To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

@CasketBase I am 100% with you! I am exactly the same now! I was obsessed with my career before my kiddo came along. Now, different story.
I absolutely love doing laundry; hanging it up, folding, ironing etc. So soothing!
Work was highly pressured during my pregnancy and I didn’t get to enjoy it at all. Mat leave was rough too. But now, being back at work I find myself daydreaming about my days being filled with homely pursuits. I’m suddenly interested in sewing my own clothes, growing vegetables etc. What happened to me?! Ha ha ha

(I have no idea whether being a housewife is anywhere as wonderful as I am daydreaming about, and I don’t think its going to happen for me but I do share your experience)

It happened to me!!

I never wanted children but fell pregnant with a surprise 3 years ago.

I always imagined I’d be happy going to back to work. If you had asked my friends and father would have said the same.

But after my baby was born I just did not want to go back to work. I went back when she was 11 months, I dropped a day. But I really really struggled. Last October I dropped my management role and move to over night team leader. I just do 2, 7 hour shifts a week. We couldn’t afford for me to not bring anything home. This was a great compromise.

I gave up work after the birth of my second child, I had worked in marketing before that and had once been fairly ambitious. I was fortunate to be a SAHM for 10 years while my children were young, I volunteered during that time helping run a toddler group and pre school committee member. They were the BEST years of my life and I was totally fulfilled, we had fun attending toddler groups and had a farm / soft play annual pass. While we didn’t have much spare for luxuries, we had enough for a cheap holiday in the UK once or twice a year. I started very part time bank work when my youngest turned 4, but as the cost of living has increased, we now also have a bigger house, higher council tax, high electricity costs, the children are now teenagers and eat us out of house and home so I have gradually increased to working 3 days a week in an admin job that is as dull as dishwater. We aren’t financially any better off than 15 years ago as everything is eaten up by bills, I keep praying for a lottery win. I love my non working days just being at home ironing, cleaning, gardening and preparing meals, my husband would love for us to be able to afford to for me to be at home full time but until the children move out we can’t afford it. The children still need ferrying around most evenings to various sport clubs / friends houses, and I find working 3 days and managing the house a push, working full time would send me over the edge. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer but choice would be nice, I 100% wouldn’t choose to work if it wasn’t for the money, but I’d happily volunteer helping others. I remember the digs from the in-laws when I was a SAHM, when will I be returning to work etc. As a woman, someone will always have something to say and you can’t do right from wrong. I loved every minute being around for my children, doing all the school runs etc, I feel that choice has sadly been taken away from a lot of families due to the cost of housing and life in general, I also think this is having a negative impact on children’s behaviour. It’s also frowned upon now if you don’t want to have a career, often people judge you on what profession you have and I felt looked down upon as just a SAHM. I don’t think you can win either way but just do what suits you and your family best.

Tell that to my friend E. He left her for another woman. She was a SAH mum. Got a 1st at uni but had been out of the job market for 12 years. Now works in an entry level office job which she struggled to find. Lives in a tiny 2 bed flat.

He's married to another woman (not his affair partner) who is wealthy in her own right. Massive home, multiple holidays a year. All the while avoiding CM for his children. She's struggling to meet rising rents and pay the bills.

I thrive best on full time intellectual jobs or roles. Where I have to use high level problem solving skills.
But in retirement I enjoy peace and quiet. Books, a cat, a tiny garden.

Those women aren't burnt out because they are working though, they are burnt out because their husband's aren't pulling their weight at home.

I work FT with 3 children under the age of 3 and I'm not burnt out at all. Mostly due to the fact that my DH doesn't believe that cooking, cleaning and caring for children is only my responsibility. I'm also the higher earner so if anyone was to stay at home, it would be him.

Careful, you're entering that territory where you might say that not all husbands are terrible and someone will tell you you're lying and/or smug!

Or ''lucky''. I hate that one too, it isn't luck. Women aren't helpless and can and do have choices.

If he didn't respect the fact that cooking, cleaning and taking care of children is just as much his responsibility as it is mine then we wouldn't be together.

Same. Wouldn't have chosen him if I thought he'd be like that, and if I'd turned out to be wrong I'd have walked away from him.

Love him very much, but I'm capable of supporting myself and I would rather do that than be miserable in my relationship.

DH knows that. And he expects the same respect from me as I do from him. So I'd also expect him to walk away if I wasn't treating him equally.

