Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

I realise she decided to move for you but I don't think it's fair to think that a young and childfree woman who is in love will feel the same a few years on when she has children. Most of us who have had a nice childhood wants our kids to have the same experiences that we did and in a similar place. If she grew up in a pretty market town in the West Country and she is now bringing her kids up in a Northern city I can see where she is coming from.

It's also quite hurtful that you are open to moving across the world but you wouldn't consider a few hours south. Somehow being near your first two kids is essential when it comes to moving to where your wife wants to live but not at all important if it means that you can live in Australia or US. It does sounds like you just don't want her to get her way rather than you desperately want to live where you have always lived and for that you are unreasonable and she will resent you for that for sure.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. I’d wait 4yrs anyway, as moving a teen is not great. I guess she needs to work out if she wants to move without you. When parents get older, there’s more of a pull to be nearby. I’m waiting for youngest of 3 to go to uni next year then i’m heading back north, not too close to my mum, at least 30-45 mins drive, but a lot closer than now. But only me to please as split with ex long time ago, and he is moving overseas so none of us will be left here, apart from DS1 who will be living in his dad’s house with his gf.

I moved to be nearer DH.

When we retire we will move back to my home city where I have missed years with my family, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc

I thought when we moved DH would buy me the occasions flight to go home, or make a weekend of it - he avoids the city like a plague!

How do you not understand wants and needs change? Your family may be fine but reasonable people in committed relationships flex.

YABU for not having had this conversation years ago regarding the long term. Also for being willing to move abroad but not to consider moving nearer to her home. I’d think less unreasonable if you wanted to stay put.

I can sympathise that she misses her family and home town. Is her job portable enough that she could spend the summer holiday in an air bnb rental near her family?

She should leave you.

No one’s wrong here. It doesn’t sound like you ever gave her reason to believe you’d move so you don’t ‘owe’ her time in her home town. You obviously can’t leave while until your 14 year old finishes school, how old will your younger children be then? They might not relish the mood either.

If you love city life then even twenty miles down the road to the countryside wouldn’t suit you, never mind hundreds of miles away from your children, friends and the life you currently have and enjoy and - most importantly - will never get near replicating.
it’s really hard starting again in a new location, even if you move willingly and love it. It takes a long time to make friends, especially as you get older, and you can’t make new old friends.

One thing for your wife to bear in mind, the town she’ll be returning to won’t be the town she left. People and things will have moved on there too. But if she’s willing to make this a deal breaker then perhaps that’s what it will be. Although whether she’d be allowed to take your children hundreds of miles away if you object could leave her in a catch 22 situation anyway

Neither of you are being unreasonable - many people don’t really understand the pull of home and family until this crops up

i would find out if there is a compromise - the nearest city to her hometown for example or it’s invevitable that you will split

No they don’t generally. It isn’t like getting a dog or agreeing to get a shed in the back garden. I have a lovely house, family and friends nearby. I like my local area and know where everything is. By the time you get into your 40s and older most people don’t really want to completely uproot their lives and move hundreds of miles away. Some do, but I wager, most don’t. I would love my parents to move closer to me now they are getting older and I struggle to get to them easily but they don’t want to which I respect.

my father moved to get married when I was an adult. I don’t see him as often as I did before he moved because he moved further away and also, I have no affinity or connection to where he moved to so it feels strange when visiting that I am a bit of an outsider there. The OP faces to prospect of moving away but his children will get wrapped up in their lives after uni and not really visit him that much, particularly if they settle up north and raise families there.

I did point out that it was her choice to move north.

I can see how this comment would cause resentment. It wasn't a free choice, it was a utilitarian one to be with you. But you're not willing to make a similar one. I would have phrased that differently. No wonder she got defensive. Also you need to listen more. Maybe she creates a long list of places she would want to live and then you shortlist together.

If OP was a woman, the responses would be the same. Probably stronger tbh. Someone would probably have already queried whether the partner was abusively trying to isolate her from her friends and family.

You are going to have to be less dismissive and more listening to why shes not happy.

Your whole post is littered with the I word and what you want. You sound incredibly selfish, she has spent a decade living in your home city - yes I do think you need to compromise. Sit down and work out what she wants and needs in her life. Can you downsize where you are and buy a second home for weekends and holidays in the West Country? She has a right to be happy too.

