To just want to be a housewife?

[CasketBase]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. Growing up as a teen I was very rebellious and independent, I wanted the world. Started working early, went to university, started working full time and studied in my spare time. My job prior to having a child was serious and I was working my way up. Then DC came and I went part time self employed and ever since I’ve had her, I don’t want that life at all. She is 3 and is part time in nursery whilst I work but originally I wanted to do well in my work but now I don’t care. All I want is to look after my daughter, clean my home, and spend my time cooking and gardening.
Is this normal?! I could t care less about a career or earning lots of money or anything. I live rurally and all I care about now is nature and ‘homliness’. I genuinely love ironing, hanging out the washing and making the beds. I have ADHD and these were jobs that used to paralyse me, but now I find comfort and calmness in them and it’s the work I can’t cope with. Is this a phase? Or is this something to do with becoming a parent? It’s bizarre, it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.

Same with my DH. He had 4 weeks off with DS and 6 weeks off with twin DD's and he felt like it wasn't enough and he was missing out, especially with DS, he was very upset going back to work so soon.

Fathers deserve more time with their babies.

Equal opportunity paternity leave is not enough - they tried it in Sweden, almost no dads used it. They only started once it was use it or lose it. And now it is very much expected that new dads take several months of leave.

Yes I completely get what you’re saying and agree with you, despite it being what I would choose right now if on could. Hopefully, one day, things will change for the benefit of all of us.

Oh yeah, I would have it be use it or lose it too. It needs to change, by force if necessary as Sweden did.

DH was the same. He's very hands on, very family orientated.

He changed jobs not long after and was clear from the start that he wasn't working stupid hours, wasn't working every weekend and needed flexibility to be part of raising his daughter.

He got it. Because he's good at his job and because he asked for it.

I'm still part time, because it works better for us to have one of us part time but because he's able to take time when she's ill, get out on time for pick ups etc. I can have a good presence in my role, push my career forwards even part time. I've had promotions since having DD.

It's important to me that she sees that she can have whatever she wants in life. Whether she wants a career or to be home with her babies or both or whatever. Her seeing me having both means she'll know it's possible to do whatever. And her seeing her dad be an active participant in our marriage, life, family, parenting her will show her that it's possible to have a proper partnership, if she wants one, and not to settle.

Because he gets to see them in the evenings and weekends, and tbh while he's absolutely happy to have them on his own, he finds it exhausting too and would rather do his job and progress his career. He's happier working and spending time with the kids in the evenings and weekends. I used to do the same as him and was miserable as I've explained. I'm happiest with my kids with me. That may change when they're older and don't need me as much but for now, this is the absolute best for us! ☺️

Loved this comment.. it's so true!

I prefer to credit women making their own decisions based upon what they want rather than gloss over the fact women are inclined toward certain roles simply because they were potentially encouraged into them. I don't buy it. If that were the case there would be no women in any roles outside of those traditionally seen as female. The influence society has on each person is not something that can be measured.

There is a gender pay gap but it isn't down to gender discrimination, it is illegal after all! As you have pointed out, many women choose to go part time or stop working once they have children. Women are less likely to work overtime. Men work more dangerous/physical jobs. These are what affect earnings.

'Once children arrive, childcare is largely seen as the woman's problem to organise, not a joint responsibility.' I don't know any couple that operates like that. It isn't normal.

I agree @MerlinsBeard1. There will be women forced into all sorts of roles that aren't right for them, and men too. My friend was pushed into being an accountant by her father, and it took.her years to switch to her preferred role of part time primary teacher, with three kids of her own. Other women will have been pushed into domesticity that wasn't right for them either.

I'm making choices that are based on me, but occasionally I get twinges of what other people think is right for me. I don't even always get what I want for me right myself!

Why would they find it miserable being at home with their dc? Because it’s too much hard work and easier to return to a job? I genuinely don’t understand not being argumentative 😊

Quite a few women who feel this way have posted to explain why they feel this way.

For me, it's partly that I do find looking after my children hard work. I also find it boring. I also find it very bad for my ADHD - I find the structure of work keeps me on a much more even keel.

But it's also that I find my career very fulfilling and on balance enjoyable.

I love my kids and I really enjoy the time that I do spend with them but I would be miserable being at home with them full time

OP I think it’s completely valid that you’re feeling this way. Absolutely go with your gut and how the decision will make you feel. Life is too short to be unhappy or to have regrets where our children are concerned.

I worked as a mental health nurse before having children. I always worked full time (at least). Done lots of extra training (became a therapist) and absolutely LOVED my job. As soon as my first DC came along my whole outlook on life changed (I’m not sure whether that’s considered ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in society now a days but it was how I felt). I gave up working and 10 years later I still don’t work. Not one single regret. I’m grateful everyday that I was in the position to do so.

It’s suits some mothers to return to their jobs and it doesn’t suit some. I really don’t think there’s a right or wrong just a ‘right for you and your family’

Be secure in your decision. Some people will judge you because you can’t make everyone happy but it won’t matter if you’re living your best life ❤️

(I address mothers as I’m a mother - I can’t speak for fathers)

Good luck in your decision and either way enjoy those babies, they don’t stay little long ❤️

That was really helpful actually.
We’re all so different aren’t we
I can see how some people would feel this way 😊

Because not everyone enjoys domesticity. And some people do, but need something else as well.

