Page 21 | To just want to be a housewife?

CasketBase · 2025-04-22T09:23:22+00:00

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening. Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/04/2025 12:49

BlondiePortz · 27/04/2025 12:44

So women have choice but if a man said 'i choose for you to work so I can be a stay at home person/dad' that would be ok?

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They wouldn't be compatible if it's only dad saying it, but if dad wants to stay home and mum is happy to go to work, then yes, this is fine.

DH and I both say when the other is up for a new role or pay rise "make it enough so I can stay home". We're (mostly) joking, but if one of us earned enough to maintain our lifestyle, we'd both be happy for the other to stay home with DD and doing other stuff.

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 12:59

HoppingPavlova · 27/04/2025 12:41

@Giggleslikespickles Why did you choose a domesticity life if you despise it? I would never choose to live a certain way if I hated it to then avoid it at all costs. This truly baffles me to my core

What on earth are you on about? How can someone choose a life that involves no domesticity? I hate it, but am not prepared to live in a pigsty or to wear rank clothes! How can you choose to live any other way? It doesn’t mean I have to enjoy any aspect of cleaning, laundry, cooking though, but I HAVE to do it. I’d much rather work than do these tasks BUT I still need to do these tasks irrespective.

As for the rest, ?????. My kids are adults. They had a great childhood, as neither DH nor myself let the mundane, boring aspects restrict us. We still did all the kids activities with them (including fucking glitter craft), took them out to kids places etc, and we did it all with raked enthusiasm and a smile on our faces. Nothing apart from school and music lessons/community sports when school aged was outsourced, they didn’t miss out. They had fantastic holidays at appropriate shitty kid friendly places when young and fantastic resorts when older. It wasn’t all bad as once they got a bit older they were able to have great debates (think, who was ‘better’ Voldemort or Darth Vader’, and who would win a fight out of a T Rex vs Megalodon etc), and they got interested in stuff like Ancient Egypt and mummification, and the solar system, and it was fun being involved in helping with their school stuff when older and into high school and watching them learn about history and be able to apply learnings to current day and whatnot. And we could play great boardgames together after a point. So, no need to feel sorry for anyone.

When I asked them as adults what they would have liked to change about their childhood they really couldn’t come up with much. The only real thing was that they would have liked to have seen more of relatives, which wasn’t really doable due to long distance and the FaceTime aspect wasn’t around when they were young.

Honestly that sounds like an amazing childhood you’ve given them ❤️

I like the debate topic between Voldemort and Darth Vader - I’ll bring that to my boys later

I do apologise if that was offensive in any way, I was in the middle of something and could probably of worded myself better.

I think we all have difficulties sometimes in understanding others decisions when they’re so far away from what we’d choose. I absolutely LOVE all of the children and home stuff, like I love for it. I know it’s short lived so I relish it as it will be gone before I know it. I’ll then be back working and fulfilling my days in other ways again but for now I wouldn’t give that up for anything 😊

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 13:05

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/04/2025 12:47

I want to turn this around.

How can you find raising your own children mundane and boring? That makes me feels sad 😞

How can you not want something more, for just you, than only raising children? That makes me feel sad, because if you devote everything you are to raising your children, what happens to you when they're grown?

It really is a personal choice. Every person is different. Everyone has different needs and desires for their life. You can't be sad because someone else is doing what's right for them.

ETA: I'm not trying to provoke an argument by the way, just trying to provide an alternative view.

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I suppose for me ‘what more would I want’
Ive set up my career that I can go back to at anytime (I’ll need some retraining but that’s only a year).

I’ve just said on another reply, I absolute love all the stuff related to children and home (bar laundry I must admit 😂). These are such a few short years that I want to relish them.

When they’re grown I’ll likely return to work or fulfil my days elsewhere doing other things. I’m pretty sure when they’re grown they don’t just disappear into thin air. I’ll definitely look forward to grandchildren 😉

Swonderful · 27/04/2025 13:22

If you have a professional career I think it's easy to forget that most people have a job not a career.

