To just want to be a housewife?

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I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

Have you not read where I said I have studied and I’m working part time? I am marketable and I have transferable skills and I keep my CV up to date. I did a course part time last year to boost my work. Please read what I’m saying, I’m asking about my feelings towards domesticity. You don’t need to come at me with the scare stories.

I’m 20 years down the line from you, give up a big career that was advancing when I got near the end of my maternity leave and have never regretted it. I have a secure marriage and a high earring DH (enabled by me not working) so thankfully finances have not been an issue and as I worked for a long time I have considerable savings and a good pension pot.
I have faced some scorn and many comments and I believe my DD will not make the same choices ( she has a different personality for starters and is totally undomesticated or practical). I have always made clear to my kids that education will give them choices and opportunities- what they do with them is up to them.

Don’t under estimate the power of hormones.

Women are biologically programmed to bond at birth. The mother-child bond often supersedes all other drives.

If you do have some ADHD, it may be that motherhood has taken up most of your mental/emotional capacity, leaving you with little yearning for other things.

This happened to me, but when I reached menopause the nurturing hormones switched off and I changed again (thank you hormones).

I realised I needed to end my abusive marriage, but as a STAHM I had no pension and no financial income or independence. That is what the other posters are referring to when they ask about the pension.

Again, I’ve had one. And I work. At no point have said my work is optional, I said I don’t have the same passion for it anymore. I still do it.
I am asking about my change in feelings and personality, not my financial position.

I hear you OP! YANBU

I guess the domestic chores are in many ways simpler -any chance you were getting burnt out from work and this is part of your recovery? Which might imply it's a phase and the feelings will change...

Absolutely feel this at times. I worked part time for years the only reason I’m glad I did it was that it kept a foot in the door.

So much of parenting involves cooking dinners, keeping on top of the house, being present with the kids, getting to know their friends parents. Is’s incredibly difficult to do it well when you are full time. And you are completely replaceable at work, we all are, whether nobody else (other than the other parent) can do these things for their children.

I’m now back full time but I mainly work from home and I’m mid senior but it is not stressful and I just work my hours. I could earn more but I’m simply not interested in working a job that takes any more headspace

What if your partner wants to do the same? I presume you won’t mind

I went on maternity leave with my first, fully intending to not go back. But I found being a SAHM stifling and boring. I’d love to have enjoyed it, and imagined myself happily cooking and pottering, but I soon realised I need the stimulation of work.

I was lucky that I went back 2 days pw and I had family provide childcare on those days. It made he enjoy my time at home much more than if I didn’t work.

That’s a man interesting point. As I said earlier, my pregnancy was overshadowed with work and stressing about maternity. Then. I gave it up for more flexibility and because I had an idea for working for myself and for a while I kept thinking I would go for it when she gets bigger. But she’s bigger and the drive hasn’t come. Maybe you’re right, maybe it will come, my brain is just taking a break. I think you’re right about chores too, there’s no mental strain, the relation and simplicity of pegging out washing I find soothing. That’s why I wondered if it was related to my ADHD.

Interesting points.

Not at all, if he really wanted to give up his job where he gets to travel the world and go part time then yes, of course I’d happily sit down with him and work things out and I’d take on more.

Of course I’d do anything for my family, who wouldn’t? For the millionth time I’m asking about the change in my feelings. I’m still working.

YANBU to feel this way at all, provided you have savings and a pension you can continue paying into.

I don't like the idea of being entirely dependent on someone else at a time when marriages are failing at alarming rates, but if you can cushion yourself against the worst possible outcome, go for it!

I think that everyone, men and women, would like to not work, and would like to stay at home.

The work system is too much and its too long.

I remember saying to my mother, "if we made a horse work 8 hours a day, five days a week, for 50 years, it would be called animal abuse".

Yet they expect humans to do this amount of work.

The work system is abusive.

