To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

Woman also isn't just staying at home taking care of children, cooking and cleaning either. We are so much more than that and absolutely don't belong at home.

When do women choose work over home and family?

Having financial independence is never a waste of time.

@JohnnysMama Also, why is it only a problem when women choose work over home and family? Not that I know any who choose it over home and family, just some who choose to work when they could financially be better off home.

Why isn't it a problem when men choose work over home and family? I'm lucky that DH is clear with work that his family comes first and so his hours don't go over X and overtime is to be spread out across the team and not all on him for weekends etc. But I know men who will choose to work extra despite not needing it financially. And at least one man who has told his wife he'd rather be at work.

Wow, okay. I do work, you know, as I’ve stated over and over, I am talking about how I feel.

I don’t think someone caring for a child and doing all household chores and admin and child admin etc is a child. You must have been some form of child prodigy if you raised children when you were a child.

What a warped view of the massive contribution that millions of women (and some men) have made over history.

I presume, if you have a partner and they pay 50/50 with you, that you are 50% child? Unless you completely sustain yourself and no one pays you any money? You don’t receive child benefit from the government for your own kids if you have any or any such thing? Because if you receive a penny from anyone else, any inheritance or anything, your argument is utterly invalid as you are not 100% self sustaining.

Not to mention women who bring home less money than what it costs them in childcare. The only reason they can work is because of the government free hours. Would you say they are also like a child @Tripleblue ? I know of someone who works in a nursery and her own child is in nursery looked after somebody else. She’s no better off working that she would have been at home with her own child. Utter madness. But the “feminists” on here would probably say that what she’s doing is the only right thing to do. God forbid we raise our own kids.

This. It is madness.

I don’t understand what some people want. I totally get the argument that it’s risky financially to not have any income and protecting yourself and your pension etc, but I don’t get the idea that it’s unacceptable to want to be with your offspring, especially when they’re little. I don’t get how it’s anti-woman to want to be with the child you once carried? Just to add, I don’t think it’s anti-woman to want to work either, I understand both points of view. But in response to that poster, why is it so unacceptable to want to focus on parenting and the home life that goes along with it?

The only thing that's anti-woman is thinking that women aren't allowed an opinion or a desire.

You can want to work. You can want to be at home. You can want to do both.

Some women are able choose which they do. They should be allowed to.

This is insane!

Most people in this country aren't truly financially independent. They have merged finances with their partners to fund the family unit and more than half are net beneficiaries of the welfare state. Even if you are currently financially independent, unless you are mega wealthy then there is always the chance that your health will fail and you will become financially dependent on either someone else or the state.

So are the majority of the population like children? It makes absolutely no sense.

That’s a problem - always comparing to men. Why do we have to compare to men. I cannot respond for men,I can only respond as a woman- I see the value of me staying at home and looking after my children. Moreover, I have time to develop my hobbies, which I didn’t have when I worked full time. Whoever said that ‘women are more than just staying at home’ has no clue what they are talking about. You do not just stay at home binge watching Netflix, stuffing your mouth. For me staying at home is spending time with my son, teaching him, meeting people, making my home a place I and other people want to be, do what your soul wants to do (hobbies, outings, studying etc). That’s it. Financial independence, never felt I’m not financially independent. My husband is also not financially independent - we have to consult greater spendings and we both can spend on smaller things whenever we want.We have a joined account. Pretty much standard, even when you both work. And I still work on Saturday once a week. Also women are different than men - this is just biology. We shouldn’t compare to men. We have something to contribute they don’t have, and they have something we don’t. We are complimentary not competitors.

Yet there seems to be a fair few women who really feel strongly that being a sahm is a horrendous choice.

To be fair though, there have been a couple on this thread who think that working women are the devil too, so I suppose it works both ways. I don’t know. I started this thread as I was so unsure of my own feelings and wanted validation of them I guess, which it has done, but it has also highlighted to me that feminism is still working itself out.

You also often see how people praise nursery workers, saying they are “incredible” and “amazing” for providing all those fun activities for the kids (even though this is literally their job). Yet when a mum does the same for her own child- she’s “just” a housewife, a child, worthless.

There is nothing wrong with just wanting to be a housewife-the heart wants what the hearts wants, I wanted to be a housewife most of the time (I'm a freelancer) but I don't have children, there is still nothing wrong with that, but as you can see it causes a lot of negativity and rage, much of which comes from jealousy.
However, and it's a big however, as has been highlighted again and again you need to protect yourself financially from, death and divorce.
Trusting one's partner is wonderful, but it can leave you in a dreadful hole if things go wrong. Trusting you don't need to keep up with your career is also risky, life is uncertain and you could have to re enter the job market full time, at any time.
Don't beat yourself up justifying it to others, or yourself- if that is what makes you happy why the hell not?
Society accepts men should have what they want, as long as they earn plenty of money, but society feels women should sacrifice their happiness for their children and husband and bring in money-just ignore it, you need to focus on what makes you happy not on what the economy needs/wants- what do you want on your grave -beloved wife and mother, or helped the UK's GDP to debt ratio?

The point of equality though is that we can choose what's best for us just like men do. Why do men get choices but women don't?

Your way works for you because you're both happy with it and because you're both willing to make it work for each other.