Sacrificing precious time with your kids to work behind a check out or cleaning someone else's house doesn't seem so appealing!

Personally I tried juggling a corporate career with kids and felt completely burnt out - my husband also does long hours in his job.

Something's got to give and I am so glad a stepped back to a local part time role even if that means UK holidays and a tighter budget.

Our marriage is also much happier!

LastRoIo · 27/04/2025 13:26

I think this is in truth a big factor in the pay gap despite many people wanting to pin it on the patriarchy.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/04/2025 13:28

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 13:05

I suppose for me ‘what more would I want’
Ive set up my career that I can go back to at anytime (I’ll need some retraining but that’s only a year).

I’ve just said on another reply, I absolute love all the stuff related to children and home (bar laundry I must admit 😂). These are such a few short years that I want to relish them.

When they’re grown I’ll likely return to work or fulfil my days elsewhere doing other things. I’m pretty sure when they’re grown they don’t just disappear into thin air. I’ll definitely look forward to grandchildren 😉

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And it's wonderful that it works for you and you enjoy it and relish it.

I wouldn't stay home if we had no children, I don't mind the domestic stuff and I enjoy cooking and baking but I would lose my mind with boredom. Having DD, I like being at home more which is why I work PT, but those hours as work where I talk to other adults (mostly, some of them are worse behaved than my 3 year old), get stuck into challenges, find solutions for problems, etc are great for me, mentally.

And I have always had a need to be able to support myself, that's just built into me. I couldn't rely on DH financially, not because I think he would leave me or be horrible about it or anything, but because it's part of who I am to be as independent as I can be.

You can love your kids and hate domesticity. You can love domesticity and still need something else. Or your kids and your home are fulfilling enough for you. All are perfectly valid options and ways of being happy. You don't need to be sad because someone's happiness looks different to yours.

Save the sad for people who want to stay home and can't afford it, or people who are dying mentally at home but can't manage to get back into work.

And no, they don't disappear but they don't need us in the same way. They go off into the world and do their own thing. Make sure you have something for you then.

LastRoIo · 27/04/2025 13:29

If you have a professional career I think it's easy to forget that most people have a job not a career.

Sacrificing precious time with your kids to work behind a check out or cleaning someone else's house doesn't seem so appealing!

Precisely what I've always said.

'Giving up your career' isn't really such an issue if you were scanning tins of beans on a checkout. In this instance you're quite likely to end up in a more financially secure situation by marrying a wealthy man, even if he leaves you at some point.

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 13:31

Swonderful · 27/04/2025 13:22

If you have a professional career I think it's easy to forget that most people have a job not a career.

Sacrificing precious time with your kids to work behind a check out or cleaning someone else's house doesn't seem so appealing!

Personally I tried juggling a corporate career with kids and felt completely burnt out - my husband also does long hours in his job.

Something's got to give and I am so glad a stepped back to a local part time role even if that means UK holidays and a tighter budget.

Our marriage is also much happier!

I wholeheartedly relate to this ❤️

We have sacrificed the extra income in terms of holidays not being so luxurious and going without ourselves as adults (the children don’t go without). It’s a small price to pay to be present more during these younger years (for us a family).

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/04/2025 13:33

Swonderful · 27/04/2025 13:22

If you have a professional career I think it's easy to forget that most people have a job not a career.

Sacrificing precious time with your kids to work behind a check out or cleaning someone else's house doesn't seem so appealing!

Personally I tried juggling a corporate career with kids and felt completely burnt out - my husband also does long hours in his job.

Something's got to give and I am so glad a stepped back to a local part time role even if that means UK holidays and a tighter budget.

Our marriage is also much happier!

Even if it's "just a job", the change of scene or the different challenges or just a few hours of quiet while you clean someone else's house might be really appealing.

I wash up every night, not because DH doesn't do the jobs, but because that 15/20 minutes with my music on, making things clean while DH occupies DD or gives her a bath help me clear my mind. It's not an appealing job in the slightest, most people hate it. But it gives me something, similar to the fact that work gives me something.

