Daughter to get ensuite bathroom.

[Rhudson1992]

My husband and myself are set to purchase a 4 bedroom 3 bath home, the fist level having the primary suite and attached bath, and the 2nd and 3rd bedroom with hall bath. The 2nd level has 1 bedroom with attached bathroom and a small searing area just outside the bedroom. My original plan was to put daughter (4) in the upstairs bedroom and use the living space as a playroom of sorts. That would mean my stepson (12) would stay in 1 of the 2 bedrooms on the lower level with the hall bath.
Stepson has decided its unfair that he not get his own bathroom. My though was he is sooner to be coming and going on his own than daughter and is no longer in need of the extra play area as he is involved in activites outside the home. I also see it that a developing girl (down the line) might like more privacy from her brother and his friends.

Would it be unreasonable to put her upstairs and him downstairs?

I had that type of house. I wanted the child on same floor as me. Don't look years ahead. Now is important and for me it didn't work with 4 year old on a different floor

I would give him is own bathroom.

on condition he keeps it clean.

in fact that would be my major reason for giving him the top floor. He cleans, tidies, brings his washing down. You don’t go up there.

then at least you don’t have to look at it. If he doesn’t keep his end of the bargain he needs to be using a shared bathroom so you only clean once.

Precisely

This feels more that you see stepchild as less than your biological child

As PP's - better the opposite way around. The bathroom is a more important factor than the play area. As a STB teenager, he needs the bathroom more than a 4 year old does.

That’s not what l said. I said l would not want him out of earshot with his friends in a top room. I don’t think it’s appropriate for either child - better allocating them each a room on the lower floor with a shared bathroom, with a view to the older child getting more privacy with more responsibility when he gets a little older.

Yes boy cave on the upper floor with own bathroom!
4 year old daughter on the same floor as me using the main bath room which will be hers in away as you have your own en-suite.

Im ignoring the fact he is a step son as I don’t think it’s relevent but I’d give the 12 year old the top floor and the 4 year old a room on the same floor as you. I’d prefer having the 4 year old on the same floor as me and it seems much more sensible for the 12 year old to have his own space.

I would want DD(4) on the same floor as me. Assuming DSS stays 50% of the time or more, I'd give him the en suite now but say to him that when he's staying less (eg if he stays less as he gets older and/or goes to uni) and DD is older you may revisit and swap rooms. What does his Dad think?

I wouldnt want my 4 year old trying to get down a staircase on her own in the dark at night.

Also she wont play in the the contained area at the top of the house - she needs to play (and sleep) in eye / ear shot of where you will be - otherwise you will just keep dragging her toys up 2 flights of stairs and they will morph back down across 3 floors.

OP, you're being so unfair to your step son.
Your 4 Yr old daughter effectively gets two rooms and an en suite...on a completely separate floor...whilst your 12 yr old step son gets one room and a shared family bathroom.
Do you often sideline your step son so blatantly?

People are discussing the practicalities. The step element shouldn’t change the room set up in this case, although seemingly it does for the OP. There is no practical positive in putting the 4 year old upstairs.

Alternatively we could all take it at face value and advise on what’s being said, instead of lecturing the OP on what a shit stepmother she is, based on nothing more than assumption. If there was any bias against the stepson OP would be mad to come to MN for advice. I have a 12 year old and no way would l want him and his friends at the top of the house on their own until he was a little older and more responsible. I’d put both children on the lower floor with the shared bathroom and move the older child up when he gets a bit older.

Disagree. She's trying to suggest that a 12 year old needs more supervision than a 4 year old and is to be less trusted with their own floor of a house that has a bath. WTF?! Unless there's a backstory eg ss has SEN then this is pure madness. The only genuine reasoning I can think is that she just wants her daughter to have the better room because she's being precious about it. Sorry but if ss is spending good amounts of time there and her partner is co-owner of the property then actually how dare she?!

There is also a hint of sexism about the explanations. A hormonal boy needs privacy and their own bathroom just as much as a hormonal girl and much more than a 4 year old. If OP doesn't realise this then for her ss's sake she really needs to educate herself about the graphic realities of adolescence in boys before it's too late. As myself and other pp have said the fair and practical way to approach this is surely to allow ss this room until dd is of adolescent age then expect ss to move to a smaller room or move out if he doesn't like this. I'd be making this clear to ss now too.

But there’s nothing to suggest that it’s on the basis of him being a step child - just a bit of a misguided sense that the 4 year old would need more privacy because she’s a girl.

A 4 year old does not have any use for their own bathroom.
Nor does a 12 year old, but they have a stronger argument for having one if it's available.
He'll love having his own space up there. He's not off in another wing of the house where you won't be able to keep an eye on him and his friends. If he doesn't look after the bathroom he will lose the privilege.

What does DSS's father think?
I hope you haven't promised the upstairs to your daughter already.

But you are one of the few who feels that way “ on the practicalities.”’

Most of us - step issues aside - feel 12 is a very suitable age to have that little bit of space.

It’s actually you focusing more on the step issue.

This ^

seven pages of everyone telling the OP the same thing including
multiple comments pointing out that having a FOUR year old several floors away and with options to cause harm to the house and themselves is not a smart plan

£100 says it won’t make any difference. She hasn’t come on here for advice - she wants comments to back herself up with disgruntled SS and OH. Will now ignore thread is it didn’t give the answer she wanted

🎯

I can’t see any bias because of the fact he’s a SC, but I do agree with you about the sexism angle. Yes, the girl will need privacy at some point and an en-suite is the ideal way to ensure that, but not at age four - it’s unnecessary. But speaking as a step parent and also the mother of a twelve year old, my solution would be a room each on the lower floor with the hallway bathroom. We all know our own kids best and l wouldn’t trust mine entertaining his friends on a floor to themselves at the top of the house until he’s a bit older.

I think the 12 yo on the top floor and the 4 yo on the same level as you, the third bedroom there could be her playroom.

Well no - not really. If others hadn’t made it an issue there would be nothing to focus on.

Well let’s pretend they are both bio kids then.

I still say it’s obvious not to stick a four year old up there and it’s perfectly appropriate for a 12 year old.

Okay so the privacy thing is a red herring I think. I don't think anyone actually needs their own bathroom! Many family homes have one family bathroom and it's absolutely fine. So no I don't think either DD or SS need their own bathroom to have privacy. That's what a bedroom is for.

I would probably do as PP said and give SS the space with the seating area, on agreement it's until he's 18. Then when he's 18 it's her turn to have the bigger space.

I know this won't be a popular view but me doing this would also probably depend on how much time he is with you and whether he has equivalent at his other home. If he's with you a couple of nights a month he won't need a whole floor for his stuff. But if he's with you a lot then what I suggested makes most sense to me.