to take some time off work after a missed miscarriage?

[takemyMILoffmyhands]

Have namechanged.

Found out on Monday that I have had a missed miscarriage. Was supposed to be 8 weeks, my tiny baby was asleep with no heartbeat

I had been spotting all weekend and was very tearful but was told by MIL to stop whinging and be more positive.

When we told her the news on Monday her 1st words were 'oh, and you spent all that money on a scan' (we had paid for a private scan the week before which showed a tiny bean with a heartbeat.)

I have been sent home to miscarry naturally which to be quite honest, emotionally this has been very draining. It has been quite painful, messy and have been bleeding very heavily since Wednesday. Each day it has got steadily worse and although I feel less distressed and in shock than I did earlier in the week, I have found the bleeding very upsetting. MIL has been very good, offering reassurance but often refers to her own experience (she had a D&C the day after she found out) and I get the feeling she thinks I am making a fuss.

However, despite all her 'wise words' the thing that is really sticking in my throat is that she keeps telling me to go back to work. I am not being rescanned to see that everything is gone til the 27th and am seeing GP on Monday to see if he will sign me off until at least then. Mentally and physically I dont feel like I can draw a line under all this until I see the scan and stop bleeding, at least as heavily. MIL thinks that I should go back next week and it seems that everytime DH leaves the room she brings it up. She told me last night that I need to 'get over it' and get back to work. I dont feel strong enough and I am still miscarrying. I dont think I have even 'passed' the worst of it yet. Although she does keep telling me that she doesnt know what I am so worried about re;the bleeding and it should just be like a period cos there 'was nothing really there at that many weeks'.

I am not skiving off work, I work in a high pressured job and dont feel I can do it right now til I am over this. I feel so sad that she is being so heatless. Or is it just me being a wuss? She is making me feel like I am just being weak about it. Am I?

Oh that's good takemyMIL, at least you don't have to feel like you're hiding the truth then.

It's such a horrible thing to go through, I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.

Hope you get the time (and space) that you need.

I truly would not wish this on anyone.

Thanks PPC.

back again. does she live with you, your MIL? if not, the cheek of her, inviting people round to yours especially at this time.

I was trying to be charitable towards her, but I'm coming round to the milk goddess's way of thinking

Your work sound lovely. Mine knew as well. I work in an office full of blokes and they were all great. A few of their wives had been through it so they knew how I was feeling. They were very gentle with me when I went back as well.

You need to tell her to give you and your DH some space. Where is he in all this; is he sticking up for you, or just trying to keep her happy? I know my DH takes the "Oh, that's just Mum" line when mine is being arsey, and says it's not worth the aggro falling out with her (he did it once and she didn't speak to him for weeks apparently). I think the reason she is the way she is, is that she's allowed to get away with it. I think you need to be firm with her, even though you probably aren't feeling like getting into anything with her. I'd say to her that if she isn't prepared to respect your feelings then she can take a hike leave you alone for a few days!

Hi - just read thru, and I can't believe what an absolute cow your mil is being. You have got enough to deal with at the moment without her adding to it. Can you stay away from her? You MUST NOT listen to anything she says!

at her inviting pregnant sil over - how insensitive can she be. Well done for coping with it.

Is she v protective over your dh by any chance? Do you think maybe she wants you to move on quick so that he can stop being so upset/worried about you? I've a friend with a nightmare mil, and her 'logic' is rather twisted at times.

Think you know that I've got 3 weeks off which I'm v glad about, you should absolutely definately have as much time as you need. This is YOUR life, and it's you who needs to find a path through this devastating time - your mil probably won't even give it a second thought in years to come.

MIL doesnt live with us, no.

She is very very protective of both her children. DH and SIL really can do no wrong!!