It wouldn't work for others, myself included, because as much as I love my child, and being with her, doing things with her, cooking, cleaning etc, I need more mental stimulation than that. I get bored very easily. And when I get bored, I overthink, I get anxious, it's bad for me. Aside from that, we can't afford to live on one salary, so we both work.

Comparing to men or not, women should support women being allowed to do what's best for them. Why don't you?

Feminism is about a choice for women to do what they want to do professionally. She can fly into space and that’s fine, she can be SAHM and that is also great. She’s contributing no less to society than an austranaut woman. You feel this way - absolutely fine OP very valid feelings. Go for it if you can. Don’t look at those who tell you otherwise. I was a career woman now I’m a SAHM and happier than ever. And very busy, actually I do more variety of things and developed myself more than I did when working full time. I learned baking, cooking, I paint and sell my art, learn new language, run children’s group, go out and see different places. Do some charity work. My brain is challenged more now with a variety of things than when I worked full time.

Because men are allowed to have careers without judgement such as that they belong at home, are bad parents, put their careers first etc.

That's all I want and no, I don't see how I'm any different to a man who is a parent and wants to work.

I see nothing wrong with this at all. I've worked all my life and took on everything when my husband deserted us. Now retirement is in sight I can't wait to become a domestic goddess, have time to cook clean and garden! But I know I'll be doing it when I'm financially secure. If I'd not been working when my husband walked out, God knows what would have happened - I'd have lost my home for starters.

Yes it is normal. However I am at the other end in my early 50’s were I can’t wait to retire and I am literally counting couple of yrs between the last child finishing education and to be in a position I can manage the expenses once mortgage is paid & live a basic walking the dog kind of life, eating simple but healthy meals. Not sure if I am in the minority as well but I feel life at present ppl care abt things that are not important. Some of my friends re fighting to climb up & I honestly don’t care, just watching my pension to get to a place I can manage with a bit of flexibility and I am good to go

Reading yr post firstly u don’t have to be rich but savvy and plan accordingly early on in yr career and it can be done. Secondly your post it sounds like working from a fear factor and having being sold u must be independent. What the original post was asking and what u are talking abt are 2 different things

Where did you get an idea I don’t support other women’s choices? I replied to few posts where I said women should do what they want to do and what works for them and their families. Except- choosing work over children intentionally. That means there are some issues that need to be addressed for her own mental health sake and her family. I absolutely support women. I just say SAHM is the best option for me and many women. I do not just cook and clean and play with my child. I do lots of other things: learning languages, painting, run a history channel on YouTube, do some charity work. All those things are as equally mentally challenging as my work tbh minus stress and pressure. That’s my version of SATH. I think everyone also has different ideas of what SAHM means. And that’s fine because it is different for everyone.

Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home. Nobody does better job looking after children than their own mother.

And all choices are valid and valuable except when women choose work over home and family

Also women are different than men - this is just biology. We shouldn’t compare to men. We have something to contribute they don’t have, and they have something we don’t

These are your words. Your words showing that you think women are supposed to be at home.

And what can men contribute that women can't? Breastfeeding aside, what can women contribute that men can't?

I replied to few posts where I said women should do what they want to do and what works for them and their families. Except- choosing work over children intentionally.

so what does choosing work over children mean? You also said women belong at home and mothers are best looking after children - so mothers working instead of being SAHMs means choosing work over children?

This is so reductive and lazy. Children being looked after in their own home by a parent is absolutely the best thing for them. But that can be either parent.

However it’s also true that a child looked after in a good childcare setting (at home or out of home) for limited (part time) hours is also an excellent care environment.

This kind of ‘women in the home’ argument is often made by SAHM who feel the need to justify their choices by putting down other women. It’s pathetic really.

Well, nobody on their deathbed regrets they didn't work harder. People usually regret they worked too much, didn't have (more) kids, didn't spend more time with their family, didn't travel, etc. It's vital to work if you don't have the money, but if you already have the money, you don't need to work to prove your worth to anybody or to yourself if spending time with your family is what you love. I regret my mom didn't even like speding time with us and always escaped to her (low-payed) work, so that she had an excuse not to be around her own kids and deal with their problems. She had 2 daughters and she couldn't care less about what we thought or what we liked. I grew up feeling so lonely. It's great that you can spend time with your child and give her love (and that you enjoy it).

The best thing for children is happy, functional, fulfilled parents who are willing and able to make the best choices for their children.

If I don't work two things happen. Firstly, my mental health takes a dive. Bad for my child. Secondly, our standard of living takes a dive and we can't afford the (already quite small) roof over our heads. Bad for my child.

If DH doesn't work, the same two things happen.

Therefore, the best thing for my child is not one of us staying home 100% of the time. We made a choice that I wouldn't work full time, despite the fact we'd be significantly better off if I did even with extra childcare, because we decided part time nursery was better for her than full time. And we can afford it.

Other parents make different choices. Providing they are making the right ones for their circumstances and family and not neglecting their children or themselves, then those choices are the best thing for those children.

Miserable, struggling parents who are at home are not good for children. Miserable, struggling parents who are always at work are not good for children. Make the best choice you can for your family circumstances. That's all any of us can do.

nobody on their deathbed regrets they didn't work harder.

It's not about sitting the longest at your desk though. There are plenty of people, mostly women, who very much regret they didn't do more in life, didn't go to uni to study something they were passionate about, didn't take that interesting career opportunity or promotion, didn't fulfil their professional ambitions.