Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

She also moved knowing there were children in the mix, which was always going to complicate things

The arguing about moving and uprooting children, children visiting home whilst at uni is redundant. OP has already said they would consider an international move, presumably when his oldest from his previous marriage is at university. That’s in four years, with schools, fixed term mortgages, savings - four years isn’t too far out to be thinking about relocating.

OP is prepared to move to the other side of the world, meaning his older kids would need to do a lot of travelling to see him and his younger kids would definitely be uprooted. OP is also prepared to move to the United States, a place I wouldn’t be looking to move at the moment, especially with young children. So OP is prepared to uproot their young kids, just not to live anywhere near their wife’s family, even though there are cities in the south west. I’d be pretty hurt too because it’s clear OP, you don’t want to live near your wife’s family.

He doesn’t say he wants any city or any northern city, he wants to live in the city he’s always lived. Cities aren’t interchangeable. He’s not wrong but neither is she. Sometimes compromise isn’t possible without making either or both unhappy.

It's unlikely to be blindsiding though, is it? Unless she moved up north proudly proclaiming that the west country is the worst place in the world and all her family are dead to her, it's reasonable to assume that if somebody moves to your region purely to facilitate your relationship, there's a good chance that one day they will start yearning to go home as parents get older and more dependent, and as you start having kids and feel like you want them to know something of your own world, too.

Yes and no.

Of course uni students want time with their parents when they come home, but don't most also look forward to spending time with their old school friends etc? I know mine does!

The kids are a red herring. OP has already said he would consider Australia.

You hold all the power here, you are OK to move overseas but not to your wife’s home area. That does feel quite selfish to be fair, where is the compromise?

That assumption would honestly never cross my mind about anyone! I don't know a single person who's moved back to their hometown to raise kids.

I don't think the 'she moved for you so you should do the same for her' argument really works in this situation, unless that was the deal when she said she would move to start with. What are you going to do after 9 years again to make things equal?

However your other arguments are a bit weak. It's a bit mad to say you'd move to somewhere in another country but won't consider large regions of the UK. Also shouldn't there be a compromise, like the nearest city to where she is from? Could you at least look into it eg visit the city before you say no?

I have such huge sympathy for your wife. I hate cities. She has tolerated this for years on your behalf and I am not surprised that she is saddened by your intransigence.

There needs to be a compromise. This involves you trying to understand how she feels rather than just digging your heels in. Unless of course she means so little to you that even discussing a compromise is not on the table, in which case you need to set her free.

Shocked tbh that you’re reasoning is because you only like cities and don’t like your MIL

What about the fact that you have your kids 50% of the time?

I think what seems a fair compromise written down can end up as the worst of all worlds in practice. Yes they could compromise on a South West city but he might be miffed because he's had to uproot and she might be miffed because it's not the same as where she grew up.

He said an international move for a short period so maybe a couple of years. That is completely different to where you plan to live for the next 40 years once they return though.

Why is that mad? I'd consider a move abroad because I like the sense of adventure, there are many international cities I love and many of them have better weather than the UK. I'd barely consider living anywhere other than London in the UK, though - maybe two or three other cities max - and absolutely not the West Country. Not sure why being open to an international move means you also have to be open to a rural British move.

This

Cornwall is horrible in the winter??

Is it really about being her closer to her family in the west country because if she / you were considering Australia last time I looked it was a lot further away than say Bristol or Exeter
😂

maybe it’s something totally different but the only way you will know is if you actually chat and break it down

I live in DH's home town (we met there) and we have two DC. I long to move back to my small Northern town. Yes, I miss my DPs, but at the root of my longing to return is the fact that we have no family support where we are. DH's family are not in the position to provide childcare (even on a one off basis) and he works long hours. Ive dropped to PT since DC2 was born but it still isnt enough. All the childcare and kids admin falls on me. The house is constantly a mess. I have to say if I felt properly supported at home, i probably wouldn't want to move back as such. Are you supporting your DW? Does your family pitch in and help out? If not then I totally see why she's probably questioning what the benefit is of being near your family. If not, then maybe addressing some of those issues might help.

Moving so far from your older children is not an option.

I woild assume that you would have 50/50 care of your younger ones if you split up. As their lives are established in your northern city, your wife wouldn't necessarily have the right to move them to the SW if you split anyway. It would be unlikely to be considered in the children's best interests.

Not really. Many people say a short move and then it becomes a longer term move. Moving internationally is expensive. People say a short time to see if the way of life there suits them, if it does then they don’t move back. So by the same logic, OP can do a short term move to the West Country to see if they can get on with the way of life there. It would be easier for older kids to visit and maintain relationships. But they won’t. So they will still move across the world but not 7 hours away in the same country.

I wouldn’t move away while your youngest of the older children was still in education but I think you could compromise and say it would be on the cards in four years time.
Also, compromise on a SW city if that would suit you both.
You didn’t seem to dismiss Australia or America, so the SW isn’t as much of an upheaval as that!
How often does your wife get to see her family?

If the alternative if she moves back to be near her family with your children and you separate, how do you feel about it?

I’d say American and Australia are even further wouldn’t you ?

maybe but everyone I know did a few years and moved back. They did it for the experience and not to try it out. They didn’t sell their properties and so had a life to move back to when they returned.

but ultimately your stance is that his wife’s position trumps his. Say he moves (and they would no doubt have to fully sell up leaving no trace of themselves up north and buy a property in the West Country) and tries it out as you suggest. His wife is super happy and gets settled, but he isn’t happy and never settles and hankers for his home. Would your advice be that he has to leave his wife and kids to move back, his wife needs to move back even though she’s happy or would it be that he needs to now suck it up?

You'll have to find a compromise. Either that's a quieter location near where you are now, or a city like Exeter in the West Country in 4 years time. You can't expect her to just stay where you are but unhappy, yet you do get some sort of a say. Start talking about how to compromise and reviewing locations on weekends and holidays.