To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

I’ve not read all the thread. I’d say, be a SAHM now if you want. You should be able to rely on your partner to provide. That is what nature intended and the way it was for millennia. However, that family model isn’t as reliable as it used to be. Far from it. When your DC is/ are at school, I’d think about rejoining the workforce, even part time and if you can WFH some of the time, even better, to earn yourself some money and get a place in the workforce.
You do need to consider pension plans. Save money in an ISA or take out a personal pension if you get work…I don’t know what the rules are these days. I know they have changed since I took mine out, and I’ve spent mine anyway. The point is, you need to do something to help pay for retirement, in case everything goes pear shaped and even if it doesn’t.
I know being the SAHM is appealing. I did it, though I also helped in the family businesses. Wish I’d got paid , but hey ho.
It’s very emotionally rewarding , being a SAHM , but you need something ..Think of it as contributing to a happier, easier retirement for both of you.
But also an insurance against something going wrong. Illness, injury, job losses…life keeps throwing things to upset the status quo. Be prepared.

We are saying the same thing really. I work and have zero guilt doing so. I would hate to be at home FT.

However I can acknowledge that my DC would have preferred me at home FT in the early years and that would have been better for them.

But it’s marginal, I provided excellent childcare which was the next best thing to me or their Dad being at home FT.

It’s ok to say that a parent being at home is prob marginally best for DC and its also ok to say that it’s either not your reality or indeed, not your choice.

What drives me insane is SAHM
saying that it’s MUCH better for mum to be at home in a bid to justify their own choices. I just wish they would make their choice and stand over it without putting down other women

But for their family and their children it may be a lot better in their opinion. Ultimately all of this stuff is subjective and we all have different opinions about what is 'best'. It's also true that some children get a lot more out of being at home with a dedicated parent than being in a nursery for example and vice versa. It definitely isn't one size fits all.

I think overall we need to be less sensitive about what other people. You think the difference between childcare and having a SAHP is marginal. I actually disagree and think it can make a big difference in lots of ways (not always positively).

A realistic scenario. As about every 2nd or 3rd mumsnetter will at some point create a thread about.

Really poor, misogynistic comment. ‘You are like a child’- a child cannot raise a baby/child safely. If a SAHP doesn’t pay attention and keep their children, especially if caring for multiple under 5’s, under close supervision both at home or out and about, they could literally die! Most definitely the work of a responsible adult.

‘You are not independent’- again, such a poor argument. SAHPs are actually extremely independent, capable of operating day to day often alone, making all decisions, dealing personally with everything. Whilst working I had far more support from a large team, I’ve never felt so independent actually.

I actually don’t know anybody IRL who works full or part time who could afford their home and bills without their other half. The modern obsession with being financially independent has never been less feasible with the soaring cost of living, and what is wrong with interdependence anyway? Often far better for individual, familial and societal well being 🤷🏻‍♀️

I felt like you, OP. I quit my job and I'm a housewife and absolutely loving it. It's the best decision I've ever made! Life is short, so do what makes you happy if you can afford to live on one salary.

I would love my headstone to say ‘great doctor’! I go above and beyond for my patients and truly care. I would love to be remembered for that.

If most mums stayed at home during their early childbearing years, we would not have senior women doctors for example. Do you think that’s a good thing?

This isn't necessarily true though if society changed that so that career breaks weren't penalised so heavily. This is a huge part of the problem! Of course it would be natural to have some kind of penalty for taking a few years out but it doesn't need to be as crazily high as it is at the moment in lots of industries and professions.

Well it would be very difficult for a resident doctor to train if they took ten years off in their twenties, till say their three kids were at school. And then training with young kids at school is tough. They might not reach consultant level till their mid to late forties earliest. Whilst the men would get there by their mid-thirties.

I don’t know why so many are content to accept the gender pay gap.

Most people don't have three kids in their 20s and most people aren't doctors. If someone has a child in their 30s with an already established career and wants to take a few years out then in most industries this wouldn't make a material difference to their ability to do their job.

Except there are and have been women having children then going on to become doctors and lawyers and such. And no one is ‘happily’ accepting the gender pay gap, there should be no such gap under any circumstances - that’s a problem with the system, not with women choosing to take time with their kids, you’re fighting the wrong issue. And if paternity were more fair maybe more men could take career breaks to raise their children.And actually if the ge see pay gap didn’t exist in the first place maybe more men would stay at home with their kids than women doing it because their husband automatically earns more money. There’s problem isn’t women, the problem is society being designed for men. Focus on the problems there.

