to take some time off work after a missed miscarriage?

[takemyMILoffmyhands]

Have namechanged.

Found out on Monday that I have had a missed miscarriage. Was supposed to be 8 weeks, my tiny baby was asleep with no heartbeat

I had been spotting all weekend and was very tearful but was told by MIL to stop whinging and be more positive.

When we told her the news on Monday her 1st words were 'oh, and you spent all that money on a scan' (we had paid for a private scan the week before which showed a tiny bean with a heartbeat.)

I have been sent home to miscarry naturally which to be quite honest, emotionally this has been very draining. It has been quite painful, messy and have been bleeding very heavily since Wednesday. Each day it has got steadily worse and although I feel less distressed and in shock than I did earlier in the week, I have found the bleeding very upsetting. MIL has been very good, offering reassurance but often refers to her own experience (she had a D&C the day after she found out) and I get the feeling she thinks I am making a fuss.

However, despite all her 'wise words' the thing that is really sticking in my throat is that she keeps telling me to go back to work. I am not being rescanned to see that everything is gone til the 27th and am seeing GP on Monday to see if he will sign me off until at least then. Mentally and physically I dont feel like I can draw a line under all this until I see the scan and stop bleeding, at least as heavily. MIL thinks that I should go back next week and it seems that everytime DH leaves the room she brings it up. She told me last night that I need to 'get over it' and get back to work. I dont feel strong enough and I am still miscarrying. I dont think I have even 'passed' the worst of it yet. Although she does keep telling me that she doesnt know what I am so worried about re;the bleeding and it should just be like a period cos there 'was nothing really there at that many weeks'.

I am not skiving off work, I work in a high pressured job and dont feel I can do it right now til I am over this. I feel so sad that she is being so heatless. Or is it just me being a wuss? She is making me feel like I am just being weak about it. Am I?

Lots of hugs and sympathy, and agree with the others who suggest MIL is not the best company right now. Every person has a different physical (and emotional obv) experience. I've had 2 m/c's, both at 7-8 weeks. The first was very light just like a period, and the second was very long and very painful, and extremely draining. Every person and every experience is different, she is mad to suggest that you "should" be feeling a particular way. And don't feel guilty or wimpy for the way you are feeling, if you feel rough, that's more than enough of a reason for you to be taking it easy. And that's even without considering the emotional side, as it's bloody hard to be professional and normal when you're all over the place.

Ignore your MIL and try and keep out of her way, and look after yourself xxx

I am so sorry. I read an article in the Mail on Sunday's You magazine about one womans experiance of this yesterday. I know every one is different but it might help you to read it. Think you can look online at them.

I'm so, so sorry, and really feel for you. Everyone here has given such good advice, but for what it's worth here's some more, if you still need it.

I had m/c in March, and after first scan at hospital the consultant came to explain what the ultrasound report meant and pretty categorically said to me 'You need to take two weeks off work. You might think you're OK before that but you'll find it hits you when you're not expecting it'.

There are just no rules as to how much time you'll need. For me that two weeks did turn out to be just about right, but that doesn't mean I was 'better', just more able to manage. It certainly helped that the doctor gave me 'permission' to take some proper time.

I really hope this thread has helped to ease some of the stress. If you need anyone to talk to, please come and join us on the mc avengers thread; we're always good for a hug and a piece of cake. Take care. xx

Thank you Daisy-and everyone else for your support.

Went to see the GP today and he signed me off for 2 weeks.

Today has absolutely been the WORST day. Bleeding very bad, pain excruciating. DH in his infinite wisdom invited a man round to value the house . I parked myself in the armchair thinking 'I'll just chill out while they talk figures then I'll go up to bed.' The cat jumps on me for a cuddle and starts doing that funny kneading thing that cats do- right on my tummy. The bloke got to the point of saying 'shall we put it on the market today?' and I suddenly felt the floodgates open. Swiped the cat off me and could just feel everything falling out of me. The pain was awful, the house went on the market and he talked for ages. He eventually went, I ran upstairs and there was just blood everywhere. DH put me in the bath with blood absolutely pumping out of me, he just had to keep letting the water out and refilling the bath. It was horrible. Its stopped now, am on the sofa with a hot water bottle. And the worst thing is, I dont think the sac has come away yet (god knows how I would know) so may have more to come and DH is back at work tomorrow. Sorry to put this on the AIBU thread but am just so shocked at what has happened today. I feel absolutely drained. And very very scared.

I am so sorry. Thank goodness you took the time off.

TMMILOMY, have you considered phoning the hospital or NHS Direct? That does sound very heavy indeed. If it was me, I would want some professional advice.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please take care.

It is very very heavy- but what is too heavy? The nurse said to me that if I pass out dial 999 I've not passed out.

very sorry for your experience. there is certainly some good feedback and support and what to expect during this time here on this thread. as far as your MIL goes, i have experience in that department. i find it interesting that the woman doesn't say anything about your MC when DH is in the room. she probably thinks that your DH has to stay home because you are wimpy which is maybe why she doesn't comment on him taking time off. that generation does come from a time when these types of situations weren't discussed and you just sucked it up and got on with; don't bother your husband about it iykwim, which is likely why she doesn't talk about it in front of him (or she knows she'd get a bollocking from him). tell her to stick it up her arse and ban her till you feel better. watch lots of funny stuff and eat lots of comfort food.

and how does one dial 999 when they've passed out?

It might be a good idea to phone the hospital (or nhs direct) if the bleeding is really heavy, they might ask how often you are having to change pads (sorry if TMI), it might help if you are feeling really scared to talk to someone who can put your mind at rest.

