Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

Realistically - having lived in both cities and rurally in the WC - what does this mean for both your jobs OP? Will you both be able to find equivalent work in what is likely a much more expensive part of the country? How about your DC education prospects? Is there much in a market town for children who will be approaching the teen years? Will they likely end up leaving at age 18 for education/work as I’m guessing your DW did?

Also, sadly, a lot of formerly beautiful market towns are now woefully run down, have drug problems, bugger all work and hundreds of poky new build houses for commuters attached to them. Some of them are utterly dire. Would one or both of you need to commute? Have you looked at the doctor/dentist provision in said town? Does it have a train station? Decent bus service?

This is me trying to look at the pragmatic aspects rather than “it’s not a city”. Would a city in the WC work for you, despite it likely being significantly more expensive to live in?

I also noticed what you said about your MIL - if you’ve otherwise discussed moving abroad and this desire for the WC is a new thing, is it possible MIL is driving it?

I'll try to answer all the questions as succinctly as possible.

In 4 years time my 2 eldest children should be finished uni. My now 14 year old will hopefully have just finished A Levels (18 yrs old). Who knows where they will be but I don't really want to leave just as my middle child had finished A Levels.

It's highly unlikely they would visit us in my wife's hometown much at all so I would see them much less. Although you could argue they may be away in another place and may happen in n any case.

I did not get my wife to move up north to care for my elder kids. She is a great stepmother but I was doing fine as a single parent before she moved in. I have my kids 50/50 because they're my kids! Not to avoid paying support to my ex wife.

My wife has not lived in her hometown for 20 years. She was at uni at another northern city then in London for a decade. All her uni city friends (& sister) moved to London at the same time and she did and she made many more. She loved / loves London. I could not move there as I had three small children. I did not trick / ask her to move up north. It was purely her own decision. Which I am very happy about and grateful for.

She does miss her London life and hasn't made the same sort of friends she made at uni and in London. She has WFH since moving to my hometown. She has made some friends through our kids but it's not the same.

She has a job which she can do from anywhere in the world. I can't do that. And realistically I would have to commute to a city if I were to work in the same profession.

A city like Bristol seems like an option but is 2/3 hours away from her family in Devon so not really worthwhile. We have discussed moving to cities in Oz / USA as this would be (a) great for her career (b) they are cities (!) and (c) my elder kids would be more likely to visit / even live with us in Sydney or NYC than a Devon market town. That last one may seem crazy but it's true.

Ironically most of the friends my wife made at uni, who moved to London, have now moved out of London as they start having kids. But back to the northern uni city where they came from. I did suggest that city as a potential location but it has not seriously been considered. I have also suggested London as my wife still has a property there. Again not seriously considered.

Since we've got together we generally spend a week down in Devon with my MIL three times a year. Sometimes more. MIL comes up to visit us also. MIL does not have a partner and has, we all reckon, primarily untreated mental health issues. Probably depression, ADHD and more. She is also emotionally manipulative. She likes to provide unwanted advice on how to bring up her grandchildren. For example she has threatened to call the 'social services' on both my wife and her sister as she didn't think her grandchildren were being raised in the right way!

Our lives would not be better with my MIL in them more regularly. My wife knows this to be true as she has admitted this. It was particularly bad over Xmas when my MIL stayed with us. She accused my wife (her daughter) of being an alcoholic on Xmas Day. After this I said that i wanted to see my MIL less this year and that I wouldn't be visiting her in Devon with our kids like we have in previous years. My wife is really pissed off at me for saying this. She finds her mother as annoying as I do, and can say this, but she loves her as she is her mother. Whereas I don't love her at all and just find her annoying.

I think this what is really driving this. She does want to be nearer to her sister, and perhaps mother, rather than move back to her hometown. She has 1 close friend still living near ish to her hometown but that's it. Moving there would mean uprooting our kids from their lives here. Education options would be more limited. Activities more limited. And as much as I appreciate 2 (award winning) market days a week that's not enough to keep me stimulated.

It feels like my wife is testing me, and our relationship, because I said I need a break from my MIL. Moving to her hometown has only been seriously suggested since I said this.

For context we both work full time. Have a 6 yr old and a 1 year. Our 1 year old doesn't sleep much so life is hard work right now. It feels like we're both at full tilt from the minute we wake up until we go to (broken) sleep. I am sure this stress is playing into the discussions we have about moving in the future.

We are aiming to start couples counselling soon to address these issues. I do not want to separate / divorce my wife over this so perhaps ultimately may move to her hometown under duress. And, you know, really appreciate those 2 market days a week. Although if I didn't move, and she wanted to split up over this, I would obviously not accept her moving to the other end of the country with our children so we're kind of stuck with each other for the next 17 years anyway.

BTW - I did not just walk into a room one day and state ' I shall never move to your hometown'. It was part of an ongoing conversation about what might happen in the future. I am not a twat.