Enjoy if you have own income savings rich husband etc to support you ..
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But watch you don't become obsessed with cleaning. Put child first

Taking child out fresh air etc is far more important than ironed underwear and spotless skirting boards

In proportion

It's not uncommon to feel like this when your children are small: plenty of women quite rationally feel that they would rather expend their energies looking after small, growing children with whom they have an inseparable bond than jumping to meet the need of their employer.

The problem is that you simply can't rely on one other person for your financial wellbeing for the rest of your life: it's too big a gamble. Even in the best case scenario that your marriage remains strong and your husband remains happily and solvently employed (and this isn't guaranteed), this completely removes your independence. It means you can't leave without impoverishing your children. It may be impossible to imagine this now but just under half of marriages fail and even if it doesn't fail, you need some financial leverage.

There are also wider social wellbeing outputs: being a professional housewife for years will cut you off from a large swathe of society, diminish your social wellbeing and make you socially dependent on your husband. I've seen it happen (including to my own mother).

By all means take some time out when your children are young. But don't forget that the way you feel now is very likely not the way you will feel with a teenager in school. Don't completely shut the door.

I have adhd and a career I love. But I am totally burnt out with 2 kids and 2 jobs. There isnt enough time in the day. I think for me it isn't necessarily the want to be a housewife, bu the want to lead a simpler life, have a clean and tidy environment and leave the rat race. I visited a country house with my children over the weekend and spent rhe whole day imagining being a lady of the manor, floating about in my dress and sometimes picking some herbs and baking a cake for fun, then sewing a tapestry and walking through the maze, chattering with my lady friends. I think today we take on so much and its normal to wantnto strip back to a simpler life.

I think I’d have hated to be a 1950s housewife without much choice but to stay home and cook and clean.

But I’d love to have the kind of life now where the majority of my time was spent keeping house and gardening. Also have ADHD – nothing is more soothing for my brain than having the house in good order. A freshly vacuumed staircase lifts my mood so much! Home is so important to the enjoyment of day-to-day life, it doesn’t feel onerous (if I can actually do it), it feels like I’m honouring myself.

Might actually get off my arse and honour myself right now (so much dirty laundry, so many dirty plates 😔)

It's sad because women fought for the right to work,
Yet I hear many women say that having children and working is simply too difficult.

So did women do ourselves an injustice, fighting for the right to work?

Everyone wants what they don't have. I know women at work, who will want to give up work.

But I bet if we were back in a system where women weren't allowed to work after marriage, women would get very unhappy in that system too. As they would have no money of their own

I had a highly desirable job and went back for a year.

Now a sahm to 3 under 5. I love hanging out washing, I hear you OP

YANBU, OP. I get pleasure out of doing stuff for my family, bringing in washing that's still warm from the sun, etc.
I gave up work when I had twins. Then I started a small business once my dch were at school. DH did go through a period of being funny about supporting us when he saw me as having an easy life (!) with two babies, but my income has gone up a bit now and he's over that. So I would only sound a small note of caution about being totally upfront with your DH and in agreement about your only working part-time.

Yes it's totally normal that your previous plans and feelings change when you have kids. You don't know how you will feel as a mother before you actually become one. Mine changed as well, to the opposite direction - I felt very strongly that I must do what it takes to provide my chindren with financial security. I don't think either of us is 'wrong' to feel how we feel

I think it sounds very normal. Not to say that everyone feels the same way, but that many people will do. There are still a lot of SAHMs around after all, and many will be purely through choice. Many will have had successful careers beforehand.

To me it doesn’t sound ADHD related but I guess it could be a form of hyperfocus?

Well no because it’s good to have a choice and it’s better to have a choice even if it means it is more difficult to survive on one salary now.

I think some women are able to have it all and don’t feel like it is too much. For me personally I can’t manage both things. I took a backseat at work.

I have always worked but work definitely wasn’t my priority when my children were little so I kind of get where you’re coming from. But I did find once my children were both at school, I became a lot more interested in my career again so your motivations may change. So you may want to make sure you keep your hand in (having watched two friends really struggle to establish their careers after being a SAHP for many years).