Daughter to get ensuite bathroom.

[Rhudson1992]

My husband and myself are set to purchase a 4 bedroom 3 bath home, the fist level having the primary suite and attached bath, and the 2nd and 3rd bedroom with hall bath. The 2nd level has 1 bedroom with attached bathroom and a small searing area just outside the bedroom. My original plan was to put daughter (4) in the upstairs bedroom and use the living space as a playroom of sorts. That would mean my stepson (12) would stay in 1 of the 2 bedrooms on the lower level with the hall bath.
Stepson has decided its unfair that he not get his own bathroom. My though was he is sooner to be coming and going on his own than daughter and is no longer in need of the extra play area as he is involved in activites outside the home. I also see it that a developing girl (down the line) might like more privacy from her brother and his friends.

Would it be unreasonable to put her upstairs and him downstairs?

But OP has also said:

'he has required more supervision because of some concerning behavior in our current home like burning the carpet and putting large holes in the wall of his current bedroom. We have been addressing this behavior and it has improved over the last year but im still concerned for his safety and the upkeep of the house'.

Now that we’ve established that DSS is with you for 90% of the time BUT he has form for getting frustrated/angry and damaging things, I think it is fair for you to sit him down and explain that you are all going to be on the 1st floor, but he can have friends round to the top floor when he demonstrates that he can behave himself. Could you pop pinboards up in rooms so decor can be easily switched if he behaves himself?

When DD was young we popped a latch on the bathroom door at about our shoulder-height meaning that she couldn’t reach it (without knowingly being in trouble).

That's a bit of a dripfeed about the concerning behaviour OP. I'd say it's not a massive surprise though if his relationship with mum is strained and there's perhaps some past trauma (reading between the lines here) I think what he probably most needs though is to feel secure, cared about and connected to his main family. If anything showing him that you trust him enough to have the nice room and genuinely care about him having something nice and grown up might help connect you all. This should obviously all be on the very clear understanding though that if he can't be trusted he will need to move back to a 2nd floor room where he can be more monitored.

Your daughter might not have shown any interest in the bath before but she is still only 4. She probably doesn't have much concept of the dangers of water and all it would take is for her to decide to take a bath first thing in the morning or decide that one of her dolls needs a bath, for example, for tragedy to strike. It's just not worth the risk imo

If that is the case you really mustn’t have your small daughter isolated up on a higher floor by herself. If he set the house on fire you might struggle to get her out. I can’t believe in those circumstances you even considered sticking her up there alone if you were worried about him setting fire to the house .

But I think that’s your answer: they both need to be on the lower floor with you.

absolutely do a trial run op without decorating.

be really clear on expectations on upkeep and not damaging the space and time limit on how long it will be.

make sure he knows the consequences of not sticking to the rules. maybe write it down a little behaviour agreement. you do have make sure you follow through though.

alternatively both on the 2nd floor and potential review in a year if he doesn't have any incidents.

This was my goal, I wouldn't want DSS to feel put out but it's much easier to see what's going on when he's just around the corner. I do feel that DD is a little overwhelming for him that's why some of the separation was necessary and I don't tell him who he should be friends with only that he should choose wisely and some of the conversations between 12 and13 yearold boys would not be appropriate for 4 yearold so I sort of wanted an excuse for her to be away from them as well.

I think this is what we'll do I hadn't though about feeling it out as I was in a rush to finish up the house before we fully moved in but maybe I needed to slow down. Then he can have some time to sort out what he may like to have in his teenage bedroom.

As he's 12 I'm not sure giving him responsibility of managing a whole floor of the house is necessarily a great idea. If he were a bit older, maybe.

From what you've said about behaviour/risks I still think the best option is everyone on one floor, with top floor area as a flexible hangout space.

I do think though that you may be worrying too much about extra space as many kids will have a bedroom to hang with friends in, with no personal bathroom, and shared family living room.

That being said, I had a friend growing up who had a 'loft' space in their house and when we got older, we would often go for sleepovers and hang out in there. It wasn't "her" exclusive space but it was great that we could use it that way. That's what I'm thinking of when saying all rooms one floor, top floor as flexible guest/office/hangouts/sleepovers space.

How long has he lived with you full time?

If he’s got done behavioural issues, then him having his own space upstairs may be really beneficial for him.

I would ask his opinion on what room he’d like and how he’d like it decorated.

If he chooses the 3rd floor then it’s a great excuse to give him some responsibility and prove how mature he can be.
It would be a good way to manage his behaviour, because once he’s up there he’s not going to want to move rooms and so he’s not going to want to lose that privilege.

Why is you and DH having the top floor not an option?
If you don’t want him on the same floor as DD then it’s even more reason to have him up there.

SS top floor. DD same floor as you. For all the reasons mentioned previously.

If your daughter was older and not just 4 then I would kinda see the point you’ve made however it’s your step son who is currently of the age where he will want privacy and hitting puberty age where your daughter is not therefore giving your daughter the bedroom with an en-suite because in the future she will want more privacy is in my opinion a little daft and currently an invalid point. Step son on top floor daughter in another bedroom xx

If there is concerning behaviours then I personally wouldn’t be giving your daughter the top floor bedroom nor would I be giving it to your son. I would either have that room for myself or have a guest room. I personally don’t see an issue having a 4 year old on another level in the house but I’m basing that on my children and having 7 myself they have all been quite advanced as in independent from a lot younger age than their peers. I would take the arguement out of it and say neither child is to get that room till either they can be trusted or circumstances change etc xx

Glad you updated despite the predictable SC pile on OP.

One piece of advice I'd give. Buy him a double bed rather than a single. They outgrow a single. My sons slept at an angle for comfort.

I’d be giving neither the en-suite & using the 2nd floor as a guest room for when visitors came or when your dss (and daughter when she’s old enough) have friends to sleepover…completely fair and you’re all on the
same floor! As the children get older it’s something that can be addressed if needed. An en-suite is just another bathroom to clean each week if in use all the time!🙈

I think it’s ridiculous to have so much of your house that you wouldn’t use most of the time.

Then don’t buy a house with the extra space if it’s ’not needed’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Its different if your house is massive, but this space could be really useful in OPs set up and therefore needed.

Maybe they could make the room itself a little snug, where dd toys etc could go, as well as dss….tv up there with PlayStation if he has one etc & it can be where he can go and hang out with friends…and so can dd when she’s old enough. They could even get one of those day beds that is a sofa and doubles up as a bed when needed for guests…There’s definitely lots of use for it to make the most of it😊

I would give your step son the upstairs. He needs the privacy more and I’d want a 4 year old closer to me.

That would be such a waste of the space for the majority of the time.

Now that you’ve updated I think neither kid should have it but it should be on the table for your ss - maybe something like ‘would love to give you the space upstairs when you’re 13 as the teenage hangout space but let’s see how you take care of your space now’ with of course the expectation that the space will be for the next teenager when the time comes.

give him responsibility for looking after the bathroom (my 12 year old cleans the family bathroom and the downstairs loo) and keeping his room sorted and see how he gets on with the extra responsibilities. If he proves ready you can let him move upstairs if he wants to with the caveat that any repeated unsafe behaviour means he’s back downstairs.

A boy going through puberty needs private space more than a 4yr old.
Swap them back if needed in 8 yrs time