Page 19 | To just want to be a housewife?

CasketBase · 2025-04-22T09:23:22+00:00

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening. Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 17:16

Bumpitybumper · 24/04/2025 17:08

The status quo doesn't allow people to spend a few years baking or folding clothes. That's the point of this thread really. There is no flexibility to accommodate the desire to focus slightly more on the home or young children for a relatively short period of time without being hugely penalised for doing this. This is where people want to see change.

I have friends that are doctors and understand what you're saying. It is a particularly tricky profession to take time out from. I also think the intensity leads to a lot of burn out and anxiety from predominantly mothers who are working PT/FT as doctors and trying to run a household and spend time with children too. One of my friends has very much taken the 'mummy track' but still struggles to keep on top of things at home with an engaged and competent DH. I think balance is very hard to achieve in the medical profession until you do become a consultant and then suddenly it seems to become easier to call the shots.

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I have a lot of admiration for resident doctors who juggle exams, parenthood and on-call lives. I became a consultant at 31 and then had my kids. It was still extremely tough, but I had an equal partner in my husband. And yes, it was easier as a consultant as I had no more exams to do.

I did leave my babies at nursery early however, as we had a mortgage to pay. Other people’s comments on that do not bother me however as my children are now in their early 20s and we have the best relationship and they are happy and secure. In fact my 20y son came into my room earlier today and thanked me for something, saying that I am totally the best mum ever. So I think I will let any nursery guilt go!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:08

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 16:59

I’m referring to mothers who say they prefer to work rather than look after their children — who seem to do anything just to avoid staying with them, even when they have the option. That’s what I mean.

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So what you think is that women who have children and then find that they are miserable being at home but are able to be great parents if they are fulfilled with work a few days a week are what? Bad parents? Neglectful?

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:11

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 17:06

Thanks. It is great that you gave so much to your patient group too.

But did you really mean this: ‘Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home’?
And did you have this belief when you had women patients who were working?

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When I worked, I genuinely loved my job and was very focused on it. At the time, I didn’t have the personal perspective I do now, and I fully expected to return to work relatively quickly though even then, I believed that waiting at least 2–3 years before going back would be best for my child’s development.
Over time I’ve come to understand more deeply the emotional and practical conflicts many women face when it comes to balancing work and family. And I now hold the belief that home is the best place for a woman when there are little children involved — at least during those early, formative years, until they gain some level of independence.
I believe young children benefit enormously from having their mother present and involved in their daily care and early learning.
As for the patient group I worked with — they were mostly individuals facing severe mental health issues and often not able to work or live independently, so it’s not a directly comparable group in the context of this discussion.
I understand that not everyone will share this view, and that’s okay. But it’s where I’ve landed through both my professional and lived experience as a mother.

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:20

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:08

So what you think is that women who have children and then find that they are miserable being at home but are able to be great parents if they are fulfilled with work a few days a week are what? Bad parents? Neglectful?

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No, that’s not what I meant at all! I’m not referring to women who work to maintain balance and care for their mental health so they can be better, more present parents — that’s completely understandable and admirable.
What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids, even when they could be. That’s a different situation.
And I’m not saying they’re bad or neglectful parents — I believe in most cases, these patterns come from unresolved issues that need attention and support. But I do think it’s important to acknowledge the difference.

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 18:26

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:11

When I worked, I genuinely loved my job and was very focused on it. At the time, I didn’t have the personal perspective I do now, and I fully expected to return to work relatively quickly though even then, I believed that waiting at least 2–3 years before going back would be best for my child’s development.
Over time I’ve come to understand more deeply the emotional and practical conflicts many women face when it comes to balancing work and family. And I now hold the belief that home is the best place for a woman when there are little children involved — at least during those early, formative years, until they gain some level of independence.
I believe young children benefit enormously from having their mother present and involved in their daily care and early learning.
As for the patient group I worked with — they were mostly individuals facing severe mental health issues and often not able to work or live independently, so it’s not a directly comparable group in the context of this discussion.
I understand that not everyone will share this view, and that’s okay. But it’s where I’ve landed through both my professional and lived experience as a mother.

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‘The best place for a woman is home’

I understand you made the decision for you. However, this comment makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

I am from a culture where many people believe that a woman should stay at home and women do not have a voice. And it can have serious consequences. It also has connotations from the Handmaid‘s tale. I am afraid that I really do not like seeing anyone saying this kind of blanket statement; when a woman says it, I find it really concerning.