@20thCenturyBoy
Okay, reading your post I have softened towards you. It sounded like you were really digging your heels in to stay exactly where you were, but now reading your follow-up, you have suggested London or another city in the North (I'm guessing Manchester?): those are two great compromises for you two. I think she's being unreasonable

I do get that my wife made a big change in her life leaving London to be with me. I accept that it would be unfair to demand we live here forever but I simply don't want to live in a small town in the countryside. I would find it depressing. She loved growing up there but it says a lot that she left at 18. Why would we move to a place where we barely know anyone with far less stuff to do. How would that better for any of us? Perversely my wife has more friends than me and moving to her hometown would put us much further away from most of them.

I get everything you're saying.

I am from a small Northern village. There are no prospects there job wise unless you're willing to travel an hour or so each way. My friends that are still there do that.

It's the pull of family. Of memories. That's why I want to go back. I can do my job from anywhere in the country. DH can't. I accept that.

But what makes it easier to accept is that he has job alerts set up for the vicinity of where my family are. And when a job comes up (rarely but it does), we discuss whether the region would work. Whether it's the right time. What we would need to do to make it work. Is that feasible?

It's not a hard never moving back. It's an ongoing discussion and we both get to input and decide what to do.

Maybe she would feel less resentment if she knew you were looking at options to help her realise the "dream"? Set up a job alert and be open to the move if the right role for you came up in the right place. She may also find that if there's a possibility it's a reality she doesn't actually want to.

Is she happy in general? I sometimes get this very irrational nostalgia when I'm unhappy in the present or anxious about the future.

Do you think she is looking at life in Devon with rose tinted glasses? If most of her friends have moved away and it’s only really her mum left there who she knows, it won’t be the same as when she last lived there. And I am sure even if she had friends there things will have moved on and it won’t be the same place it was.

Why did she and her friends move away?

Leaving at 18 and being wistful about your hometown when you are older are different things. I left my hometown at 18 because I knew I couldn’t do the type of job I have if I stayed. I didn’t really know what I wanted, I just knew I’d struggle to find them there.

The world is different to when I was 18, lots of jobs are hybrid or remote. So one of the driving factors for me leaving my hometown is no longer there as I can work hybrid and whilst my commute would be longer, I would have more family support to work with my hybrid role.

For me, there is an element of being close to my family. My child being close to their grandparents the way that I was, being able to pop round without me being there. Being able to have sleepovers at their grandparents.

It’s not about the stuff to do.

Reading your update, I don’t think it’s about the area. She obviously has a very complicated relationship with her mother and I think is seeking her approval. What your MIL said is absolutely not on and I get you were defending your wife but it’s her decision on when to go lower contact with her mum. She needs to work through the motions of why she still wants to be in contact with her mother when she would say something like that. But you say this suggestion has come up after you said you would see MIL less, so she wants that familial connection. Can she see her sister more?

I think given your update, it would also be helpful for your wife to make friends that aren’t mum friends where she lives. Could she join a group with an activity she likes?

Only speaking from my own experience but I never felt at home in my hometown but I didn’t feel at home where I moved to. So I felt more at home in my hometown. It was only when we moved (in the same area but to somewhere slightly more affordable) that I actually felt at home. So another option could be moving locally but for some of those bits she is craving - if she is craving the sea, can you check out some places closer to the coast? Or if she’s craving the market town aspect, maybe explore a few northern market towns with good links to the city. So why does she want to move back to her hometown? Is that she doesn’t feel at home where you live and she’s never felt like she’s at home? Is she missing the slower pace, the slightly less things to do because she’s overwhelmed with the activities of the 6 year old and no sleep from the 1 year old? Is she wanting family? When you work out why she’s unhappy where you are, you can then work out areas that might work for both of you.

Your update is very interesting (and I hope quietens all the posters calling you a twat) because it seems to me that the MIL is a much, much bigger factor in all of this than it first seemed.

Because you've talked to your wife about the reasons she's not happy where you are, but she's not considering the options that would fix them. She doesn't want to go where her friends are. She doesn't want to go to London where she literally owns a property. And all of this started after an awful Xmas where your MIL behaved appallingly.

I don't think she's "testing your marriage", per se. I think this is entirely to do with her fucked-up family dynamics, specifically her relationship with her mother. I'm betting that what you saw is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what her mother has said to her ever since childhood. To be clear, accusing her daughter of being an alcoholic (presumably entirely off-base) was verbal abuse, and I'm guessing your wife has had to endure a lifetime of it from her mother.

Read up on FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and toxic family dynamics. It sounds like your wife is still firmly enmeshed in the cycle where she feels she's never good enough for her mother, and has to continue to prove herself. After Xmas, she'll be feeling that more than ever - and it's no surprise at all that her solution is to prove she's a good daughter by physically relocating to be nearer her mother.