Be kind to yourself, nobody can know how you feel, even if they have been through a miscarriage themselves, everybody is different, and no-one can predict how they will feel when they suffer any kind of a loss. I hope you are ok, and you take all the time you need.

If you are flooding, passing large clots of feeling dizzy on standing, please ring the gynecology ward or EPAU where you have been seen for advice. Don't wait until you are at the stage of almost losing consciousness!

have just read the whole thread from start to finish. so sorry for you TMMIL and for everyone else who has suffered like this.

take care of yourselves xxx

Sorry for your loss, I haven't read the whole thread. Re bleeding I would call NHS direct now and call the EPU in the morning if you can.
I had a miscarrage 3 years ago, I was very fustrated that I couldn't 'snap out of it' and 'get over it' I had 2 and a half weeks off, and should have taken more. I found another website www.silentgrief.com very helpful, its very american christian, but was very comforting at the time, but I didn't know about mumsnet then!
The best advice I got was - you won't ever 'get over it, you will learn to live with it' Now mc affects everyone differently, it depends on how much you have bonded with your baby, I was knocked sideways, when I recently had my dd I cried again. I had a D&C. The due date was really hard, so was the anniversary of the mc, but it did get easier

Hi TMMIL, have been lurking to see how you are, and just seen your posts from yesterday re how heavy the bleeding has been ! Please please call the epu. Mine told me to call them if I was having to change a pad more than every 20mins and it sounds like you're way beyond that. Waiting til the 999 stage is ridiculous and puts you at unnecessary risk.
Sorry if this is tmi, but this is what I was told: when your body is trying to pass something - like the sack or in my case the placenta, bleeding very heavily is your body's way of trying to flush it out (know how dreadful that sounds) Sometimes your body just can't do it on its own and that it when you need to think about an erpc. How would you feel aboue having one? I had one with my mmc and would DEFINITELY have one again if I have to. You do have to have a general, but I was literally under for less than 15mins. When I woke up there was no pain, I felt a bit tired but not too bad. I was bleeding, but nothing like what you are experiencing. For me, what you are going through sounds FAR more traumatic, and I think you've had more than enough trauma for now . You're only admitted as a day patient and your DH should be able to stay with you. I know everyone has different experiences of this and will have different opinons, all I can do is tell you mine. But please please call them, at the very least they should scan you to see if the sack has already passed.
Thinking of you today

So sorry

I think it might be a generational thing with your MIL. My mum had no support when she miscarried or when she had stillborn twins. She was treated very dismissively by all her family. When my SIL had a miscarriage a few years back mum was amazed by how much support she was offered. It might also be that your MIL is trying to be cruel to be kind - hoping that chivvying you will help you to get back to normal. For brisk, no-nonsense sort of people, that is they way they cope. Not helpful obviously and you or DH need to tell her so.

Hi everyone.

Was admitted to hospital last night to monitor bleeding. After I left a message yesterday, went to the loo and everything came out- sac, clots, half my womb I think. So we went off to hospital to get checked over and to give them the sac (I have the best DH in the world- after sobbing hysterically, he fished OUR BABY out of the loo for me and boxed it up- all whilst retching uncontrollably) {grin]

Had a very distressing experience at the hospital- had clots manually removed from my cervix/womb/vagina with a huge pair of scissors with a view to going to theatre this morning if bleeding had not subsided. Luckily it did the trick despite it being the most degrading, distressing thing that has ever happened to me (think my legs being held open while I'm crying and asking them to stop ). I know the Dr was doing it for my own good cos the clots she removed were massive- it was just so distressing.

The bleeding has slowed now though thanks to that.

Hopefully this is the end of a very long sad episode.

I just want to say your support has been fantastic- both about MIL but also MMC in general. I dont think I would have got through it without support on this thread. I obviously still feel very sad and upset at losing my baby and it has been so traumatic, but now I feel I can start to mentally recover from it, now that the worst of the MC is over. When I lay in the hospital on my own last night I realised that for the past year+ I have been obsessed with getting pregnant and wanting a baby and I have forgotten what i have already got- a FAB DH and a beautiful DD. And after this god awful experience we are having a break and being kind to ourselves, going on holiday and generally enjoying eachother again.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for your help and I'm gonna be ok

Your post has just made me cry, TMMIL, I'm so sad that you had to go through that, but glad you are sounding so strong, and that you have a lovely dh and dd to move forward with. Good luck and take care of yourself

TMMIL, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for what you've had to go through. You are absolutely right to take a break - losing a baby is absolutely devastating. I lost my first dd at 21 weeks almost 3 years ago, and just had a mmc which turned out to be a molar pregnancy. Thought I was doing ok, because it was so different to dd1, so much earlier and all that, but it hit me hard last week, and I had to take leave just to be sad and fed up. We had a lovely holiday after losing dd1 - the best holiday ever, oddly enough - and it did me a lot of good. I hope you have a good break, recover, and your MIL comes to her senses somehow.

So sorry to hear this, I had been thinking about you. What an awful experience. I hope they were kind to you in the hospital.

You are absolutely right - the best thing you can do from here on is be very good to yourself, dh and dd and give yourself loads of time to heal. Take care

((((((HUGS))))))

Sorry to hear about what happened overnight.

I hope that you are getting the chance to rest and recover MIL-less.

Best wishes.

i've been thinking about you too.
so glad you have the best dh ever. imagine if he was useless ?!

enjoy your holiday and take care of you, dh and dd. xx

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poor you. you are very brave!!

keep relying on us MNers to help you through and your DH who sounds like a good guy

ignore you mil. she's a twat

take as much time as you need and dont follow anybody elses guidelines, this is your life and your emotions not anybody elses

i hope you feel stronger soon x