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 13:41

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/04/2025 13:28

And it's wonderful that it works for you and you enjoy it and relish it.

I wouldn't stay home if we had no children, I don't mind the domestic stuff and I enjoy cooking and baking but I would lose my mind with boredom. Having DD, I like being at home more which is why I work PT, but those hours as work where I talk to other adults (mostly, some of them are worse behaved than my 3 year old), get stuck into challenges, find solutions for problems, etc are great for me, mentally.

And I have always had a need to be able to support myself, that's just built into me. I couldn't rely on DH financially, not because I think he would leave me or be horrible about it or anything, but because it's part of who I am to be as independent as I can be.

You can love your kids and hate domesticity. You can love domesticity and still need something else. Or your kids and your home are fulfilling enough for you. All are perfectly valid options and ways of being happy. You don't need to be sad because someone's happiness looks different to yours.

Save the sad for people who want to stay home and can't afford it, or people who are dying mentally at home but can't manage to get back into work.

And no, they don't disappear but they don't need us in the same way. They go off into the world and do their own thing. Make sure you have something for you then.

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It does make me feel sad when I hear women say that they don’t enjoy the time spent at home with their children. It’s not a pitiful sadness, it’s sadness in where I wish they were happier and wonder if a few small changes could help them feel happier.

My DH and I have supported each other financially over the years. For a few years my DH went back to a training role and I financially supported him throughout. Now it’s his turn. He would support anything I decided to do as I would him.

I have secured a career should I ever need to return if my current marital situation changes but I don’t go through life setting things up ‘incase’ my husband leaves me. Plenty of strong women have dealt with those situations and I would too if needs be.

I sense your tone is slightly irked so I’ll leave this interaction between us and wish you well 😊

exprecis · 27/04/2025 13:54

@Giggleslikespickles

It does make me feel sad when I hear women say that they don’t enjoy the time spent at home with their children. It’s not a pitiful sadness, it’s sadness in where I wish they were happier and wonder if a few small changes could help them feel happier.

I do feel happy though! I like the balance of time at home and time at work. I just wouldn't be happy as a SAHM.

Do you feel sorry for your husband who presumably didn't want to be a SAHD?

I actually feel a bit sorry for women who didn't find the career for them because I get a lot of joy out of mine. I agree with @Swonderful that most women would rather be with their kids than being on a check out counter but I guess I do feel sad that that's all some women aspire to

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/04/2025 13:59

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 13:41

It does make me feel sad when I hear women say that they don’t enjoy the time spent at home with their children. It’s not a pitiful sadness, it’s sadness in where I wish they were happier and wonder if a few small changes could help them feel happier.

My DH and I have supported each other financially over the years. For a few years my DH went back to a training role and I financially supported him throughout. Now it’s his turn. He would support anything I decided to do as I would him.

I have secured a career should I ever need to return if my current marital situation changes but I don’t go through life setting things up ‘incase’ my husband leaves me. Plenty of strong women have dealt with those situations and I would too if needs be.

I sense your tone is slightly irked so I’ll leave this interaction between us and wish you well 😊

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I'm not irked at all, I'm just explaining a different stance and that different things make different people happy.

I don't make provisions "in case" my husband leaves me, I just have a need in myself to be able to provide for myself and my family and it makes me feel good and happy to know I'm doing that. Which means I'm good and happy as a parent for DD.

I love her. I love being with her. I love doing all the kid stuff with her. I just also love having those extra bits of me.

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 14:16

exprecis · 27/04/2025 13:54

@Giggleslikespickles

It does make me feel sad when I hear women say that they don’t enjoy the time spent at home with their children. It’s not a pitiful sadness, it’s sadness in where I wish they were happier and wonder if a few small changes could help them feel happier.

I do feel happy though! I like the balance of time at home and time at work. I just wouldn't be happy as a SAHM.

Do you feel sorry for your husband who presumably didn't want to be a SAHD?