Yes I know. But we need women doctors at senior level. Things are improving but not enough. Lots of girls get to medical school but the number of women consultants is still way behind men. We need to look at the reasons for that. And certainly we need to make it so that more men can take and are willing to take time off to look after their young children.

I don’t think that going back to the days of encouraging mothers to stay at home to look after their young children instead of developing their career is a good thing at all. They need to be adequately supported so that they can be consultants too.

How would women on here feel about their male partner staying at home, and the woman being the only one working.

We are still very much driven by society "gender roles". Which just about sees it as acceptable for the woman to stay at home.

But I know some men who would like to stay home whole their female partner works.

As I said up thread if my husband expressed an interest in this and I could get work that would cover our income needs then I’d be okay with it. I’d prefer it if it was me, but I think if my child had a parent at home I’d be happy with it being him if it couldn’t be me.

IF that’s what they want. But as this thread has shown, not everyone wants that. It should be that we are supporting all women to make choices for themselves and their families. We should also make those who do want to stay home adequately supported if that’s in the best interest of their family.

It’s just not true that anyone who is divorced and was a SAHM will then live in poverty. You can’t say this as you don’t know OPs situ. She’s not asking about the finances.

There are many ways to skin a cat. A mother or father taking a few years out should only be a few years behind their peers. Even in the medical profession there is no real reason why a few years out in your 30s prevents you from becoming a consultant. It might delay you a bit but it shouldn't make a massive difference. The system could be reformed and the penalty could be lowered but they don't want to do that. It suits those who don't want the time out to keep the system the same.

It isn't about going back to the old days but looking forward. We need systems and careers that work for how people want to live. Someone shouldn't be condemned or written off because they want to take a few years out to do something else. It's an insane waste of talent and leads to discontent workers.

I agree it’s a waste of talent.

I work on supporting resident doctors in our Trust who come back after a period of long leave. Some are coming back from sickness leave, but the majority are coming back from maternity leave. It is very difficult for many of them to return even after a year away as they do lose a lot of confidence and skills in that time. We have a scheme to support these residents of course. But for people who have a few years off it can be a real challenge to get back into the profession. It is a very demanding career and things are constantly changing. It is of course not impossible to return, but these doctors will need a lot of support in a rather unforgiving NHS.

My initial comment was responding to the poster who said this: ‘Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home’. I could not disagree more with that.

Re looking forward, I honestly don’t know if there is appetite for change. I reckon that the majority of respondents on this thread have said that once they had children, they lost the appetite to work and they would rather stay home and bake and fold clothes etc. I don’t think many on here are that keen to change the status quo.

That’s great — I’m sure you could have that written on your headstone! And of course, I really appreciate that you go above and beyond for your patients, even when the NHS doesn’t always create the best conditions for it. That kind of dedication is truly admirable — we need more doctors like you.
I also went above and beyond for my patients when I worked as a psychologist in the NHS, before choosing to become a stay-at-home mum. Now, I pour that same care and commitment into my family and others I can give more attention to since leaving full-time work. I still do private work on Saturdays.
I think we can all agree that everyone has their own priorities and makes the choices they feel are best for themselves and their families. It’s human to try to persuade others that your view is more valid — but ultimately, we all want what’s best.
That said, one objective truth remains: little babies shouldn't be in nursery too early — not at 6, 10, or 16 months. Ideally, they should be cared for by their mothers in those early stages. The system should support that, not penalise women who choose to give their children a strong emotional and behavioural foundation in life.

Exactly, it’s the system, a system designed to support men and their choices, that’s the issue. Not women who make choices for their families. It’s so depressing that women are still being penalised for this. And will probably continue to be so because the system won’t change because it suits the ‘right’ people.

At least you want to clean. I just want to lounge around and watch Netflix.

I’m referring to mothers who say they prefer to work rather than look after their children — who seem to do anything just to avoid staying with them, even when they have the option. That’s what I mean.

Thanks. It is great that you gave so much to your patient group too.

But did you really mean this: ‘Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home’?
And did you have this belief when you had women patients who were working?

The status quo doesn't allow people to spend a few years baking or folding clothes. That's the point of this thread really. There is no flexibility to accommodate the desire to focus slightly more on the home or young children for a relatively short period of time without being hugely penalised for doing this. This is where people want to see change.

I have friends that are doctors and understand what you're saying. It is a particularly tricky profession to take time out from. I also think the intensity leads to a lot of burn out and anxiety from predominantly mothers who are working PT/FT as doctors and trying to run a household and spend time with children too. One of my friends has very much taken the 'mummy track' but still struggles to keep on top of things at home with an engaged and competent DH. I think balance is very hard to achieve in the medical profession until you do become a consultant and then suddenly it seems to become easier to call the shots.