There are cities in the West Country
That would seem a reasonable compromise

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Could there be a compromise where you move to the closest city to her family or would that just result in everyone being unhappy?

I think it's really unfair to say "she knew what she was getting into" or "well she decided to move". People change. Proximity that didn't used to matter so much suddenly becomes important, particularly after years of having your partners family and "best life" shoved down your throat.
If you take the "she knew what she was getting into" lens out of it, why is it you think your preferences should trump hers?

YANBU. I'm also a city person and made that very clear to partners. I'd also consider moving abroad (to cities), but hell would freeze over before I lived in an English market town or anything more rural. I'd be fairly livid if DP suddenly suggested the latter, knowing the kind of place I want to live in.

It was her choice to move to you and she was fully aware what your red line is, so you don't owe her the same in return. I would have a proper conversation unpacking why she's unhappy in your current location and what compromises there might be in relocating, but under no circumstances should you give in on your red line - which is to live in a city.

You stated that you were honest with your wife prior to her moving from London, that you didn't want to move from your hometown in the North. However, if you were both considering moving to Australia, then you aren't as attached to your hometown as you have stated! Moving to Australia is vastly different to the West Country! I understand you not moving to the West Country right at the beginning of your relationship, you needed to be close to your children. Your wife is not unreasonable for changing her mind. However, it's something that needs to be talked through, for your relationship to survive. You may need to compromise in the future, once your eldest turns 18. The West Country covers a large area - and does have reasonable sized places - Bristol, Bath, Swindon, Salisbury, Taunton, Exeter, Cheltenham. However,your biggest issue is housing, it's expensive compared to the North. I can guarantee the market town your wife grew up in, will be very expensive. The market town I grew up in, in the New Forest is astronomically expensive nowadays! Compromise may need to happen. If your wife doesn't want to stay in the North, then she won't be moving to the West Country with your children, she will need to stay living close by!

Me, me, me. Read your post back and see how many times you have written I want or I like. It’s all about you. Nothing about what your wife needs or wants. No compromise suggested. So yes you are being unreasonable.

I do think that if this was a woman posting with a man asking her to leave behind her 3 children from her first marriage everyone would be saying absolutely not.

The OP's wife went into this with her eyes wide open, he already had 3 children, this wasn't something new to them 5 years into their marriage. She chose to move to his home town, presumably lived there for a while before they got married and had children of their own.

I understand not living near family, Dh and I have lived a 3-4 hour drive away and are still an hour away from them now. We moved for Dh's jobs and I accepted I would be a trailing spouse.

For all those saying she should just leave depending on distance she might not be able to take them that far away, he can apply to the courts.

I think a discussion about moving somewhere more city like and closer to her parents might be possible after your youngest child from your previous marriage has started uni in 4 years time. What ages will your youngest children be?

Cornwall is so insular. I think moving to a rural Cornish town as an outsider in is such a different prospect to moving to a Northern city where people are friendly and a lot of the population will be newcomers. And this was never an agreement you had from the beginning. If this had been discussed and agreed early on in the relationship that it would happen at some point, then your wife would have every reason to feel aggrieved. However I don’t think YABU. Moving to Cornwall is a totally different prospect, it’s something she’s only recently decided she’d like to do, and it’s not like you’re insisting you have to both live in your hometown. You’re open to moving elsewhere. Like others have said, would you consider somewhere like Bristol as a compromise?

Yes, OP, leave the perfectly nice home you already have, in the area you like, with the space you need, to buy a second home in a second home hot spot, leave it empty for most of the year, pay double council tax and be hated by everyone.

People commit to one another on the basis of an agreed, shared broad vision of what their life together will look like. I can't imagine getting married to someone without a serious conversation about where you see yourself living in the future, what places you'd consider and what places you'd absolutely not. That agreement is what trumps one person changing their mind. In this case the OP's wife knew he only wanted to live in cities, and made her own choice to relocate to him, and is now blindsiding him with a change of plan he'd never counted on.

I'm fairly certain DP shares my life vision (which is to live in a city) but if he blindsided me with a rural vision out of nowhere, I'd be livid.

I do think that if this was a woman posting with a man asking her to leave behind her 3 children from her first marriage everyone would be saying absolutely not.

Also 90% of posters would have picked up on the nightmare MIL factor.