To find DS4 so bloody annoying

[hoppingandhop]

I feel rotten as he’s only a little kid but he’s such hard work. Here are some examples which I’m not looking for advice on per se, its more to give an idea what life with him is like.

• licking people. He’s started trying to lick my face and his sisters face. We hate it. Tell him to stop and laughs and tries to do it more. Move him away he moves back.
• whines for things all the time, toys, ice cream,
• has taken to shouting. Not saying anything or for any reason like fear or pain just suddenly lets loose with a massive bellow AHHHH. Then stops.

there’s a lot more. He also often doesn’t listen to anything we/I say. Some more examples are

• Pelting off when we were at a park and ignoring me shouting to come back. I ran after him and couldn’t find him for ages. Eventually find him by a pond.
• on holiday we were going down a steep flight of steps with no guard on one side. The wall was on the other. I was holding a baby so couldn’t supervise (he suddenly took off) people above were screaming at me to get him to come back and I’m yelling come back DS but he just … blanks me. It’s like no one’s spoken. This happens a LOT but these were two very dangerous occasions.

its a horrible thing to admit but I just wish I didn’t have him. I hate spending time with him as he’s either annoying, completely not listening (blanking me) or being downright nasty to me and sometimes he is.

I like being a parent to my other child but not him and keep wondering wtf is wrong with me. I’m sure a lot of stuff is him trying to make a connection but when you try more positive ways it doesn’t work.

You're just making excuses now. If you genuinely wanted to do this, you would at least make an attempt to make it work.

Exactly. Therapy for example can be quite affordable with the right provider, and many offer Zoom sessions you can do from your own home.

My lad - we used to call him a lovely menace at that age - used to be terrible if he was overtired. He just got more and more overactive and manic until you could get him to actually lie down and shut up for 5 mins, when he would fall deeply asleep. He used to upset me by not being very kind to his autistic older brother. Brother was scared of the dark and ghosts and when they shared a room he would make "wooooooo" noises like a ghost and make his brother cry. He found it immensely entertaining. It was like his desire to create entertainment for his brain overrode his care for his impact on other people. He also couldn't be cajoled or gently parented, you had to take both his hands, get down to his level, make him stop and listen and be very firm indeed. I don't shout but I had to be very "cross" to get through to him.

He is enormously creative and entertaining even now.

He is 21 now. He did turn out kind, he loves us and he loves his friends. His bedroom is still a total mess, he cannot for the life of him have a shower in less than 45 mins, he is always, always running late and flying through the house at the last minute, dropping stuff as he goes, and I absolutely adore the bones of him.

Parenting courses aren’t something I’m against as such but I’m not sure there’s anything on them I haven’t already familiarised myself with through reading.

Parenting courses/parenting phone calls are often the route into other support. I had a parenting support phone call with a HV about my DS, which ultimately led to her sending on the ASQ-SE, at which he scored just at the referral level, and that finally led to a paeds referral. Parenting courses can also give you a support network of other people with "difficult to parent" kids. They are usually free if via a children's centre; some have crèches facilities.

Everything that @BertieBotts and @MyOpalCat have said about their kids' lack of interoception, inability to register his emotion increasing, general level of high stress is very much the same as my DS. For what it's worth, nursery realised there was something atypical about him - he was difficult to manage there too - but I don't think they would have thought it was ASD because DS's expressive language was so strong.

I do also wonder whether you should see your GP about possible depression. You say you want things to change but put barriers in the way when people suggest routes forward. That inertia is sometimes a symptom.

Excuses

money… you’re speculating

time to find a reputable one… you could have found one in the time you’ve spent mumsnetting today

distance… you’re speculating and there’s online live options

convenience… you’re speculating, you have no idea when they’ll be. Oh and… perhaps this might be a priority over other stuff

No the best thing they can do is be honest and provide guidance but supporting the mother blindly is bad for everyone

My ds has adhd and it was exactly like this. Before the baby arrived, I was able to wing it somehow. But with the baby in the mix, I was struggling to cope with his certain behaviour as he made my Life much more harder. It was hard-work as it is but when I had the baby the baby listened more to danger warnings than my eldest who was 6 years older. Im still trying to manage this daily and it is a struggle. Traditional techniques don't work for him unfortunately but with his adhd, it helped us have a better understanding.