But you know. We're "lucky" or lying or deluded.

I had a big job in the City with a bank. I adopted two children when I was 40. Went back after a year, hated it. Resigned and have never regretted it. It does leave you financially vulnerable though. But I realised I have adhd, probably asd - my daughters were both being assessed and I realised how true the descriptions were of me!

I read that people with adhd often do well at school and uni, then work, because of the structure. When you stay at home, your adhd becomes more pronounced as you don't have that external structure.

I also have huge sensory issues and get overwhelmed easily. I could just about cope when I was just working but trying to do everything was too much. I had to prioritise.

The other point is the adhd hyper focus. It was useful when I was working, but I simply couldn't focus on work and the girls at the same time. Again, I had to prioritise.

Good luck.

I know where you’re coming from. When I was pregnant with my first I hated every minute of it and was planning on sending him off to nursery at 6months…well that didn’t work out for various reasons and I stayed a SAHM for 6yrs. It took some time to grow into the new me and some things, like craving my own independent income or tangible intellectual achievements, were always at the back of my mind.
(No, my husband didn’t leave me, no he wasn’t out always and never involved with his child and he was all for sharing what he earned equally, I didn’t feel like I should take it away from him- to stop the regular feedback).
I then went back part-time, we had our 2nd and now we’re both part-time splitting the week between us - there’s huge value and fullfilment in both work inside and outside of the house. In fact I find it very frustrating when even women perpetuate the concept of work outside of the house being somehow more important- it’s simply not. We both find joy in being with our children and intellectual challenge in working (and I do enjoy working, I do not want to be climbing any ladders, but find huge satisaction at improving in my technical skills and doing them well). It’s also exhausting and the constant task switching does get draining for ND brains. I actually did say the other day, that if he wanted to go full time I wouldn’t necessarily mind staying home again completely as I could get on top of the housework and find a rhythm with the kids.😂 But I completely respect the fact that he enjoys both not working for pay as much and having more time with wee ones, so it just will take some time to make things work. But, yes, I do get where you’re coming from.

Someone supports you. You are not independent. You are like a child. Indebted and a mouth to feed.

Same, I've always been independent, studied and worked hard, but now I have no Interest in ambition. Some.of my friends are superwomen but I know I'm not, just want a quieter less stressful life being a sahm. Won't happen but I get you. Xxx

Totally natural and normal .Also means you are emotionally healthy if you want to stay with your child at home rather than going back to work. Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home. Nobody does better job looking after children than their own mother. I didn’t return to work after my son was born who is 2 years old now. And I was a career type woman with multiple degrees, qualifications and ambitions to do more academically and professionally. Now I just maintain my certification by doing different courses to show to the board that I’m up to date in the field. I do some private work occasionally on Saturday. Happier, calmer, relaxed, enjoying my slow life, catch every moment with my son, see him growing and developing. Never looked back. DH had to change job and works very hard to maintain the family, we are obviously less financially comfortable but everyone is so much happier. I’m happy to look after our son and home. Baby is happy mum is with him always, and DH is happy because I’m happy, calm, home is clean, lots of nice food, bakes and cosy. Which was not the case before - the house was always a mess, we had to employ a cleaner, frequent take aways, I brought my work home and ended up spending evenings writing articles, reports etc. As someone commented here what about if something happens and you have to go back to work and what about role model to your children. All I can say, have a skill and keep it up to date in case something happens, have a life insurance, and teach children - girls especially, that it’s a good idea to have an education and work, and if she gets married she can be a stay at home mum if she likes or she can still work.

Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home. Nobody does better job looking after children than their own mother

What a load of utter twaddle. You can’t state that as a universal fact. If I had of been forced to stay home and could not go to work I would have ended up swinging from a tree. There’s nothing wrong with that. Didn’t make me emotionally unhealthy! I was happy to stay at home with our kids as long as I could also work. No way I could have been emotionally happy just staying home with the kids, some people can be, some can’t be, everyone’s different and no right or wrong. Exactly the same for DH, he was happy to stay at home with the kids as long as he could also work, he didn’t want to just stay at home either. So we were both full time parents between us and both worked full time, by working around each other, we used no care for our kids and had no family near, so was all on us (we chose this vs putting kids in care simply because we could work it logistically). The fact both of wanted to work as well as being with the kids did not make us emotionally unhealthy at all, how bizarre.