It is a terrible idea, obviously, which you know. The trouble is that if your wife doesn't see this toxic pattern between her and her mum for what it is, she's likely to be very defensive if you bring it up. But something I think you can really emphasise is that you've seen how upset her mum makes her, and you don't want to see her like that (nor expose your kids to that). Perhaps ask if the Xmas accusation was something she'd experienced when younger.

IMO your wife needs some good therapy to work through all of that.

Yes I'm the same. Partly. Largely I do just want to move home but it mainly bothers me and makes me really upset and resentful when I'm unfulfilled in other areas of my life here and addressing those do help.

From the updates - you both need clear distance from MIL. Where does her sister live as you didn't mention that?

The northern uni city sounds like the best option, but counselling would be useful regardless. If a parent is saying they would "call social services on you" for non events, then I'm struggling to understand why they wouldn't be sent straight home and contact severely limited. To do it to both sisters, that woman has some major issues.

I have not read the entire thread OP but my thoughts are:

• always put the needs of your kids first. I think you are completely right to look at what is best for your kids in term of education as the main priority

• your wife knew full well when she decided to stay in a long term relationship with you that you already had kids and that being with you would involved moving to a different location. You did not force her to make that choice, she made it herself as a grown up adult and she knew what she was getting into.

Frankly I would not move in your circumstances. I don't see any positives in term of your kids, work opportunities and so on to consider such a drastic change.

If she is homesick, you could look at taking more frequent trips/holiday in her hometown to start with and then discuss things again when your kids are older. She might realise if she spends more time there that she is just romanticising what life would be like if you moved...

Is her sister encouraging her to move perhaps? From her sisters perspective she sees the writing on the wall...she will be left to do the main care for her mother alone as distance would prohibit your wife from being there day to day. If their mum already has issues then that won't improve it will only get worse as time goes on. What age is their mum?

Is this actually about where you live or how she is feeling? I found having kids really changed my life (more than I expected) and my friendships and I felt really lost and dissatisfied (and probably a bit of delayed PND) plus work was really stressful - I wanted to move but what I really wanted/needed was a change, a break (we went travelling for 3 months which was easier with just our young DC and no older ones), a new job and more sleep! I did feel trapped in our town but that actually wasn't the problem. Are there other changes you could make that might help?

If you have a 1yo and your wife has a complicated, distant relationship with her mother (often a key source of support for mothers with young children), could it be that she is just very, very tired? Would it be possible for her to have a break away by herself for a few days?

Bit of a no win situation

maybe you should let her go and be free
as otherwise neither is happy

maybe you refusing to go to Devon anymore was her last straw maybe ?

I would say that you saying you are taking a break from seeing your MIL hasn't helped this issue. If she felt trapped and too far from home before this will have made it all feel completely hopeless for her. My exh stopped going to see my family abroad too and it only made me feel more disconnected from my husband as he no longer had a relationship with my family (I lived abroad in his country) and it started to feel like it was me and my family against him and his family. I eventually left him (not only because of this) and have returned to my home country. No regrets.

I think this is about the MIL on both sides. You because you understandably don’t want her any more present in your lives, her because it sounds like she’s trying to mend a pretty abusive relationship. I think that’s the issue you’ve got to resolve before you decide whether to move or not.

I think she is being unreasonable. You were always clear you would not move to a rural market town. She could have ended things there but chose to remain with you.

Maybe a compromise and consider a city near to where she is from?

YABU and you need to find a compromise somewhere in the middle. Everything you say about why you don’t want to move is about you, being married is a partnership a bit of give and take and now it’s your turn to give.

Is she lonely where you are?

Life can be lonely especially moving as an adult. That's anywhere in the world.

I have a friend, half English, half another nationality, not European.

She lived in a south west county in England for 3 years, told me it was the loneliest time in her life. Villages are usually pretty closed off to newcomers.

Most people are insular and not open to new experiences. I live in a city and love it, always people to chat with out and about.

Whilst i can understand your wife being disappointed, I'm not so sure whether her resentment is justified- you have been open about not wanting to live in the country, and it was her decision to move north with you. Do your family live close by? I think this is what might be fuelling this- if she feels you have lived for several years near your family, she feels you should be willing to do the same.
I think a compromise might be in order-live somewhere between the two, so she can see more of her family, and possibly a little less of yours.
Moving to a different country when you have got older children has educational issues, but when your youngest goes to uni, maybe you can do it then.

Hi op,

yes of course you are unreasonable…but so is she.
you need to sit down and compromise asap so that she doesn’t feel you refuse to make effort…there is seriously enough lovely places to live in to satisfit both of you : not too close from mil and in cities on your side/ in a small city that is adjacent to a big one to satisfy her rural needs.

figure it out!

I wouldn’t move, you have proposed a few different options to her, wherever ye decide on, ye both need to be happy with it and not just one person

Ending a relationship that already has kids seems radical when you have already talked about moving. Obviously never moving from where you are wasn’t promised; you just don’t agree on a place. Maybe look at the UZ/Oz options again?