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 18:27

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:20

No, that’s not what I meant at all! I’m not referring to women who work to maintain balance and care for their mental health so they can be better, more present parents — that’s completely understandable and admirable.
What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids, even when they could be. That’s a different situation.
And I’m not saying they’re bad or neglectful parents — I believe in most cases, these patterns come from unresolved issues that need attention and support. But I do think it’s important to acknowledge the difference.

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What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids

How many women do you know like this?
it sounds quite an extreme situation and must be pretty unusual.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:28

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:20

No, that’s not what I meant at all! I’m not referring to women who work to maintain balance and care for their mental health so they can be better, more present parents — that’s completely understandable and admirable.
What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids, even when they could be. That’s a different situation.
And I’m not saying they’re bad or neglectful parents — I believe in most cases, these patterns come from unresolved issues that need attention and support. But I do think it’s important to acknowledge the difference.

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Can you at least think about how often you talk about the women who avoid their children, who choose work, who go to the gym, do classes, whatever but not the men?

Dad's have an equal responsibility for their children. It takes both mum and dad to create them. Both mum and dad are responsible for caring for the children, raising them, spending time with them.

You seem to be placing all the responsibility, and therefore blame/shame/guilt for having a life outside of being a parent, on mothers only. Dad's exist too. They should also not be choosing other things over home and family when they don't need to. And if dad is there, why can't mum have a couple of gym sessions in a week? Why can't mum see her friends?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:34

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 18:27

What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids

How many women do you know like this?
it sounds quite an extreme situation and must be pretty unusual.

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I know a lot of men like this. I know one woman with a really high pressure job that she does in 4 days who often goes out over a weekend with her friends, sometimes with children, but regularly without. @JohnnysMama would probably see her life and use her as an example of women she's referring to.

What most people don't know or see is that her husband works away all week. So Monday to Friday, sometimes Sunday to Friday or Monday to Saturday depending on where he is, she's basically a single parent. So she often goes out of a weekend for her mental health. Her mum has him one or two afternoons so after work she can go to the gym or swim or have an hour to read a book or even just catch up on housework.

Unless you actually know how their lives work, people are judging based on assumptions from the odd bits you see. And it's usually wrong.

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:35

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:28

Can you at least think about how often you talk about the women who avoid their children, who choose work, who go to the gym, do classes, whatever but not the men?

Dad's have an equal responsibility for their children. It takes both mum and dad to create them. Both mum and dad are responsible for caring for the children, raising them, spending time with them.

You seem to be placing all the responsibility, and therefore blame/shame/guilt for having a life outside of being a parent, on mothers only. Dad's exist too. They should also not be choosing other things over home and family when they don't need to. And if dad is there, why can't mum have a couple of gym sessions in a week? Why can't mum see her friends?

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Eh, you’re missing the point. I can’t write essays here. You asked me to clarify — I did — and now it feels like there’s a need for yet another explanation. This applies to men as well, of course. Children need both parents to be involved.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:36

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:35

Eh, you’re missing the point. I can’t write essays here. You asked me to clarify — I did — and now it feels like there’s a need for yet another explanation. This applies to men as well, of course. Children need both parents to be involved.

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So why is the best place for women at home? Why is it not "best that a parent is home"?

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 18:41

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:34

I know a lot of men like this. I know one woman with a really high pressure job that she does in 4 days who often goes out over a weekend with her friends, sometimes with children, but regularly without. @JohnnysMama would probably see her life and use her as an example of women she's referring to.

What most people don't know or see is that her husband works away all week. So Monday to Friday, sometimes Sunday to Friday or Monday to Saturday depending on where he is, she's basically a single parent. So she often goes out of a weekend for her mental health. Her mum has him one or two afternoons so after work she can go to the gym or swim or have an hour to read a book or even just catch up on housework.

Unless you actually know how their lives work, people are judging based on assumptions from the odd bits you see. And it's usually wrong.

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Yes many men behave like this. But JohnnysMama doesn’t want any comparison to men for some reason…

Original poster

CasketBase · 24/04/2025 18:44

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:20

No, that’s not what I meant at all! I’m not referring to women who work to maintain balance and care for their mental health so they can be better, more present parents — that’s completely understandable and admirable.
What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids, even when they could be. That’s a different situation.
And I’m not saying they’re bad or neglectful parents — I believe in most cases, these patterns come from unresolved issues that need attention and support. But I do think it’s important to acknowledge the difference.