DH is very understanding, has listened to me have a moan about MIL but he really is not the type to bring it up and confront her. That is usually my job but really dont feel up to it right now

Unfortunately we have a charity do to go to tonight. Wasnt gonna go but am sick of sitting in the house TBH so am gonna go for a couple of hours and MIL is going. Have told DH in no uncertain terms that I am not her friend right now!! He has promised to stick up for me if anything is said.

Good luck, hope she doesn't upset you...

Definitely wouldn't be at work whilst you are still bleeding, I had a sudden major blood loss similar to Evenhope, on day 6. Soaked through pads every 10min for several hrs, had no idea it could be so heavy for so long, as had d&c with previous m/c.
Apart from the physical side of things, you need time to get your head around not being pregnant anymore, and being able to handle that in public.
Everyone is different, take as much time as you think you need. & avoid mil for as long as possible, or get dh to tell her to keep her comments to herself right now, she certainly isn't helping [shock

I hope she doesn't upset you either.......am thinking of the "if you can come out socialising you can go to work" comments.

Make DH aware that if you feel at all not right you are going to call it a night early and that you need him to back you up.....

.....and take lots of sanitary towels with you as well. You really don't want to be caught short at a time like this.

I hope you manage to have a good time regardless of your dragon mother-in-law

I'm worried that the blood loss is starting to go that way!! Its got steadily faster everyday since Wednesday.

my poor baby

I was thinking of that too Daisy!! Better be prepared with an answer. Would feel bad not going- its a fundraiser for a close family friend whos son died of encephalitis. We always go and it would only involve sitting all night and watching a show. Will take lots of pads and keep a low profile. DH is adament that if I feel ill or tearful we should leave.

Have barely left the house all week and that in itself is bloody upsetting!!!!

Definitely go prepared with pads, and wear black. Might sound obvious but I had denim on the day I was caught out and was soaked through and had to catch a train home with dd1 in tow
Hope tonight is enjoyable and the change of scenery does you good.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm astounded at how awfully your MIL is behaving towards you. It's beyond me how anyone could be so tactless (at best) and downright mean (at worst) when you have lost a longed-for baby.

Is she always this horrid to you ? It almost seems as if she is relishing the opportunity to stick the boot in and I don't quite understand how she's able to say so much. Unless she lives with you, I'd block her on all phones for the time being and get your DH (as he's offered to intervene) to tell her to politely - or not so politely - eff off. She's not needed and definitely not wanted until she can keep a civil tongue and actually contribute something helpful.

Your actual physical experience sounds very similar to my own and I know exactly what you mean about "toilet fear" ..... being very obviously reminded several times a day of what's happened. In my case, I think I bled heavily for about 3 weeks and I definitely didn't want to be at work during that time. Not only was I experiencing some discomfort, I could not have coped with the concern of people who knew - and equally, would have found it hard to cope with those who didn't know, who'd have quite understandably been going about their business as if nothing had happened. And that was before you got on to external clients, some of whom could be very difficult at the best of times. I was consumed by what had happened/was happening still for quite some time and I'm sure that had I been at work I would have ended up breaking down in tears and/or crying at some point.

Remember that what you are experiencing is a bereavement ..... and that this is compounded by physical symptoms (bleeding, pain) as well as by having your hormones tipped upside down. I'm glad your workplace are being so understanding. Their reaction - and that of your DH (who sounds very considerate to have taken time off to be with you) - is the only one you should be wasting any time worrying about. Your MIL sounds like a bitter old bitch.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't believe how insensitive your MIL is being, hope you do manage to enjoy tonight.

Thanks guys.

I am going to try and relax for a couple of hours tonight. Thanks for the tip Scully, have dug out some old black trousers and will take LOTS of pads and some feminine wipes as well.

MIL is usually so good- always blunt but she has upset me this time. We are a very close family and they are so supportive but her blunt harshness never changes. I am lucky- DH has been an angel. And FIL has been lovely- when he heard he rushed straight over (he wasnt there when we told MIL) and hugged me while I had a good cry.

