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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

278 replies

20thCenturyBoy · 22/04/2025 03:43

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
nomas · 22/04/2025 06:47

RainbowSlimeLab · 22/04/2025 06:46

I presume that, 9 years ago, you ‘couldn’t’ move from your hometown due to your older children. Fair enough. Would you be happy living so far away from your younger children though?

She won’t be able to take them away so far away.

nomas · 22/04/2025 06:48

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 06:43

This is true, but 20miles or 2000 miles don’t really matter for Uni age kids so long as they can visit and stay during the holidays.

For example, I have one DC at Uni in a foreign country, the other is 3hrs away but we have decided to spend the summer in France, Older DC has decided to go to Rome, younger is happy to come down to France with us,

Home is where you are, Uni age DC can easily travel to visit.

Show quote history

That’s just for the summer though, you’re going back home.

Seeyouincourtkeithyoutwat · 22/04/2025 06:48

Yanbu you have children from your previous relationship where you are and hell would freeze over before I moved away from my DC. But then YABU to consider a move to Oz soooooo!

BananaSpanner · 22/04/2025 06:50

She’s telling you she’s unhappy. That might be because of her current location or it might be because she feels that she makes all the effort and sacrifice and you just sit pretty. Either way, she’s not happy and what you chose to do with that information is up to you.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 06:53

nomas · 22/04/2025 06:48

That’s just for the summer though, you’re going back home.

Show quote history

Yeah except “home” changed every 2-3yrs while they were growing up and who knows we may decide to not come back. 🤪

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 06:54

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice but if uni kids suddenly get 2 homes many miles apart they are more likely to use the one in their home town as a base. So OP might not get to see them much at all. DS has a part-time job in the holidays in his home town, he wouldn’t be able to split his time between us if one of us decided to move to the other side of the country

Meadowfinch · 22/04/2025 06:54

Talk to her, find out if she has been hankering to escape the city for some time.

She isn't proposing uprooting the DCs now, but moving home at some point in the future, after your other family are adults. In four years your younger DCs won't have started their GCSEs. There would be a chance to move then.

I have some sympathy with her. I moved to a Midlands city to be with my ex and hated it. The noise, traffic, pollution, it was horrible, so bad I ended up on ADs. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to live there. In my case, he'd promised to move if I didn't like it, then reneged on his promise, so slightly different. I couldn't cope so me & DS left.

If your current home is making her genuinely unhappy, this could end your marriage. In the end, you want different things, and you don't seem willing to compromise.

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 22/04/2025 06:54

It would be reasonable of you to consider it but not until your youngest older child goes to uni/starts full time work. it wouldn’t be fair to move far away before then.

I get your wife’s point though. She moved up there for you and has lived up there all this time. Would be nice for you to do the same for her for a bit. I don’t think I’d want to move north, it’s cold and wet enough down here! There are cities in the West Country too. Bristol is a great city.

a fair compromise would be for consider it in 4 years time.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 06:56

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 06:54

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice but if uni kids suddenly get 2 homes many miles apart they are more likely to use the one in their home town as a base. So OP might not get to see them much at all. DS has a part-time job in the holidays in his home town, he wouldn’t be able to split his time between us if one of us decided to move to the other side of the country

OP can always go and visit them at Uni. I’ve visit my older DC at their Uni abroad 2x this year and they spent 1 week Christmas with us and 1 week Christmas with their partner.

OP just seems unwilling to put forth effort or sacrifice on his side and expects his wife to do all that so he can have it easy.

DustyLee123 · 22/04/2025 06:56

YANBU. You had kids where you are, before your relationship with her started, and she knew it. She moved up to be with you and started a family.

RedRock41 · 22/04/2025 07:02

Don’t blame her being resentful. It’s all about your needs. Her happiness doesn’t come it into it seems. She has a point. She has sacrificed for you. Knowing you aren’t willing to ever do the same must make her Q the relationship.
To say she chose to relocate is true. Was it easy? Probably not. She is entitled to change her mind. To not even offer a compromise is poor. Probably will be a deal breaker long term as if anything happens to her family when she longs to be closer be very painful for her. Double down if you must but a better way to handle it would be to confront it head on. Can we talk? I’ve been thinking through what you said and I know it’s important to you… I want you to be happy. What can we do to compromise…

CantStopMoving · 22/04/2025 07:13

DustyLee123 · 22/04/2025 06:56

YANBU. You had kids where you are, before your relationship with her started, and she knew it. She moved up to be with you and started a family.

