He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

Perfect, so he can at any time pay £20, prove his paternity and OP can get locked into a messy and acrimonious coparenting relationship which no-one wanted.

I agree with this. I have an old friend - who absolutely 'didnt want children' - when I suggested he take the preoccupation, worry etc away and have a vasectomy (quick, easy day procedure) - he went white.

If your DP is so sure @Lizzielost ask him to do this - then he can take responsibility for his choices and share the contraception issue which you have soley held for 8 years.

Is he concerned of any risks (I dont know if there are any) of having a child with SEN if this is a possibility from your siblings background? Have you discussed this?

Shes not saying have a child with him. Shes saying make an ultimatum by coming off the pill.

When I met my DH he had already been married and had 2 kids. He didn't want anymore, but I did. He caved because he wanted to be with me. We married and had a SD, then he insisted we have another one, which we did.

@Lizzielost He's sadly had some crappy times to reflect how awful life can be and maybe doesn't want a child to have to grow up to experience that. I would strongly suggest counselling first to see if it's resolvable. Then I'd come off the pill and let him decide of he wants to run the risk and have sex or leave. I hope he comes around x

It’s not untrue. You have less than 5% chance per month at 40 1-2% at 43. Lots of women make up that small percentage with a population like the UK. And lots of women use fertility treatment including donor eggs. I’m not being cruel. Being unrealistic is cruel.

You're 41 and have been together 8 years. If you were both really serious about having kids together you'd have done it by now.

He's not everything to you. He has been misleading you and you have let him do it. This is not how a healthy relationship works.

OP if you want to try to have a baby solo, go for it. You may need to use a donor egg if yours don't take, but plenty of women have done it.

He has told you before that he doesn't want children and you got upset so he says he will to 'pacify' you. He shouldn't have backtracked but your behaviour could be seen as emotional manipulation, he tells you what he wants, you cry, he changes his mind.
I think couples counselling would definitely be a good idea because you have both been at fault in this situation and the way you describe him it sounds like besides from the child issue he is what you want. If it's a biological child you want, realistically your chances of conceiving right now are pretty slim, the chance of meeting someone else who wants children, building a relationship stable enough for a child then conceiving are even smaller. I'd be careful not to throw away what you have on the small chance you may have a baby.

It’s not emotional manipulation if she’s just expressing honestly how she feels! Christ!

He's probably very aware how much you want children, and is dealing with this is the worst possible way, which is telling himself he can do it for you, and then realising he can't. It's probably motivated by a need to give you what you want, but tbh, at 39 (or 41), I wouldn't have had the energy for young children. I have one child from my first marriage and dearly wanted a child with my second husband, but he didn't want that, so we didn't. Do I regret it? No. It has to be both of you wanting it.

Do you want children more than you want the relationship? And, of course, that assumes you will find another partner who you care about and who you trust to care about you, or that you are prepared to go it alone. You may not be able to have children anyway.

I have friends from school. We grew up together. We all, when we were younger, wanted children. Some of us have (now adult) children, some did not have children either through choice, or because it never happened for them. Who is happier? It doesn't seem to make much difference, to be honest.

You sound like a reasonable and responsible person. Whatever you do, don't issue an ultimatum that forces your partner to agree to having children when he doesn't want them. That will be a disater for you, your partner, your relationship and, most importantly, for any children you have.

Re. the debate about how old you can have kids, it's extremely individual. My own eggs were finished at 41 😢 but I know other people who've had babies with their own eggs at 43 and older. Then you get the rare cases where people have natural babies in their late forties and early fifties - but it should be noted that this is exceedingly rare. I actually know someone who got pregnant last year at 53. They lost the baby at four months' gestation, but it goes to show that she might have been OK well past 41. You really don't know until you try.

I normally don’t suggest a ultimatum but he is being awful imo . If being a mum is really important to you just go ahead and have a baby , even if in your own . You will regret it if you don’t .
Personally I think if he feel the same way you feel about him he won’t want to loose you and if he still doesn’t budge then OP he never truly loved you . Yes it’s his choice not to what kids but if he knew it was importantly to you and has been taking you on a ride them he is being plain selfish and narcissistic.

What an absolute arsehole! I’d leave him and come off the pill. It will either shock him into actually realising he wants a family with you (sounds like he has some issues from last 2.5years to deal with and he needs counselling - stress and/or depression?) or at least means you have the pull out your system ready for IVF. You’ll need to self fund that as I don’t think nhs find after 40 plus he hasn’t left you anytime to go through the nhs process. Tell him you want money out the house now to fund the ivf now and that amount comes out of his share as he has left you in this cruel time ticking situation!

@Lizzielost is he concerned about sen risks?