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I know a mother like this. I am genuinely concerned for her as I think there is something going on but she doesn’t want to discuss it. It’s worrying because the time will come when the children realise that their mum is somewhat avoiding them.

OP posts:

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:47

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 18:41

Yes many men behave like this. But JohnnysMama doesn’t want any comparison to men for some reason…

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Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

Aoppley · 24/04/2025 18:50

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 16:28

Yes I know. But we need women doctors at senior level. Things are improving but not enough. Lots of girls get to medical school but the number of women consultants is still way behind men. We need to look at the reasons for that. And certainly we need to make it so that more men can take and are willing to take time off to look after their young children.

I don’t think that going back to the days of encouraging mothers to stay at home to look after their young children instead of developing their career is a good thing at all. They need to be adequately supported so that they can be consultants too.

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What happened to women making choices that work for them?

I absolutely adore my little ones and so I decided to give up work for a few years because time with my children is far more precious to me than my career progression. I was unhappy when I went back to work after my second maternity leave ended because I missed my children. They both now get so much out of the time I'm investing in them, and my husband is happy to work to support us all as he enjoys his job and doesn't feel like he's missing out time with the kids. There's the added benefit of having more time for nutritious home-made meals every day of the week and far less stress about trying to tidy and do everything while I was at work. I love it and I feel so much more fulfilled and able to be the best mother I can be this way.

If a woman would rather progress her career and earning potential, great for her! But leave her to make that choice rather than going around trying to convince her that one choice is wrong and one right.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 18:53

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:47

Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

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The point is, men are afforded the choice, and when they are good family men they're applauded. When they choose a career they're good providers.

But when women make a choice that takes them away from the home, they're judged and called poor mothers. When they make a choice that keeps them in the home they're judged because they aren't financially independent.

It's not about behaving like men. It's about being allowed to choose and not be judged or shamed. Like men are allowed to.

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 19:00

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:47

Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

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It’s not about being like men. It is about having the same opportunities as men and being allowed by society to do the things that men do. There is a difference.

RedHairBob · 24/04/2025 19:02

Aoppley · 24/04/2025 18:50

What happened to women making choices that work for them?

I absolutely adore my little ones and so I decided to give up work for a few years because time with my children is far more precious to me than my career progression. I was unhappy when I went back to work after my second maternity leave ended because I missed my children. They both now get so much out of the time I'm investing in them, and my husband is happy to work to support us all as he enjoys his job and doesn't feel like he's missing out time with the kids. There's the added benefit of having more time for nutritious home-made meals every day of the week and far less stress about trying to tidy and do everything while I was at work. I love it and I feel so much more fulfilled and able to be the best mother I can be this way.

If a woman would rather progress her career and earning potential, great for her! But leave her to make that choice rather than going around trying to convince her that one choice is wrong and one right.

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‘my husband is happy to work to support us all as he enjoys his job and doesn't feel like he's missing out time with the kids’

Why do you think he doesn’t feel like he is missing out on time with them?

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/04/2025 19:05

JohnnysMama · 24/04/2025 18:47

Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

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Because there's a massive double standard in society.

When men have 'big jobs' they are heroes for providing for their family.
When women have 'big jobs' they are selfish and choosing their career over their children to buy fancy handbags.

I'm not so much different to my DH. I enjoy my career and enjoy providing financially for my children, probably more than him to be fair. If anyone was to stay at home, it would be him.

Original poster

CasketBase · 24/04/2025 19:17

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/04/2025 19:05

Because there's a massive double standard in society.

When men have 'big jobs' they are heroes for providing for their family.
When women have 'big jobs' they are selfish and choosing their career over their children to buy fancy handbags.

I'm not so much different to my DH. I enjoy my career and enjoy providing financially for my children, probably more than him to be fair. If anyone was to stay at home, it would be him.

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And it absolutely shouldn’t be this way at all. It should be about choice. This thread has disappointed me because there are women shaming you for wanting to have your career and women shaming me for having a Desire not to want one, saying I’m letting the side down and letting women down and so on.

This shouldn’t be acceptable from either side. It should be about ensuring women have choices to do what they need for their own families. It angers me because if we can’t fucking support each other, how can we expect men to?