Exactly. She went into it fully eyes open. When I got married I made it clear I was not moving to my husband’s hometown. It was a deal breaker for me. He moved to be with me. I’d be very miffed if he turned around now and said he wanted to move back. I don’t and wouldn’t consider it- I love where I live and whilst I’m happy visiting his hometown I’m always very happy to come home!

Drivingmissrangey · 22/04/2025 07:13

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 06:43

This is true, but 20miles or 2000 miles don’t really matter for Uni age kids so long as they can visit and stay during the holidays.

For example, I have one DC at Uni in a foreign country, the other is 3hrs away but we have decided to spend the summer in France, Older DC has decided to go to Rome, younger is happy to come down to France with us,

Home is where you are, Uni age DC can easily travel to visit.

Show quote history

I disagree. The uni kids will also want to see their old school friends when they are back for the holidays, get a job etc. If the OP moves they won’t have any friends in the new location. It will be short visits at best.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 07:13

@RedRock41 and what about the children’s needs. Moving younger ones away from everything they know, including their half siblings.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 07:15

Obviously you can't move while you still have your older children 50:50.

Would you consider moving somewhere like Bristol in a few years' time?

Beamur · 22/04/2025 07:16

Neither of you are being unreasonable.
However, it may mean long term you don't stay together.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 07:16

Drivingmissrangey · 22/04/2025 07:13

I disagree. The uni kids will also want to see their old school friends when they are back for the holidays, get a job etc. If the OP moves they won’t have any friends in the new location. It will be short visits at best.

Show quote history

We found that by Uni, most of their 6th form friends had grown away and they were closer to their Uni friends who live all over- London, Stirling, Hong Kong, Madrid, Wisconsin, Texas, Germany, Lithuania to name a few off the top of my head.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/04/2025 07:18

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 07:13

@RedRock41 and what about the children’s needs. Moving younger ones away from everything they know, including their half siblings.

Why aren’t you considering getting to know their mum’s side of a family a need too? So very patriarchal to think the only family they need to know is the Dad’s family.

DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 07:21

I understand that she moved to you because you had children you couldn’t leave but it’s only natural that she would like to be heater her family once your children are independent adults.

Could you compromise on the nearest city to her hometown or at least two/three long weekend breaks planned for there each year.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 07:22

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I would be saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed.

Espressosummer · 22/04/2025 07:22

The OP didn't care about staying close to his older kids, at uni or otherwise, when he was considering moving to Australia or the USA. He can hardly hide behind his kids to avoid moving to the West Country - it's pretty clear his kids aren't his consideration here.

minnienono · 22/04/2025 07:23

I would park the discussion until your youngest of your elder 3 reaches upper 6th, at that point starting the process of moving abroad or elsewhere in the U.K. is more feasible - plus you might change your mind. I wasn’t interested in country living at 40 but by 46 I did move to a smaller town but near a city.

WhatYouEgg · 22/04/2025 07:24

Rather than making this just about location, it sounds like it’s worth properly talking to your wife about what’s prompting these feelings about wanting to move back to her hometown area.

Is she lonely where you are? Does she have good friends she spends time with? Does she have good friends back home she doesn’t get to ever see?

Is she worried about her parents? What’s their health like? Does she feel she needs to be closer to them if they are becoming frail? Or is she worried / upset / jealous that her family doesn’t have as close a relationship with the children as yours does?

Does she need more support with looking after the children?

You don’t need to reply to me with answers to the above and It may be nothing to do with them at all but I think it would be worth sensitively exploring where these feelings are coming from and how there may be other ways to resolve them without moving.

CantStopMoving · 22/04/2025 07:24

Espressosummer · 22/04/2025 07:22

The OP didn't care about staying close to his older kids, at uni or otherwise, when he was considering moving to Australia or the USA. He can hardly hide behind his kids to avoid moving to the West Country - it's pretty clear his kids aren't his consideration here.

Moving away for a couple of years abroad is completely different than moving away for the next 40.

NoviceVillager · 22/04/2025 07:24

You come across like you’ve rejected her suggestion out of hand. You neeed to listen to her fully and if you don’t want to move, come up with some more creative suggestions.

You only get one life on this earth. It is interesting to live in different places. I don’t think either of you ABU, but if you can’t find a way to communicate about it, it may end the relationship.