Ignore the negative posters on here who say you've left it too late OP. Thats not true. As long as you still have periods, a baby is possible. My grandma had my auntie at 41. My friend had her daughter at 44. Others similar age. But get rid of that man now before he wastes anymore of your time.

OP the average age that women stop being able to conceive is about 42 - but some women can't conceive from about age 38. Surely you knew this - so it seems you've left it rather late? I can't really understand why this is a deal-breaker when there's a good chance you can't conceive at this age anyway - surely you know that? Some women even struggle to conceive after age 35, so you want to try before then if you're deadset on having kids (also gives you time for fertility treatments if needed)

Not that your partner hasn't been awful, but I'm confused why you would leave things until age 41 if you definitely want kids?

Most women still have periods for around five years after they stop being fertile - so having a period isn't a reliable indication that you can still get preggers!

It all depends on how much you want to have children. I was desperate to have them, but it sounds like you’re both ambivalent as you’ve left it so long. It’s still possible for you - women get pregnant in their early 40s. I would do what others have suggested and leave contraception to him- that would test how negative he really felt. Men can say they want a family, and then not cope with it, and you still end up bringing children up alone, like I did. I never regretted my children, but it’s not for everybody.

She knew that he backtracked after she cried. Look at it this way, if a woman said they didn't want sex, the man cried and then woman has sex to please him, is that consensual? Or should the man realise that she doesn't want sex and not go ahead with it?

OP if you seriously want children go ahead. Be aware there might be difficulties.

My ex got completely put off by healthy friend and wife having 2 disabled children. Doesn't mean they're not loved and wanted but it is extra work and perhaps not the fairytale expected.

I think you might regret it if you leave him. It's very slim pickings out there.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds so painful. I don’t think you have left it too late despite what people are saying. I know it’s costly, but you could freeze your eggs for now. Pregnancy can happen for women later, I actually know a woman who had a baby at 50 (it was IVF) and yes some people may judge here but it can be possible (albeit with more complications the older you get). If you do split with him, there is a possibility for you to potentially build a life with someone else and have a baby in the next few years. If you really want a child and he doesn’t, if you stay together, you would perhaps be resentful and in years to come be thinking what if.. etc. If seeing his friends kids now is hard I only imagine it will get worse. I guess having important conversations now together would be helpful to really know where you both stand. For him, if he’s had recent bereavement and struggles with parent, that could be a factor for his change of mind in not wanting kids and maybe he could change his mind again if he’s in a better place. I guess you need to know if there’s a chance of that because you don’t want to wait around to see if he does. Wishing you the best

I don't think having children is something you can compromise on. It's such an enormous lifestyle change and unfair to compromise on something so fundamental.

Firstly, if by any chance you stay with him and accept no children, then he can have a bloody vasectomy. You don't need to put your body through such misery when he can take responsibility for contraception.

But....

I think if you stay with him you'll harbour deep resentment and I don't think you'll ever forgive him. It's the deception and suddenly deciding no children when it's almost too late for you.

You could try the option that a PP suggested - tell him you don't want to be on contraception, and what happens, happens. He can either accept the odds or you split.

My only concern with this is if he is a reluctant father, how will things be if you have a child with SEN? As an autistic woman, you have an increased chance of having an autistic child. Being older increases those odds yet again. And as we know, some autistic children have really high needs which can strain even the healthiest relationship.

I'm an autistic woman and I have autistic DC. I hate to discuss autism negatively but there's no question that parenting an autistic child can be challenging, and I can't help but wonder whether your DP would be on board with all that it entails if he's not sure he can cope/wants an NT child.

If you definitely want a child, I'd absolutely do it solo if he doesn't want to. I split from my ex when I was pregnant (with twins) and he's never been on the scene. I now have a DP who I got together with my DC were tiny, but all parenting decisions have always been mine, and I've got the best relationship with my two (now teens).

You have options, and a little bit of time. Not much, but you're not out of time just yet. Now is the moment to think about what matters to you in life, and what your priorities are. Time for you to put yourself first and consider what you want your future to look like, and how you can get there. Best of luck 💐

You and the people you know were very lucky. This does not happen to the majority of women

Well indeed even infertile women have periods so I wouldn’t use having periods as a marker for being able to pregnant.

Also a lot of women getting pregnant at 41/42/43 are not first pregnancies so they know hey have been able to get pregnant and carry to term before op has zero idea if she’s ever been fertile or still is.

Is it possible that he was put off by the idea of having children after losing a parent? I don't think I'd break up. I understand your desire to be a mother, but at least he's being honest about it, and it's way better to not have kids than to vê a lousy parent. Maybe you'll have to assess your relationship with him and try to understand what matters most, having kids or being with him.