I dont think my MIL will ever change- I just need to learn to steer clear if I'm feeling particuarly low.

As a matter of interest, my mum who can be a right old boot and is usually the one to REALLY put her foot in it has been inconsolable and barely able to comprehend it I had to console her when I broke the news.

Nowt so queer as folk.

You're very brave to go out tonight, and hope it's not too difficult.

After that, please mope as much as you want. As others have said, there's lots of support on here if you want it.

Brave or stupid??

I wouldnt go if the person wasnt such a close friend and it wasnt such tragic circumstances. Puts what I am going through into perspective. She lost her 17 year old son at christmas 8 years ago. very sad.

bit of entertainment, bit of food, blackout and a raffle then home. Hopefully with my dignity intact.

To be honest I think if I had an accident, it would top off such a shit week I may not be able to control my hysteria.

And I must say Mumsnet is the only thing that has kept me sane this week. There are a couple of us going through this sad event at the same time and talking to them has been a great help.

I'm blubbing again.......

good luck tonight tmmilomh i really hope you get a break, be prepared for any negative comments and make it clear they not welcome
or acceptable
make your dh aware that you expect him to say something if she steps out of line

personally had i of been on the recieving nd of any of her nasty comments at a time like this id simply and calmly ask you mean to be so tactless and unkind? or are you just thoughtless. as yoy might not realise it but your comments of x yz have made me feel xyz

that might make the bitch think.

will you post on here tomorrow and let us know how you are?

thinking of you.
you brave wonderful woman.

sock it to em!!!

Well, yes, her loss might 'put it in perspective' but you're still going through your own tragic loss here, so don't diminish it.

If you're feeling too weepy, then no shame in backing out. Your friend will understand (does she know you're going through this?)

My friend does know and is eager for me to go because she wants to have a chat. she is so supportive- anything you are going through in life she will be there with advice.

Milkgoddess- thank you, you have been brill today, so funny!!

I will post tomorrow and let you know how I am. Me and DH have just been having a real giggle practising 'I'm sorry, did someone say something?!' faces.

When I heard people say they had miscarriages before all this, it kinda went over my head. Everyone seems to have them right? Never again, its the most god awful experience I've ever been through. Maybe I'm lucky, people go through a lot worse e.g. my friend but I can honestly say I have never felt so sad and bereft ever. Yeah, it is common, but my god its so emotionally painful.

I'm so sorry to hear that some of you here have been through it too.

aww thanks, its my pleasure to help

Hi takeMy MILoffMyHands, I've taken four weeks off work (after losing at 16 weeks). Like you I have a pressured job but I realised that if I am away then they deal with you not being there but if you are back, they expect you to be 100%. As a boss I must admit I would prefer somebody to be out until they were recovered. In the end, much as we like to think we are, none of us are indespensible so I have decided to think of me and nt them!

Have been down to the pub for two hours tonight, my first outing since the bad news. Successfully managed to not cry in the pub (wept all the way home though) as DH had warned everyone not to be nice to me. Sympathy sets me off and I don't want to go through what happened with people, I have mumsnet for that

PS try and rise above your MIL, some people won't change so we just have to grit our teeth and ignore them. Stressing about it makes us suffer not them. Hope this doesn't sound unsympathetic because I certainly don't mean it to be but have just met too many people like this in my life and refuse to make myself unhappy due to their actions.

i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.it is an emotional and draining time.i was given 4 weeks off by my gp as i couldn't face work [i'm a nurse]myself and my dh went to the coast for a few days to a place that we love and each placed a rose in the sea to say goodbye.we found it really helped to get away and be by ourselves.take care x

she's behaving like a bitch and i would tell her to shut up.

seriously.

you need time to heal.

this is between you and your DOCTOR and none of her business how much time you take off work.

she's behaving like a bitch and i would tell her to shut up.

seriously.

you need time to heal.

this is between you and your DOCTOR and none of her business how much time you take off work.