Just last half term we were on a flight and he was saying all these nasty things when I simply told him to keep his legs together so he didn't kick the seat in front as the lady kept looking back and it was absolutely horrible to be put on the spot whereas at home you can deal with it but in a small confined space where your child says these horrible things when everyone is listening really triggered me. I know it's not his fault for the way he is but sometimes I wish life with him for once was just enjoyable. I love him so much though and I have a soft spot for him but I don't tolerate bad behaviour and give him short and sharp consequences.

Q Why can’t you do parenting courses?

A here are five reasons

Oh, you’re just making excuses.

Therapy costs around £50 per session. I don’t have that amount of money, I’m afraid. It’s a possibility for the future but not now. And besides to be honest posting on here has made me feel a bit sullied and dirty somehow. Not sure bringing it out into the open is a good thing.

And besides to be honest posting on here has made me feel a bit sullied and dirty somehow

well then hide thread
and use your time to research parenting courses which needn’t be in person and will be MUCH cheaper than £50 a session

and now for the next excuse…

I don't want to give you as hard a time as possible; I want you to realise that it is your responsibility to try anything and everything you can to improve your relationship with your son.

That includes researching parenting courses (many of which are actually free) and finding ones you can do, rather than making more excuses about why you can't do them. That includes accepting that a relationship with a four year old isn't a 'two way street' in the same way that a relationship with another adult is, and that the effort needs to be coming entirely from you. That includes praising him and telling him how wonderful he is and how much you love him, even if he doesn't reply to you and doesn't seem to be listening. That includes acknowledging that a lot of the behaviour you complain about is totally normal in a four year old, and that the problem is in how you have been managing it. That includes admitting to yourself that you've made mistakes in the past so that you don't continue to make those mistakes.

I want this because your son sounds like a very unhappy little boy, and I want him to be happy and feel loved unconditionally. If I feel like this about a little boy I've never met, surely you can feel this way about your own son?

Who’s to say I haven’t?

How do you know what I have and haven’t done in between those posts? I mean, most of them took seconds!

My DS was like this too. Re soiling or wetting himself, he would say that he just didn't feel it coming. He was toilet trained by the time he started school but it was a close-run thing. Now I realise it was a sensory issue, like so many of the problems we experienced. He also had an unusually high pain threshold - like not noticing mild burns. He was later diagnosed with dyspraxia and then with ASD/ADHD.

I don’t think a one single poster would believe you’ve spent a nano second researching parenting courses today op

ok I’m off to google online parenting courses

Well no, I haven’t. I have said from the first page that this isn’t something I wish to pursue so I’m not sure why we’re arguing about it on page 18 to be honest.

From my perspective I’ve had a rough weekend with DS where he hasn’t been very nice to me for the most part. I posted on here (a mistake, which I’ve owned) about some dark feelings I’ve had and so why the intense focus on parenting courses I don’t really know.

We have done a lot of travelling today hence why I’ve been on here such a lot.

This bullying over parenting courses is just appalling! I don't know why people thing they have the right to do this. As for counting the number of posts - just get a life already.

It's completely wrong to assume parenting courses are a magic bullet in any case. I went to a group for parents of autistic children. It was absolutely dreadful and I came away feeling more depressed and helpless than before.

https://cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/services/cambridgeshire-and-peterborough-healthy-child-programme-health-visiting-and-school-nursing-service/free-online-courses-for-parents-and-carers/#access

free.

just to get you started

Select all

no counting involved

But you gave it a shot

I don't care whether you actually counted them. It's the fact you bothered to note it. And now you've posted a link to a parenting course. Why are you so invested in this? Do you think it's helpful to bully the OP over something she has said she doesn't want to do? It's her choice, not yours. And as I said, they are by no means a magic bullet.

I really wish I hadn't.

I suspect there may be sensory issues there and I also think the fact his diet has been much worse than normal has massively contributed to a decline in behaviour.

When it’s just us he is lovely and so I do think this suggests that maybe I’m not quite the fount of all evil that some think I am.

But it could have helped

you tried. You gave it a shot

I wouldn’t engage to be honest. The links are there, great if other people are interested. I’m not at this moment in time but thank you and I’m sure if I change my mind in future I can find them.