As for nobody does as good a job looking after kids as their mother, words fail me. It’s not the 40’s anymore where men are hands off. As long as a father is hands on and engaged, they are no different to a mother. My DH did every bit as good a job looking after our kids as I did. Because I didn’t marry and choose to have kids with an incompetent fuckwit. We both had our strengths and weaknesses with the kids, but like anything, it’s based on individuals, it was nothing gender related. Sure, I breast-fed, which he couldn’t do, but he did absolutely everything else and always seemed to have a sling permanently attached to him when we had babies🤣.

I am with you wholeheartedly, although I always knew I wanted this life.

I’ve got a postgraduate degree and had a good career, but ever since I’ve been a mother - honestly since I started trying for a baby and through fertility treatment especially - I just stopped caring about my job. I cut back to working just one day a week in pregnancy and will likely never return to paid work.

Now that I have an almost 18 month old I honestly am happier than I’ve ever been at home with her every day. I don’t miss paid employment in the slightest and know how lucky I am to have so much time with my daughter, and she’s absolutely thriving with so much 1:1 attention.

I’d love a big family and I started having children young so could easily finish having children 10 years from now, and have the next 15 ish years with a young child at home.

I don’t think I’ll ever be going back to work.

I’m incredibly aware of how privileged I am and how few people are able to make this choice when the cost of living is so high.

And before someone asks what I’ll do if my husband leaves me or dies - I am in the fortunate position of being independently wealthy (family money/inheritance) without him, plus we have various investments and life insurance policies. Not every stay at home mother is miserable or trapped or a burden on her husband! Some women just love doing the “traditional thing” caring for children and the home and that’s just as valid a choice as not having children at all, or having them and using childcare and working full time.

but the best place for a woman is home. Nobody does better job looking after children than their own mother.

no, and also no. I would hate being a SAHM and I would do a terrible job. And yes our lovely nanny is in fact better at looking after toddlers, she actually enjoys fingerpainting. DH (who was a SAHD) is much better as well.

I'm still very much a woman though. Ironically of course I am considered a mediocre mother at best, because I don't want to be a SAHM. I would be considered the most brilliant dad though - OMG earning all this money and still so hands on!

They are only little once and it goes so quick. I think its lovely you are enjoying it. I went to visit my nanas grave recently and I think its very overlooked how it's written on headstones, loving mother, wife, sister etc it doesn't say great manager, director or devoted worker...

I think its very overlooked how it's written on headstones, loving mother, wife, sister etc it doesn't say great manager, director or devoted worker...

Well if you take that argument, I just checked a page of newspaper obituaries and all of them are about people's accomplishments outside the house - not a single 'Jane Smith, she always polished her own kitchen floor to perfection'

I think it’s normal to want to make a ‘nest’ for your family, especially while they are young. Ultimately our babies are important and it does change the mindset of how we feel about work. We work because we have to not because we want to in many cases. Those who enjoy their jobs enough to prioritise it are lucky.

As for pensions - unless you have a high paying job and can retire early at the rate things are going we’ll be dead before we get our pensions. It was 60 when I started working and now I’m looking at 67, assuming it doesn’t go up again. Taking time out for our children isn’t a bad thing.

I think its very overlooked how it's written on headstones, loving mother, wife, sister etc it doesn't say great manager, director or devoted worker

But how is that any different for a man. Their headstones have loving son to Maree, husband to Amelia and father to Lucy and Harold. Nothing about their work status either. Yet, we live in a world where people do need to work unless we are all back to living in caves hunting for our food (in which case it’s pretty much a full time occupation for all concerned re hunting and gathering anyway).

It sounds like you couldn't cope with working and you're assuming it applies to all women for some reason.

I absolutely don't belong at home just because I have a vagina.

My idea of hell tbh but if it works for you why not? Keep your options open though because your circumstances may change and so may your feelings as your child gets older.

Coped fine before having children then priorities changed. Why do I have to waste my time working outside home when I can invest all my energy into my family. Of course some women have to work even when they don’t want to. Some women are happy to do both. And all choices are valid and valuable except when women choose work over home and family. And this is alarming. Tells that there are some issues that need to be looked into and addressed. And WOMAN is not just a ‘vagina’ unless this is how you see your womanhood….

Oh for goodness’ sake.