Daughter to get ensuite bathroom.

[Rhudson1992]

My husband and myself are set to purchase a 4 bedroom 3 bath home, the fist level having the primary suite and attached bath, and the 2nd and 3rd bedroom with hall bath. The 2nd level has 1 bedroom with attached bathroom and a small searing area just outside the bedroom. My original plan was to put daughter (4) in the upstairs bedroom and use the living space as a playroom of sorts. That would mean my stepson (12) would stay in 1 of the 2 bedrooms on the lower level with the hall bath.
Stepson has decided its unfair that he not get his own bathroom. My though was he is sooner to be coming and going on his own than daughter and is no longer in need of the extra play area as he is involved in activites outside the home. I also see it that a developing girl (down the line) might like more privacy from her brother and his friends.

Would it be unreasonable to put her upstairs and him downstairs?

The older boy is better placed in the top room - he's nearly a teen and will need space for stuff, studying and hanging out.

The 4yo should definitely be on the same floor as you.
So yes, YABU.

If stepson lives with you then i'd give him top floor for now on the understanding they will swap in a few years. If he doesn't live with you i'd give daughter the top floor room so she doesn't have to move later, my daughter got our second ensuite room when we moved house and she was 4, it made any night toilet visits easier and future proofs her room. Though thankfully we didn't have another child to consider.

gently it does sound like you are trying to do your step son out of having the better room/space. Do you think you’d feel the same about the rooms if he was your biological son rather than SS?

Not only does a 4 year old not need an ensuite, it's deeply irresponsible parenting IMO to put a 4 year old on a different floor with her own separate facilities with no adult (or responsible older sibling) up there with her. What sort of messages are you sending her? She isn't old enough for that amount of loneliness.

Don’t you think four is very young to be that far away within the house at night if it isn’t necessary?

Op has says the upstairs bathroom is the only bathroom with a bath, doubt the step son will appreciate a 4 year old bathing in his room every night!

Also if he’s only there occasionally that’s an entire floor being wasted when it could be utilised by a family member that lives in the house full time.

I get the feeling that, had OP come here actually proposing to give SS the en-suite room, she’d have been told she was trying to banish him to the farthest room away from her because he’s a step child !!

No way would I let my 4 year old have access to a bathroom on a different floor to me while I slept. And all those stairs to fall down when half asleep. It's an accident waiting to happen.

As a stepmother I was absolutely delighted to banish my DSSs to a (very large) bedroom and ensuite shower at the farthest end of a long corridor and not have to hear/smell/otherwise witness everything that went on in there all the time!

If OP genuinely thinks it's important to have SS close by (for whatever reasons), then I agree with other posters, that it's a more logical solution to have both children on the first floor and leave the upstairs bedroom as a guest room/study. This will also make cleaning easier :)

That removes any whiff of favouritism. Actually it's odd OP hasn't even considered this solution.

If the boy was yours you'd want him to have the ensuite.

I have that situation and l definitely wouldn’t !! At twelve, not responsible enough to be on the top floor alone with his mates and out of earshot.

Not that much…

Talk about reach.

Yeah this really stinks of favouring your biological child honestly, it doesn't make sense to have a toddler on a separate floor to you when she's much more likely to need you during the night and a pre teen boy definitely needs more privacy than a toddler. By the time she's a teen he will most likely be grown up and moved out so she can have the room then.

A four year old isn’t a toddler by any means, but too young to be on a separate floor.

I definitely would not be giving a four year old an ensuite bathroom which she can access at any point, the potential for safety issues there is quite high, especially at night time when you are a floor away or if she was playing in her playroom with friends and you are two floors away during the day.

There's some serious parenting failings if a 12 yo can't be trusted to have some freedom and privacy with their friends in a house which has other adults present. And stifling their independence by insisting big brother monitors their every movement and conversation isn't going to help them become more responsible.

You could take the third floor yourself, put both kids on the second floor with the hall bathroom and have the first floor en-suite as a guest room/study?

Then why didn’t Op suggest that both DSS and her DD remain on the same floor as Op and her DH.
This wanting to keep an eye on her DSS just seems to be a convenient excuse

Yeh YBU. The 4 year old should be as close to you and does not require a private bathroom. The 12 year old could be in the top room with his own space. When he is early 20’s might have moved out so your daughter can have the room affording her more space. I wonder if they were both your biological children, would you have the same opinion?
of course the third option as they are both kids. They are on the same floor and the top room is a guest room or playroom

i can't imagine in what world you'd put a 4 year old on a different floor from their parents unless there was no other option.

On the privacy argument, I would just point out that countless children live in houses with a single bathroom, shared with the entire family.

I had a young DD and two DCs (who came at weekends and holidays) when we moved into our house. The only en-suite is in our room, so they all quite happily shared the same family bathroom. The SCs, who are older, also had the bigger rooms and DD was in the smaller room next to us. We moved her into one of the bigger rooms when DSS went to university, having talked this through with him some time before.

leaving a 4 year old alone upstairs with a bathtub is a nightmare waiting to happen.

if you don't want dss upstairs alone, then keep them both on the same level and use upstairs for a study.

I can see your point of view, OP. A 4YO has a lot of big toys and having a separate playroom is better for everyone’s quality of life - no constant clutter and mess in the living areas, and she can leave out dens, railway tracks, Lego and craft projects for the next day without needing to tidy away mid game.

My DC all had en suites from birth, I’m not sure it is any more dangerous than a family bathroom. A child can just as easily get into trouble unseen in any bathroom.

My DC were pretty sensible but the 10-13 years were a bit of a nightmare with some of DS’s friends. They needed more supervision than toddlers 😂 Climbing scaffolding, skiing down the stairs, throwing water bombs, pushing each other in the pool fully clothed… (that was all just one friend at one party!).

I also agree with PP’s though. Four is too young to be sleeping on a different floor, you don’t want a playroom 2 floors away from the living areas, your DSS is getting to an age when he will need privacy more than your DD. It’s also not very practical to have the only bath in anyone’s bedroom, especially one who goes to bed at 7pm.

Do you have an alternative room that could be a playroom? Do you need the extra bedroom as an office or regular guest room? How often is your DSS there?

Without knowing the answer to those questions, I would suggest it’s better to have them both on the same floor as you. When they are older, they can have the top floor rooms for their later teen years. For now, make the top floor a shared kid’s space. Use the top bedroom as a guest room with a sofa or sofa bed so it can be a teen chill out/gaming space too. Use the seating area as toy storage and occasional playroom eg for play dates or games that need space. Or vice versa. It also means everyone has access to the bath.

I can see your point of view, OP. A 4YO has a lot of big toys and having a separate playroom is better for everyone’s quality of life - no constant clutter and mess in the living areas, and she can leave out dens, railway tracks, Lego and craft projects for the next day without needing to tidy away mid game.

I don't think having a "small seating area just outside the bedroom" is going to achieve any of this.