I actually feel a bit sorry for women who didn't find the career for them because I get a lot of joy out of mine. I agree with @Swonderful that most women would rather be with their kids than being on a check out counter but I guess I do feel sad that that's all some women aspire to

That’s great you’re happy and your choices were spot on for you, that’s honestly great 😊

I try not to pity people on these levels (I feel for people who are battling illnesses, who are homeless, who have been treated awfully etc). I have a lot of empathy for a lot of reasons but I definitely don’t feel sorry for my husband or for women who didn’t find jobs that they love. (Maybe I’m wrong but it is what it is I guess).

I can definitely see how difficult it must be for some mums that have to work in jobs they don’t enjoy to make ends meet. I know I’m incredibly lucky to have the option to stay off work so long. I have many friends that would love to give up their jobs but they are unfortunately the main income for their homes so it’s impossible for them

G5000 · 27/04/2025 17:32

People always feel so sorry for mothers who work, and our children. I don't think I have ever heard anybody asking a father why he dislikes his children as he has continued working, how sad that he doesn't find enjoyment in spending time with your own offspring instead.
If you believe that your husband can enjoy both his career and being a parent, why is it so sad and tragic if a woman does it as well?

Giggleslikespickles · 27/04/2025 18:22

G5000 · 27/04/2025 17:32

People always feel so sorry for mothers who work, and our children. I don't think I have ever heard anybody asking a father why he dislikes his children as he has continued working, how sad that he doesn't find enjoyment in spending time with your own offspring instead.
If you believe that your husband can enjoy both his career and being a parent, why is it so sad and tragic if a woman does it as well?

I think people criticise Dads a lot actually!
Personally I think there are a lot more inadequate fathers in the world than mothers.
A lot more fathers are able to leave their children and never contact them again whereas very few mothers are able to do this.
I don’t know why that is, I can only assume it’s because mammal mothers have an innate maternal instinct?

I obviously can’t speak for men/Dads as I’m not one so this is only an assumption/loose opinion

Ownedbykitties · 27/04/2025 22:36

TheAmusedQuail · 22/04/2025 10:45

And if your marriage breaks down? A huge % do.

Then you'll be left, with children, no up to date marketable skills. With a man that pays you the bare minimum. Trying to exist in poverty. Making your children suffer not just a working mum (against your vision of earth mother) but also poverty.

All because you lost ambition when you had a baby and couldn't see that you need to be financially productive.

It's called the feminisation of poverty for a reason. It's a trap.

The whole thing is a trap, isn't it?

G5000 · 28/04/2025 05:35

I'm sure people criticize dads, but not for working. I have never heard any new dad being asked why he is going back to work and why did he have children in the first place if he doesn't want to take care of them.

Marchhare80 · 28/04/2025 18:28

Kellybonita · 22/04/2025 11:03

It's sad because women fought for the right to work,
Yet I hear many women say that having children and working is simply too difficult.

So did women do ourselves an injustice, fighting for the right to work?

Everyone wants what they don't have. I know women at work, who will want to give up work.

But I bet if we were back in a system where women weren't allowed to work after marriage, women would get very unhappy in that system too. As they would have no money of their own

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I am the same as you OP. I think it is a very stigmatised and borderline socially unacceptable role in society now and I have occasionally experienced outward hostility.
I do feel torn about it and can see some merit in the "modelling to girls" argument, however, i think this argument in itself shows the lack of respect society has for what was traditionally "women's work". Someone needs to do the cleaning/caring role and it is extremely important. In my house I am modelling this and my husband is modelling working. This doesn't mean those roles need to be defined by gender(we know several couples now where they are reversed) they're just what works best in our house. No one resents the other as my husband respects the work i do- i am always busy and take the full load of stuff related to the children, though at weekends everything is split. We are very lucky that my husband earns well enough that I would be financially secure if we were to ever divorce.
What i know to be true is that I enjoy not working and looking after the home, cooking, gardening etc. My husband would have been happy whatever I did but 100% values what i do.
Interestingly, I believe i have adhd and sometimes wonder whether that is why I am so happy with my life as it is??