He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

I meant the poster’s 51 year old pal had donor eggs. So quoting her as a success story isn’t really helpful to the OP, who has indicated she doesn’t want to do IVF anyway.

Yes, see my previous post!

I always think this when there are stories about celebrities having babies in their 50s too. Chances are they either froze eggs or embryos at a younger age or used donor eggs.

"I'd give up on the baby, that ship has sailed."

No, not necessarily, but I'd cut my losses, get off the pill, consider a sperm donor , etc. I also think you need some counselling yourself. Be kind to yourself and honest.

Firstly get off the pill. You should not put your health at risk for his benefit. He can use condoms. We did and after 15 years became pregnant when we chose to. It is a reliable contraception.

You know you will never be likely to have a child now. Age is against you from getting pregnant and finding a partner. If this was something you really wanted then I think you would have pushed harder than you have done and I don’t think (from your post) that you are financially or emotionally strong to go solo.

But can you stay with him and get over the resentment of how he strung you along? Make the decision child /no child then finish the house and see if relationship is repairable. He hasn’t been honest because if he had said so 8 years ago then you would have moved on.

I had my last (4th) child at 41 so it is possible to go and have a child. I think you will hold this against him in years to come if you didn't at least try for a baby and you will split anyway and how would you feel if you split and he went on to have a child with someone else? I got talking to a woman on the bus a number of years back who at age ,52 and having never been able to find the right partner went to a sperm bank and had her little boy. Said it was the best thing she had ever done.

Don’t waste anymore time on this man, you will resent him for the rest of your life if you do … and understandably so. He has broken his promise, if he’d told you he didn’t want kids at the beginning you wouldn’t have continued the relationship. It’s a deal breaker so give him the ring back and tell him having children is a deal breaker and so here’s your ring. And you’ll be calling an agent to get property valued etc.
with what you get from the property, get a sperm donor and become the mother you long to be.

you are not unreasonable at all, I would be getting my ducks in a row and planning my future ..of which he won’t be a part of. I see this as a betrayal on his part, you had life plans and he just decides to change them and expect you to go along with it. No, not how this works. He’s got to go, trust has gone

He, being a man, has still many years left where he can change his mind on having children - or not. You, being a woman and 40+, do not have that luxury. Knowing myself, at this stage, I would stop taking my pill - ánd tell him ! That or regretting u till you're a 100 you never grabbed the chance to have a child when you still had the possibility. And yes, I would prefer raising a child on my own ober not havi g a child at all. (Of course these are only my personal feelings, maybe to you it feels totally different.)

Hi OP your DP needed a baby ultimatum 5 years ago, not just now, so you had time to act, if he then said he wasn’t ready when you were 36. You could’ve found another partner in time. He dicked about yes, and gone back on an agreement, but you have just let him do this, with no pressure on him, about your feelings on the matter. Hes let your clock run down. You need to have it out with him once n for all. If he won’t change his mind then unfortunately it’s probably the end of the road for your relationship

You’re not and if he doesn’t want kids walk away now so you can still have kids! I never wanted kids but I have 2 and love them more than anything!! You don’t have the luxury of waiting to see.

My partner and I agreed we didn't want children when I was 16 and he was 19. We happily lived together for over 10 years, but I changed my mind at 30. I wanted children. He was a good man, and we talked about it. I told him it was make or break, we either have children or go our separate ways. Thankfully, he agreed, and we had two fabulous sons. At 40, you are getting very close to not being able to conceive. You need a strict conversation and an ultimatum. Have children or split up. You will always be angry with him if you don't do something

My exH did this, hence he is now an ex.

your DP has seriously messed you around BIG time! This is a major life decision and he has left you hanging while you are now in a possibly trickier time to ttc. Not impossible though.
Personally I could never forgive or forget this, so if he doesn’t change his mind personally I’d leave him. Id rather have the chance and if he is any sort of substance he will too. But be ready for he won’t and even if he does do you want him as a fellow parent?
if you’re serious check out sperm donor ivf clinics, London, Barcelona and India specialise in women over 40. Good luck.

If he doesn't want children, and you do, then he can be the person responsible for birth control. Get off the pill, contraception is no longer your problem. The real problem here is whether or not he's willing to walk the talk or has he already walked the talk? Has he had, or is he going to have, a vasectomy? If he has not yet had a vasectomy then what he may be saying is he doesn't want children with you. If he is willing to let you age out of fecundity but unwilling to curtail his own reproductive system, then you have your answer.

Waiting over a year before he told you while letting you be the person responsible for birth control is manipulative and selfish because it signaled to you that he was willing to have children. That was him stealing fertile time from you. That's not a little thing, it's huge, and massively self-consumed.

He has stolen precious time from you and betrayed you at a fundamental level.

You are someone who knows how to be in a long term relationship and you are very patient and have worked on yourself. You will find another partner who will love you and want children with you. People come and go in our lives and we have to let them. It is not easy.

Had an uncomplicated pregnancy, full term healthy baby at 42 via donor sperm. First attempt at assisted conception too ( and I had a long term gynaecological problem as well).
If you really want to be a mum. It can happen. There are always individuals who defy the statistics. Living proof with my DC. 😀

You are not overreacting op.

If you would not have bought the house with him knowingly you won’t have children then you need to separate and figure out where you both are.

