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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

278 replies

20thCenturyBoy · 22/04/2025 03:43

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 22/04/2025 03:55

She moved north to be with you. You are sat in your home city, presumably with your oldest friends, all your family etc etc. She's sacrificed, you haven't.

There are cities in the West Country. That could be a compromise. If I were here I'd be pretty resentful too tbh.

FortyElephants · 22/04/2025 03:59

Would you consider Bristol, Bath, somewhere like that? Close enough for her to connect with family? Although they are very expensive places to live.

SD1978 · 22/04/2025 05:04

You were always clear that you wouldn’t compromise where you lived and she made the choice that she wanted the relationship enough that she’d move. Is there anywhere slightly closed you’d be willing to consider in 4 years time? I am a person who did the moving, and always accepted that was my choice for the relationship, and they didn’t want to move.

HoppingPavlova · 22/04/2025 05:07

Could there be a compromise that in 4 years time, if your youngest goes off to uni or whatnot, that you will move West but to a city location?

SilverButton · 22/04/2025 05:10

I think you are being a bit unreasonable because you've said that you'd consider moving abroad. So you are not definitely fixed in your current location - I'd have more sympathy with that. You just won't consider moving to where she wants to go. I can see why this might be a deal breaker for her. Can you think of a compromise, eg a city much closer to her hometown than you currently are?

kkloo · 22/04/2025 06:03

No you're not being unreasonable, but neither is she. It very possibly is going to be a dealbreaker and the end for your relationship.

moose62 · 22/04/2025 06:22

She has spent 9 years living where you want, probably with relatives of yours she is not fond of. That was her choice. She now wants to live near her family, you don't. This is your choice. If the relationship ends because of it, you made your choice. Would it be worth sacrificing your relationship over? Or did you expect her to just do what you want?

HeySugarSugar · 22/04/2025 06:26

I’m a city girl and wouldn’t want to move to a rural West Country location either (and I grew up in the West Country!). It’s not something I could compromise on. Is it enough to end your relationship though?

Snapncrackle · 22/04/2025 06:28

Where in the West Country
it’s a pretty big area
I mean if it’s Cornwall then I agree with you its lovely in the summer horrible in the winter expensive and a lack a jobs and housing and it’s the back end of nowhere to get anywhere

But you have Bristol Bath Exeter Gloucester Cheltenham as fairly big cities in the Southwest

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 06:28

On a basic level, you’re a city person and she is a country person. The only way to fairly overcome this minor incompatibility is compromise. She has already compromised for you for years, probably under the impression you’d do the same for her. I think it is only fair that it be your turn sometime in the near future to compromise. I am sure her market town in the West Country is near a decent sized city, start having an open mind, a willingness to give a little in the relationship and reciprocate the love and compassion she has shown you.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/04/2025 06:28

To me YANBU because you haven't made a promise to move that you're going back on. Just because she chose to move to you it doesn't mean you owe the same.

Pinkflowersspring · 22/04/2025 06:31

YANBU. You wouldn’t be able to afford the same life in the West Country as it’s a lot more expensive. You’d also be far from your older children and your younger children probably won’t want to move. No one forced your wife to move to the North and have children. That was her choice.

JoyousEagle · 22/04/2025 06:32

Generally speaking, I think any argument along the lines of “well I moved for you so now you move for me” is ludicrous. Something as significant as moving areas is too big for it to work like that. No one should ever move for someone else and then a few later expect that they can now dictate a move.

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2025 06:32

If you lived so far apart, where did you meet? Honestly, she’s asking you to move away from your older children plus move your younger children away from the life they have grown up with. In other words, she’s the one that wants to uproot the whole family and is using emotional blackmail to try to force your hand.
I would not move away from my own children under these circumstances.

Eenameenadeeka · 22/04/2025 06:33

I think as a parent, you'd be unreasonable to move away from any of your children until they are adults, if moving means that you can't bring them with you or keep up the same amount of time with them.

Middleagedstriker · 22/04/2025 06:37

I absolutely couldn't move from a northern city to the West Country. I grew up in the West Country and it's nice but so different. The only city that is properly lively is Bristol and that is so expensive.
I also wouldn't want to move away from where my teenage or young adult children were. The absolutely will not come and visit you regularly if they don't know anyone. This will not only impact your relationship but their relationship with their half siblings.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 06:39

People seem to be ignoring the fact that there are children involved here. OP is an involved parent, sees their older DC regularly. Even when DC are at university they still usually come home for the holidays, and those holidays can be long.

Then there are the children with the wife. If it is a dealbreaker, I assume OP could stop wife taking the children with her if she moved.

CopperWhite · 22/04/2025 06:39

You have children in the town you currently live in, they don’t stop mattering just because they go to university. Your wife sounds very selfish if she wants your children to be further away from their family so that she can be closer to hers.

Partridgewell · 22/04/2025 06:40

We live in my husband's home city. I would love to move back to where I'm from, but I know it's not going to happen. DH has always been very clear he doesn't want to live there long-term (we met in my home city as we both went to uni there), it's much more expensive to buy a home and to live there and all of my kids have only ever lived in DH's home city (eldest two are young adults now).

Eldest two are talking about moving to London eventually, which is slightly closer to my home city, so perhaps DH will think about it then, as we will be able to downsize. But I would never push it, as I knew the score when we married. Were you clear about your preferences?

CaptainFuture · 22/04/2025 06:40

WhatNoRaisins · 22/04/2025 06:28

To me YANBU because you haven't made a promise to move that you're going back on. Just because she chose to move to you it doesn't mean you owe the same.

This, it's only been 9 years and she choose to move. Your shared children will be settled and have a life here too, unless she is proposing you move to her home area for a period of 9 years and then back again to where you want to be?.. then back again.. or she's saying 'you get 9 years, then I get the next 40/50 (depending on age!)

Seventree · 22/04/2025 06:41

You're being unreasonable considering moving countries when you have children who don't live with you full time. You're right to say no to moving before all your children are fully fledged (usually a few years after university, not the minute they move away). But not because you like cities, because you have responsibilities where you are now.

All of this is about you and what you want... not what's best for your children or even what your wife wants. It's not a great look.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 06:43

CopperWhite · 22/04/2025 06:39

You have children in the town you currently live in, they don’t stop mattering just because they go to university. Your wife sounds very selfish if she wants your children to be further away from their family so that she can be closer to hers.

This is true, but 20miles or 2000 miles don’t really matter for Uni age kids so long as they can visit and stay during the holidays.

For example, I have one DC at Uni in a foreign country, the other is 3hrs away but we have decided to spend the summer in France, Older DC has decided to go to Rome, younger is happy to come down to France with us,

Home is where you are, Uni age DC can easily travel to visit.

user1492757084 · 22/04/2025 06:46

It is only fair that you compromise to some degree.
Your wife wants a close relationship between her children and her family.

Could you agree to live there for three years, in four years time?
Could you save up your holidays and live there for two months - during best weathef - rent near to in-laws?
Could you move to Australia?
Could you agree to wife and kids going on two weeks holidays to her family, every year for the next five years?

You can't see your wife sad and resentful and not work out a solution where you are the one compromising.

RainbowSlimeLab · 22/04/2025 06:46

I presume that, 9 years ago, you ‘couldn’t’ move from your hometown due to your older children. Fair enough. Would you be happy living so far away from your younger children though?

nomas · 22/04/2025 06:46

I’d not leave my kids.

And remind her that if she leaves you, she’ll need to stay within a reasonable distance, she can’t take the kids to the WC.

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