I love being home with DD on my non work days. I love cooking, baking, getting the house nice, walking, gardening, going to the park, doing crafts and painting etc. Genuinely do. But I can't do it 24/7, because it's not challenging enough for my mind and I need that or I get bored. And when I get bored I get in my head and overthink and that's dangerous for me, mentally.

So I would be miserable if my whole life was just the domestic side. Despite loving it as part of who I am, it's not all of me.

You think gender discrimination in the workplace doesn’t happen just because it’s illegal? Of course it still happens despite that, I’ve experienced it myself.

The opposite for me. I was bored and unfulfilled and needed more than just staying at home with my DC. I’ve also worked hard for my career, enjoy it and didn’t want to throw all of that hard work away.

What did the discrimination you experienced look like? Discrimination to the point that you were earning less than a man for doing the exact same job, exact same hours and had the exact same qualifications? We are talking about earnings after all.

I was looked over for an opportunity involving a few days travel due to the fact DS was a baby at the time and they didn't think I'd want to leave him. This would've likely helped with promotion which came with a pay rise so I missed out financially too.

Some of the men who were asked also had babies at home. I received a big apology, discrimination training happened etc and I was happy that it was resolved.

Well you changed your tune! You went from saying that choosing to be a SAHM was bad to saying it’s about choice. It IS about choice and the whole point of feminism is that women should have freedom to make choices without being made to feel bad by other women. Some people on this thread need to check themselves.

OP I get that you aren’t going to do it but I don’t think it’s bad to want it. As others have said it may only be a phase, who knows, but maybe for now see if you can make yourself financially secure enough that it could be a reality in the future.

Sorry to hear this, gender discrimination is alive and well but sometimes it’s sneaky enough that you can’t quite prove it.

@Giggleslikespickles Why would they find it miserable being at home with their dc? Because it’s too much hard work and easier to return to a job?

No, exactly the opposite. Because it’s not hard work and not challenging. Yes, of course there are toddler lack of sense and tantrums etc which are challenging in the moment but overall it’s just not. You don’t need special skills and it’s ’so easy’ that it can verge on monotonous no matter how you change it up and it’s too much say a sense of achievement, in that really you need a pretty poor bar not to produce well adjusted, happy children. I can even say that having SN kids with both ND and physical disability aspects. Even a lack of sleep wasn’t challenging per se. Prior to kids I’d trained in situations where we were made to do shifts of 36hrs straight, then home for less than a day then back to it (not allowed anymore), so lack of sleep with kids was a doddle in comparison.

I was always very pleased to walk out the door and leave mine, I lived them, knew I’d be back to spend a lot of time with them, and was happy to leave them with competent DH while I was gone. I then went off to get my fix of stimulation and challenge. Add in to that, I still to this day despise domesticity in any form (an absolute necessary evil I do but detest every second of it).

Why did you choose a domesticity life if you despise it? I would never choose to live a certain way if I hated it to then avoid it at all costs. This truly baffles me to my core.

How can you find raising your own children mundane and boring? That makes me feels sad 😞
Is there anything you could do to enjoy it more maybe? ❤️

@Giggleslikespickles Why did you choose a domesticity life if you despise it? I would never choose to live a certain way if I hated it to then avoid it at all costs. This truly baffles me to my core

What on earth are you on about? How can someone choose a life that involves no domesticity? I hate it, but am not prepared to live in a pigsty or to wear rank clothes! How can you choose to live any other way? It doesn’t mean I have to enjoy any aspect of cleaning, laundry, cooking though, but I HAVE to do it. I’d much rather work than do these tasks BUT I still need to do these tasks irrespective.

As for the rest, ?????. My kids are adults. They had a great childhood, as neither DH nor myself let the mundane, boring aspects restrict us. We still did all the kids activities with them (including fucking glitter craft), took them out to kids places etc, and we did it all with raked enthusiasm and a smile on our faces. Nothing apart from school and music lessons/community sports when school aged was outsourced, they didn’t miss out. They had fantastic holidays at appropriate shitty kid friendly places when young and fantastic resorts when older. It wasn’t all bad as once they got a bit older they were able to have great debates (think, who was ‘better’ Voldemort or Darth Vader’, and who would win a fight out of a T Rex vs Megalodon etc), and they got interested in stuff like Ancient Egypt and mummification, and the solar system, and it was fun being involved in helping with their school stuff when older and into high school and watching them learn about history and be able to apply learnings to current day and whatnot. And we could play great boardgames together after a point. So, no need to feel sorry for anyone.

When I asked them as adults what they would have liked to change about their childhood they really couldn’t come up with much. The only real thing was that they would have liked to have seen more of relatives, which wasn’t really doable due to long distance and the FaceTime aspect wasn’t around when they were young.

So women have choice but if a man said 'i choose for you to work so I can be a stay at home person/dad' that would be ok?

I want to turn this around.

How can you find raising your own children mundane and boring? That makes me feels sad 😞

How can you not want something more, for just you, than only raising children? That makes me feel sad, because if you devote everything you are to raising your children, what happens to you when they're grown?

It really is a personal choice. Every person is different. Everyone has different needs and desires for their life. You can't be sad because someone else is doing what's right for them.

ETA: I'm not trying to provoke an argument by the way, just trying to provide an alternative view.