You know very well that it isn’t great to separate when things in life happen (loss of parents, change of family dynamic…etc…) but children is something you could really get resentful for so you need to figure it out if there is a future or not.

I am sorry op. Good luck🌺

This is what I would do OP. However, I would tell him first that you are coming off contraception and he can shit or get off the pot, so to speak. If he’s not up for that get some donor sperm or look for a coparent . You can always try self insemination first if you don’t want to do IVF.

Step into your power , OP. You have so much more than you think xx

What about from the POV of the new human being created? It wouldn’t be a child for long. No father. Older single mother it might get stick taking care of just as it’s entering the prime of life.

People need to put their own emotions on the back burner and think about the implications of these choices.

People are forgetting they live in a Reno as well which means unless they likely both want to loose a shit ton of money or one of them privately has more money they have to slog it out at least financially for a while yet even if they separated.

Also for every 1 happy got pregnant at 40 will be many more who it never happened for false hope isn’t hope.

Definetly worth trying a counselling session don't just throw it away unless you have both tried everything to fix it. Now days people come up against problems and just split up

Ahh OP I feel for you. As someone that has had 2 unplanned pregnancies I feel like I have a different take on this situation.

Me and my partner did not plan our last pregnancy - and honestly I was at such a high with my career, and we weren’t where we wanted to be financially at all - so I would have been ok if we didn’t have a baby - at all. We said we would in the future, but I could tell he didn’t want children either. Now that our son is here we are both invested. He loves his baby so much. So whilst many say “If he doesn’t want kids he won’t be a good dad” - I don’t agree, I know many men that are invested in their children regardless of the situation with the mum. But the idea of a child and actually having one are 2 different things, and the idea of having one when there is so much turmoil is scary - so I can see why he is backtracking.

BUT I want to add that falling pregnant by accident and “planning” behind your partners back are very different scenarios. It can lead to resentment. You could tell your partner that you are coming off contraception, you want a baby and you will take on the consequences - but cover yourself. Or - you could leave and start again. But it sounds like he has gone through alot and perhaps counselling could help you guys.

The question is, would you be happy to be with him for 18+ years.

Im always fascinated by the idea of planning a pregnancy and I’m sure it’s different - but I’ve also known people that plan pregnancies and the relationship crumbles anyway.

Tough decisions!

Just saw your update op ,about being autistic.
I'm autistic to ,I was diagnosed via NHS at age 50
By then I'd already had 4 children,two are diagnosed autistic as they have high support needs and will never live alone
The other two are quite intense and set in their ways ,and if they got diagnosed age 50 like me ,I wouldn't be surprised.
I was quite intense as a mother ,I couldn't work because of the hospital appointments for my eldest DC ,and both autistic DC were not in school for the majority of their school days .. adults now ,but I'm still their carer and they are not in school or work .
I definitely would not of coped caring for them with a job as well.
And I definitely would not of coped caring for them as a single mum and having to have a job
I could of worked and been an excellent employee,but no way could I of juggled a job ,a family , autistic children,a house ,a husband and all the cleaning that goes with a house and family

I wouldn't of given you the advice I did up thread if I'd known you were autistic.

I think you need to decide if you want him without a child or a child without him. If the former he needs to take responsibility for contraception and have a vasectomy (after all he doesn’t want children) - this would reassure me that he wasn’t going to find a younger model and have children with them when it was too late for me. If the latter you may have to consider fertility treatment and being a lone parent. It may still not happen for you- but would you be forever resentful of him if you stayed. If you stayed might he consider fostering at a later time and would that fulfill you?

edited to say: perhaps being faced with a vasectomy might make him really see if he wants children or is prepared to end his potential to have children

8 years is a significant time lag from when you first got together. Being middle aged, it’s perhaps not so unexpected for at least one of you to have this change of heart by now.

Regarding your pill, it’s obviously causing upsetting side effects for you, could you perhaps switch to a different one, switch to condoms, or perhaps try a hormonal coil?

If you are sure you don’t want the opportunity to try and meet and potentially conceive with someone else, it’s worth going to counselling to explore further, as there is nothing to lose.

Before you end a relationship with a man you love (albeit one who has totally dicked you around), it's really important that you understand that, if you are not willing to go through IVF, you are extremely unlikely to fall pregnant, either with him or with another man.

Women do fall naturally pregnant in their 40s, but they have almost exclusively had children previously. A natural, first-time pregnancy in your 40s is so unlikely.

Dear OP, I feel so sorry for you. There's been some good advice on here, most of which, basically, says put yourself first - NOW.

With which I'd agree. You. First. Now.
Counselling may be a good idea to help you sort yourself out, hold your hand through difficult decisions, walk alongside you. But the time is NOW.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking of two women I know well.

One: was in relationship with DP for +15yrs, while DP dickered around whether he did/didn't want a child, then dumped her and immediately embarked on new relationships (yes plural) with "younger models". She's nearing 50 now.
Two: in early/mid 30s, fell madly/deeply in love with fab bloke but/and, tho' scared of losing him, said: I want a child & it's a deal-breaker, say now, or I'm off. He said OK fine. It entailed IVF, which worked. Now v happy family.
Three: Oh, her: well, she, realising that her DP wasn't so much D as DBFT, took drastic action and has never regretted it.

Good luck, OP.