit in these circumstances. You are neither physically nor mentally well enough to be working at present. I hope it all goes OK for you tomorrow.

As for your MIL, she sounds like a really unpleasant bint.

Thank you Emma. Its good to hear a GP point of view.

Hi, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks (I guess it was a CP really, but can't bring myself to call it that). It was bad enough for me, I can't imagine what you're going through.

I carried on working as I didn't want to think about it. I was in the middle of a high pressure project at work and I thought it would take my mind off it.

I carried on like a robot, and the project was delivered successfully. But two weeks later I completely fell apart. Carrying on was the worst thing. I should have stayed at home crying in my dressing gown.

My MIL was rather insensitive too, but nothing like yours is being. She realised how bad she was being and apologised.

Please stay off work for as long as you need to. Take care of yourself xx