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/04/2025 19:30

CasketBase · 24/04/2025 19:17

And it absolutely shouldn’t be this way at all. It should be about choice. This thread has disappointed me because there are women shaming you for wanting to have your career and women shaming me for having a Desire not to want one, saying I’m letting the side down and letting women down and so on.

This shouldn’t be acceptable from either side. It should be about ensuring women have choices to do what they need for their own families. It angers me because if we can’t fucking support each other, how can we expect men to?

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I agree. Though it needs to be about parents having choices, not just women. We need men to start considering childcare to be their issue too, not just something that is seen as the woman's responsibility and her making all of the choices and sacrifices.

Men need to start making some sacrifices too. Otherwise it will always be women who are seen to be the default parent who has to sort childcare or give up their career to provide the childcare.

I'd start this by having paternity leave be longer than 2 weeks.

Original poster

CasketBase · 24/04/2025 19:35

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/04/2025 19:30

I agree. Though it needs to be about parents having choices, not just women. We need men to start considering childcare to be their issue too, not just something that is seen as the woman's responsibility and her making all of the choices and sacrifices.

Men need to start making some sacrifices too. Otherwise it will always be women who are seen to be the default parent who has to sort childcare or give up their career to provide the childcare.

I'd start this by having paternity leave be longer than 2 weeks.

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Fully agree, paternity needs to be addressed and made an equal opportunity. We also need to stop penalising people for career breaks so that it’s more of an attractive option to men. And if the gender pay gap was addressed then women could support the family more often rather than it seeming to typically fall to men as their salaries are often larger. The problem is society is still geared towards men being at work and women being at home, and whisky I am saying that’s what I currently would like, I don’t think it’s right that it’s expected and therefore makes women who want to choose a career more difficult. I think we need to address it with children and how they see men and women in society as women are so often still the default parent even if they’re in full time work.

OP posts:

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/04/2025 19:41

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/04/2025 19:30

I agree. Though it needs to be about parents having choices, not just women. We need men to start considering childcare to be their issue too, not just something that is seen as the woman's responsibility and her making all of the choices and sacrifices.

Men need to start making some sacrifices too. Otherwise it will always be women who are seen to be the default parent who has to sort childcare or give up their career to provide the childcare.

I'd start this by having paternity leave be longer than 2 weeks.

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Absolutely on the paternity thing.

When we had DD, DH wanted to take the max time off he could, saved up his AL and all sorts. When we looked at his paternity leave policy, he could have 2 weeks off at stat pay. Which meant we'd have lost money. It's no wonder most dad's don't take much time off.

Loub1987 · 24/04/2025 19:50

I don’t understand the issue some posters are having with this thread. The OP isn’t keen to work and would rather stay home (right now). She isn’t suggesting that this is the best way for women or for children, just that at this point it’s what she wants. It’s not a slap in the face to feminism.

I personally would like to be a stay at home mom but with childcare on many days a week 🤣

Original poster

CasketBase · 24/04/2025 19:52

Loub1987 · 24/04/2025 19:50

I don’t understand the issue some posters are having with this thread. The OP isn’t keen to work and would rather stay home (right now). She isn’t suggesting that this is the best way for women or for children, just that at this point it’s what she wants. It’s not a slap in the face to feminism.

I personally would like to be a stay at home mom but with childcare on many days a week 🤣

Exactly that! I just wanted to know if it was a common feeling. I’m really disappointed with how people have reacted in this thread to each other questioning each others actions and wants!

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/04/2025 19:57

CasketBase · 24/04/2025 19:35

Fully agree, paternity needs to be addressed and made an equal opportunity. We also need to stop penalising people for career breaks so that it’s more of an attractive option to men. And if the gender pay gap was addressed then women could support the family more often rather than it seeming to typically fall to men as their salaries are often larger. The problem is society is still geared towards men being at work and women being at home, and whisky I am saying that’s what I currently would like, I don’t think it’s right that it’s expected and therefore makes women who want to choose a career more difficult. I think we need to address it with children and how they see men and women in society as women are so often still the default parent even if they’re in full time work.

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and that's the only 'issue' I have with it really in that it will continue to be the societal norm as long as women continue to choose it BUT I'm talking about at a societal level rather than an individual level if you see what I mean. Of course at an individual level, women are going to make choices that they believe is best for themselves and their family and I don't blame them for that.

Women who want to be SAHM's aren't to blame though, society is and that is what needs to change.